Disclaimer – I don't own Law and Order: Special Victims Unit or any of the characters.
Author Note – I've decided to give into denial, join me? Scorched Earth never happened. Jenna and her mother weren't attacked and the rapist got sent to prison for life. This is a follow on from my other story Pursuing, though it didn't start out that way. The story switches between Elliot's and Olivia's perspective, each change is highlighted with a line divide. A review will be greatly appreciated.
Chance
"How can one change one's entire life and build a new one on one moment of love? And yet, that's what you make me want to close my eyes and do."
― Greta Garbo
Elliot sits opposite Cragen as the older man meticulously reads the papers in his hands. A deep frown resides on his face and Elliot sits back watching his eyes scanning every word, making sure everything was in order. Elliot had done the same thing before submitting them. The blinds are open and he can feel Olivia's worried gaze on the back of his head.
He knows she's curious. She's been watching him for days, probably since he first came to see Cragen a few weeks ago. Elliot had shared his intentions with the Captain, asked for his help, for his blessing.
Cragen had huffed out a sigh, stuffed his hands in his pockets. Staring at Elliot, searching, and figuring out. "Are you sure this is what you want to do?"
"Yes," Elliot answered confidently.
It plagued him for months before he finally decided to go through with it. A slow realisation dawning on him as the year passed. It had been a death that gave him the final push to do it.
And a hug. Elliot had held her in his arms three times and he couldn't fathom not doing it again. He had to drag himself away from Olivia last time, almost told her what he had been planning when they stood wrapped around one another in her kitchen, as he breathed in her shampoo, his lips nuzzling her skin. It hadn't been time to tell her, not when she was still upset about Sonya. He had to walk away.
Cragen closed the file and clasped his hands together on top of it, protectively, concealing it and its' content. He stared impassively at Elliot, who didn't react to it. He was certain of his decision and though Cragen hadn't said so out loud, Elliot knew he supported the decision especially with how swiftly he'd dealt with the request. The strings he pulled for Elliot.
"I'm going to ask you once more," Cragen said slowly. "Are you sure about this?"
Elliot nodded his response sure and unwavering. "I've thought about this for a long time."
Cragen's lip twitched but he didn't smile. Mixed in with the beginnings of a smirk in Cragen's eyes, Elliot saw pride too.
"I know," the captain told him with a bob of his head.
His eyes shift to look over Elliot's shoulder, and Elliot knows he's just locked gazes with Olivia. He doesn't need to turn his head to know she's just ducked her head to keep up the pretence of doing paperwork. As it was Elliot knew she hadn't believed him when he told her was handing in his paperwork on time.
Cragen's eyes flick back to his, a crease of concentration set on his forehead. "When are you going to tell Olivia?"
Elliot shifts in his chair, moving to cover the window, unconsciously putting himself between Cragen and Olivia. This was his decision and though she was one of the reasons, this was all on him. She knew he was planning something, but he hadn't involved her in this decision. She would have talked him out of it. Self-preservation would have forced her too. Her concern grew daily and he hoped that wouldn't count against him when he revealed his deception.
"I'm going to talk to her tonight," he replies coughing lightly to cover his apprehension.
Cragen juts his chin upwards in contemplation, his lip quirks then straightens again instantly. The pride is clearer on his face. The crease in his brow disappears as he nods. "Good luck with that."
Elliot sighs at the levity in his voice, but he knows Cragen isn't joking. He knows exactly what's at stake here, understands the risk Elliot's taking and he's worried about them all. The ramifications could rip them all apart. He chooses not to respond to the older man, his own doubt playing on his mind. No matter how much Elliot thought about it there was still that nagging assumption that he could be entirely wrong about this and there's a chance he's about to ruin his relationship with his partner.
He's already taken one risk…
"Captain," Elliot begins but it's met with a small wave of Cragen's hand, cutting him off. The older man doesn't need to hear the gratitude Elliot was about to bestow on him. Neither of them are the kind of man who needs to hear platitudes of thanks or musings of their time working together. Elliot couldn't even shake his hand because that would terrify Olivia as she watched.
"You've got plans tonight, I don't see the point sitting there all night Detective," Cragen told him.
Elliot nodded as he stood, silently accepting his dismissal. There was nothing else to say until Elliot figured out the next part. He casually walked out of the office, hiding his smile when Olivia's head stayed bowed over the folder on her desk. Her pen tapped in quick succession on the wooden table top. She was nervous and refusing to look at Elliot.
Elliot cleared his throat loudly and groaned as he walked past her to his side of their conjoined desk. His trained his gaze on her face, waiting for her reaction. She glanced up at him from under hooded eyes and he felt guilty for keeping her in the dark over his plans. But she would have talked him out of it if she had known. It would have scared her more than not knowing.
He looks at her warmly and in response she flashes him a smile which doesn't reach her eyes. She's troubled by his obvious deception, wondering when he's going to let her in on the secret which she thinks will rip them apart.
He hopes it doesn't.
He hopes she'll forgive him for his indiscretion.
Elliot rests his hands on the back of his chair, on top of his coat, not making a move to sit in it as he returns her scrutiny. He clears his throat again, much softer this time as he leans slightly forward to match her hunched over body language. Conspiratorially, invitingly.
"You got plans tonight?" Elliot asks and her brow kinks in response, her shock evident. He steadfastly ignores the stares he feels coming from Munch and Fin. He knows they're watching him, they're too quiet not to be.
Olivia shakes her head. "No," she says with a frown.
He curls his hands over the lapels of the coat and takes it off of the chair to slip his arms through the sleeves. He feels the padded envelope through the lining of his inside pocket and pats in subconsciously. "You got time to make a stop with me before I take you home?" Elliot asks as he stands before her expectantly. Waiting.
Olivia pauses, uncertain. She knows he's going to tell her what he's been hiding from her. And she's not sure if she wants to know. He sees the moment when her curiosity wins out and she silently rises from her chair and wraps her own coat around her body. Without saying anything else Elliot leads the way out of the squad room.
Olivia follows and catches up with him at the elevator. They don't speak in the elevator, stepping out together and walking to the car. Elliot unlocks the car and they slide in simultaneously.
…
Olivia holds her tongue as Elliot starts the car and pulls out into traffic. He concentrates on the traffic and doesn't cast a look in her direction. He's been hiding from her and she's wanted to ask him what's wrong for weeks, almost cornering him about it several times.
She fought the trepidation as she wordlessly followed him, wondering if his secret was something she didn't want to fathom. He wasn't just sneaking about, it was his attitude that was bothering Olivia. He was calmer, almost peaceful unless they had a case. The warm looks which portrayed more affection than they should were more frequent and Olivia's stomach churned uncomfortably in response, scared at the implications.
Olivia watches him during the ten minute journey which takes thirty. She rolls her eyes when he yells at a cab for cutting him off. She jolts forward in her seat when he has to break hard and holds back her snicker when he lets out a frustrated sigh as they wait at a red light. She holds in her curiosity when he double checks his watch twice as they wait for it to turn green.
Eventually they pull up outside an office and Elliot holds out a hand to stop her as she goes to unbuckle her seat belt.
"I'll be quick," he says without explanation, ignoring her frown.
Elliot jumps from the car and goes inside. Olivia is captivated as she watches him talk to a woman through the window. The woman plasters on a fake smile and nods along with Elliot's explanation. She goes to a filing cabinet and pulls out a folder to remove some paper work from it and hands it to Elliot. He reads it quickly before bending forward to lean on the desk as he signs it. A bigger insincere smile grows on the woman's face and she accepts the papers back and separates them to hand a copy back to Elliot. He tucks it in to the inside pocket of his coat and holds his hand out as the woman drops a set of keys into his outstretched palm. They exchange a few more words before Elliot leaves the office and she locks the door behind him.
He doesn't say anything as he slips back into the car and restarts the engine. The next part of their journey is much quicker and soon he's pulling in to a street fifteen blocks from her apartment. Her curiosity peaks when he parks the car and takes the key out of the ignition. Elliot sits there and stares out of the windshield at the building across the road.
Olivia stares at the building and is suddenly overcome with the urge to be somewhere far away, anywhere other than here. There's a small voice in the back of her head which somehow knows what he's going to tell her.
And she doesn't want to know.
But she needs to know.
Elliot looks at her and he looks as scared as she feels. His chest expands and contracts as he breathes deeply. He is gathering courage to do this. This is what he's planned and he needs something to push him to go through with it. Curiosity wins out against the fear and she hopes her faith in him is worth the dread growing in her heart.
He's scared too, she realises.
Olivia moves her arm and unclasps her seat belt.
The sound of the click spurs him into action and he copies her action. They exit the car together and he meets her in the middle of the road and they cross to the building which they had just observed. Elliot edges ahead as they reach the sidewalk and he jogs up the stairs to the front door. He pulls the newly acquired set of keys from his pocket and fumbles to find the right one for the lock.
Elliot silently leads her through the building and up to the third floor. Neither of them hesitates but Olivia's trepidation multiplies with each passing floor. Her heart pounds in her chest. Elliot stops in front of a door and they share a long look as he pushes the key into the lock. He pushes it open and gestures for her to go ahead of him. She stands still, looking at his stoic face. She sees through the mask. He's afraid, worried about whatever is on the other side of the threshold, worried about what he's about to reveal. He wants her to take the lead, to let him know it's okay to tell her.
Olivia takes a step through the doorway. The apartment is dark and behind her Elliot flips the switch for the lights. Her eyes adjust to see an empty open plan living space, like hers but slightly bigger. Instead of one bedroom coming off the living room, there is two and a third door which she presumes leads to the bathroom.
She stops in the middle of the room trying to comprehend what he's telling her, tries to pretend it's a dream and she'll wake up in her bed any second now and she'll be left with the usual disappointment which accompanies these fantasies. But she knows she won't. His footsteps are too loud as he follows her and stops where the living room meets the kitchen. She can feel his eyes on her, waiting for her to react to what he's showing her.
The deafening silence continues and she knows he's wondering if he's made a mistake by doing whatever the hell he has done.
Olivia slowly turns to face him. Their eyes meet.
Elliot's head bobs and he clears his throat. "I move in tomorrow," he says.
Olivia's jaw drops and she fights the urge to avert her eyes. She wants to leave because it's all too much. She marvels all of the implications, everything he tells her with those four words. She has no idea where he mustered the strength to do this but she draws on that strength to stay where she is. Then she feels the guilt, knows what he's given up.
Suddenly her anger springs to the surface.
This is what he's been hiding, for weeks, and that was easy for him.
Telling her was the hard part.
…..
Elliot gives up on waiting for her to reply and reaches into the inside pocket in his jacket. He pulls out a folded set of papers and holds them out to her, mutely waiting for her to take them. She's shaking ever so slightly and he knows she doesn't realise.
This is what it all hinges on.
Even if she walks out and never speaks to him again, he wouldn't undo what he's done.
It took him a long time to realise that it needed to happen no matter what happened after. It was relief to sign the papers, and he knew he wasn't the only one who felt that way. He steels himself for her reaction and is fully prepared to chase her if she runs. She needs to know everything before she walks away.
Olivia looks determined and angry as she lifts a quivering arm expectantly, telling him to close the distance and place them into her hand. He steps forward, knowing she's realised what he's trying to tell her and she's furious. Elliot doesn't back down though, he can't. He wants to see this through.
He's fascinated as she unfolds the document and her eyes shift as she skim reads the page, finally pausing on the signatures at the bottom.
Finally she lifts her head and the words catch in her throat. He is exactly where he was when she started reading but he feels closer. His face softens but he doesn't step back. He's blocking her exit and she knows how quick he will move to stop her from leaving.
"I'm sorry about you and Kathy," Olivia tells him as she refolds the papers calmly but not without frustration, and presses them into his hand.
"It was a mutual decision," Elliot replies with a quiet cough. Olivia searches his faces to see if he's lying. He feels guilty about the divorce, for being the one who filled the papers to end his marriage. It had been his idea but Kathy didn't fight him on it, she hadn't been surprised when he asked her for the separation. Relieved more than anything. They had tried but for all the effort they put in, almost forcing it, neither of them had been happy in their marriage for a long time. They still loved each other and always would, but it wasn't the same.
Olivia nods but doesn't say anything. Apart from shock he can see the anger simmering there. She's already using it to mentally and emotionally distance herself. There's accusation, too. She wants to know why he kept her out of the loop. Deep down she knows but she needs to hear it from him.
"You were miserable last time," Olivia states vehemently.
"Because I was trying to figure out what I wanted," he replies. He doesn't need to add that he only went home because of Eli. He finally realised he and Kathy were finished and he didn't want to go home until he had to out of obligation to Kathy and his unborn child. "We tried to make it work but," Elliot shakes his head. "It didn't. We trying to tell the kids to be happy and we can't do that when we're not completely happy."
"You could have told me," Olivia says her anger mellowed by his soft tone.
Elliot shook his head. "You would have talked me out of it."
"Not if you don't want me to," she insists weakly.
"You're trying to tell me that you wouldn't have tried telling me to make it work?" He questions and Olivia doesn't answer. She would have. "This needed to happen Liv," Elliot adds gently and takes half a step towards her.
…
She stiffens as he steps closer and he stops. She doesn't how he's so calm about this, so accepting. But then he's had months to get used to the idea.
"Then why tell me now?" She asks, her anger rising to the surface.
"Because you need to know," Elliot replies calmly.
Her eyes narrow because he's too calm. Elliot has been lying to her for weeks and somehow she knows it's not just his divorce, there's something else. As if reading her thoughts Elliot reaches into his jacket again and takes out another set of papers, once again handing them over to her.
Olivia cautiously accepts them and opens them with bated breath. The words of this document hurt her more than the first and she can't hold back the ire which flares as she reaches the bottom of the page.
"You son of a bitch," she seethes as she thrust them back to him and takes the opportunity to get a head start as he fumbles with the papers. He lets them drop because they're not as important as explaining to her. She's curious to know what he has to say but she needs to calm down first.
Elliot follows quickly and with his longer stride he's able to overcome the head start she had. She's pulling open the front door when his arm comes over her shoulder and slams it shut. Everything abruptly stops and Elliot's arm relaxes but stays there, preventing her from leaving, when she releases the door knob. His chest is just touching her back and his breath is brushing her ear. Her head twists slightly as she raises it defiantly.
"You're leaving," she accuses. Somehow this is worse than concealing his divorce.
"I'm leaving Special Victims, not you," Elliot insists into her ear. "Hear me out Liv," he implores.
He's begging and she realises this is why he's waited so long to tell her. He knew this was how she would react. He's blindsided her. Ever theory she has come up with about his secrecy were pale in comparison to this. She thought he was ill, maybe one of the kids or Kathy.
Elliot's other arm grasps her and spins her to face him. The motion brings her closer to him and they're chest to chest. She's pinned between him and the door and his arm is still over her shoulder. She swears she can almost feel his heartbeat against her as he leans into her. He's a physically imposing man but Elliot isn't trying to intimidate her and she feels nervous rather than scared.
"Where?" Olivia asks.
His eyes narrow as if he's forgotten what they were talking about. His brain catches up and face slackens. "Homicide," he says thickly and before she can ask when he adds, "Monday."
Her knee almost buckles, though she somehow manages to keep standing. Today had been his last day at Special Victims. "Let me go Elliot," she stresses. He's too close and she feels suffocated.
"Not until you hear me out," he replies even though he lowers his arm from over her shoulder, sensing her reaction to his proximity. "I'm leaving the Unit Liv," Elliot reiterates.
As much as she wants to go she won't back down. It's not just pride that's holding her in place it's a compulsion to know Elliot's reasons no matter how difficult they may be to hear. "Why?" She asks.
…..
"Because I needed another option," Elliot replies cautiously. "We needed another option," he insists quietly. He needs to find a way to get her to stay and on her own terms.
Olivia's eyes flash and once again he hates having to box her in, trap her, but she would be long gone if she wasn't. "You're presuming a lot Elliot," she tells him with a defiant jut of her chin.
The action makes him sneak a glance at her lips and from her sharp intake of breath in indignation; he knows she's caught him. Elliot drags his eyes up to hers and shakes his head. "No, I'm not," he said.
Her ire is weaning and he misses it. There is an uncontrollable part of him which wants to stir and provoke it because he knows how beautiful she looks when angry and then there's another part which is telling him to shut the hell up because if he pisses her off enough she's going to walk out of the apartment and his life for good. But…
"Or maybe I wanted to be the one who left this time," Elliot quips as he steps away from her. He smirks teasingly, and it's not out of amusement. He expects her to whirl around and hear the door slam as she rushes through it. She doesn't.
"You're bringing that up now?" Olivia replies this time advancing on him as he steps back towards the living room.
From the tone of her voice Elliot should be worried. He can't be, not when his tactic worked. She's following him back into the living room. She's staying. Despite the dangerous ground he's treading on he can't help prodding a little more. "So it's not going to get complicated again?"
"You bastard." She's seething now, but still follows him to the living room, their earlier positions reversed. Her anger is fixated on him but Elliot's still scared she'll run and he's not between her and the door. "You don't get to bring me here and spring this on me," her voice rising with her anger.
"How else was I supposed to tell you Liv?" Elliot retorts, his own frustration evident. "You would have run before I filed the papers."
"Don't make this about me," she warns.
"This is about you," Elliot replies.
"No, this is about you Elliot," Olivia insists with a scoff. "You didn't trust me enough to tell me three life changing decisions you've suddenly made."
"I'm not the only one who holds back," he points out. "And I've been thinking about this for a while."
…
"Long enough for you to file for divorce." She knows it's a low shot but she can't help it. Elliot straightens in response and she regrets saying it. "It's your marriage, so don't tell me you ended it because of me."
Elliot tenses and she instinctively takes a step back. "You know what? Go," he tells her with a nod towards the door. He's much calmer than she expects with the look he's pinning her with. The one he uses on perps. "I'm trying to talk to you and you're doing everything you can to push me away. I'm going to Homicide on Monday and I wanted to explain this to you, sort this out with you before that happens. Don't tell me I didn't try when you're the one who didn't listen."
It's a silent battle between them, a challenge. Give in or give up. Leave or stay.
She stays.
"I don't want another partner," Olivia whispers. That's her apology and he stares at her blankly.
"Neither do I," he sighs in defeat, his cerulean blues softening in sympathy, sadly. "I'll never be comfortable with someone else watching your back."
"Then why are you leaving?" Olivia hates the whine in her voice.
"Because there are other things I want to put first for a change," Elliot explains. "Other people."
She looks at him guardedly, not giving anything away. He's not just implying now, he's saying it out right. He's putting a lot of faith into her, sacrificed a lot for her. She's scared it's too much. She doesn't want the responsibility of someone else's happiness placed solely on her shoulders.
"What about the unit? The victims?"
"They need you Liv," he says gently. "Not me."
"I need you," she replies with a strained whisper.
It's the truth and Olivia hates to admit it. She's never needed anyone but she doesn't want to think about doing this job without him. At some point in the last thirteen years Elliot has inserted himself into her life, crossed boundaries she's never let anyone else cross and she's let him get away with it. At first she fought him on it, yelled at him about it. But she was secretly touched he cared enough, was stubborn enough, to be protective of her when she was more than capable of protecting herself. It felt nice and in the last few years she's let him do it without questioning; only grumbling weakly out of necessity rather than wanting to. She allows him comfort her when no one else has ever done that and he does it in a way which doesn't always placate her but lets her know she isn't alone in her thoughts or feelings.
"I'm not leaving you," Elliot repeats softly but it still manages to bring her back from her thoughts.
"It feels like you are," Olivia says trying to stop her voice from cracking.
…
Elliot isn't unaffected and swallows thickly. He steps closer to her, his voice lowering, deepening, and almost growls as he speaks. "I'm not," he promises. "I just can't go on like this, can't fight this anymore." His hands reach out and grasp her waist when she looks away from him and her eyes blink to avert the tears building there.
"You're expecting too much," she tells him.
"I'm not expecting anything Liv. I'm telling you because I have to, not because I expect anything to happen." Elliot pauses when she turns to face him; he sees the doubt, the caution, the warning. "You were right, this isn't just about you. It's about me too."
"Say that again," she orders gently.
"It's about me too," he repeats.
"No, the bit about me being right," Olivia corrects him with a sad flash of a smile.
Elliot smirks indulgently but the joke is clouded with agony. She's trying to cover her fear. He understands how daunting this is to her and she needs time to come to her own conclusions, her own decision.
He looks down between them briefly. He's still holding her waist and he's astonished by the fact she isn't moving away from him. Then again their physical boundaries have been receding just like their emotional ones. When Elliot raises his head again he finds her looking at him from under hooded eyes, pondering, fearfully.
Elliot remembers the last time he held her, remembered how she relaxed into his arms, and didn't pull away when he kissed her neck. He had to walk away because it hadn't been time. He doesn't have to walk away now. Neither of them does.
He maintains eye contact as he ducks his head a fraction. He pauses, waits for Olivia to react, pull back, and walk away. She doesn't. He moves slowly, making his intention clear. His nose brushes hers and he pauses again. Their breath mingles for a moment before Olivia lifts her chin slightly and it's all that Elliot needs to close the distance.
Elliot presses his lips to Olivia's softly, languidly, allowing her to get used to touch. He tries to memorise everything. The feel of her as she relaxes, the softness of her lips, the sharp intake of breath as she takes the lead before she presses her lips harder to hers.
….
Olivia slides her hand over his jacket, his chest hard beneath the fabric. Her hand caresses his neck, stroking him lightly as she gives in to the feel of him. He grips her waist tighter, pulling her to him as he nudges her lips again. He sucks her lower lip between his and she sighs into him, surrendering to his kiss. All the harsh words and feelings of frustration from moments ago ebb away as they get lost in each other.
She willingly opens her mouth under his when he coaxes her to. Olivia smiles into him when he lets out a little growl. His hands are warm through her jacket as they begin to roam. His actions are as urgent as she feels as the kiss deepens. Their tongues duel and clash. They both gasp at the same time but they continue to revel in the feel of each other.
The hand holding his neck dips lower, under the slightly open collar of his work shirt. Elliot tenses and he jerks away. Olivia pauses out of shock at the abrupt halt to the kiss, the loss of his touch, wondering if she had done something wrong.
Immediately sensing her concern, Elliot shakes his head. "I'm sorry," he breathes out heavily. "I don't want to rush you-"
"It's okay Elliot," she assures him by laying a hand on his forearm.
"I don't expect more Liv," he promises. "But I needed to know, I needed you to know. That couldn't happen if we continued to work together, we would have been split up."
"I'm glad you finally told me, no matter how long it took you tell me," she tells him with a pointed glance around the living room. She lets herself enjoy the moment, ignoring the tiny voice in the back of her head warning her that there are still obstacles that need to be overcome. She has a lot of questions but they can wait until she's calmer and he's willing to give her the answers she needs. Olivia realises what he's done for her, putting her, them, first. Elliot has given them a chance and she hopes its' worth what he's given up. Olivia gives a slight shake of her head to get rid of those thoughts.
Elliot looks at her again, oblivious to her musings; a tiny smirk ignites on his face. "And I don't want our first time to be on a floor of an apartment which I haven't moved into yet."
Her mouth drops and a surprised laugh escapes at his brazen comment. While he's never been known for his tact, he's never been this forward. This is new for them. Elliot steps into her again, and dips his head to kiss her quickly. A slow lazy smile grows on her face as he pulls away, allowing herself to be drawn into his teasing.
"I'm not helping you move," she tells him.
His eye brow quirks in amusement. "What about helping me unpack?"