Rose felt her throat constricting in a way that was almost suffocating her as tears stung her eyes. She was going to cry, sob desperately, but she hoped that she could hold it in until she got to her bedroom. The Doctor's hand had been warm in hers but as they walked through the door of the TARDIS, he let go of her hand and walked up to the console. He stared down at it, his eyes full of unsaid words but he didn't say anything, didn't even acknowledge her. Rose stood by the door of the TARDIS, waiting; she was waiting for the Doctor to do something, do anything. But he didn't speak, didn't even look at her. Rose's heart was breaking even further inside her; he was still mad at her. Of course he was; she had royally screwed up everything she had touched today. She was good at that.
She had known seeing her dad would be difficult. If she hadn't thought going back in time and watching her dad die would be difficult she would have been fooling herself. She had known it would be hard but not as difficult as it had proved to be. Despite what the Doctor thought, she really hadn't asked him to come here to save her dad; she had just wanted to be there for him. She had been thinking about him a lot recently; she really wasn't sure why. She had had several dreams lately about him, her mum's words about how he died alone haunting her. Now knowing that time travel was possible, she wanted to be there for him. No one should have to die alone; especially her dad. And really she had just wanted to see him. And it had been wonderful, seeing the man she had always wondered about but never got to meet. But by saving his life on impulse she had created a rip in time that could have destroyed the Earth. The Doctor had not been shy about letting her know that this was her fault. The words stupid ape still rang through her head.
The silence was long and painful and she couldn't take it anymore. The burning in her throat was almost too much too handle; she should have just ran to her room but she wanted to know that she hadn't completely destroyed everything today. She was grasping at straws for acceptance. "Doctor?" she asked. Her voice was raspy and she suddenly wished she hadn't spoken.
The Doctor didn't turn around; he just kept staring down at the console. "What?" he asked. His voice was rough and harsh. He was still mad; that was very obvious in his tone.
A tear pushed its way out of the corner of her eye and ran down the side of her face. She didn't even try to speak anymore; she ran out of the console room and ran for her bedroom, not even looking back to see the Doctor's reaction. Tears were blurring her vision and she was thankful she made it to her bedroom. She wrenched the door open, slamming it shut and throwing herself on the bed. She buried her face in the pillow, sobs shaking her body. Terribly, irrational fear tore at her insides. What if she had really fouled this up? What if the Doctor didn't want to travel with her anymore? She had apologized at the church and he had seemed to forgive her; they had hugged and seemed to put it behind them. But now that they were alone and things were quiet it was there again, present and problematic. Rose was used to messing things up; she had done it often. She was used to making some tragic mistake and the people in her life leaving her. She'd gotten so comfortable with the Doctor she had forgotten the nagging feeling that she'd had in the very beginning that he would eventually tire of her and leave. Traveling with the Doctor was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she didn't want it to end.
I did it again. I picked another stupid ape. I should've known; Rose knew that the Doctor was upset when he said this and possibly didn't mean it. But the thing that concerned her was that he said 'again'. Had he traveled with other companions that made mistakes and he got rid of them? Rose was pretty safe to assume that he had. And there was one thing that he had been right about; she was stupid. She hadn't finished school, didn't have her A levels. She was just working in a shop when the Doctor had found her, bouncing from job to job. She could blame it on Jimmy Stone all she wanted to be the truth of the matter was that she just didn't have that much sense. The Doctor was seeing that now and he didn't like it.
Rose buried her face deeper into the pillow until even breathing was difficult. Did you really think anything else would happen? It wasn't the first time that she had run off with a strange man without much of a thought to what she was doing but she had hoped that it would be the last time. Of course she had been wrong; he was an alien with the whole of time and space at his feet. What made her think she was special enough to keep?
But the way that he looks at you sometimes…
Rose couldn't deny that sometimes the Doctor would sometimes look at her in a way that made her heart beat a little faster but she shook the thought off. Even if he thought she was attractive, which was unlikely, that was all it was. She was just his companion and when he found someone better he would likely drop her. Maybe even now he was having second thoughts about keeping her around. Rose's throat hurt from how much she was crying but she couldn't stop. Knowing that the Doctor wouldn't come to check on her, she let her sob louder, the sound of it ringing out desperately through the quiet room.
…
Even though Rose didn't see, the Doctor was watching her as she fled from the room. He thought about saying something to her; he could see that she was starting to cry. But he didn't know what to say to her yet. He wasn't even sure what he felt yet; so, as she ran away he stayed frozen and silent like a coward.
He hated seeing Rose upset; the sight of her in tears was enough to tie his stomach in knots quicker than very few things. He cared about Rose…..a lot. He wasn't sure what it was about this human girl that made him so quickly feel things he was sure that he would never feel again, but ever since she had run to him in his TARDIS, all smiles and excitement, she had had him twisted around her finger. No one else would have convinced him to do what he did today. When Rose had asked him to take her to see her dad, he knew it was a bad idea. Taking humans back in time to see deceased relatives was never a good thing; they weren't used to it and it was just painful. Longing for someone to be alive that wasn't just hurt. And he didn't want her to hurt like that. He also knew that expectations didn't live up to the real thing; because he was such a distant figure, Rose sort of idolized her dad. That much was obvious in the way that she spoke about him; she put him on a high pedestal. He was afraid that after meeting him her ideas of him would be changed for the worst. He was glad at least that this was one fear that went unfounded. Pete Tyler had proven to be the dad she needed in the end.
The Doctor was angry; that much he knew. He didn't want to still be angry with Rose but he was. He really had believed that Rose wasn't like anyone else; she normally didn't make rookie human mistakes. So when she had run out into the street and prevented her dad's death after he had told her not to, he'd been furious. He'd felt used, played; he would never have taken anyone back to such an important and vulnerable point but he'd done it because Rose should have known better and she had that pull on him that he didn't understand. He felt as if she played on his willingness to do what she wanted for her own gain. You don't scare me. I know how sad you are. You'll be back in a minute, or you'll hang around outside the Tardis waiting for me; about that she was right. He hated to admit, even to himself. He was sad, he was angry at the universe but ever since he had met her he didn't feel those things. He wouldn't have really left her and she knew that; he would have gone back to the TARDIS and sulked for a while, wishing she'd come back before taking her back. But it had hurt his feelings that she had done it; part of him knew that she genuinely didn't know what she had done was wrong. How was she supposed to know that saving her dad would have such high consequences? If she had, he knew she wouldn't have done it. He was mad; at her for being foolish and at him for letting her get to him so much that he wasn't thinking properly.
But he wasn't mad enough to stay mad; he thought she knew that but the way that she had fled from the room showed otherwise. She was obviously upset and he needed to talk to her but he had to sort out what he was actually feeling and what he was going to say first. They didn't have serious chats about God forbid, feelings. He was angry and he wasn't afraid to say that. But he was afraid that when they discussed this, she would see that he was also feeling something else.
For once, you're not the most important man in my life. The Doctor didn't want to admit it, but the words had struck a chord within him. He doubted she knew what she was really saying when she said this. She didn't know the implications that he would think about at hearing this. When he had met Rose, he had instantly fallen for her; he hadn't tried to and he had tried to fight it even though it was impossible. It was obvious that Rose didn't share her feelings; she had made that obvious with Mickey and Adam. She wasn't attracted to him and he could hardly blame her; she was 19, young and beautiful. Of course she wasn't attracted to him with this older body. But despite the fact that she wasn't attracted to him, he couldn't help but think of her in that way. It wasn't something that he would act on unless she would; if she showed the slightest interest in him he would gladly act on it. But right now it was something that he would only indulge in the dark in his dreams, and even that he felt guilty about it. So, instead, he had done the only thing he could for her; he had become her protector. Even if he could never have the relationship with her that he always desired to have, he could always protect her. When she had said that upon saving her dad, he hadn't known what to say. He knew that they couldn't leave things the way they were, with her dad alive. But if he had, he wondered what Rose would do. He wasn't jealous of her dad and he knew that he was in no way a replacement for him but if she had him in her life she really wouldn't need him and he wasn't sure how he felt about this but he knew that he didn't feel good about it.
The Doctor stood at the TARDIS console, staring down. He could feel the TARDIS nudging the back of his mind, telling him he needed to talk to Rose. He scowled at her; he knew that he needed to talk to Rose but he didn't know what to say to her. The Doctor sighed deeply as he pulled back from the console and began to walk toward Rose's room.
…
Rose cried for a long time before she began to calm. She sniffled and wiped at her eyes, feeling tired from the exertion of crying. Her eyes felt swollen and she was lying on the bed and trying to go to sleep when she heard a knock at the door. Her head popped up in surprise; the Doctor wanted to come in. She wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She wanted things to go back to being normal between the two of them and she was afraid of what the Doctor might have to say.
"Come in" Rose said tentatively. She wiped at her eyes, hoping they weren't too red but knowing that they would be. She pushed herself up into a sitting position, leaning against the headboard.
The Doctor poked his head inside the room, looking unsure. "Can we talk?" he asked. He didn't look as angry as she would have assumed and Rose felt herself tentatively relax a bit.
"Sure" she said. Her voice was rough and she was sure that he would know for sure that she had been crying. The Doctor walked into the room, sitting on the edge of her bed. He looked out of place and uncomfortable. The only time that he had ever come in here was the first time that he had showed it to her, telling her this would be here room as long as she wanted to travel with him. She felt like she needed to say something but he was the one that insisted that they talk and she was leaving the responsibility to speak to him first. Rose tucked her legs to her chest, leaning on her knees and looking at the Doctor. His expression was loaded but he didn't look angry anymore.
"Rose…..why did you run out of the room? " he asked, looking unsure and slightly uncomfortable and Rose wasn't sure why.
Rose didn't know why it was so hard to speak; maybe because they never talked about anything close to feelings and she was sure that that this was where this was going. "I knew you were angry" she said simply. She didn't want to say that she had run in here to cry her eyes out; she was sure that that was obvious.
The Doctor hesitated. "I was angry…..very angry" he said.
Rose looked down at her lap. "Are you going to take me home?" she asked. If this was really going to be how it ended, it was best to get it over with quick. If he left her she wanted to get over with quick.
"Do you want to go home?" he asked, looking confused.
"Well…..no I don't want to go home" Rose said, feeling sadness rise in her. The last thing she wanted was to go home but she was inventible after what she had done.
"Why I would take you home if you didn't want to go home?" The Doctor asked as if he doubted her sanity.
Rose was the one that was confused now. "I just thought…..after what happened…..you might not….want me" she said averting her eyes. She felt embarrassed saying it.
Confusion and surprisingly hurt crossed the Doctor's face. "Why wouldn't I….want you?" he asked, slight embarrassment crossing his own face.
"I…I…." Rose searched for the right words. "I made a right fine mess of everything today. The whole earth almost went down because of my stupidity."
The expression on the Doctor's face softened. "Rose…you're not stupid" he said softly.
Rose shook her head, her cheeks warming up; it was too late. She knew that she was foolish for what she had done. "I know I am….. what I did was stupid…..I didn't even think. People could have all died….all because of me" she said, self-loathing creeping through her words.
The Doctor squirmed on the bed, looking uncomfortable and guilty. "Rose, listen…..I know what I said, but I didn't mean it" he said. "I was just upset. I don't really think you are stupid. I should have explained the danger of trying to change events like that. I didn't prepare you for it adequately."
"Then why did you get angry at me?" Rose asked. She saw something flash in the Doctor's eyes slightly angry.
"I should have explained it better but that still doesn't mean you should have just charged into the street after I told you not to" The Doctor said scowling. "That's why I got angry. I thought you knew better"
Rose felt annoyance rise in her to match the Doctor's. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asked defensively.
"It means you're not like everyone else!" the Doctor said angrily. His eyes were full of annoyance but it faded a minute later as he seemed to know what he had said.
Rose softened a bit. "What do you mean I'm not like everyone else?" she asked. She watched the Doctor avert his eyes but before he did she thought she saw that look he sometimes held that thing she had seen before but she couldn't place.
"Nothing" the Doctor said, quickly back pedaling into safer territory. Rose didn't miss the hint of pink on his cheeks.
Rose was confused. She could see something deeper in his eyes; the fact that he was avoiding it was even more telling. "Doctor…what is it?" she prodded.
"I said nothing…I didn't mean anything" he said, slightly angry, the way he would get when she pushed too much.
Rose felt a mixture of anger and hurt; for a second she had actually thought he was going to say something deeper, more; the type of things that they normally avoided. She should have known better but it had only taken one minuet for it to take root and grow into something too big. What did she honestly think? That he was going to say she wasn't like everyone else? That she was special? "Right" Rose said, her arms firmly crossed across her chest as irritation dripped from her words. "Right, you didn't say anything because there is nothing to say. I am just like everyone else. You said it yourself; I'm just another stupid ape of a human you picked up. You'd probably have left me back in 1987 if the TARDIS hadn't prevented you from leaving. So, why not just take me home and find you someone better? Shouldn't be too hard."
Rose pushed off from the bed and walked out of the room; she was overreacting and she knew it but she didn't care. She knew, at least in some part, that the things that the Doctor had said today weren't the way he really felt. But the bigger, louder part of her mind was still screaming at her that she was useless and stupid and she didn't deserve to see the stars with someone as amazing as the Doctor.
Rose raced down the hallways and found herself in the console room, her eyes stinging. Great….she was crying again. Rose crossed her arms, wiping at the angry, hurt tears that fell from her eyes. She heard loud clumping footsteps behind her and silently cursed the tears; she knew she couldn't hide them.
"What the hell is your problem?" the Doctor asked behind her, his voice loud and thundering.
Rose turned around, making sure her face looked tough even if there were tears in her eyes. "I don't have a problem. Just stating the truth" she said stubbornly.
"No, you're not. You're being difficult" the Doctor said. "I told you earlier I wasn't really going to leave you. I even apologized…..even though I didn't do anything wrong!"
"Oh, yeah…..you didn't do anything" Rose shot back, preparing herself for a good row; her and the Doctor could have some of the best.
The Doctor scowled. "If anyone should be upset, it should be me!" he said. "I'm the one that felt used!"
Rose's anger faulted for a moment but she made sure to put her mask back up quickly. Used? He felt used? What reason did he have for feeling used? "What would you feel used for?" she asked guarded.
"Because I thought you played on my feelings to take you here when I never should have!" the Doctor said. "No one else would have had a chance in hell of making me do something so foolish!"
Rose's face fell; she couldn't even force herself to keep up the mask of anger that had been on her face before. He wasn't saying what she thought he was saying, right? She'd already made one wrong assumption today and she didn't want to allow herself to jump to the conclusion that he was really saying that he wouldn't have taken someone else back in the past to see the past like that but he did it for her. That would suggest that she was somehow special or different and she couldn't allow herself to go there again. "I didn't make you do anything…..I even said it was alright if we couldn't do it. You insisted…..said you could do anything"
"I can do anything" the Doctor argued. "But I should have trusted my instincts and not done it!"
"What, your instincts that I would mess this up?" Rose asked in mock humor.
"No, I never could have dreamed that you'd mess things up so much!" The Doctor shot back.
It stung but Rose didn't let it linger. "I'm glad I could exceed your expectations on something at least!" she spat. She tried to turn and walk out of room but the Doctor caught her arm roughly from behind. She turned around and scowled at him; if she didn't, she might really start crying and she didn't want to do that in front him. She didn't want to prove to be even weaker than she already was. "Let me go!" she said firmly. "I messed up, I get it. Just let me go!"
"Rose, when are you going to get it?" the Doctor asked in exasperation. "The only reason I did all of this in the first place was because I was worried about you"
Rose was made suddenly aware of their close proximity by her quickly beating heart and sweating palms; she tried to ignore it. "Worried about me?" she asked sarcastically. "What? Because I'm so weak and frail?"
The Doctor made a noise of frustration as he squeezed harder on her arm; too hard. "Rose would you just stop it? Stop being so dull?" he said in frustration. "You still don't get it!"
Rose was getting tired of having to put up with this; she didn't know why he was holding her here just insult her. Their faces were only inches apart and despite the overwhelming since of self-hatred she couldn't help but feel something else uncomfortable rise inside her as her hands continued to sweat. The tears in her eyes were looking for escape and she didn't even try to stop now; what did it matter if he saw? The events of the day had taken a huge toll on her emotionally. Seeing her dad, having to watch him die; fighting with the Doctor and thinking she'd lost him forever, knowing that everyone was dying because of her was all too much. She closed her eyes, not wanting to look into his as the tears pathetically came out of hers.
"No….I don't get it" Rose said, her voice full of sorrow. "I don't get it. I don't know why we are having this conversation. I don't know why you haven't left me yet after what I did. Apparently I'm completely clueless because -"
Rose was cut off in the most unexpected way; feeling lips press against her own. Her heart that had been beating so quickly skipped several beats before beginning to beat erratically again. The Doctor's lips pressed against her own, still for a moment, neither seeming to know what to do next before the Doctor's lips began to move quickly against hers. Rose's head was swirling with confusion and amazement and she was so surprised she felt like she couldn't move. The Doctor, who was trying to kiss her with surprising enthusiasm, sensed her lack of response and interrupted it incorrectly.
The Doctor pulled back, an expression of horror on his "Rose…..I'm so sorry" he said, looking like he wanted the TARDIS to swallow him whole. "I…..I don't know what I was doing…I…"
This time it was Rose that cut the Doctor's rambling off. Rose's lips were on the Doctor's before she had even made a conscious decision to kiss him back. What was she doing? What had he done? The questions flashed through her head for a moment before they flew out of her head without answers. The Doctor's lips were an interesting contrast of rough and smooth against hers; she pushed against his gently and pushed back with quick excitement. It struck Rose as the kind of kiss that someone gives when they have been waiting a long time to do it and the thought stuck Rose with a tremor of excitement; it was a thought she would have considered ridiculous only minutes ago. Rose wrapped her arms around the Doctor, pulling him against her. He was warm and smelled like leather and sugar; a moment later Rose felt his hands move under her jacket and hold her against him in the same way. Rose's movements gained speed to match the Doctor's. She could feel his tongue move along her lips, wanting to come in but not wanting to push; he didn't want to scare her off. Rose gladly opened her mouth and kissed him deeper, surprised when her knees grew shaky. As she faltered slightly, the Doctor pushed her slightly toward the console so that she was sitting on top of it. The angle was better and she didn't have to worry about standing on shaky feet. The Doctor held her closer to him, gentle as if she might break; lovingly. He alternated between kissing her rough and soft, between being desperate and tender.
Rose only pulled back when she needed air; their lips broke apart reluctantly, eyes staring up into each other's. Nervous and not knowing what else to do they started to laugh anxiously. What could she say now? She couldn't think of anything and she was glad when the Doctor spoke and she didn't have to.
"Finally get it now, Miss Tyler?" he asked with a mischievous raise of his eyebrow. He lifted her hand to his lips, kissing her palm before placing it against his cheek. "Finally understand why I put up with all your nonsense?"
Rose laughed nervously. The kiss had given her more questions than answers but she did understand one thing; she might not be completely useless. And she might, perhaps, even be a little special. "Because you….fancy me a bit?" Rose asked, blushing. The words sounded strange and silly to say and she was embarrassed.
"Well, let's not get carried away" The Doctor said jokingly before he got serious. He squeezed her hand as if she might vanish. "I'm sorry Rose…..I never would have left you here. All the things I said….I didn't mean it. Really…..I was just upset"
Rose leaned forward ever so slightly to kiss him just barely before pulling back. "It's alright…I'm sorry too" she said. "I didn't mean to take advantage of you…..I really didn't plan on this. I meant what I said; I really just wanted to be with him so he didn't have to die alone. When it happened…I panicked. I'm sorry"
The Doctor kissed her forehead. "I know…..deep down I knew that" he admitted. "I knew you wouldn't do that to me on purpose. Just…..trust that I know the best of all this time travel stuff, yeah?"
Rose nodded. "Yeah…..I'll listen better next time" she said smally. The Doctor smiled at her with a look of admiration that she had never seen before on his face.
"That's my girl" he said before pulling her into a hug. When they pulled back, he was looking at her with question. "Are you alright, Rose? Really alright?"
Rose considered it before answering; was she alright? It had been one hell of day in all the worst ways possible. She would not be over watching her father die in her arms for a long time yet. She might not be completely alright at this present moment but she would be. She had almost lost the Doctor and caused the destruction of the Earth but that had all been fixed and it was because of this that she would be alright. With the Doctor, she would always be fine.
"Yes" Rose said with a wide smile. "I am definitely alright"