Authors note: Alcoholism is a treatable disease, but the alcoholic has to want to get help.
Lucas sat back, trying to think. He'd just finished speaking with his
fathers aid. She said he was showing the signs of Left sided heart failure.
Lucas had just nodded then closed the connection. He really didn't know
how to feel. He sighed, then walked over to his lap top. He logged in,
then opened and decrypted his personal file. He looked at the screen, willing
his mind to relax. He popped his knuckles, then started to type.
I always swore I'd be happy when you were dying. I'd make a special trip just to sit with you and hold your clammy hand. I'd sit there, smiling while you attempted to breath, your smoke ravaged lungs doing their best, yet still you'd only be able to pull short shallow breaths. This will annoy you, making you upset, only furthering complicating your ablity breath. I thought I'd have to keep back a laugh. You are showing the first stages of the disease. All the years of smoking and drinking have finally started to take their toll. At first I was glad; you deserve it. You deserve it for every time you were drunk and angry; every time you physically and verbally beat me up. You thought it was great. I was your whipping boy. I was expected to take it, then accept your non apology of "I don't know what you're talking about" or even better- "I t had a little to drink, you must have gotten the way." You deserve what's happening to you. You hated me, what I represented. You let me know it every day, in every way. At first I thought I could change to make you like me. Please note I didn't say love. You let me know very early that you'd never love me. I finally came to the realization that no matter what I did, you'd always hate me. Guess what? I learned to hate you. I learned to never expect anything of you. I doubt that will ever change. I don't think there is anything you can do to ever change my thoughts of you. There are some positive aspects of this. I did learn some good things from you. I learned what I didn't want to become, how not to react to life. I have started to pity you. You won't realize how much of life you have missed. You may catch a glimpse of it before you die,
I hope you can. I know that I must let
go of my hate of you to be completely be free from you. I have already
shut you out. I have stopped caring about what you say and do. Your words
can
no longer hurt me. You can't hit me,
since I am at least 5000 miles away from you. I have started healing. I
have even stopped cringing away from people when they move too quickly
around
me. I know you will never read this,
but I don't care. I stopped needing you a long time ago. I have a family
that loves me, not for what I do, but for me. Please don't even have them
tell me
when you die; you died 10 yrs ago in
my mind.
Lucas sat back and read the words that had
poured out of his brain. He hadn't expected it to flow or even seem coherent.
He smiled slowly as he saved the addition to the file and encrypted it.
He was calmer now. It had always helped him to rationalize out his feelings.
He could bare his soul to the computer and never have it tell him he was
stupid. He did talk to Captain Bridger and Dr. Westphalen, but some stuff
was just to raw. He put most of his mean thoughts in the computer. So far
it hadn't screamed anything back(that he had heard at least.) He smiled
at the thought of his computer talking back. He logged out, then closed
the computer. He looked at his watch. The guys would be off duty in five
minutes, so he decided to see what they were up to. He walked out the door
a little more content with life.