It's been 4 years. It hasn't gotten better. After the incident everything went into darkness, as expected. After a tragedy, a mourning period isn't surprising, it is healthy it is expected. But it hasn't been as expected, because it hasn't gotten better. Tragedy strikes and the mourning follows, it's the aftermath, but normally, the sufferer gets better, they start to return to their normal self, they move on. He never went back to his normal self. His usual "get better" tricks didn't work. Not this time. Not ever. He never moved on and he never will. Being in love was something he never thought would happen to him. It happened. He thought forever meant forever. It doesn't.
"Till death do us part" is always said but he thought it would be years and years and years later. When they were old and lived a long and happy life.
Not true.
Children were never part of the equation. Never part of the plan. But news came and excitement proceeded. A little girl. Happiness, as expected. Not expected; losing both of them in one day.
She never told him. She can't have kids. She couldn't have kids because it would be deadly. To the mother and the child. This was proven right.
It's been 4 years. It hasn't gotten better. After the tragedy Barney went to his old tricks. One night stands, meaningless sex. His expectations would be like it was in the past. The feelings would go away. They didn't. They added on. Guilt. Sadness. Nothingness. Guilt. Guilt. Darkness.
It hasn't gotten better.
It's been 2 years. It might get better, it hasn't. Work. It doesn't matter. What's the point? There is no point in his mind. Money. Suits. Sex. Meaningless now. Focus is lost.
"Stinson, you're behind. It's been 2 years get your head out of your ass and get to work, there are more important things to worry about. We've got a merger coming up, if this falls through, it's on you."
What's the point?
It falls through. No more job.
Didn't he love his job?
He thought he did. He doesn't care. There's no point.
It's been 3 years, It's not getting better. Getting up is a hassle. He's living off of his severance check. He has money in the bank. He's comfortable, financially. His friends have been trying to get him out of the apartment. They understand the mourning period, they've been going through one too. Difference is they have someone to help, to move on. Marshall and Lily, Ted and his new wife.
He can't be with them. They have what he lost. He's never getting it back. Forever gone.
He tries though. He tried. Drinking helped. Drinking with them. Scotch. As always. Never the old, usual bar. Where he first saw her. So many memories. It hurts. Barney Stinson is in pain. All the time. Alcohol helped. Because he forgot. One night he drank an entire bottle. He forgot for a few hours.
Drinking is the go-to aid. Drugs made him feel good. Then guilty. How can he be happy? He can't be happy. His family is dead. What's the point.
There is no point.
It's been 4 years. It hasn't gotten better. His friends moved on. They have their spouses, they have their families. Everything he thought he never wanted. He wants it. But its out of reach. Because it's impossible now. The one person who he thought marriage would be worth the trouble. He wanted the trouble. With her. She's gone.
Why should he keep living like this? Why? What's the point? There is no point. He has nothing.
He's running out of money. He can't support himself. 2 years without a job. He tried finding one but he didn't care. He's forever stuck in this hole of nothingness and darkness and self-pity. Thinking of the past hurts. Thinking about his old self hurts. In a way he died the day they both died. He's been dead for 4 years now. He is just the shell of a man he once was. A man who lit up a room with his energy and his quirkiness. She complimented that. But she's dead and so is that man.
Death.
There's no point.
This life.
There's no point without her, without the child, he is already dead. Complete the process.
The solution.
He's on his second bottle for the night. Glen McKenna. He writes 3 letters.
Robin
Clara
Friends
He walks endless amounts of blocks. Her favorite place in New York. He proposed to her there. He smiles a genuine smile when he reaches the top of the building. It's been the first time in 4 years. A real smile. The liquor has helped. He drops Robin's letter where he left the last page. Same spot. Clara's note was in her room. The empty baby room that went untouched for 4 years. It's in the crib.
He takes out his phone and calls his friend.
"Barney?" of course he answered, no one has heard of him in a few months. He talks to them, sits with them when he needs to be normal. As normal as a dead man can be.
"I know how to make everything better." Ted can hear how different he sounds. He can hear the relief Barney feels, he hears the sadness and the tears.
"Barney, are you ok? What are you talking about?"
"I've been trying to figure out for the past four years on how it gets better, when will the pain stop and I can go back to myself. I found out I'm dead. Ted. I died when they both died."
"Barney, what are you talking about? Where are you what are you doing? Are you drunk? Don't go anywhere I'm coming to get you." This isn't like him. Ted is scared, they wanted to give Barney space maybe that's what he needed. He was just quiet or distant but he's all here now. He sounds so sure, so passionate. Yet he still isn't himself.
"The pain, the emptiness, the loneliness, darkness. I can make it go away, forever and I cannot believe I didn't realize how until yesterday night. I'm dead Ted but I'm still here. There's no point in living anymore. I'm done with this. I want to be with her and she's dead. I want to be with her Ted." A cynical laugh leaves his mouth. "Why me, is this what I deserve?! My one chance of happiness and this is what happens?! My wife and my unborn child die on me leaving me alone. Is this the universe's way to punish me for all the stupid shit I've done? My life was a joke Ted, a joke! My dad leaves me alone. My first girlfriend leaves me for some pathetic idiot, my wife dies, my child goes along with her, like losing one isn't enough but both! I lose my job, I'm broke. And then my friends, I just abandon them and I let them leave me in this darkness. You know I deserve this. All of this and the only way to fix it, is right below me."
Ted is on his way. He knows where he is.
"Ted. There is a God right? You're smart, would He help me? Would He condemn me for me taking things into my own hands? Getting rid of the pain? Ha that's a stupid question. I have no good reason to be where she is. Where they both are. Look at me Ted. I treated you, Marshall, Lily, everyone I love terribly. Those one-night stands with those girls. They all hate me because I just used them. I know the answer Ted and I'm ready."
He's calm. He's not nervous. He's not scared. It's over now. Everything is over now. The pain, the guilt, the pain, the darkness, the nothingness is over.
Barney closes his eyes. He starts to fall backwards.
He opens his eyes. Confused. He sees Ted. Terrified. He didn't think he just grabbed Barney and threw him on the roof of the World Wide News building. Barney's eyes are red from the tears of numbness. His cheeks red from the alcohol.
"Robin wouldn't want you to be like this, she wouldn't want you to jump off of the building and kill yourself! Barney we miss you and we love you. I'm not letting you do this. Robin would want you to live without her. She would want you to live Barney!"
His eyes, sadness.
"I can't Ted. I can't live like this anymore. I need her." He became a child. Sobbing. For the first time in front of an actual person. Not a picture, not in front of tombstones. His best friend.
Ted was shaking, his best friend just tried to kill himself.
"I'm taking you home."
"There is no point Ted! Why can't you see that! Why don't you just let me die, let me end the misery! The pain!" He was screaming. Anger.
"Because you deserve a life Barney, you deserve to be happy. The point is to live for her, for both of them!"
Silence.
Sadness. Anger. Exhaustion.
"I want to go home Ted."
Ted nodded. Followed his wish. Barney was drunk. He fell asleep in the cab ride home. Ted stayed over to watch over him. Calling his wife explaining what happened. She understands.
In the morning everyone was there. All his friends. The nothingness, the hiding, the togetherness, the ruse. He's putting the wall down. It gets out. The feelings. He feels better. He's not alone.
It's been 8 years. It's getting better. Time goes on. People move on. He moved on. He laughs, he smiles, he sleeps. He stopped drinking. He fell in love again. He's thinking about proposing. She knows everything.
The love of his life. The tragedy. The dark ages. The attempt at suicide. She makes him feel better. Makes him alive.
Robin is still there. Forever. In his heart. Clara is too, he just doesn't have a face to put on the memory.
The pain is still there but she helps him. He has friends, he has his soon-to-be-fiancé.
He learns she's pregnant. He's scared because last time this happened everything went terribly wrong but he's learning that history doesn't always repeat itself.
He's happy again.
He's better.