Author's Notes: Erm...kind of a crack!fic. Based on the Avenue Q song If You Were Gay, so I don't claim any credit there. I hope this isn't copyright infringement or anything, and hopefully, this one-shot makes sense. Also, the fact that Kyouya and Tamaki are roommates is already an impending sign of disaster. Warning for possible OOCness.
From the way Tamaki opened the door, burst in, and let out a "Kyouya!" he knew there was something wrong.
Sure, Tamaki was always overly active with his antics, but he knew – and don't ask him how – that something of utmost importance to the blonde had happened.
And he wanted to share that right now. Which was why it was wrong.
Kyouya was sitting at the kitchen counter, doing his taxes when Tamaki made his entrance. He looked up to see his friend beaming.
Something had definitely happened.
"Guess what?"
It was a phrase that Kyouya always related to Tamaki. If they happened to be in a room full of people and someone said "Guess what?" Kyouya would know then that it was Tamaki who had said it.
Tamaki looked at him with anticipation.
"Guess what?" he repeated, despite not even giving Kyouya any time to answer.
"Yes?" Kyouya said.
"I took the subway home today!" Tamaki was obviously jubilant about his coveted piece of information that he now shared. He expected Kyouya to be pleased to hear about it, but instead received daggers in the form of a glare.
"That's it?"
"What do you mean?" Tamaki's face turned to that of confusion. "My dear friend, do you not understand the occasion that this has been. I, of the Suoh Family, have gone into the beforehand untouched land of the proletariat world! I, who have risked the dangers of the claustrophobic nature of which commoners are so used to! I who–"
"What did you have for lunch today?" Kyouya tried, in an attempt to prevent his friend from going into a diatribe about the commoner invention that is public transportation. "I hope you didn't eat too much sugar."
"What? Of course not!" Tamaki raised one hand to his chest and proclaimed, "Why, a man of my stature would never dare to consume so much sugar. It's unbecoming, and not to mention, my weight would fluctuate unnecessarily!"
"But that's beside the point," he continued, "guess what happened to me on the subway today!"
"You…took it home." Kyouya had learned through past (painful) experiences that the best way to deal with him was to answer every question wit as much simplicity as possible.
"No! Wrong!" Shaking his pointer finger mockingly, Tamaki said, "I actually sat on the subway seat. It was a rather hideous color of a red shade, though."
"Then why did you sit?"
"I'm glad you asked!" Tamaki exclaimed, now pointing a finger at Kyouya's uninterested backside. "My legs, after such a long day, were terribly tired, and I simply could not help myself. But I put a napkin over the seat so I didn't exactly sit on it, but I pretty much did."
"Is that it?" Kyouya asked. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm rather busy." A pile of tax paperwork neatly outlined the kitchen counter, but it went ignored.
"I haven't gotten to the best part though!" Tamaki said. "Just let me finish. Please, Kyouya!"
"Then finish," he barely gritted back.
"I'm going to! Anyway, at one of the stops, a man got on, and he sat down next to me even though there were plenty of other seats open. I didn't want to appear rude and move because I heard that commoners tend to have grudges about things like this.
"And he kept leaning towards me! Even when the subway wasn't turning. I can only imagine one thing."
"What?"
"That," Tamaki lowered his voice, "my beauty was so strong that it can now attract even men!"
"Hn."
"Really! Is that all you can say?" Tamaki defended. "Do you not see? All those years of training as a host have finally paid off! To even a mere commoner, my looks are so overwhelmingly handsome that men can appreciate it fully now!"
"Or maybe he's just gay."
Tamaki sucked in his breath. "Kyouya! You shouldn't make so harsh judgments of others. People cannot help who they love, and there is nothing wrong with this!"
Then who is making harsh judgments about commoners, Kyouya wanted to ask him. He refrained, however, out of a lack of desire, and he said, "What does this have to do with me?"
"Don't you get it?" Tamaki asked, "As roommates, I believe that we should talk about this!"
"About what?"
"About," he emphasized, "the love of men!"
"Why?"
"Kyouya! As I have said, we need to confront matters such as this!"
"I don't see the importance of this conversation."
"But…"
"This conversation is over."
"Kyouya! But just so you know," Tamaki said, "if you were gay, that's okay."
"Tamaki," he said, turning, "you're rambling."
"Because, after all, you are my best friend. And being gay doesn't change that. I mean, if it were me, I wouldn't mind saying it–"
"Tamaki." Kyouya's tone should have been an indication, but Tamaki did not seem to notice.
"–but I'm not gay," Tamaki finished. "I'm always here for you, Kyouya, no matter what. The passionate love that you would share with others does not disgust me, and you know that you will always have my support."
"Oh God." Kyouya left the room.
"No, wait!" Tamaki followed after him. "If you were gay, I would be so happy–"
"Happy? Why?"
"–and I would cheer for you! Never be afraid of what others may say, Kyouya. You know what they say, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
"Could you kindly shut up?" Kyouya stalked back outside.
"And they also say that you can't help it, either. It's supposed to be encoded into your DNA or something. Don't worry, dear friend of mine, it was something that you could never control." Tamaki was adamant.
"Tamaki…"
"I would never be afraid to admit it, to say that I was gay, but I'm not. But do not take that to mean that I do not appreciate the love that you would reciprocate with men, Kyouya. I would completely understand."
"Tamaki." Kyouya's voice raised higher than he intended, but at least he finally stopped talking.
"What?"
"Did you forget," he said, "that I was engaged?"
Tamaki's silence lasted for more than just a few seconds.
"You were?"
"Yes, if you don't recall, I told you yesterday."
Tamaki screwed up his face in his attempt to remember. It looked painful. "With who?"
"Haruhi."
--
For the rest of the day, Tamaki was especially quiet, and Kyouya used it to his advantage to finish his taxes.
end