To those waiting for an update on my other fics, I'm truly sorry. I've been feeling pretty crap lately and tried working on Shinrai. However, the chapter didn't come out as I wanted it to, so I decided to just write this to get it out my system and go back and give that chapter the atmosphere I want for it (trust me, it's depressive and dark, not what I want it to be at all). Oh yeah - I lost a lot of the documents in my computer... again.
I also started wanting to call this 'Forgive Me'. It seems like a lame title to me now, but I honestly can't think of anything better. My motivation and inspiration have left me... again...
When reading this, bear in mind that Tōsen is scared of dying.
Note: This is a slight AU - Tōsen still defected with Aizen, however he is meeting his end outside of the storyline.
As always (why do we even bother putting this in - everyone must know), I don't own the characters in this fic, just the storyline.
Forgive Me...
...
How did it come to this?
This warmth... my own blood… my own life seeping from my veins. I never realised before just now warm it felt. I feel like it should feel colder. Is that why I'm growing cold? My own warmth is leaving me?
I don't like this. I don't want this. I want it to stop. Please… someone… somehow… Let me hold this warmth in my veins just a little longer. I don't want to become nothing.
This is what I've always feared, isn't it – dying a pointless death. But it's not pointless. I lived by my own principles of justice. I was true to my cause, and I…
…this isn't working. This isn't what I wanted. This isn't how it should end. There's something more I need. I don't feel complete. I haven't done what I wanted to do… But I'm not even sure what that is any more. Why does everything I've lived for seem so pointless and insignificant now? I chose this life for a reason; I've walked this path to serve a purpose. I should be at peace. I should die in a dignified manner. But these thoughts… these thoughts I so badly don't want to face are too much. What would she say if she could see me now? Would she be proud? No, she wouldn't. That thought cuts too deep and… am I crying? This is so demeaning and undignified. This is not what I want.
I wonder what they would say if they could see me now. If she could see me… If Komamaru and Shūhei could see me…
Why does it matter? Why do I even care? I shouldn't care. They're probably here anyway, gloating and mocking and laughing at my pitiful demise. Yet why does that thought hurt so much?
I can't sense anything beyond the limits of my own skin. It's terrifying how small the world has become. I don't like it like this. It's too… lonely
I don't know who I am any more. I don't know what I am any more. How could I have ended up like this? When did I get so lost on my own path I forgot myself? And I'm still so scared… so scared of dying. I can feel my wounded pulse fading, the warmth still flowing from me. I'm about to become nothing. I'm about to come even more insignificant.
Will they miss me? Komamaru… Shūhei…
I've hurt them. I've hurt them more than I'm hurting myself. I never realised. I couldn't imagine. But now… now I'm sorry. I hate being sorry, but there's nothing else I can be. I'll never get the chance again. Regret is a horrible thing to be consumed by… to die with. I wasn't insignificant to them. Why did no one say anything to me? But then again, would I have believed them?
This is painful. This is too much. I don't think I can bear the burden of this fear and pain any longer. But I don't want it to be over. I don't want to be dead. There's nothing more insignificant in the world than being dead. And it hurts that I didn't realise that before, when I could reach out and hold onto something in life. But I pushed that away. I pushed myself away.
I'm still paralysed with fear. I can feel tears falling from my sightless eyes, and I wonder how much blood there is left to flow out of me.