A/N: 'My god!' I hear you say...'She isn't dead!' lol yes indeed I know it has been faaaaarrr too long since I last posted anything but boy has life been hectic. No time, no energy, and no passion lol. But today I was off ill from school and a funny idea suddenly popped into my head, and although I'm not a great fan of Guinevere, I think this can work.
This is not upto my normal writing standard so sorry about that but I just had to get my idea down. So there's little description of character, places etc and although it may not sound funny - it was in my head lol. (Although that could be saying a lot lol).
So read and hope you enjoy! Any comments are most welcome, even flames as I can use them to keep me warm :p.
Disclaimer: -sobs- Nope they aren't mine! But one day...one day! shakes fist lol.
King Arthur and his Knights sat discussing new campaigns and tactics to use against the Saxons. They were all gathered in the impressive, gilded and magnificently-architectured Table room; each in their own personalized seats and with crinkled maps strewn in front of Arthur and Lancelot.
"Well," sighed Arthur, rubbing his chin in thought. "I think the only way we can make any sort of defence is to…."
The gathered men looked towards Arthur who trailed off slowly, their confusion written clearly across their faces….well all except Tristan obviously.
Lancelot was the first one to ask what troubled Arthur, but he was quickly shushed with a wave of the hand and the intent look on his commander's face.
"That noise…." Murmured Arthur, narrowing his eyes as he leaned forward in an attempt to locate the faint moaning.
The rest of the Knights looked about to each other, before shrugging and imitating Arthur for a while in silence. Each had their own variation of concentration on their faces, or in Galahad's case it looked like pain as much as his face was screwed up.
"I hear it too!" Shouted Galahad suddenly, jumping back in his seat with a wide grin of triumph plastered across his face.
Gawain rolled his eyes in exasperation and punched the younger Knight upon the arm who gave a whimper of pain and pouted shamelessly at his blonde friend.
"We all do Galahad, you idiot." He hissed before returning to his concentrating face, Galahad following suit.
After a few more moments in silence, slowly one by one all of the men turned their heads towards Bors. They considered him a few moments, with glances of approval and shrugs from one another until Arthur cleared his throat.
"Bors…er…we were wondering…..is that your stomach rumbling?"
The large Knight opened his mouth to speak, but paused with a frown and instead bent over his stomach for a few moments in silence, before raising his head again and answering with a proud "No".
Lancelot sat back into his seat and kicked his legs up on the table with a resigned sigh, and commented idly "Well I'm all out of ideas then, fancy a drink?"
The Knights nodded their agreement and made small noises of approval until Arthur shushed them all with a desperate urgency.
"It's getting louder!" He hissed; panic apparent in his eyes and the Knights took to listening again. "Tristan what do you think it is?"
The ominous scout rose his head to look at Arthur, the terrible wailing growing ever louder by the second, and taking a large breath….. shrugged.
The wailing was ear-splitting at this point and Dagonet had taken to covering his ears with his hands, while Bors used two empty ale pitchers, Gawain used two loaves of bread, Galahad was hiding under the table with his head up Gawain's tunic, Lancelot was using some of the maps, Arthur simply grinned and bared it and Tristan used nothing just for the challenge; and of course as he was a killing machine and a little bit of noise never hurt anyone, right?
At this point, the doors to the Table room were thrown open wide and the source of the noise was stood in the middle of the cavernous doorway.
Arthur frowned and rubbed his eyes as he stared gormlessly at the hysterical Guinevere. She looked like a dog's dinner to say the least. There was a large gash on her forehead, her nose was running, her whole face was red and puffy from crying, her hair was filled with hay and the whole front of her dress was caked in what looked like wet mud.
Cautiously Arthur stood up and made his way over towards the bawling Guinevere, approaching her tentatively like he might a startled lion, and smiling sheepishly.
"Guinevere…"Arthur asked timidly, before lowering his voice. "Ahem…honey bunny?" There were a few guffaws from the Knights in the room but Arthur ignored them and instead edged closer to his hysterical wife.
Guinevere opened her eyes at the sound of Arthur's voice and instantly stopped crying; reduced only to pathetic whimpers and sniffing. Arthur smiled warmly at her then and bent his head a little so he could look at her properly.
"Now then," He coaxed her gently with a smile. "What happened?"
Arthur now realises this has to have been one of the biggest mistakes of his life, because as soon as the fateful question had left his mouth, what sounded like a banshee left Guinevere's.
"I WAS –crying noises-, AND THEN –high pitched squealing-, BUT I –muffled crying- SO –more squealing- AND –choked explanation-, BECAUSE –more screeching- AND THEN," Guinevere's high-pitched squealing paused for a moment as she pointed to the large gash bleeding freely on her forehead. All of the men, yes even Tristan a little, were grimacing at this point and covering their ears as they listened to the screeching explanation of the young woman in front of them. "AND –yet more hysterical crying- IT REALLY HURT ARTY!" Guinevere finished, flinging herself at Arthur and wailing mournfully into his now muddy armour.
Arthur's arms floated apprehensively out in front of him as he looked down horror-stricken at the strange creature hanging off him.
"Help…." He whispered petrified, shuffling backwards towards the table. "Help!" It was said a little more urgently this time as he managed to swing his body around with Guinevere still hanging off his armour, so that he was facing the rest of the Knights.
The rest of the men shook their heads and waved their hands fiercely in front of them as Arthur stood helplessly with this new monster of a woman. Swallowing his fear, Arthur placed one hand tentatively on Guinevere's back, and upon not being maimed on the spot he began gently patting her and making small "there, there" noises and so on.
It was a small while longer before Guinevere stopped wailing, and she wiped her face with the back of her sleeve as she stood up; still sniffling and pouting mournfully at Arthur. He smiled gently at her and wiped some tears that she had missed with the pad of his thumbs before quietly asking if she wanted to go and get her head cleaned.
This, Arthur realised, was mistake number 2.
"NNNNOOOO!" The brunette in front of him roared with such force that Arthur was finding it difficult to stand up.
The doors of the main room began opening and shutting off their own accord, along with the shutters, and objects were blown onto the floor thanks to the power of Guinevere's bellow. It was created a tempest-like effect in the middle of the room, and Arthur realised she must have had the lung capacity of a small climate to have kept on screaming as she did. He was covering his face and putting his whole weight into facing the brunt of the wind as Gawain and Galahad went skidding past on their chairs, Bors flew across the room and Lancelot was hanging onto the table for dear life as the wind yanked him this way and that. Tristan, however, seemed to be quite enjoying the experience; a large smile on his face as his braids whipped about his face and his fellow Knights went flying around the room.
Eventually Guinevere stopped and Arthur found himself suspended in mid-air for a moment, right before his weight took control and he fell flat on his face. From all over the room he could hear similar moans and groans, and he raised his head to find the room like a total disaster area. Guinevere was still stood quite calmly where she was; seemingly unaware to the destruction she had caused, and Arthur peered up at her cautiously from beneath his dishevelled curls.
"What about if I give you a lollipop?" He asked her wearily, half-expecting another tempest.
Guinevere simply beamed and with a delicate "Why didn't you say so?" skipped happily out of the room.
Arthur's head collapsed back onto the floor as he gathered his wits, but not before he watched Tristan emerge from a pile of broken chairs with a wide lopsided grin on his face and an excited gleam in his eyes….
"Can we do that again?"
Hours later, after much more screaming, giggling and damaged eardrums, Guinevere emerged sucking joyfully upon a lollipop with a bandage across her forehead; decorated with fresh wildflowers of course.
A second later, Gawain and Arthur fell out of the infirmary followed calmly by Tristan. Gawain blanched and leant against a pole for support, shaking his head to regain some hearing as he stared blankly at the floor.
"I've never seen someone d something so….brutal with a scalpel. Not even you Tristan!"
Tristan shrugged aloofly and muttered something along the line of "I need to talk to Guinevere about some of those moves…". Arthur was having trouble removing some particularly sharp instrument from down his trousers, but let out a grunt of triumph once he had before turning to look at the unconscious form of Dagonet through the infirmary door.
"Do you think he'll be all right?" The half-roman King asked with a frown, but Tristan merely waved off any concern and say he'd come around in a few hours; albeit with a few new scars that the large man wouldn't remember getting but never mind.
"What happened to Guinevere?" Shrieked Arthur suddenly, jumping up and dislodging another instrument with a groan, as he scanned around frantically until Gawain's voice caught his attention.
"She said something about putting a new dress on…right after she kneed me in the balls for getting the wrong shade of blue flower."
Arthur thanked him and set off at a hobbling run towards his chambers; the odd clank of metal telling anyone that a new instrument had been freed from Arthur's breeches.
"Come Gawain, help me move Dagonet." Tristan commented idly, dragging the blonde Knight back into the infirmary as Gawain starting murmuring hysterically about Guinevere and scalpels and "Can't sleep or the Queen will get me!".
"No, no, no, Galawad!" Huffed Guinevere impatiently. "His name is Pranceylot! And he is my horse!"
The newly named Galawad, started laughing outright at this point whilst Lancelot smouldered next to Guinevere.
"My Lady, I assure you! Really, I am not your horse-" Lancelot started to explain but was cut short with a brutal kick to the knee which sent him sprawling to the floor.
He turned his head slightly to see Guinevere towering above him with a fierce, and slightly manic, smirk on her face.
"Come Pranceylot, I need my afternoon ride." She grinded out bittersweet, advancing on Lancelot who was still lying defiantly on the hard stone floor.
Lancelot growled deep in his throat and set his jaw as he replied…
"Over…my…dead…"
"Body! Ow, my beautiful body!" Whimpered Lancelot as he collapsed on the floor with Guinevere still kicking her heels into his sides and demanding he move.
'Galawad' was still bent double, slapping his knee and laughing till he couldn't breathe when Arthur entered the room and looked about in horror.
Guinevere had given up on the still whimpering Lancelot by this stage and had muttered at him in disgust before standing impatiently and turning around to look for something new to torment…I mean…play with. However, upon seeing Arthur she let out a squeal of joy and launched herself at him with an excited "Arty!".
Arthur only just managed to keep his balance as he caught all of her weight, but was never able to say anything because as soon as he looked down he found her to be sound asleep. With a quick silent dance of joy and a few "Praise the lord!" to the skies, Arthur all but threw her into the next room on the bed and slammed the door.
"Hot diggetty!" Yelled Arthur, jumping up in the air and clicking his heels as he wheeled around the room before he dragged Lancelot to his feet and, ignoring the Knight's moans of protest and anguish, danced with him around the room.
Galahad had stopped laughing, and looked at the spectacle in confusion before Arthur ran over and kissed him and then let out another shout of glee and ran out of the room.
Yes it was all over now; once Guinevere awoke the next day she would most likely be back to normal. 'That'll teach her for not looking where she's damn well going!' thought Arthur….right before he tripped on a stone and smacked his head on the floor.
"Oh Pranceylot! Coo-ee!"
A/N: Random drivel but hope you liked! Rach x