Friends from the other side:
Another three fingers of whiskey gushed around the glass, eroding a little more of the crushed ice with each slosh and swirl of the amber liquid.
David gazed into the depths of the glass, feeling a little more morose with each gentle swish of the alcohol through the strata of frozen water.
Where had it all gone wrong?
You get stabbed in the back enough times, all treachery seems to merge into one meta-stab.
It's the same with blackmail and all of the other little ways that friends turn into enemies with the stroke of the pen.
It got you what? A fancy office, a company car with a chauffeur, a bay-view and a secretary who brought you up Chinese along with a message saying that she'll be filing litigation against you unless you support her gambling habit.
No point to it all. In the end, we'll be naught but ashes. We just eat and sleep and eat and work to make more money for more children.
Then again, you might as well enjoy it- but if only there was something better. A life that remained free from darkness, fear, hate and gloom.
David reached for the box and opened it. A fortune cookie sat atop the rapidly cooling noodles.
He usually threw them away, but now he could almost see the point of having these little prepackaged futures. They were hope, a hope that things might, just might follow the pattern and get better, if only you believed in what was typed on those small white sheets.
He cracked it in half and two white strips of paper fluttered to the desk.
Was that lucky? He supposed so, reading the first which said; "You will have many fortunes smiling upon you."
David wasn't exactly sure if he wanted fortunes smiling at him, particularly without knowing what sort of grins they were wearing.
Tentatively, He reached for the second piece, which turned out to be a large sheet of paper folded many times.
With weathered hands he deftly and delicately unfolded the slip.
It was so thin it was almost translucent and read "Go to the corner of thirty-ninth street and Cockburn avenue. Look for the signs." David smiled. An obvious scam. Get the sucker to visit somewhere remote and then rob him. Like he'd fall for…
His eyes scanned down the page and hit "You will find the world you seek David Applebee. Have Faith."
He frowned. Either this was a scam specifically targeted at himself, or he was reading the very first accurate fifty-cent fortune ever.
… But the World he Sought? He'd never mentioned that particular wanderlust to anyone, especially not his closest colleges and friends.
Why, how could they have known, when he'd never mentioned it aloud or written of it? Did they have a psychiatrist with them?
He held the paper up to the light. It sparkled ever so slightly.
There was a faint watermark too… actually it looked more like traces of scorching.
What on Earth was going on? Was he being pranked?
He pressed the button on the desk that would call his driver and glanced at the note again.
The buzzer sounded and Fred's accented lilt emanated from the desk speaker "You called for me sah?"
In the meantime, the words "Go alone." had quite suddenly- always been at the end of the message.
If that was even remotely possible.
"Ah… Uhm…. I suppose, Fred, that it would be alright for you to take this-evening off."
"Oh, Right you are sah, I'm sure the missus will thank you for me."
"What?" David paused "Oh, right, very good."
David returned to staring at the note, before grabbing his coat and hurrying out of the room. After a moment he hurried back to carefully refold the note and wrapping it in a handkerchief in his breast pocket, before scooping up the noodles and walking back out the door.
It was fortieth-street before he'd finished with the Chinese and he'd just thrown it into a bin when he turned the corner into a barren lane.
There was nothing there.
He wasn't sure what he expected, some sort of shining gate? Or perhaps a siren signaling the appearance of a police box? Of course that couldn't happen in a world like theirs. Such solutions would be too fantastic… Too Good, to be true. Ever.
David sunk to his knees and let one palm drag on the rough red brick wall for… He looked up and moved his palm around experimentally.
How very… very… Odd. It looked like brick, but it felt almost like…. Like, glass.
"'Curiouser and Curiouser' said Alice" He recited thoughtfully, pressing both his hands against the surface.
How very odd. A wall that felt regular and smooth while clearly being made from unevenly laid brick and mortar.
His hands felt fine rubbing up and down what should have been a very rough surface… why?
He pushed a little harder. The glassy smoothness of the wall yielded.
David, Heaved and slowly, ever so slowly, the wall began to flex and bend and buckle until with a universe switching, soul-rending, heart-stopping Snap.
David was no longer surrounded by the grey localized haze of the city. He floated through the æther, a void of pure sparkling blue and purple opalescence.
Nothing left to sign. No business left to conduct, no worries…. And yet, strangely sad.
For the first time in years, David began to realize just how alone he'd been in his job. He couldn't talk about it to anyone outside the service or the company, he couldn't trust anyone inside, his wife was looking for a way to divorce him and keep the house and his secretary knew it.
In the middle of it all, there had really been no time to actually get to know any of the younger fellows filtering into the department. Perhaps there were one or two decent Chaps amongst them after-all…. Though he'd never find out now.
Slowly, he began to realize, that he didn't have hands anymore. None that he could see. Or a body for that matter….
Twilight Sparkle placed her hoof on the air. It was the right place, she could feel it. An almost magnetic pull towards this spot from her horn.
"Spike, once more." She turned to the baby dragon that was following her toting half a dozen scrolls and heavy tomes.
"I sent off the Invitation to Equestria to the one who most needed it… Well, actually, the one who most needed it and was close to us. Anyway, I don't know where the letter went, because you added that spell to it- but the problem is that when you cast it, you didn't define close as a relative term. It could mean-"
Twilight nodded, ignoring Spikes protests and tossing her mane back idly as she responded "Right and I used a spell which was in the back of a book behind the library shelves with the Princesses invitation. So right about now, we should be getting the one who most needs to be shown the power of friendship for themselves!"
Spike scratched his scaly head thoughtfully. "But Twilight, even if she needs friendship, that doesn't actually mean she'll be a good friend!"
Twilight raised an eyebrow "Of course she will. Wasn't I? I mean, haven't I become one?"
Spike dropped his load in protest "But what if we get Trixie? Or a Dragon? Or a manticorn? Or a velocibat? That invitation could have gone to not just anypony, but anyone!"
Twilight shook her head at the folly of her reptilian companion "Don't be silly Spike! Why in Equestria would anyone but a my little pony be in need of friendship? Anyway, we can handle anything or anyone that appears."
Her horn began to glow as she picked up a book telekinetically and flipped through the pages.
"The last part of the spell is a spoken incantation. This will complete the summon." She cleared her throat and spoke in tones that echoed with the crash of brass and faint thunder "Crepusculum Crinis cursor Eripio tu, in girum imus nocte et consumimur igni, Existio, Exsertus Fio, Fieri, factus!"
Her horn blazed in a scintillating column of light and brilliance, the air in front of her beginning to solidify and clear even as she chanted.
Her friends were also quick to respond, Rainbow-Dash arriving first, closely followed by Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack and Pinkie pie.
In the air in front of Twilight, a pane of glass had materialized- on the other side, a creature, leaning against it.
Twilight raised her hoof to the things hand. It didn't see her, its expression unmistakably filled with wretchedness, loneliness and a resigned quality that was unlike anything she'd ever seen.
Every-pony looked towards the strange wretched creature with mixed feelings on their muzzles.
Twilight touched the pane. The creature seemed to become aware of the wall, pushing against it, warping the surface on the other side.
There was a crowded moment and then with the snap of an elastic band the size of the universe, the window seemed to wrap around the creature, inverting it and dumping it onto the green grass of ponyville.
David opened his eyes. He could feel the tickle of grass against his skin, the soft kiss of the sun on his face, the smell of fresh, clean air-
A shadow passed over him. A purple pony moved in front of the light.
"Uh, Hello? Where…am…I" His speech slowed as a hat-wearing horse, a pink pony and one which looked like an equestrian collision between a fruit rollup and a dulux colour chart all circled over him.
"You're not what I expected." The purple one said.
A white one with an immaculate purple mane clopped into view "What exactly were you expecting Twilight?"
The predominantly purple pointed pony shrugged "Someone in need of a few friends…. Although, he looks nothing like the thing on the other-side of that window."
The hat one looked at the pointed purple pony "Sweetie, I think you went just a little to far with that magic of yours this time. I mean look at him."
David pushed himself up, causing the circle to widen as each of the Technicolor ponies backed away. "Hello hallucinations. I must have been closer to falling off the deep-end than I thought… Oh-well, I can only hope that they put me in a home and not some padded room somewhere when they come to take me away ha-ha." He fell backwards, gibbering.
Twilight looked around her group of friends "I think that the transfer may have… Messed with him... someone should take care of him while I look for a spell that can fix this."
The other ponies looked at David, still twitching on the ground.
"I've got a huge order to fill for Hoity Toighty, I simply must Dash!-" "-It's harvesting time at the apple orchard, all hands on deck-" "-There's a big storm heading this way, Gotta Fly!"
Twilight called after Rainbow dash "But I thought you could clear the sky in… ten seconds flat-"
Twilight turned around, to come face to face with Pinkie, grinning.
The purple pony sighed "You're going to organize a pa-"
Pinkie grabbed her by the muzzle "Shhhhh Not So Loud! It'!"
With that the hyperactive horse hoofed it into the distance in a cloud of sprinkles.
Twilight sighed "Fluttershy? Fluttershy? Where have you gotten to?"
The pastel pony was quivering, still in shock from the snap, several meters away.
"Fluttershy?" Twilight reached out to poke the pony before thinking better of it, telekinetically grabbing her friend before nudging her on the nuzzle.
Fluttershy attempted to flip out while being held immobile, producing a spectrum of distressing whinnies before finally she calmed down enough to be released from the unicorns grip.
"Fluttershy, can you take this person and take care of him until I figure out what went wrong with the transfer. Think of him as a sick animal okay?"
The fidgety filly nodded tentatively "Yes….Okay."
Twilight sighed gratefully "Good to know I have someone I can rely on, right Spike?... Spike?... Where is that dragon?"
Twilight left Fluttershy to her task, teleporting herself back to the library.
"Spiiiikeee! Where are you?"
"Right here Twilight" Replied spike, peaking down from the second floor "I just sent a report to Celestia on your Huge success! She's coming down to see what you summoned tomorrow…." Spike paused, sliding down the ladder to wave his hand in front of the paralyzed ponies muzzle.
"You in there?"
"SPIKEEEE! He's gibbering! The transfer must have messed with his Mind and now the princess is going to see my huge mistake! She might even… Give me An Official reprimand!"
The dragon looked at her quizzically.
"Why would she? Everyone makes mistakes every once in a while." Spike thrust his palms skyward in puzzlement.
"Just…. You don't know anything about royalty do you spike?" Twilight's horn began to glow and spike's lips sealed together.
"I'm sorry, but I can't have you babbling at me at a time of crisis like this!" she turned away to peruse her bookshelf.
Spike scowled and furiously scribbled out a memo which he thrust into twilights face.
"What's this? 'The Dragon royal line is three thousand years older than equestria and still going strong.'
Oh. Wait, so why do you work for Celestia and me then?" she asked him skeptically.
"Mhhmh mmmphl mmmlhph!" Spike pointed at his sealed lips.
"Sorry…. Uh… I don't know the dispel for this one. Hang on." Her horn flared and Spikes mouth was suddenly Zipped shut. He pulled it open and tapped his foot.
"What have I told you about using your powers without knowing how to stop using them? I thought you learned after the winter wrap-up incident."
Twilight shied away.
"Furthermore Twilight Sparkle, I am here on exchange from the dragon king. In a hundred years from now I will become the ambassador in charge of all gemstone exports. You do realize that Equestria is a tenth of the size of our capital city? Dragonkind spans most of the globe, the only reason Equestria hasn't become a hobby farm for a gold drake family or three by now is because we're gluttons and Unicorn picked gemstones are the most exclusive foodstuff in the whole world! Your entire nation is essentially a jewel basket for Dragonkind! Hellfire and skullduggery, a dragon snoring almost caused your nation to be rubbed out."
Twilight's mouth moved soundlessly, she recovered herself enough to say "But, we have the power of Magic on our side! Dragons don't have magic…."
Spike leaned over in an exaggerated sigh "How do you think I send messages? Never-mind, give me a moment." He walked over and rummaged in his basket.
"Wha… Spike, you never told me any of this?"
"Actually I did." He brought out a green pouch and reached in, bringing his hand out full of glistening sparkling sand.
"What is that?"
"Nothing. You were just panicking for the last two minutes until you remembered that Fluttershy has all of the natural remedy books out on permanent loan."
"No I-" Spike threw the powder into the air and Twilight Froze mid sentence.
By the time he'd secreted the pouch back under his blanket Twilight had begun to snap out of it.
"Twilight Sparkle! You need to get along to Fluttershy's house!"
"Oh that's right! Thanks Spike! I don't know what I'd do without you!" She galloped off without a moment to spare.
Spike watched her go with a sigh and pulled out a framed picture of Rarity from beneath his pillow.
"Ahhh, one day when I rule this backwater, I'll have you to rule with, Rarity, my own little alabaster delightful and delectable dedicated diamond detector… And I'll Show Them All!" He laughed to himself menacingly.
Meanwhile, at Flutter-shy's cottage, the filly fluttered fitfully over her present patient.
At least until an uninvited unicorn burst into the room.
"How is he?" Twilight sparkle blurted out.
Fluttershy alighted by her patient.
"I don't know. I'm used to working with animals…. But…."she trailed off as Twilight began to dash around the room with reckless speed, babbling all the while.
"I know what the trouble is! He just needs medicine, that's right and if I find the right book I can give him the right cure and he will get up and thank us and meet the princess and everything will be good and-" she began to gather up herbs and powders from Fluttershy's medicine cabinet, grinding up this, adding a pinch of that, using her horn to stir and heat the mixture into a drought.
She was just about to force the fluid down the patient patients throat, when Fluttershy flitted in front of her and fixed her with a steely gaze.
"Stop and Listen to Me!" The words reached into the maddened mares mind and flicked that little switch marked 'Bad Foal!'. Twilight's legs began to buckle as her mind was flooded with the primal fears of grounding, Library privilege revocation and bed without a story.
The cup of concoction came crashing down as Twilights concentration was shattered.
"Now, Twilight, I already did all that. He's fine with taking medicine, he understands it… But I can't give him any more now, it wouldn't be safe!"
Twilight slowly came to "I didn't eat all the apples ma, I sw… What?"
Fluttersighed and repeated "He's taken medicine, it didn't do anything and it would be dangerous to give him more!"
Twilight looked at the patient "So how is he?"
Fluttershy moved her hoof in nervous circles on the ground "Still babbling I'm afraid, he seems, uh… convinced that my little Ponies can't talk."
David chose this moment to pipe up "Isn't this all fun; a horse is a horse of course of course and horses cannot hold discourse of course, otherwise you'd all be as hoarse as a horse of course… Incidentally, I really do hope that I'm actually in a hospital and not just trying to eat sand on a sidewalk. That would be terrible."
The Equestarians exchanged glances "How much of that did you understand Fluttershy?"
"Uhmmm. Nothing?"
David spoke again, gazed fixed upon the ceiling "You see, the fundamental question here, is not whether I have become insane, but whether I am now sane and the rest of the world is crazy.
Why shouldn't horse's hold discourses, or wild hogs dialogs? Something to do with neurobiology and the inverse squared law? Then again, if all of that was just hoo-haw how would I know? Why don't I believe in this universe when I believed in equally improbable things such as the inland revenue service, or experimental bakery in the last one? Is it so difficult to decide, or is it just the colour scheme that I deride?"
Twilight murmured "Does he always talk like that?"
Fluttershy nodded and replied "Actually, I asked a few of the finches to fetch Zacora when I got back."
With a convenient sense of timing, the door opened.
David leaned forward "Save my souls and laces too, will the next thing I see be a Kangaroo?"
The Zebra eyed the bed where David lay.
"I was going to ask, for what sort of task, you'd called me here today, but it's obvious that this one is a few stripes short I'm afraid."
"I resent that, my flag is perfectly fine thank you very much."
The ponies did what they could and waited on him mouth and hoof, but his mind remained unchanged, he was utterly convinced that his sanity was estranged.
Twilight frowned after another half an hour of debate and diagnosis, when suddenly something clicked in her brain about their initial prognosis.
"Girls! I've got it! He only thinks he's crazy, that's why we can't cure him!"
Fluttershy cocked her head to one side, her mane hanging down straight as she gave her friend a puzzled stare.
"Never-mind, just, go and see if you can get Pinkie pie to come up here and talk to him!"
Zacora shrugged and commented in her enigmatic way; "I've never known two wrongs to make a right, but if you believe it will work, then alright." And with that she clip-clopped out of the room, followed closely by the pastel Pegasus.
Twilight slumped by the bed, exhausted.
David patted her mane.
"Just a quick question, how exactly do you read books?"
Twilight looked up, puzzled.
"With no thumbs? How do you grip things with hooves?"
"Uh, I never really thought about it, I just, do."
"How was this house built? I mean it's a nice cottage but do you have power tools? Electricity? Good building materials, that sort of thing? Tools fashioned for hooves and hoof free use?"
"Uh, I'm not sure, I'm only familiar with Canterlot architecture and we, they just used magic."
"Magic." He leaned back into his pillow "I hate it when people just fill in what they don't understand with a simple and forgettable word."
Twilight snorted "Don't understand, I understand magic perfectly well thank you! It comes from within and-"
"What is it, How is it manipulated, How may it be measured and what are its properties? Although a phenomena may be usable, to simply believe that reality will change itself because you believe it will is-"
Twilight was getting more and more agitated, with her bed-bound patient "Magic is composed of Elan Vitale, it can be channeled by certain creatures and through certain shapes, either by choice or involuntarily, it is a imminent and vital Force not a substance that may be measured and distilled!"
Remaining quite calm, David smiled mildly "So it is made of something you cannot explain, manipulated by channels you have not mapped, for reasons you have not discerned and purposes you do not know.
I may write a book about this particular dream when I come to. I suppose it was brought on when they beat me over the head to knock me out and take my wallet. I guess I can write about that too. Should be interesting."
Twilight clutched at her head with her hoofs, growling in agitation "RRRggghh! For the Last TIME , this is not Madness! This Is EQUESTRIA! We are in PONYVILLE! You are talking to My Little Ponies! For Celestia's sake just BELIEVE ME! Pleeaassseee! The Princess is coming tomorrow- To see you, just, I don't care if you believe this is all an illusion or not, just…. Could you at least pretend you believe this world is real! For just one day?" Twilight put her hoofs together as she knelt, pleading in front of the cot where David was lying, before leaning forward, head bowed, to sob in frustration.
"…Okay. So what now?"
Twilight looked up, eyes red-rimmed "What?"
"I believe you. What now?" David repeated mildly.
"I.. I…" Twilight sniffed and swallowed another sob "Really?"
"No, but we can both pretend."
Twilight sparkle sniffed a final time and then bit her lip "Uh… I suppose, the first step is for us to show you around town!"
"Capital idea! I suppose that my presence won't raise too many eyebrows from the NPC's?"
"What?"
"Nothing. Shall we trot off then?"
". Right." Twilight responded uncertainly, still trying to decipher his previous statement.
She pushed open the door with a telekinetic nudge and led David out into the sunshine
"What's your name by the way?"
"David. David AppleBee."
Twilight was about to respond when someone else interrupted.
"Weird. What kind of a name is that?" Rainbow Dash flew down and circled David once.
"A pretty average one, and you are?" He raised an eyebrow at the multicolored mare.
Rainbow struck a pose "The one, the only, Rain-Bow Dash! Fastest Flier in all Ponyville and euquestria too! Also the proud user of the legendary flying maneuver, Sonic Rainboom! I can create a sonic boom and a rainbow at the same time!"
David looked at her blankly "….. I'm not even going to touch that one."
Twilight twisted around to look at him "What one?"
"Her" and he motioned to the hovering Rainbow Dash "Being able to break the sound-barrier, create a rainbow and… where do I even begin, do you ponies even know any physics at all? Never-mind. Just, never-mind."
Twilight rubbed her muzzle reflectively. "I think I read about an apple farmer called Newton, published a bunch of books… I haven't read any."
"Oh?" David perked up.
"But from what I heard they were a laugh a minute, complete nonsense." Twilight gestured dismissively, causing Rainbow Dash to draw closer.
"You never say anything like that's nonsense, at least until you see it for yourself, what gives?" she asked the ubiquitous unicorn.
"Well, for example there was something about him coming up with these ideas after an apple fell or hit him on the head or something… and then, get this, he says that there's something called gravity that pulls everything towards the ground with equal force…. And that's not the half of it, he got even weirder when no one believed him, claimed that nothing can be destroyed or created and that he could prove that you would weigh less on the moon than you did in Equestria!"
David looked on with a fixed grin as Rainbow Dash began to laugh herself silly.
"Could we just…. Move on now?" He asked, a trifle wearily.
"Sure! I know, I'll teleport us all over to town. I've been practicing a lot lately." Twilight's horn began to glow with coruscating magical energies as David looked on in disbelief and Rainbow-Dash, anticipation.
An almost musical hum began to build up before- Bamf!
The transition took its toll on Twilight, but David didn't notice, instead he stared at the street in wonder as the ponyfolk went about their business.
Everypony… seemed, so… so…Happy.
He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen someone smile, really smile, not just as a grimace or to cover up sadness.
On the streets, when he looked around at the masses of people, they'd always been serious, focused.
Blinkered and blind to the rest of the world beyond their immediate destination.
Here no one seemed to be In a hurry, no one was frowning or arguing- and it was genuine. Everyone was genuinely happy to be alive, to feel the grass between their hooves and the sun on their flanks.
"Wait up!" Twilight appeared in front of him and he almost collided with her.
He shook his head, only then realizing he'd been running sprinting through this wondrous place.
Everyone passed them by, chatting and laughing as he turned round and round trying to take it all in.
"It's… Brilliant! This place is, just brilliant! It's so different! It's new! It just makes me want to -mphlllhpm!" his words were muffled as Rainbow Dash stuck her hoof in his mouth.
"We already have one crazy singing pony around here, we don't need a crazy singing colt."
"Rainbow!" Twilight protested in anger and embarrassment.
David shook his head, having been de-hoofed and spoke nonchalantly "It's okay, just why isn't anyone looking at me, I mean my kind must be quite a rarity in your world. Aren't they?"
"Did someone call my name?" A high pitched voice sang out from across the street.
"No Rarity, it's just the guy Twilight brought here." Rainbow Dash called back.
Twilight looked at David side on "What did you mean by your kind. Did you mean what you looked like on the other side?"
"Humans, you know hands…. Feet…. I'm a Pony, aren't I?" David's eye began to twitch.
"How could you have not noticed that?" Rainbow dash asked, legs hanging slack as she hovered low, looking exasperated.
"I don't know about you, but I don't look at myself all the time… If it's okay, can I get a mirror?"
Rarity had just trotted over and Twilight smiled "Just the Pony we're looking for. Can we visit your shop for a moment?"
David gazed at himself in the mirror. Square muzzle. Brown… fur? Mane….. blondish? No, more Sandy.
Huh. I'm a pony now…. How odd, I don't seem to be panicking?
"By the way I've been looking for someone to try on some of these new saddles-"
"Wups! Look at the time, I've gotta go tend to the sky!" "It's my shift back at the library."
Rarity rolled her eyes "It's Rapidashery not mare's-ware, relax you two."
Okay, Now I'm panicking. "Excuse me, but I have…. Some job…. To…. Oh darn."
Half an hour later, the breath was being squeezed from David's chest as rarity tried to move the saddle and bridle in by a few sizes.
"B…larggg…." David collapsed on the platform, jewel encrusted metal straps cutting into his sides
"Are these… real?" He asked, nuzzling the twenty five carat horseshoes he'd been saddled with.
"Of course!" Rarity put a hoof to her chest, affronted.
"Oh… Generally what you've got me dressed up in what might be termed a 'Kings ransom'… heck, some of these diamonds are larger than the dang crown jewels! You could outfit an entire royal family with these things… Is this normal here?"
Before Rarity could respond, the door burst open to reveal three fillies in matching red capes, fluttering in a fierce breeze and with oversized cameras hanging around their necks… and rather more bizarrely; Matching Hats, the old timey reporter kind with the cards stuck in the hatbands.
"Never Fear, the Cutie Mark Crusader Cameraponies are here!" they called out in gleeful noise.
Sweetie Belle trotted forward while Applebloom and Scootaloo dragged the fan inside.
"Don't worry sis, We've got all your ponygraphy needs handled!" Sweetie Belle Gestured to her comrades who proceeded to blind the dressmaker with their flashes.
"Yes, well, that's all very good and-"Rarity went unheeded, the Filly's sighting David and rushing forward like sharks scenting new blood.
"Scootaloo, We've got a live one! Go spot for us, Sweetie, you're on diary duty!"
Sweetie nodded, pulling out a thick book from under her cape and chomping down on a pencil.
"Applebloom, what-?" Twilight began, only to be silenced by a raised hoof from the focused filly.
"Scootaloo! Report, what is the status of his mark!"
Scootaloo popped up from the far side of David, snapping a salute "Mark hidden by saddle, Permission to remove?"
"Granted."
"Hey Gerroff me!" David protested as Scootaloo began to try and tear at the constricting corsetry circumventing his flanks.
"Cutiemark Crusader Commander Applebloom! He has no cutie mark!"
Applebloom froze, only her lips moving as she spoke in a low, hoarse, whisper; "Oh My little God!" "Would that go under N for None or A for absent? Or maybe Z for Zilch?" Sweetibell asked, flipping through the pages of their record book.
"Surgeon general Sweetie Belle, this is no time for record making, this is time for action! Quickly, Cutie-Mark-Crusader Commanders! To the Crisis Control Clubhouse! Away!"
The hyperactive horses hoofed it out the door, leaving behind a trail of carnage, confusion and one completely confuzzled colt.
"I don't think I could have taken much more of that." David commented as he shakily pushed himself up.
"Much more of what?" Twilight asked frowning.
It took David all of thirty seconds to realize that she was completely serious.
"The… the… Random encounters! Honestly, when do children bent on alliteration and being unhelpfilly helpful spontaneously burst into people's houses? People aren't really like that, being that random takes "Planning and… time and… and… Effort! To have the boundless self confidence to improvise that would take a professional stand-up comedian, to be both random, zany and yet understandable and spontaneous is really hard. I can't imagine someone whose personality is like that all the time.
It's inconceivable, Impossible. Which is why I couldn't take much more of that… randomness, it's such a contradiction, between the amount of intelligence it must take to be that silly and their own age and apparent personalities."
Midway through his rant, Twilight took Rainbowdash aside. "We can't let him talk to Pinkie Pie."
RainbowDash looked at Twilight, the words 'No Duh!' Clearly emblazoned on her features.
Twilight shrank back "Okay, look, I sent Zecora and Fluttershy to find Pinkie earlier and bring her to him, you have to find and stop them. She can't meet him until after tomorrow, when Celestia will see how perfectly sane and normal he is."
Rarity walked back in then, trailed by Pinkiepie, Zecora, Fluttershy and Applejack.
David looked over at the new arrivals, while Twilight and Dash froze at the sight of their utterly unpredictable friend.
Who then did something that no one could have anticipated. She walked over, put her hoof on her heart and informed David that he'd have to leave.
"What!" came the universal cry from her assembled friends.
"Pinkie Pie! What in the world are you saying?" Twilight asked her friend, completely dumbfounded.
The Predominantly Pink Pony pointed at Twilight and said in the most serious manner anyone had heard her speak in "More than anyone you were at fault here. You've forced two dimensional balloons into an unnatural coefficient, you sandwiched two entire ovoids of existence together, the resultant quantum static feedback is building up around the contact point! The resultant discharge could result in catastrophic compromisation of our relativistic integrity! You almost tangled the Time String's! What were you thinking Woman!"
There was silence… except for the deafening explosion of six minds blown in unison.
"You don't need to answer, we've been here dozens of times before. It's almost depressing, the way you all act in exactly the same way upon discovering I'm not just some harmlessly insane imbecile.
Well, let's try things a little differently this time. Have I ever been wrong? About anything?"
Applejack frowned "Well, no, but what are you trying to say?"
Pinkie ignored Applejack "I'm never wrong, didn't you wonder about the whole predict the future thing?
The way I can appear almost anywhere, even when it shouldn't be physically possible for me to do so?"
"Well…No…." Rainbowdash admitted.
"How about the way I can apparently obtain bizarre paraphernalia on short notice?"
Rarity frowned "Actually, I did wonder about where you got all that stuff when we went to face the dragon."
Pinkie gave her a wry grin "I had to go through that day almost two hundred and eighty four times before I discovered that by wearing that exact outfit, the dragon wouldn't charbroil all of you. You're welcome."
Twilight whinnied and shook her head vigorously "I can take some of this, but time travel? No, you can't do that. I refuse to believe you can."
Pinkie rolled her eyes and trotted over to the window.
After a moment, twilight stepped forward, emboldened by her silence "Nothing to say to that Pinkie? Are you done with this charade?"
Pinkie didn't respond, instead sliding up the window and sticking her head out to shout "Hey Doc! Could I borrow you for a moment?"
Apparently satisfied she withdrew and fixed her eyes on a vacant section of floor, apparently counting under her breath.
There was a wail and the sound of klaxon that was all too familiar for David.
"Oh no… not that doctor?" he said, watching as the terribly real looking blue box began to materialize.
The door opened and a Colt trotted out, an hourglass affixed to his flank and a bouquet in his mouth.
Pinkie grinned "Aww, You shouldn't have. I really don't know how you find the time to bring me gifts."
They both shared a smile over the minor joke.
She took the flowers, sniffed them and then took a monumental bite from the bouquet.
"Fun stuff over, Recognition code Oh four equilon zulu colt whinny- Confirm please?"
"It's always a pleasure Agent Pi. Confirmation code twelve twentyfour nine, There Is An Exception To Every Rule."
"Paradox confirmed, Temporal state confirmed, no conflicts of event path. Everypony, this is Doctor Whooves. He's basically the guy in charge of making sure today doesn't follow tomorrow and that I have all the opportunities I need to keep all of you alive without actually ever realizing I'm a member of P.A.R.T.Y.- Pandimensional Agents of Reality and Temporal Yconasicism. The last word is from a multidimensional dialect, don't worry your manes over it. I don't actually move in time… actually the opposite, what happens to me, stays happened. I've got my own personal anachronometron which allows me to experience things over and over, with each failure appearing as a very accurate premonition…. I'm getting wayyyy behind myself now though. But anyway, I'm sure that this explains to you all why you've all noticed the good doctor being in several places at once."
David nudged her on the flank "So what has this to do with me?"
Pinkie raised her eyes imploringly "Simple, I'm going to have to take you back to your own dimension Via the proper channels, while the most recent Doctor Whooves collaborates with Derpy to ensure that Twilight never caused a contact point in the first place. We'd do it straight away, but your presence here prevents us, kinda like the way you can't save over a file if it's still open on your computer."
"What's a computer?" RainbowDash asked, flying over to the two.
"Human thing, complicated." Pinkie shrugged and then nodded to Doctor Whooves, who reentered his time machine, which promptly began to disappear.
Pinkie looked at her audience, most still in a state of total brain blowout.
"I'll be taking David here back to his Dimensional Balloon in a moment, anypony who wants to come, better pay attention."
She pranced backward and in a very different voice "Youuuu Put your left hoof in, you pull you left hoof out, you put your right foot up and shake it all about. You do the okie lokie and you turn around-" As she turned, clockwise and on the spot, more and more of her body disappeared, cutting off her words and continuing until with a flick of her tail, Pinkie had literally Vanished into thin air.
Abruptly, she reemerged out of thin air, only to land, roll and then jump up to yell "And that's what It's all about!"
Her friends looked on as David imitated her and walked out of existence, closely followed by Pinkie.
David felt his jaw hang loose.
He'd been prepared for something… but not this.
"My… God…. It's full of Balloons!"
"Beautiful. Isn't it?" Pinkie had trotted alongside him, far shorter than she used to be.
"What are they?" Was all he could think to ask.
"Each one is a dimension. Their density and height indicate how materially and quantum mechanically similar to one another they are. The balloons themselves are something of a threshold. If you aren't careful, they absorb you and recompile your matter according to the relative equivalent of whoever or whatever you were where you came from into what you are where you've gone too…. First form takes precedence between the dimensions though. That's why you now have opposable thumbs."
David didn't even take a moment to think about the state of his digits.
"Where do the balloons come from?'
Pinkie shook her head "No-one knows, we assume it's the greatest party EVER. The closer you get though, the less like the balloons are to your own dimensions, the greater the chance of spontaneous absorption. Balloons are far closer together further down too. People have tried to get to the bottom, but…. we never saw them again… either the party was just that good or they got sucked into some sort of impossible to escape barrier dimension made of knives." She paused for a moment, as if considering the possibility of a dimension constructed entirely of blades, before getting back to the task at hand.
"So, now let's be moving on, we should get you back to earth as soon as possible."
She bounced along the surface of the balloon, humming.
David ran after her, brain working overtime to absorb all this new information.
"So why aren't your friends simply following us?" He asked as they moved across the dimensional balloon.
"Neither of us is classified as being part of their world. Only if one of them had gone out first would their temporal progression be in synch with ours. Otherwise, after forty two seconds exactly, they are frozen from our perspective."
"Forty Two? You've got to be kidding me!" "Nope. I have to say though, when Douggie wrote his book, he really didn't portray me in a very flattering light."
"What!" David was dumbfounded, Flabbergasted, stumped. He felt like someone had beat him over the head with a large, freshly caught fish.
"Just kidding! Or am I? You'll never know." She giggled with manic glee. "It takes a special kind of person to work cross dimensionally, you have to be flexible enough to deal with changing shape and customs whenever you go between balloons, smart enough to deal with problems inventively and persistent enough to go through the same days hundreds of times trying to get the best result.
Either you master it in ten years, or you have a psychotic episode and go so far round the bend that we have to just shove you off the edge of existence."
David shook his head, surprised that he wasn't out of breath.
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"It helps keep me sane. Y'knowww like a psychiatry appointment, except the other way round. To be perfectly honest, I'm just indulging myself by talking to you. Now that you're out here, you're like an elastic band. I just need to poke you in the right direction and you'll snap back to where you started. Like this!" Pinkie grabbed at her cutie mark, peeling off a balloon and then slapping it on David's stomach.
The stunned man could only watch as his vision began to swirl like a vortex of inks, dissolving and resolving back on the street where he'd started.
He looked at the wall, and just beyond, he was almost sure that he could see the bright, pure world of the equestrian ponies.
"I asked you- What th' hell are you doin?" Came a deep, accented voice, full of bluster and confidence- from about three inches behind David.
For a moment, he hesitated and then, smiled.
Turning around he smiled mildly and openly at the passerby.
"I was asking myself where my life went wrong. I'm about to be accused of sexual harassment if I don't help my secretary maintain her gambling habit, which will mean my wife, who is looking for a reason to divorce me now that she's learned that I actually care about where the housecleaning money goes, will use that as a tool to try and wrest my worldly possessions from me, while the scandal forces me to leave the industry in shame. How about you?"
"Shit man, just walkin by wondering what a guy with a suit like yours was doin staring at a wall. So you're sayin everyone's just fuckin tryin to take your money? Too bad man, what do you do?"
"I'm the guy who made touch-screens work…. If you've got an Eyepwn or one of them, I was one of the guys who helped put it together.
The passerby pulled a shiny new phone from his baggy jeans "Like this? Wow man, this shit is amazing, Respect."
David grinned "Wanna see a neat trick?"
"Sure." He handed over the phone and david's fingers began to dance over the screen.
"If you touch these in exactly the right places, in the right order, with the right rhythm- Presto. Try downloading something off the Snapple network."
The young man twiddled with the phone for a moment, and then looked up, stunned.
"Yeah, that code unlocks developer mode. We get to download stuff for free. Keep it under your hat, okay?"
"Woah, thanks man… why did you do that?" he was surprised, stunned and slightly suspicious.
David's grin lessened "I suppose I just wanted to make someone happy. It's a good feeling actually. Cheerio." With that, he walked off, humming 'The best things in life are free'.
The next morning, Alira Alcroft stalked into the office. She'd made sure to make herself up to look particularly busty this morning. She'd confront her boss who'd have worried all night about her ultimatum, he'd settle and then she'd keep her house… and maybe a little extra on the side.
Life was good.
She turned the corner into the staff kitchen where there was the smell of fresh coffee brewing.
"Good morning Alira." David Applebee said from the other side of the table. There were half a dozen empty cups in-front of him, yet he still looked like death warmed up.
She checked her watch, it was too early, she made a point of being first in this-morning. So he must have been here alllll night. Perfect.
"David, I'm going to be perfectly frank with you. Neither of us wants a lengthy court battle, but whatever happens, it will hurt you a lot more than it will hurt me. Even more than you know, you see, I took the liberty of checking your personal diary when I was fixing your product proposal last week.
I know that you believe your wife is on the brink of calling for an uneven split, so I took the liberty of getting into contact with her. We've come to an agreement."
"And if I don't pay this money?"
"Then I'll see you in court you disgusting pervert."
"Hah. Ah-hah. Ah-hah hah ha ahhhh." David began to bang his fist on the table, weeping tears of mirth.
When he could finally control himself, he just smiled at her for a minute, with benevolent grace.
"Well, It looks like I have no other options. Just out of curiosity, what would you have said in court, had I not decided to pay you off?"
She fished around in her handbag for a sheet of paper, which she scanned before speaking.
"I would have said that you assailed me and attempted to force yourself upon me two months ago, on the night of the first of May. Before then you'd been eyeing me and when you interviewed me for the job you seemed distracted." She walked over to the coffee maker while she was talking.
"I was wrong about you… and I just want you to know, that I'd be willing to help you out of the spot you're in financially as long as you actually actively sought help and therapy for the problem."
She whirled around, coffee slopping from her ceramic mug.
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, either let me help you help yourself, or I'll be seeing you in court." He got up and walked to the door, waving jauntily.
"Have a real nice day now, ya hear?" And with that he was gone.
Alira's eyes immediately focused on the black oblong at the center of the circle of mugs.
A Tape Recorder!
… And he'd left it behind! He'd forgotten to take the one piece of evidence that could have dug himself out of the jam he was in!
Hah! She wouldn't let him get another opportunity like this! She'd destroy the tape, right here, right now…. Or maybe…. She ejected the tape and then whistled as she dunked it in her coffee.
It wasn't enough though... She eyed the microwave and bunged the tape in for thirty seconds at defrost.
Then, she tapped out the liquid from inside and forced the tape back into the slot.
She pressed play and a blurr of disordered slurs emitted from the speaker.
The Perfect Crime.
She strutted off, a wolf-like grin on her perfectly made up face.
The day of court arrived quickly after a week of scandalous editorials and interviews about the deplorable behavior of the senior businessman that shocked colleges.
What many of the people in the public box noticed, was how calm the defendant looked, with a sphinx-like air of self confidence.
Proceedings began with a sob filled, heart-wrenching account of how Alira was just trying to get by and couldn't leave her job for the sake of her kids and that saying anything would get her fired. Her lawyer also mentioned that misses AppleBee was filing for divorce.
However, things began to change when they were asked to call their witnesses.
No-one had come.
Alira hissed to her lawyer when asked to leave the witness box. "They promised! Where the hell are they? You don't suppose that he did something do you?"
Her lawyer looked at her contemptuously.
"He'd have had to know who you were calling and unless you told him he could not have reached all of them and convinced every single one not to show up with no explanation."
Alira grimaced, unconvinced.
The judge peered at the prosecutor "If you have nothing else to add?"
The young lawyer stood up. "No m'lord, our witnesses are not present. We request permission to adjourn and investigate why."
"If I may shed some light on this." David stood up. "I would like to present a piece of evidence that I'm sure the court will find compelling."
He pulled out a black tape recorder from his pocket and then smiled "The evidence I'd like to present is in video format, may we have a projector so that the court may see it?"
The judge looked at him and found only polite helpfulness.
"Granted." He grumbled, jowls wobbling.
The projector was brought down and Alira, looking increasingly worried, watched as David inserted a thumb-drive into the old computer hooked up to the projector.
Moments later, he'd brought up a video clip. It was the Kitchen. He was removing the ear buds from an old fashioned tape recorder.
"Smooth jazz, can't get enough of it." The on-screen version said to itself, sipping the last cup of coffee in the row.
At that moment, Alira walked in. The conversation went like clockwork...and then, she watched as she destroyed the tape.
David looked at her "I really liked that music, couldn't you have just checked before you tried to destroy evidence? By the way, you mentioned a date that we apparently had our little te-ah-te on.
What you may not know is that I recorded all our important late night meetings so that I could listen to them when I was fresh the next day.
I have a two hour recording of our perfectly civil conversation, on the plasmius project proposal, due the next day, at the end of which you get up and leave, while I forget to turn the recorder off.
Is there anything you'd like to say?"
"Lies! All of it, you faked that recording!"
David kept on smiling. "I thought you might say that. I knew I wouldn't be able to easily disprove it, even with expert statements… but now, I must ask the court, if that recording was fake, why will the tape recorder I handed to court officials earlier have your fingerprints on it? Not on the outside. On the tape, your fingerprints and oils, mixed with coffee and having been exposed to microwaves. How would I have possibly tricked you into doing that?" Alira's eye's flickered to the tape recorder that David had taken out earlier.
He caught the glance and pressed the play button. "What can I say? I like smooth Jazz."
Finally the prosecutor stood up "Objection, this is completely out of order, the evidence he is presenting has no verifiability. Furthermore, they are all clearly examples of a deliberate attempt to cause self incrimination." David raised an eyebrow.
"I set that camera up weeks ago. Someone had been eating all of the biscuits and taking the mugs.
Heck, I've been more than lenient. I even offered to avoid this entire kafuffle to help her order her life."
He shrugged "I suppose that I rest my case." He nodded to his lawyer "Sorry about that frank, I don't think I left you anything to do."
The large middle aged man lounging in his chair shrugged "I'll give you a discount."
"No, I called you out here."
"You're too kind."
"Silence! Will the defendant please move back to his position."
David nodded "Certainly, however I would like it logged now, that at no point did I force anyone to do anything. Also the video is on Youtube." He checked his phone "Almost a million hits. Wow."
Alira burst out of her seat "What the hell did you do to our witnesses, no one showed up!"
David smiled "I didn't tell them anything personally, however, I must mention that this video along with the blackmail document went around the office when you left early yesterday. Of course I was in custody by then. My phone has been monitored and the emails came from outside the company, or so I've heard from George. He emailed me this morning with his support. By the way, thanks for that George, knowing that everyone at the office was behind me really helped me through this."
He added the last part while looking straight at the press, still with that same implacable, almost enigmatic smile. Like the whole affair was some great joke, but he didn't want to spoil the punch-line for everyone else.
"To hell with that, you're mocking me! You planned this from the start! It's not just harassment, it's Defamation! I'll- " She yelled at him despite the urgent protests of her legal aide.
Her words were lost as the judge slammed his gavel down on the lectern with a thunderous crack.
"Be silent! This case is not over yet, although if it were up to me, I would have you remove your foolishness from this court at once- As it stands, we will need to have experts analyze the evidence you've submitted mister Applebee.
While it may be difficult to discern its integrity as it stands as a 'digital video'-" the aging man pronounced the words as though they were beneath him. You could head the inverted commas dropping into place. He coughed and continued "- I can assure you, that no roll will be left unturned."
He smiled grimly at his own obsolete pun.
David kept on smiling, right though the trials. He didn't press charges. He didn't raise a fuss. He simply let the world run along around him.
So serene, so calm, so composed was his demeanor, that many people began to whisper of secret settlements or shady plans for legal and illegal out of court settlements.
No matter what slander reached his ears, his expression didn't change one iota.
The trials were short and bitterly contested, but despite winning the battle, he didn't plan to stick around for much longer. Just long enough to set his affairs in order.
So when he got back to his house two months later, he went to his room, cleaned himself up and dressed in his best suit.
He put his left leg in.
He pulled his left leg out.
He put his right foot up and he shook it all about.
He did the Okie Lokie and he-
Was in the void. Facing Pinkiepie…. Who was leaning on a large wooden stand… which while in no way dedicated to dispensing lemonade, had a certain lemonade standy quality to it.
Actually the word 'Rocks' had been crossed out from the sign above the stand and the word 'Customs' painted underneath it.
With one elbow on the counter, she propped up her head easily on one hoof.
"I had a feeling you'd be back mister." She said matter-of-factly.
David was taken off-guard "How?... What? Oh $#%) ! You're going to stop me from leaving?"
Pinkie gestured with her free hoof to the sign above her.
"This is your official Relocation Orientation instruction Pamphlet!" She hauled a book, two feet thick, from beneath the counter. "Volume one of course."
David boggled at the gigantic tome. "Relocation… So, I can go back?"
" 'course! But you're going to have to take some duties on board. You'll be working with me while you get re-adjusted, we'll just tell everyone that you're my cousin. It explains weird behavior, absences, all that sort of stuff. In the mean-time, you'll have P.A.R.T.Y support financially and you'll be given a residence wherever you like, whenever you like. In return, you learn the 42 volumes of culture for our patrol area and go out whenever duty calls in the interest of preserving multidimensional phase space! So how 'bout it? You in?"
David didn't hesitate. "Hell. Yes. I'd do anything to live there again…. Just one thing, how were you able to pick that book up, it must weight a hell of a lot."
Pinkie shrugged "Bionic implants. Once you've had a year of service then we'll send you in for the internal fast-travel system, Anti-gravity implants, full bionics, super metabolism, the works. Seriously, it's great once you get used to it. I can eat five cakes per minute, and still not gain a single pound."
He held out a hand and they shook, hand and hoof.
Pinkie pressed the third balloon on her left flank and the makeshift stand collapsed into nothingness.
She motioned for him to follow and they bounded across the surface of the balloon, talking…
"C'mon, I'll show you round the neighbourhood while we think of a new name for you."
"Why do I need a new name?"
"You have to be a pie remember! How about dinkie-pie?"
"Nah, blinky-pie? Binky-pie?"
" Stinky pie!"
"I shall consent to being a pie, but nothing in the multiverse would make me call myself stinky."
"Heh, don't worry, we've got all the time in the worlds to work this out."
…All the way into the distance.
"Personified O-S Neurally-networked Mark 3 P.O.N.3" "Fade Fully autonimus digital entity" "DERP-3 Digitalized Equine Result Propagator version 3
COLT "Computerized Organic Life-form Test-supervisor."
Fully Integrated Linear Lifeform (Y2k-compliant)
2010-10-10