Life After a Break Up
Sometimes the reason is entirely selfish. Sometimes you just need an excuse to end it. After weeks of bitterness, insecurity, and pride, it should be a relief. At least that is what Lily thought she should feel, relief and a stress free summer. But, as she stared up at the ceiling fan in her childhood bedroom, she felt restless and an unnerving feeling that she had fucked up.
She squeezed her eyes as a couple tears fell down her cheeks. Her heart clenched with misery and she felt a gaping hole within herself. On another day perhaps Lily would have rolled her eyes and told herself to stop being dramatic, but she couldn't muster it. She flipped on to her stomach and buried her face in her pillow, and clutched the necklace around her neck, as more tears silently streamed down her face.
Is this what freedom was supposed to feel like? She had thought that she just needed some distance from him, and she could quickly go back to living a single life. It was always James that needed her more, or so it seemed to her. She came to a sudden conclusion that she had been absolutely delusional.
She wished that he would fly to her window, like he had during Christmas break, and give her that smile that made her warm all over. He would tap his wand to the lock of her window, and swoop inside. His broomstick would be put against her bookshelf, and he'd remove his shoes, leaving him in those cute Gryffindor colored socks which she usually teased him about. She would move slightly to her left, and he'd immediately join her under the covers. They would smile at each other, knowing that they were just kidding themselves for deciding that they were over, and he would wrap his strong arms around her, pulling her always closer. They would kiss each other lovingly, and he would sweetly tell her that everything would be okay and that they could figure everything out.
About 70 miles away, James lay in a similar position as his ex-girlfriend, however, with the addition of a quaffle, which he repeatedly tossed in the air. He breathed in his cigarette, and slowly exhaled, watching the smoke rise and disappear.
"Prongs, mate, where have you been?" James shifted his head to the door where Sirius had just arrived, and raised his eyebrows, but not in a curious way.
"I've been here."
"Moony has been waiting at my place for an hour, did you forget?" James sat up, put out his cigarette, and pulled a Puddlemore United shirt over his head.
"Must have slipped my mind. I'll meet you in a minute." As he shuffled through his drawer looking for fresh trousers, he heard the pop which signaled that his best mate had left. Pulling his right leg through his pant leg, and hopping on another foot, he lost balance and tripped to the floor.
"Fucking shit." He sat up, and pulled a rectangle like object from underneath him that had jabbed his stomach. He looked down at the frame, which held a blushing Lily who turned red when James would whisper something in her ear and sneak a kiss on her lips. He watched the moving picture for a couple moments, his hand turning pale as he tightly gripped the frame.
He threw the frame to the wall, watching in satisfaction as it cracked in several pieces. He shoved his wand in his pocket, and with one last glare at the broken frame that held his favorite picture of himself and Lily, he apparated with a loud pop.
"I thought retail therapy was the best way to deal with a break up," Lily said sardonically as Marlene passed her a firewhisky.
"Normally, we'd do that, but we're too broke. We need that money for next week's rent."
"Cheers to being broke and single," Lily and Marlene clinked their glasses together and gulped the drink quickly.
"So are we going to talk about it, or are we just going to continue to ignore the elephant in the room?"
"If I wanted a therapist, I'd hire one. Just be a good mate and get me sloshed, Marlene." Marlene sighed and rolled her eyes.
"This isn't healthy."
"Look, it was my decision, and I'm not going to keep getting hung up over what could have been. It's time to move on."
"Honey, it's been a week."
"That's long enough!"
Marlene looked at Lily with pity, and Lily just stared down at her drink. Deciding that she would just need to play along, Marlene ordered more drinks. As the night wore on, after numerous drinks, Lily had hit the point of no return and was crying on Alice's shoulder, who was called upon by Marlene for back up.
"We were just so good together, as friends and a couple you know? I actually believed him when he told me that he'd never stop being my friend! How can I be so stupid. What am I going to do now? I can't imagine not being in his life!"
Alice patted Lily's back in a reassuring manner, and looked helplessly to Marlene.
"Lily, you broke up with him, remember?"
"I know!" she shrieked. "But I thought it would be better this way. I thought that if we broke up, we could at least stay friends. If we kept going as we did, we would have hated each other for sure, I know it. We were fighting too much, and we're just so different. There wasn't a future."
"Just give him some time. I know James, and he can't go that long without talking to you. He's fancied you for years."
"Alice, I think I broke him. You weren't there, and you didn't see how he looked at me, like he didn't give a shit about me anymore. I ruined everything."
"Lily, I understand you feel bad for hurting him, but you have a right to end it if you want to. He was just angry. I'm sure after he cools down, he'll consider being your friend. But, you can't expect that of him right away. He needs time."
Lily swallowed her tears, and willed herself to calm down. She looked at the sad faces of her friends who wished they could make her feel better, but they all knew that task was up to Lily.
"I miss him. Did I make a mistake?"
The summer following Lily and James's break up, the couple's friends attempted to make sure that James and Lily avoided each other. They helped them through the various stages of depression and rage, but it seemed that neither of them could completely move on. It is currently September, a few months since Lily and James have seen each other, and it is time once again to test and see how well they had been dealing with the break up.
Lily looked at herself in the mirror, running her hands through her wavy dark red hair, admiring the black dress she wore. He had seen her in this dress once, and she vividly remembered how he looked at her when she wore it on their three month anniversary date. She smiled, and sprayed some perfume. She would see him tonight. They were going to dinner and they would talk. It felt like their first date all over again, she felt fear, nervousness, and a slight excitement.
They had begun to owl each other after the first month, and had slowly tried to build some semblance of a friendship. They decided that they were sick of fighting, and that they should give friendship a shot. So they wrote each other a few times a week, and tried to bury any inappropriate feelings. Sometimes they resorted back to flirting, forgetting that they weren't together, and other times the awkward tension would take over the tone of their letters. But, it had been three months, and they decided that it was time to meet each other in person, and give the friendship a good attempt.
James ran his hand through his hair, flipping through a magazine, hoping it could rest his nerves. He believed that he had finally accepted the fate of his relationship with Lily. They weren't as good together as he wished they could be, and so really a friendship would be the best alternative. He could do this, he convinced himself, after all he was an expert at avoiding his true feelings for the redhead. But then again, that was before she confessed to the same feelings as him. Could he really go through this again?
"I'm going to be so fucked."
It had been a good six months, and James was proud to say that he could go a couple days without missing her. They were mostly normal now, rarely did they allow themselves to ruin their progress as friends. At first it had been difficult. Especially when she showed up in that black dress, with her wide smile directed at just him. It was incredibly hard not to lean over and smell her perfume or kiss her bright pink lips. But, he learned to repress any attraction he had held towards her, well it worked sometimes, okay maybe not that often.
They hung out in a big group all the time now, with Lily's friends and his. Sirius had learned to forgive her, after all he had missed her too, but obviously in a totally different way. It seemed that the Gryffindors had finally reunited, and all was well. He wouldn't mess that up now, not after all the time it took to get to this point. No matter how enticingly lovely Lily Evans appeared to him.
Lily, on the other hand, had come to a completely different conclusion. This ironically was the main problem in their relationship, they were rarely on the same page. After months of trying to be James's friend, she learned that he could never just be a friend. Although she had once believed that friendship was all that could be between them, the past months had taught her that James was a wonderful man, and letting him go was her biggest regret. Perhaps, before she was too proud and stubborn. She should have compromised and should not have taken him for granted. She knows that now. It could be different this time, and she could be different. They can be happy. She wouldn't give up on them, as he had told her she had done many months ago. Lily Evans would fight for James Potter, for the first time.
She was crying and desperately holding on to his arm. He was desperately trying not to feel anything for her.
"James, please just give me another chance. I won't be the same, and we can finally be happy."
"Lily, we weren't good for each other. Why are you doing this to me? We finally made it this far, how can you fuck us up again!"
"No, James, I'm not ruining this, just listen to me." He attempted to leave the room, but she stayed forcefully in front of the door, blocking his exit. "I know the mistakes I made last time, and I won't do it again. This isn't enough, don't you want more for us? I love you James, I didn't stop!"
"Don't say that to me, please! It means nothing to me when you say that."
"James, you're being apathetic on purpose. Stop being this way, come on. Look at me, and tell me there's nothing left here." She held his face in her tiny hands, and willed him to see the truth. She moved her lips softly on to his, but he gave no response. She desperately kissed him again, but when he refused, she softened her hold over him, and stepped back slightly.
Tears blurred her vision, and as she stepped back blindly, her foot caught against her long dress, but he held her close this time. He leaned down slightly so that his forehead rested lightly on her's. He wiped her tears, and looked down at her with a blank expression. She bit her lip, and attempted to stop the sobs that wracked her body, but she just couldn't stop the tears. His arms wrapped her in a hug, and she buried her wet face in his neck, and fisted her hands on his soft shirt. He rubbed her back, and whispered that he was sorry, but he just couldn't go through it with her again. She squeezed him tighter, and refused to let go. She didn't know when she would ever receive the comfort of his hug again.
Lily felt like she had just broken up with James again, and so she continued to wallow as she had done in the beginning. It seemed that she had gone back in time, and she was feeling the despair and regret that she had worked so hard to forget. It seemed that it was really over, and she allowed herself to feel it for a bit, until she attempted being strong once more.
And she put up a great act at the next Order meeting, where she had to face him again. It was slightly awkward, but Lily smiled and acted like everything was the same as before. She buried her efforts in her work, and volunteered for as many missions as she could. Meanwhile, James continued to ignore his regret at not reuniting with Lily.
But, he could not ignore her forever. There were years of precedence for that in James' life.
There was an attack in Diagon Alley, and all Order members were summoned by Dumbledore and Moody to help. James, excited that his duty was finally something that made him feel worthy, eagerly joined the fight with his Marauders. They were all brave, and saved many lives that day. But James did not remember the adrenaline or the pride or the sweat or the exhaustion that his comrades felt, he remembered feeling fear as Lily was snatched by her hair and dragged to Voldemort. Her body was limp and there was blood on her forehead which had mixed in with her hair. Her lips were clamped shut and she was trying hard not to wince in pain.
"Lily!" He pushed through the people, oblivious to Sirius shielding him from behind. He cursed the Death Eater holding Lily in front of the wizard that everyone had come to fear. She locked eyes with him, they were tearful and scared.
"No, let her go. Let her go!" He hadn't realized that the person holding him back was another Death Eater who was laughing maniacally.
"Ah, we finally meet James Potter. I was wondering when I'd get to meet the great son of Charlus Potter. How is he doing by the way?"
"You don't need her, just let her go."
"What is this mudblood worth to you? We could do great things together James Potter. Look around, you can be part of this. You can have the power and adventure you've always craved."
And for a moment James took in his surroundings. He heard the screams of women and men. He saw his friends desperately trying to break the barrier that was put up around Voldemort. He saw the anger in Sirius's eyes, the fear in Peter's, and the determination in Remus's. And he returned his gaze to Lily. Was this the last time he'd see her? Were they not going to get another chance? Desperation filled within him, and with a strong push, he left the Death Eater's arms, and quickly sent him to the ground. He ran to Lily, and started shouting every spell he knew that could harm the sick bastard.
"James, no!" He distantly heard Lily's screams as he fell to the ground and felt pain course through his veins.
"How dare you defy me." James looked into Voldemort's eyes and saw nothing but hatred.
"That's enough Tom," Dumbledore said calmly as he broke the Cruciatus curse, and James felt the pain stop. He sat up and saw his previous headmaster and Voldemort face off, getting ready to duel. Not wasting any time, James surprised the Death Eater holding on to Lily, and knocked him unconscious.
He hugged her to him, and heard her sob in to his neck, as she grasped on to his shoulders. "It's okay Lily, I've got you."
After a moment, a bright light blinded their vision, and they saw Dumbledore and Voldemort battling for dominance. It seemed the light had woken James and Lily to the fight, and they started disarming the Death Eaters keeping up the barrier against the rest of the Aurors and Order members. The barrier finally wavered, and it seemed that the battle at Diagon Alley had suddenly gave way to the second phase of duels.
Voldemort, angry at Dumbledore's intrusion, felt that it was time to go. With one last attempt at cursing his ex-teacher, the Dark Lord apparated from the battle, and his remaining followers fled too.
"James, mate, next time you decide to run off and duel Voldemort, try warning me, yeah?" Sirius lamely joked.
James gave him a half smile as a healer patched him up, "I thought you were right behind me Padfoot. Couldn't keep up?"
"I can't believe you're treating this like a joke," Alice said trying to sound reproachful. "Have you lot checked in with Lily?"
"Yeah, I was just about to go see her. Coming Prongs?"
"Wait, James can I talk to you for a minute?" Alice interrupted.
"I'll join you in a bit. Tell Lily not to leave without us." As he watched his friend walk away, he looked to Alice who was looking at him tearfully.
"Aw Alice, what's the matter?" he shrugged his right arm over her shoulder.
"Thank you for going after her James. She was fighting next to me the whole time, and I didn't even notice when they took her! If I had been watching her back more, this wouldn't have happened!"
"It's not your fault. Really, you're supposed to look after your self first. First lesson of Defense against the Dark Arts, remember?"
"I just can't imagine what would have happened if you didn't get there to hold him off. If you were too late, I wouldn't be able to handle it." James hugged her tight, knowing that he was feeling the same.
After everyone was seen by a healer and were fit to leave, the Order regrouped for a short meeting. But he couldn't pay attention to Dumbledore, or Moody talking about constant vigilance, or Dorcas Meadows paying respects to those they had lost. Lily was sitting next to him, an unflattering bandage on her forehead, and a cast on her left arm. His heart was beating fast as it had all the previous times he garnered the nerves to ask her out. If there was one thing he learned it was that he would always love Lily Evans. There was no use trying to pretend they were meant to be anything different. He discreetly folded his left hand over her right hand, and saw her smile up at him. She squeezed his hand gently, and he threaded his fingers through hers'. It was going to be okay. If they could make it though a shit year like that, then they would make it.