SNOW WHITE 2001
Characters
Snow Blonde -
a ditzy bleached-blonde teenager under the oppression of her egotistical step-mother, the QueenThe Queen -
the egotistical step-mother of Snow Blonde who is obsessed with being the sexiest one of all; very evil, is power-hungry and will let nothing stand in her wayMirror -
a smart-aleck who back-talks but is also forced to obey the Queen, very childish in some waysRappa -
(aka Grumpy) one of the seven dwarves, who is very touchy and enjoys rapping, but is cool as wellPsychoanalyst -
(aka Doc) one of the seven dwarves who is very fatherly and concerned as well as condescending at times; enjoys helping everyone with their problems and likes using big wordsGoth -
(aka Sleepy) one of the seven dwarves who is very "out there," talks spacey, doesn't seem to care, is often very quietKleptomaniac -
(aka Bashful) one of the seven dwarves who steals random items of little value throughout the play, talks to Druggy a lot, teases PresidentPresident -
(aka Sneezy) one of the seven dwarves who is odd and politically correct, talks perfect English, and is well known for his tremendous sneezesDopey -
(aka Dopey) one of the seven dwarves who is similar to Disney's Dopey; dumb, can't talk, acts things out, makes stupid mistakes and has many problemsDruggy -
(aka Happy) one of the seven dwarves who is also very spacey (because of drugs) and out there, likes to imitate Rappa, tries to fit in but does not succeedBubba -
takes the place of the hunter; is cold at first, but warms up to Snow Blonde because he is easily seduced by beautyMr. Squirrel -
very cool and has the lowdown on everything that happens in "his" forest, and is buddy-buddy with SirMr. D. -
the deer that is one of Mr. Squirrel's croniesBig O. -
the owl that is one of Mr. Squirrel's croniesSir -
the fake bird that is Mr. Squirrel's buddy, can only "tweet"G.I. Joe
- a reincarnation of G.I. Joe that is Snow Blonde's "prince;" is often cool and laidback, but is excited by lipstick and anything that has to do with attractive womenSpecters-
ghosts that scare Snow Blonde in the forestDirector-
off-stage presence who talks to the dwarvesSound-Effects Guy-
off-stage presence who responds to the dwarves onceAct 1, Scene 1
(Spotlight on Snow Blonde, stage right front. She's cleaning the floor, shaking butt at audience.)
SNOW BLONDE
Oh My Gawd! Queenie… look at her butt! It is sooo big! I mean, she looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends. But, who understands those rap guys anyways. I mean, look at her butt! It's just so… big, and so… round. I mean, it's just so out there! Ewww… she's just so… blah!
(Cut to mirror and Queen. Spotlight Queen, left front.)
QUEEN
(Primps hair, fixes makeup, pushes up breasts, pulls down dress for cleavage. Speaks directly to mirror.)
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the sexiest one of all?
(Mirror does not answer, long pause.
)QUEEN
(coughs impatiently)
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the sexiest one of all?
MIRROR
Certainly not you.
QUEEN
(Slaps the mirror and primps her hair again.)
One more time. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the sexiest one of all?
MIRROR
Are you deaf, lady? I said you ain't sexy at all!
QUEEN
(Slaps mirror again, harder this time. Mirror squeals.)
Answer me correctly and you can have your cookie.
MIRROR
Oooo, cookie!
QUEEN
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the sexiest one of all?
MIRROR
(Seems as if he's thinking.)
Forget the cookie! I'm gonna tell you this, brat: your step-daughter's the sexiest one of all, and that's that. Heck, if I wasn't a mirror, she'd be mine by now!
QUEEN
My step-daughter?! Snow Blonde, that little ditz?! How could she be sexier than me?
MIRROR
(Hides his laughing with a cough.)
It's okay, Queenie, I feel your pain.
QUEEN
Hushup, you!
(Queen starts to pace across the left half of the stage.)
So, you say Snow Blonde's sexier than me, huh?
MIRROR
(Very seriously)
The mirror does not lie.
QUEEN
I see. Well then, nobody can be sexier than yours truly. Tell the huntsman, what's-his-name… Bubba!… to come to my chambers. I have a mission for him.
(Queen exits to left.)
MIRROR
Whatever.
(Mirror hides in the corner and goes dormant.)
Act 1, Scene 2
(Spotlight on Snow Blonde. She is seen skipping about, picking imaginary flowers and sticking them in her basket. A high-pitched song pours from her throat, made up of totally random words.)
BUBBA
(Enters from right, unseen by Snow Blonde. He is dressed in army camouflage and holds a rifle.)
SNOW BLONDE
(Trills random "la" notes, very high.)
La, la, laaa-aaaaaaah!
(Turns to see the huntsman and shrieks.)
BUBBA
Owww!
(Holds his ears, letting his rifle fall to the ground.)
SNOW BLONDE
Is that you, Bubba?
BUBBA
(Picks up rifle.)
Uh, yah. So, little chick, whatcha doin' out here on this fine day?
SNOW BLONDE
(Oblivious to the situation.)
Merely picking flowers, good sir. What are you up to?
BUBBA
(Starts to babble, as if psychopathic.)
Snow Blonde, Queen gave me orders to kill ya an' bring back yore hair. I can't do that! I just can't! Yore hair is too…
(Stammers, before falling silent.)
SNOW BLONDE
It is pretty, isn't it?
(Yawns.)
BUBBA
Snow Blonde, please, leave here. I don't want the Queen to get her victim.
SNOW BLONDE
(Totally out there.)
Her victim?
BUBBA
Didn't ya hear me?! The Queen wants ya dead, an' yore hair on her head!
SNOW BLONDE
(Lip trembles.)
What did I ever do to her?
BUBBA
I have no idea. Go, already! Git outta here!
SNOW BLONDE
But I never did anything wrong… someone hates me! I feel so bad!
(Snow Blonde starts to sob, but is shaken by Bubba.)
BUBBA
Aw, stop yore blubberin'! Git out o' here, before I carry out the Queen's orders an' stop yore whining myself.
SNOW BLONDE
(Snaps out of it.)
Eeek, please don't! I'll leave, I swear!
BUBBA
Goodbye, Snow Blonde.
(Bubba exits right.)
SNOW BLONDE
(Collapses center front, spotlight on her, darken background.)
Whatever will I do, poor little me… I'm all alone in this dreadful forest, and the Queen…
(Sniffles)
hates me… waaah!
(Starts to cry again. A sepulchral hoot makes her come alert.)
What… what was that?
RANDOM DUO OF VOICES
(From offstage, very spooky, sepulchral.)
We're hungry, Snow Blonde… we crave blood… come to us, and we will show you eternal sleep…
SNOW BLONDE
(Jumps up, frightened.)
No, please don't! I never did anything wrong, I swear! Just leave me alone!
(Snow Blonde begins to race to the left, but is scared off by a person dressed in rags. She rushes to the right, but is scared by a similar specter. Snow Blonde races to the center, and the left specter comes out, chasing her towards the other one. They whirl around her in circles, until she collapses, crying.)
Act 1, Scene 3
(Queen enters, stage left. She is holding a wig in her hand and approaches the front of the stage, waiting for the mirror to come out of hiding.)
QUEEN
Dearest mirror, there is no reason to hide. I simply need to see a lovely lady's reflection.
MIRROR
(Coughs)
Whatever you say, miss.
(Comes out of hiding and slumps before the Queen.)
QUEEN
(Admires herself in front of the mirror, wearing an imitation of Snow Blonde's hair.)
Ah, I'm the vision of loveliness!
MIRROR
(Chuckles and continues with a sarcastic tone.)
Yes, you are, Milady.
(Fade spotlight out on Queen admiring herself in the fake wig. Spotlight on Snow Blonde, who gathers herself and stands up, taking a deep breath.)
SNOW BLONDE
I think I can, I think I can… oh, look! What a cute little squirrel!
(Small person dressed as a squirrel enters. Two people, one a deer with a fake bird on its back, and another dressed as an owl, toddle onstage, from the right.)
SNOW BLONDE
Look at all the adorable creatures!
(Rushes up and hugs the squirrel.)
MR. SQUIRREL
(Squeaks and pushes Snow Blonde away.)
No need to get cuddly. Why don't you tell Mr. Squirrel your name, pretty lady.
SNOW BLONDE
My name?
(Blinks)
Oh yeah! My name's Snow Blonde.
MR. SQUIRREL
Pleased to meetcha. The name's Mr. Squirrel. This here be Mr. D.
(motions at deer),
Big O.
(motions at owl),
and the li'l birdy is my main man,
(motions at fake bird)
Sir.
SIR
(Tweets)
SNOW BLONDE
Great to meet you all… but, I'm lost and need help.
BIG O.
The li'l lady's lost? We'll find ya a cozy berth.
SNOW BLONDE
What?
MR. SQUIRREL
Never mind him. There's a hut back in the woods, near a babbling brook.
SNOW BLONDE
What's the brook saying?
SIR
(Tweets)
MR. SQUIRREL
I see. Um, moving on…
SNOW BLONDE
Oh?… Anyways, can you take me there?
MR. SQUIRREL
(Ponders)
Lemme consult my cohorts. We're not too keen on strangers.
SNOW BLONDE
(Looks puzzled, but stays quiet.)
(Mr. Squirrel and Co. consult, with random tweeting from Sir.)
MR. SQUIRREL
(Turns to Snow Blonde.)
Okay kid, we'll take ya there.
SNOW BLONDE
(Squeaky, high, ditzy.)
Okay!
(They start to skip around the stage, with Snow Blonde trilling terribly off-key. They eventually stop in left center. Mr. Squirrel and Co. exit.)
SNOW BLONDE
Where did they all go?
(Snow Blonde looks around, looking puzzled. She then realizes that she is at the hut and jumps back in surprise.)
Awww, it's sooo cute!
(Snow Blonde races inside, looking around at the mess of clothes, food, plates, and dust.)
My my… dirty.
(Snow Blonde pokes about for food, and finds none. She yawns, and goes upstairs to take a nap. Lays down, falls asleep.)
Act 1, Scene 4
(Spotlight fades from her, and comes to settle on the dwarves, who are bustling about, stage right. They are "pretending" to count money, cue coin jingling. Rappa and Psycho are upstairs, Klepto and Prez on the stairs, Druggy and Goth hanging about the bottom, and Dopey is running around, tripping over his clothes now and then. Rappa and Psycho are arguing over something, holding several coins in their hands.)
DIRECTOR
(From off stage.)
These are the dwarves of the forest, working at their newest job, accounting! Everyday they switch jobs, mostly because they're fired… haha!
ALL DWARVES
Shut up!
(Klepto and Prez then start to laugh.)
DRUGGY
Whatcha laughin' at?
PREZ
Nothing at all.
KLEPTO
(Holds up a keychain.)
Bit slow today, eh?
DRUGGY
Hey! Gimme that back!
(Starts to chase after Klepto.)
(Klepto is chased up the stairs by Druggy, and nearly knock Prez off in the process. They disturb Rappa and Psycho, and go back down the stairs, and Klepto trips over Dopey, who has just tripped. Druggy grabs the keychain and smirks triumphantly.)
DRUGGY
Feel my power!
(Psychotic laugh.)
KLEPTO
(Waves about another keychain.)
Whaddabout this one?
DRUGGY
You little…
PREZ
(Jumps down.)
Do hold up a second. I believe there is no reason that this should be solved with violence. Words can solve a prob… prob… pro…
(Looong sneeze.)
EVERYONE
Aaaah!
(All fall down.)
PSYCHO
(Manages to get up.)
Yeesh, Prez, you're getting worse with every day. Have a handkerchief.
(Tosses Prez a hanky.)
PREZ
(Catches it.)
Thank you, kind sir.
RAPPA
Bah, get over your sneezin' fits, man. They bother me.
PREZ
They do…?
(Lip trembles.)
RAPPA
Get the lowdown, boyo. Stop sneezin.
PREZ
Waaaaah!
PSYCHO
(Pats Prez on the back.)
It's okay. Perhaps there are some things at home I can fix you up with.
PREZ
(Sniffles.)
Okay…
GOTH
Speaking of home… it's time to go home!
DRUGGY
No more counting coins! Yaaay!
KLRPTO
Why do we count coins anyway?
GOTH
(Shrugs.)
It's what the playwright told us to do.
RAPPA
Why do we have to do what she says?
DIRECTOR
Because I told you to!
EVERYONE
Eeep!
GOTH
(Mutters.)
Whatever.
KLEPTO
C'mon, gang. It's off to home we go!
EVERYONE ELSE
Whoohoo!
(All of them proceed to gather up their things and put them away. Afterwards, they scramble to form a line, with Psycho leading the way. He starts to march, and Goth and Druggy provide music sound effects while Rappa starts up a song.)
RAPPA
(Rapping.)
High-ho, high-ho, it's off to home we go, yo! We worked all day an' now we're done, high-ho high-ho high-ho high-ho! High-ho, high-ho, darned confounded song! It gets on my nerves as we sing, high-ho, high-ho high-ho high-ho!
(Rappa, Goth, and Druggy jump out of line and start to dance about like psychos. Rappa is actually good, Goth is semi-good, and Druggy is like a monkey compared to them. Dopey attempts to join in too, but trips and knocks them all over. Rappa gets up and chases Dopey around the stage, and everyone hurries after them. After running around the stage twice, Dopey stops. Everyone bumps into him, and they all fall down.)
GOTH
(Rubbing his head.)
Ow… what was that for?
DOPEY
(Points at house.)
PSYCHO
There's lights on!
KLEPTO
Someone is in our house!
RAPPA
Whoever it is, I'll deal with them!
DRUGGY
Me too!
PREZ
Count me as the third.
(Dwarves enter their house, suspicious that someone has been there.)
RAPPA
Someone's definitely been in dis house, yo.
GOTH
No… kidding…
PREZ
Whoever it is, we shall find them and… and…
(Big sneeze, everyone falters.)
DRUGGY
Now that's the stuff, man! Keep it coming!
KLEPTO
That butthead, he sat on my seat! Look, look! My lil kadoodles was sat on!
PSYCHO
It's okay, Klepto. If you'll just take a seat on your "lil kadoodles," we'll sort your problem out just fine.
KLEPTO
(Sob)
But… my kadoodles…
RAPPA
Git over it, man, snap outta it! We've got ourselves a burglar to catch.
DOPEY
(Rushes in and motions upstairs. They all look at him, and stampede up the stairs, Klepto and Psycho included.)
GOTH
Look…
(They all look at Snow Blonde, sleeping on their beds.)
KLEPTO
It's the person that sat on my lil kadoodles!
PSYCHO
Shhh, you'll wake her up. What should we do, Prez?
PREZ
I declare that we decide what to do with her based on a highly democratic vote. Who votes ye… yeee… yeee
(Achoo!)
SNOW BLONDE
(Mumbles in sleep and turns over to face them, and begins to snore loudly.)
DOPEY
(Shakes her, trying to wake her up.)
SNOW BLONDE
(Yawns and wakes up, rubbing her eyes and looking at them all.)
Eek! Little men!
GOTH
What's she talking about…?
SNOW BLONDE
It's those little voices in my head again! No, get out, get out!
PSYCHO
I see… you have severe head trauma. There are no little voices, and no little men. We are simply the occupants of this house.
RAPPA
We're dwarves, lady.
SNOW BLONDE
Oh…? What's a dwarf?
(Everyone stares at her blankly.)
PSYCHO
We're under grown men that have not gone through puberty yet, and never will.
SNOW BLONDE
What's pu-
RAPPA
Nevermind. Whit the heck you doin' in our house, lady?
SNOW BLONDE
(Ditzy spazzing.)
But I never knew this was yours! I'm just a li'l girl running from a mean old lady! Please don't hurt me!
RAPPA
I'll show ya mean old lady…
PSYCHO
Do hold up a second. I do believe there is an audience.
RAPPA
Oh?
(Turns to audience, blinking. Turns back to Psycho.)
I see no audience, dude.
DRUGGY
Man, you're finally in on my gig! Mmmm, watch out for the weed whackers!
RAPPA
(Gives a blank stare.)
DRUGGY
Don'tcha know 'bout dem weed whackers?! Dey'll get ya downtown as soon as possible.
RAPPA
Don't speak my way, yo. You don't quite get it.
DRUGGY
(Sniffles)
But Rappa, you an' me is best buddies!
RAPPA
Since when?!
(Stands with arms akimbo.)
SNOW BLONDE
(Sits up)
Who would name their child Rappa? Is it Czech? Russian? What?
RAPPA
Strictly Rappaian.
SNOW BLONDE
Rappaian? Is that foreign?
RAPPA
(Exasperated sigh)
I don't know. Look it up.
SNOW BLONDE
Where's your local Webster's Dictionary?
RAPPA
(Raises tone of voice)
We don't have one. We don't need one!
SNOW BLONDE
(Lip trembles)
Please don't' yell at me…
RAPPA
(Crosses arms over chest.)
Yelling? Yelling? I wasn't yelling. Was I, Klepto?
KLEPTO
You were ye-
RAPPA
(Bashes Klepto over the head.)
Who asked you?!
KLEPTO
You did…
SNOW BLONDE
(Thoroughly confused.)
Ummm… like, a little help here, please?
PSYCHO
(Gives an exasperated sigh as he separates Klepto and Rappa.)
Do you wish for introductions, ma'am?
SNOW BLONDE
You have names!
(Squeals delightfully.)
RAPPA
(Grumbles at Snow Blonde's blondness.)
Like any normal human we do…
PSYCHO
I am the dwarves child-friendly psychoanalyst, Psycho.
(Bows courteously.)
RAPPA
He's just what his name implies.
PSYCHO
(Coughs.)
Such a kind, wonderful comment from the rapper, Rappa.
DRUGGY
(Cuts off anything Rappa would snap back at Psycho.)
The name's Druggy, pleased ta meetcha! Have a joint!
(Laughs crazily and runs around in circles before collapsing.)
PREZ
My name is… is… is… aaachooooooooo!
(Everyone scrambles to keep from being blown away.)
SNOW BLONDE
Your name's Achoo? Is that Rappaian too? Or is it really Czech?
PSYCHO
(Hands Prez a handkerchief.)
He's the President. Call him Prez, not Achoo.
SNOW BLONDE
The President of what?
PREZ
Of the John.
SNOW BLONDE
Who's John?
DRUGGY
He's our friend out back. I know him very, very well.
SNOW BLONDE
May I meet him sometime? He sounds like a nice guy.
PREZ
Errr… I believe you're next!
(Shoves Dopey towards Snow Blonde.)
DOPEY
(Trips and falls flat on his face. Gets up hurriedly, nearly tips over Prez, and manages to curtsy to Snow Blonde before falling again. Dopey then crawls away towards Psycho, hugging Psycho's ankles.)
PSYCHO
This lil bugger would be Dopey.
(Pats Dopey on the head like a dog.)
GOTH
(Yawns.)
The name's… Goth…
SNOW BLONDE
(Nods with a smile, before freaking out.)
Eeek!
KLEPTO
Oops.
(Begins to simper.)
SNOW BLONDE
(Gives Klepto a pouty face.)
Don't go there mister!
KLEPTO
Eeheehee… whatever you say…
PSYCHO
That would be our kleptomaniac, Klepto.
SNOW BLONDE
I…
(Gives a big yawn.)
I see…
PREZ
You look a bit tired miss. We all are.
PSYCHO
We'll let you sleep up here; we'll be fine enough downstairs.
RAPPA
Downstairs? What?!
PSYCHO
(Elbows Rappa in the ribs.)
Oh yes, it's very comfy down there. Let's go, men! Hi ho silver and away!
(All dwarves proceed down the stairs. Rappa and Druggy are grumbling, but the rest are perfectly fine with the situation. They all take weird, sprawled positions on the floor and snore raucously. All lights are turned off except for the spotlight. The spotlight is made to look like stars and is twisting for half a minute. A rooster sound is then heard as the lights come back on slowly. The dwarves begin to wake, stretching and yawning as wide as they possibly can.)
DRUGGY
(Jumps up, flailing his arms.)
Aaaah! Don't let the cannibal clowns eat me! Get them away! I hate yellow!
PSYCHO
(Looks up from his sprawled position.)
I believe it is time you had another session with me, Druggy.
DRUGGY
No, anything but that! Woe is me!
(Swoons dramatically.)
RAPPA
(Rubs his eyes.)
Another day, another job…
KLEPTO
What're we gonna do today? Hijack planes or plant broccoli?
RAPPA
Uuuh…
GOTH
Garbage women…
RAPPA
Women? Err…
GOTH
Wait… wait… oh, never mind…
RAPPA
Let's just go already… we'll catch breakfast at Mickey D's, man.
PSYCHO
Wait, wait!
(Catches Rappa by the scruff as he starts to walk out.)
RAPPA
Waaah!
(Waves arms about.)
What?
PSYCHO
Snow Blonde! What's she gonna do?
DRUGGY
There's a TV up there. She'll be kept busy. If she's nosy, she'll only find my stash… oh, joy.
KLEPTO
(Laughs.)
Good luck, boy.
GOTH
That… rhymed! Cool…
RAPPA
Yo, wake up Goth!
(Slaps Goth, making Goth wake up fully.)
GOTH
Aaah, I'm up!
PSYCHO
(Finishes scribbling on a small piece of paper from pocket.)
Just a note for Snowy, telling her we'll be at work the whole day. Okay?
ALL DWARVES (EXCEPT PSYCHO)
Okay!
PSYCHO
Off we go men!
RAPPA
(Rapping.)
High-ho, high-ho, it's off to work we go… again.
ALL DWARVES
Oy!
(All exit stage right.)
Act 1, Scene 5
QUEEN
Aaah, it's been a wonderful month!
(Sweeps in, spotlight, stage left. She looks about, hand on hips, before spotting the mirror.)
Mirror, get your butt over here.
MIRROR
(Toddles in, gulping audibly.)
Yes, Milady?
QUEEN
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the sexiest one of all?
MIRROR
It's still Snow Blonde… uh oh.
QUEEN
(Shrieky voice.)
I knew it! Bubba lied to me, this isn't her hair!
(Queen throws off imitation wig.)
How dare he lie to me, I'm the Queen!
(Leans close to the mirror.)
Where is she?
MIRROR
(Shrinks back.)
She's been living with seven dwarves in a hut in the woods for the past month, watching TV and eating McMuffins.
QUEEN
Bubba lied to me… she isn't dead… she's alive. I have to do something about this!
(Holds up a hand, laughing maniacally.)
For I am the sexiest one alive! Snow Blonde cannot stand in my way!
MIRROR
(Humbly.)
No one can, Milday.
(Goes into hiding.)
QUEEN
(Walks around, muttering to herself about spells and potions, suddently exclaming)
Oh, I know how to get back at Snow Blonde! I'll poison her and put her into the never ending...
(Dum, dum, dum)
Sleeping Death of...
(Looks around warily)
the Lipstick.
(Gasping from offstage.)
Shutup ya'll!
(Turning towards right exit)
QUEEN
Now... to make... the Sleeping Death... certain ingredients are
needed… like this…
(Picks up a piece of dog poop.)
Perfect. I need…
(Picks up the ingredients as she mentions them.)
Cow Pies… Frog Ears… Bleu Cheese… George Bush's nose hair… Monica Lewinksy's brassiere strap… Queen Elizabeth's hat… Bowling Pins… Red Rubber Balls for color… and a dash of ripe watermelon zest for flavor!
(Cackles evilly, mixing things together. Turns back on audience, a poof of smoke appears. Queen faces audience, holding lipstick high in right hand. She laughs triumphantly. Make sure Queen is left center stage.)
Now for the disguise! It is very complicated, and dangerous for a mere human to drink…but I am no mere mortal! I am the CHEESE!
(Loud farting sound from backstage. Queen blanches.)
Well… not really… I just cut it. But this potion is not one to be tried at home without adult supervision. Some assembly is required.
(Pulls from her pocket a bottle labeled in large letters "GRAPE SODA.")
Just a bit of gypsum powder…
(Sprinkles in a bit of what looks like baby powder.)
Pefect!
(Takes a long pull of the drink and nearly chokes, stumbling around clutching her throat. She collapses in a heap, and smoke begins to pour out around her. No more is she seen. Queen has exited left.)
Act 1, Scene 6
SNOW BLONDE
(Snow Blonde is waltzing around the cottage, singing the theme song for Friends. She does the clap part really loud, and someone knocking at the door follows after. Snow Blonde pauses, confused, listening to the knocking. She then realizes what it is.)
Who's there?
(Walks over to the door, opening it. She jumps back, appalled by the horrifying looks of the Queen-turned-hag.)
Who are you?!
QUEEN
I'm the new cosmetologist from across the street, dearie.
(Curtsies politely.)
SNOW BLONDE
Across the street?
(Scratches her head in confusion, looking around for a street.)
QUEEN
Well, um, the… the… trail, yes! Across the trail, over the river, through the woods, on the way to grandmother's house. You know where that is, don't you, sweety?
SNOW BLONDE
(Slowly, still confused, but goes along with it.)
But of course…
QUEEN
(Steps through the "door" and into the hut. She then looks at Snow Blonde, grabbing her by the chin and turning her face slightly.)
You look like… a… cool peach! No, no… fire hydrant red? Not that, either… how about… yes! Pearly pink! Yes!
SNOW BLONDE
Are you giving me a free makeover?
QUEEN
Yes, yes, of course… we just got new products in and want to sample them on some delightful young women like yourself. Go ahead, take a seat, and I will begin!
SNOW BLONDE
(Takes a seat.)
This is totally free of charge?
QUEEN
Yes, yes, no charge at all!
(The Queen takes the poisoned lipstick out of her purse, uncapping it and twisting it up.)
Ah yes, pearly pink… pucker up, honey!
SNOW BLONDE
(Puckers up willingly.)
QUEEN
(Begins to carefully apply the lipstick, a devious smile on her face.)
SNOW BLONDE
(As soon as the Queen is done, Snow Blonde begins to shiver.)
Oooh… I don't feel so good…
QUEEN
It's okay dear, granny's here…
SNOW BLONDE
(Gets up.)
Oh, my head hurts!
QUEEN
(Impatient, because the poison is taking longer than she expected.)
Lay down, dear, you'll be okay…
SNOW BLONDE
(Begins to groan, holding her stomach. She starts to sway and then falls dramatically. Snow Blonde… is dead.)
QUEEN
(Feels for a pulse before cackling evilly.)
My plan has worked! I am now the sexiest one of all! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!
PSYCHO
(Bangs on the door.)
Who's in there?!
QUEEN
Uh oh…
(Backs up and runs at the door, shoulder first, bursting through the dwarves and sending them scattering. The Queen runs around the stage, chased by the dwarves, most of whom are carrying pitchforks with hay still on them. Everyone runs around stage, the chasers and the chased. The Queen stops at the edge of the stage, teetering on the edge. Rappa starts to swing his pitchfork, and long before it hits the Queen, fake sound effects are heard. She falls off the stage onto the floor in front of the audience. A fake crunch is heard, along with banging trash cans, a cat screech, a horse neigh, a cow moo, and ends up with a trumpet playing "Happy Birthday." Rappa stands there, pitchfork on floor, hands on hips, looking up at the sound effects person.)
RAPPA
Are you done yet?!
SOUND EFFECTS GUY
Yah, I'm done now!
RAPPA
Good!
(Harumphs before turning to his fellow dwarves, who are crying.)
What's wrong?
PSYCHO
Snow Blonde is… is…
PREZ
Dead!
GOTH
Waaaaaaaah!
(Cries like a baby.)
RAPPA
(Is flabbergasted, his mouth hanging open, hands drop limply to his sides.)
You serious, man? Ya ain't joshing me?
PSYCHO
(Shakes his head.)
She's dead. This tube of lipstick was beside her…
(Holds it up.)
DRUGGY
Ooo, pearly pink!
RAPPA
(Gasps loudly.)
She's been put into the Sleeping Death of the Lipstick!
(A high-pitched scream from offstage is heard.)
ALL DWARVES
Nooo!
(They start crying as the lights are dimmed. Five dwarves pick up Snow Blonde and carry her to a pedestal that is rolled onto the stage by the other two dwarves. They all then sit around, sobbing. The lights dim even further as the dwarves cry themselves to sleep.)
Act 1, Scene 7
SNOW BLONDE
(Spotlight, center stage. Is sleeping in the forest, upon a golden pedestal.)
(All the dwarves are gathered around. Dopey is crying, Klepto is poking around for minor valuables, Goth is sleeping, Druggy has his back to the audience, Prez has a box of Kleenex, Psycho is consoling Rappa. Cue Goldeneye music. From the shadows right comes a figure in camouflage. He sneaks around the stage, dropping to the ground to hide occasionally, scrunching up behind "trees." Then he creeps near Snow Blonde, rifle in hand. Rappa sees him and comes alert.)
RAPPA
Halt!
(Rappa stands up, pointing accusingly at the person.)
Who goes there?
JOE
(Macho voice.)
It is I, G.I. Joe!
(Great emphasis.)
RAPPA
Yo man, long time no see!
(Rappa and Joe go into a long series of high fives, hand shakes, and the sort.)
Sweet, ya still got it in ya!
JOE
Yup, never lost my old flare, did I?
(Kisses hand and puts to butt, makes a sizzling sound.)
I'm hot baby!
RAPPA
(Blank stare.)
Um, no thanks. I've had better offers.
JOE
What!
RAPPA
It's only the truth.
(Big grin)
JOE
Oh…
RAPPA
So, whatcha doin' in this neck o' da hood?
JOE
I came…
(Lots of sentimentality.)
to rescue this young lady from…
(Dun-dun-dun music.)
the Sleeping Death of…
(Looks around warily before continuing.)
…the Lipstick.
(All gasp.)
DRUGGY
Ahahahahaha! Lipstick, lipstick! I love lipstick!
(Grabs out two tubes of lipstick and waves them around. He then starts to run in circles around everyone.)
PSYCHO
(Gets up.)
Excuse him, he has been having severe obsessive compulsive disorders lately. He has gotten rather… attached… to his lipstick. Pay no attention to him.
RAPPA
Who cares. He's downright annoying.
(Puts out foot and trips Druggy.)
Down, boy.
DRUGGY
(Fake sniffle.)
That hurt…
RAPPA
(Crosses arms, sneering.)
Get over it.
DRUGGY
Waaah, Rappa's mean!
(Runs off to former place, fake-sobbing.)
JOE
Rappa, you hurt Druggy's feelings! Why'd you have to go and do that? I finally found somebody with an interest like mine!!!
PSYCHO
(Shakes his head.)
It will take me a long time to discover the power that lipstick has over men and dwarves.
JOE
It doesn't have power over us… it just… well… uh…
PSYCHO
(Smiles overly sweetly.)
Whatever you say, dear Joe.
JOE
You old crook, don't call me dear!
PSYCHO
Old crook?
(Doubles up with laughter.)
JOE
Yeah, tha-that's right! Old crook!
PSYCHO
(Flutters eyelids.)
I believe you, my handsome prince!
JOE
Why you…
(Blinks, and stops.)
Prince? Me?
DRUGGY
Joe, a prince? Please, I just ate lunch, man.
DOPEY
(Stumbles about, falling over his overly large shirt. Managing to get up, he points furiously at Snow Blonde's casket.)
GOTH
(Very slowly.)
What're you trying to tell us, boy…?
DOPEY
(Kicks Goth where it hurts, laughing silently at his pain. He then walks over to the casket and taps it, then points to Snow Blonde inside.)
ALL DWARVES
Oh yeah! Snow Blonde!
JOE
(Confused.)
Snow Blonde…? Who's she?
DRUGGY
And I thought I was the one that was stoned. Jeez…
JOE
(Shoots a venomous glance at Druggy before continuing.)
Well, who is she?
PREZ
(Motions towards the casket.)
She is simply a young lady that came to us one day, flitting through the woods like… like… li… aaaa… choooooooooooo!
(Long sneeze, everyone falters.)
RAPPA
Take a hanky, Prez.
(Tosses Prez his rather grubby handkerchief.)
PREZ
(Manages to catch it.)
Thanky kindly.
(Blows his nose, and motions for Rappa to continue for him.)
RAPPA
Ah yes, Snow Blonde. Ditzy gal, I say, one heckuvva body though…
(Drools slightly, wipes his mouth for emphasis.)
JOE
(Raises his eyebrow, definitely more interested.)
PSYCHO
To pretty much sum it up, this young lady has been in an emotionally and physically deprived state since the queen gave her poisoned lipstick.
JOE
(Walks over to the casket, looking through the casket.)
How… sad.
PSYCHO
(Slight sniffle.)
I know.
JOE
Is there anything I can do?
PSYCHO
Not really. Her time has passed; there is not much to be done.
JOE
Really?
(Opens the casket, gazing at Snow Blonde's body.)
Nice young femme, eh?
RAPPA
(Dreamy.)
Yeah…
DRUGGY
Ya people are all scaring me. Take a joint or two, that'll cheer ya up!
ALL OTHER DWARVES
(Glare at Druggy.)
RAPPA
How about we say we did but we don't, man?
DRUGGY
(Cocks his head.)
Huh?
RAPPA
(Shakes his head and lays Druggy out flat by hitting him under the chin.)
He's all taken care of.
(Grins wryly at Psycho.)
GOTH
Now… what?
(Holds up hands in a "I don't know" gesture.)
JOE
She's a princess, right?
PSYCHO
She's the step-daughter of the deceased queen, yes…
JOE
Well, I'm gonna try something that works in all fairy tales.
RAPPA
Fairy tales? What the-?
JOE
Jeez, you all haven't gone through puberty, have ya?
ALL DWARVES (EXCEPT DRUGGY)
Nah crap!
JOE
(Blanches for a second.)
Moody, eh?
RAPPA
Just get on with it, bubba. What in blazin' heck's a fairy tale?
JOE
It's like a fake story. This place reminds me a bit of that one place in… ah crud, what was the name of that one story? Something White, can't quite remember…
(Snaps fingers, trying to remember.)
RAPPA
Who cares!
JOE
I do. So bleh.
(Sticks his tongue out at Rappa.)
PSYCHO
(Steps in between the two before a fight instigates.)
Down, both of you. Now, try what you want to and then get going, Joe.
JOE
Okay, okay…
(Leans down close to Snow Blonde and places a light, airy kiss upon her lips. He then pretends to choke, and freaks out all of the dwarves.)
PREZ
The lipstick poisoned him too! It's cursed! Everybody run!
(Starts to run away.)
RAPPA
(Catches Prez by the ruff of the neck.)
Where are you goin', bub? The guy's fakin'.
JOE
(Stops pretending to be choking.)
Awww, you ruined my fun.
RAPPA
(Glances sideways at Joe.)
Get over it.
JOE
I swear, someday you're gonna get it…
SNOW BLONDE
(Picking head up a bit. Speaks in usual high, ditzy voice.)
Get what? Is it someone's birthday?
EVERYONE (EXCEPT SNOW BLONDE)
SNOW BLONDE!!!
SNOW BLONDE
That's m'name, don't wear it out!
(Giggles like a little girl.)
PSYCHO
She's alive! Yippee skippee!
RAPPA
Did you just say "yippee skippee?"
(Looks freaked out.)
GOTH
Yippee… skippee!
(Echoes Psycho lightly.)
SNOW BLONDE
I'm glad someone's happy to see me!
(Begins to get up.)
JOE
Let me help you, miss.
(Helps Snow Blonde up out of the casket and onto the ground.)
SNOW BLONDE
Oh!
(Falls into Joe's arms woozily.)
Who are you…?
(Looks up at him curiously.)
JOE
It is I, G.I. Joe, your prince!
(Holds her in one arm and throws the other arm in the air. Accidentally drops Snow Blonde.)
SNOW BLONDE
My prince! How romantic!
(Squeals excitedly and hugs him around the knees.)
JOE
(Blushes beet red, hands behind back, drawing with toe on the ground.)
Awww, it was nothin'.
RAPPA
(Mumbles.)
Yeah, whatever. Showoff.
PSYCHO
(Caught up in the joyous moment. Walks to the duo, and throws his arms up to the audience.)
Let's celebrate!
(Everyone parades off, except for Rappa and Druggy. Rappa is muttering nonsense words to himself, looking around and kicking whatever he can find. He then walks over to the prone Druggy and kicks his body lightly. When Druggy does not awake, he throws his hands up in despair.)
RAPPA
All that work for nothin'. No gal, no nothin'. That really bites.
(Slumps down on the floor.)
DRUGGY
(Wakes up and grins at Rappa.)
Least you still have me!
RAPPA
(Raises an eyebrow. Speaks with lots of sarcasm.)
Oh joy, oh rapture, of ecstasy!
DRUGGY
C'mon, admit ya love me! We're practically brothers!
RAPPA
I think I'd rather take my chances findin' one of the opposite sex. Sorry to disappoint ya, man.
(Gets up and walks away to join the party.)
DRUGGY
Waaah, Rappa! But you're my buddy! And so is the rest of them, and Snow Blonde, and Joe! I'll never let go, Rappa, I'll never let go!
(Falls back to the floor dramatically after his Titanic impression.)
RAPPA
(Comes back on stage in dramatic pose.)
It is now time for the young lady to sing!
SNOW BLONDE
(Jumps out on stage, imitating N'sync.)
Oops! I did it again…
(She continues to sing songs from N'sync, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, etc.)
PSYCHO
(Enters, stage left.)
C'mon boys, let's dance!
DRUGGY, RAPPA, GOTH, DOPEY, PREZ
(They enter, stage right, singing in "la's" to the Can-Can.)
PSYCHO
That's it boys!
(Joins in as the six dwarves start to do the dancing motions to the Can-Can, all in a line, kicking their legs out of sync.)
KLEPTO
(From offstage.)
Crap!
(Runs onstage, from the right, in front of the dancers and Snow Blonde, who is still singing terribly. He is holding a large pink rag.)
JOE
(Rushes onstage after Klepto.)
Get back here! That's MY blanky!
KLEPTO
It's mine now! Hahahaha!
(Laughs maniacally as he runs all over the stage, chased by Joe. Snow Blonde is still singing, the dwarves are still "lalaing" to the Can-Can and dancing.)
DIRECTOR
(Yells through a megaphone from offstage.)
It's the end already!
(The curtain starts to close. All the dwarves fall down. Joe trips over Klepto and sprawls into Snow Blonde, knocking her down. Curtain closes completely. A few seconds later, it opens, and all actors and actresses from the play take a bow.)
THE END