Disclaimer: we only own Star Wars in dreams, Lucas owns the rest.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: This fic is through Bastila's eyes. It's an Alternate Ending to KOTOR, and I hope everyone likes it. Most of this was mine, but my sister wrote the flashbacks.

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: This is my first Star Wars fic so be nice, I love KOTOR so I hope you like this one.

A Jedi's Secret

Chapter 1: The Ever Growing Darkness

I sat in front of the heart of the Star Forge waiting, waiting for him. He was coming; I could feel his power, his determination. I would succeed this time; here I could not be beaten. Lord Malak had assured me that. What about the feelings? What about the raging battle between my heart and my master? It's foolish of me to think I could feel for Revan. I did, though, I know I did, and he knows too. I shared much with Revan, we had once given into our emotions; I remembered that.

Perhaps that is how I could undo him. He trusts me, he cares for me. That is how I will destroy him.

The door behind me opens, and I can feel his strong presence.

"Revan," I said coldly and stood, "I knew you'd come for me."

"I'll never give up on you, Bastila," He says, "I know you can still be saved."

He means it, I can feel it. Is he right? No, he is wrong; the Dark Side is the right path. The Jedi are nothing but corrupters and only care for themselves. They only wanted to use me for my gifts.

"You're wasting your time," I say, partly to assure myself, "I have seen what the Jedi are: weak and afraid. The Sith are the true Masters of the Force!" I reveled in my words, "You have forgotten that lesson, Revan. Now you must pay the price! Here on the Star Forge the power of the Dark Side is the strongest. You will not beat me this time!"

In a flash I flicked my double lightsaber to life. I lunged at him, but he parried me away. A small gash dug into my shoulder, but the Star Forge crackled with life. It fed me energy from its power. Revan looked at what was happening with surprise. I used this to my advantage. Spinning furiously, I was able to stab him in the leg. He quickly regained his composure, and fought back.

I snarled, and sent Force Lightning at him. He repelled it, and threw it back at me. I felt the pain, but the Forge re-energized me. I laughed at my enemy.

"You are growing weary, I sense it. Your strength falters," I smiled, soon he will be mine, "The Light Side is failing you, while the power of the Star Forge re-energizes me! Soon this will all be over." I took a stab at him, but he blocked my blow.

"You've been consumed by the Dark Side," Revan said, "Can't you see it's destroying you?"

No, it couldn't be killing me, it had saved me. He was wrong, he had to be, "The Dark Side has made me stronger than I ever was before," I denied his words, "I have greater command of the Force than all but the most powerful Jedi! As Malak teaches me the greatest secrets of the Sith, I will unlock more of my potential," I smiled wickedly at the future, "Eventually there will be no limit to what I can accomplish with the Force!"

I could feel the conflict of emotions within him. That small bit of darkness said I was right, while the weakness of the Light claimed me wrong, "You will accomplish death and destruction with the Dark Side alone," He said, "Nothing else."

I glared at him, "Jedi propaganda," I said, "The Dark Side is only a tool, and Malak will train me to use it. Eventually I will surpass my Master and challenge him. If I am worthy, he will die by my hand." I would be worthy, when the time came I would kill My Master and make my self Dark Lady of the Sith.

"You are dooming yourself to and endless cycle of death and destruction."

"No, Revan," I hissed my voice like acid, "It is you who are doomed!"

I raced towards him, my red lightsaber blazing. I fought to kill him, but I felt myself growing weaker and weaker in the attempt. Sweat pored from his body as he fought furiously to stop me. Yet, I knew he could kill me then. Why wasn't he, what was stopping him?

I was breathless. I couldn't stop him. He was too strong, far too strong. Suddenly my saber was split in two. At the horror of the sight I lost all hope of victory.

"No, this is not possible!" I gasped, "You have rejected the Dark Side; you are a weak and pathetic servant of the Light. How can you still stand against me?" I looked at him stunned, "Why can't I defeat you?"

"I am stronger than you, Bastila," He said tenderly, "The Dark Side has its place in me; it simply doesn't control me."

I nodded, "Yes, I see you speak the truth. I am no match for you." I bowed my head in shame "I... I know a flicker of the light still burns within me. Malak felt it too. He knew it could only be extinguished if I...killed you. But what good is a single flicker of light against the sea of darkness I am drowning in? I can never atone for my betrayal; I cannot be redeemed. I am not strong enough."

"Use our bond, Bastila, take my strength," He pleaded.

I obeyed his words, and reached into the bond we shared. I could feel his power pulsing from it, and used it to give me strength.

"You are always stronger than me," I said remembering, "I told you that, I always felt so...helpless before your destiny. Even now I feel your strength, and yes, it does help," Tears threatened my eyes, but I blinked them away, "I think...I think I can face the end now, but only if are the one to end it for me." I shuddered, but continued, "Please for the sake of what we once shared, I ask you to take my life."

He looked at me with horror in his green eyes, "No! Never!"

"There is no other way," I said to him, "What other choice do you have?"

"I could never hurt you, Bastila," He said. He forced me to look into his eyes, "I love you."

I froze where I was, unable to move, unable to think. He loved me? How could he love me, after all I had done how could he still love me?

"You...you love me?" I whisper. It seemed foolish, but I smiled. He loved me! "There was a time when I yearned for and dreaded to hear those words." I paused; I knew what I had to say. I had to say what I had denied myself, what I had hidden from him, and my own heart, "This may not be the best time to say this, but...I...I love you too."

He wrapped his strong arms around me, and held me close. I laid my head on his chest, letting the tears fall. Gently, he wiped them away. Our eyes met in a long, loving gaze. He leaned in and kissed me. The kiss was tender, and said all that we had said again. I forgot about Malak and the Sith altogether. I allowed my world to only be filled with love. When we had to release, I longed for him to kiss me again.

"You're not afraid to love anymore," He asked sincerely.

I shook my head, "No, not after what we have shared. I no longer care what the Order would do to us; I only want to love you. With all my heart, I love you Revan

He smiled, and our lips met a second time.

Revan looked at the doors behind me, where Malak waited. He looked at me sadly, "I need you to stay here, Bastila; I have to face Malak."

I nod slowly, "Yes I understand."

"Use your Battle Meditation to help the Republic fleet," He said, "They need your help right now."

I smiled, and kissed his lips lightly, "Good luck my love, and may the Force be with you."

He let me go, and unhooked his lightsaber from his belt. I watched him as he strode to the door, and walked into the room. I feared for him, but I knew he would succeed.

I sat where I had early been waiting for him to come. Once again, I waited. I went deep into Meditation. I could feel the raging battle outside, the faint hope of the Republic fleet. I gave them strength, urging them on. The Sith began to falter, finding it difficult to concentrate on the battle. A gap in the Sith fleet was breached opened. The tide of the battle turned within minutes. The Republic began to find their strength, and defeat the Sith.

The battle was nearly won, when something pulled me out of my Meditation. What had happened? The bond Revan and I shared, it was growing darker. Right then I knew. He had fallen. Revan had given into the Dark Side.

"Bastila" a whisper of evil called for me.

A wave of terror swept through me.

"Bastila," He said again, "Come, Bastila, come find the truth once again."

I looked at the door, a cold sweat bathing my body.

"You feel it Bastila, come."

I took a step towards the door, then another, and another.

"Yes, Bastila, we will be together again, destroy the Republic, and rule together as the rulers of the Sith."

"No!" I cried, and did the only thing I could think to do.

I ran.

If I stayed I would have given in, I knew I would. I fled out of the room, and down the metal walk. Tears spilled over my cheeks, and I let them cascade. I could feel him falling deeper and deeper into the Dark Side. I continued to run. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I couldn't stay.

I tripped, and fell hard onto the walk. The metal grating dug into my hands. I continued to sob. I had no strength to pick myself up.

The cold muzzle of a blaster pressed into the back of my skull.

"Turn around slowly," Carth's voice warned from behind.

I turned my head, when he saw who it was he softened, "Bastila?"

I climbed to my feet, "We... We have to leave Carth."

"You fell," He stated

"Revan brought me back," I said, "We have to go."

"Where is he?"

"He gave in," I said, "Somehow he fell back into darkness."

"It...it can't be true," He said.

"Its true, Carth," I said.

"Are you sure?"

"I can feel it."

Carth nodded, "The Ebon Hawk is this way, come on."

He led the way, as we ran towards the hangar. How they got past the blockade I have no idea, I only know is that I nearly sobbed with relief when I saw the scrap of metal I had flown in for nearly a month.

We raced up the landing ramp. When we were on board, Mission ran over to us.

"Carth you made it," then she saw me, "Bastila you're back!" She cried with glee," Where's Revan?"

I bowed my head.

"Is he...is he..." Mission stuttered.

"The bastard fell, alright!" Carth cried, "He's Darth Revan again."

Carth stormed off to the cockpit, and fired up the engines.

Mission began to sob, while I sat down slowly. I had no tears left. I felt complete empty. Empty of feeling, empty of life.

Jolee, Juhani, Canderous and Zalbaar came over to greet me. Juhani and Jolee looked at my face, and knew.

"Hey, Bast you're back," Canderous said laughingly. He looked around, "Where's Revan?"

I didn't say anything, what could I say?

Jolee said it for me, "He's fallen to the Dark Side."

Zalbaar growled, while Canderous was silent for once.

Mission began to sob again, and wrapped her arms around Zalbaar; her tears wetting his fur.

I got up from my seat, moving as if my limbs were heavy. I could see the Star Forge still floating in the depths of space. Was he still there? Did he even know that I had left? Was he still waiting for me?

It burst into a blinding flash of light. I closed my eyes, and two tears spilled over my cheeks. Tiny particles of light sprinkled the fringes of the explosion. Nothing was left, the weapon of Revan and Malak was destroyed. They weren't though. The bond was dark, but not broken. He still lived.

I moved away from the window, and walked like a zombie to the cockpit. Canderous followed, and sat down in the co-pilots chair. Carth gripped the joy-stick like it was Revan's neck. He stared straight a head, a dark scowl on his face. I wasn't sure why I was here; I just couldn't bear to see their faces anymore. Mission's sobs stung at my ears, and the blank faces of Juhani and Jolee had been too much.

The radio crackled to life, "Commander Onansi, come in," Admiral Dodonna's voice commanded.

"Onansi here," Carth replied.

"Carth you're alive," Dodonna said, "Is everyone accounted for?"

"Bastila has returned with us, Admiral, but we lost Revan," Carth explained, "He fell to the Dark Side."

"Surely he couldn't have survived that explosion," She said.

"No," I finally spoke," He's alive. So is Malak. I can feel it."

"Who is this?"

"Bastila Shan," I replied.

"Young Bastila," Master Vandar's voice broke in, "You have returned to us."

"Yes Master."

"We must speak with you on Coruscant," He said.

"Yes Master," I said again.

Dodonna came back on the radio, "I'll speak with you on Coruscant as well, Carth."

"Till then, Admiral," Carth responded, then turned off the radio.

It was silent in the cockpit for a few minutes; then Carth broke it by slamming his fist onto the dashboard.

He cursed in Mandalorian, making even Canderous jump, and he was Mandalorian.

"I trusted that guy!" Carth yelled, "Even after I knew who he was, I still trusted him."

"Hey Carth," Canderous implied, "We all were friends with him, not just you."

"I've been let down to many times, Canderous!" Carth said, "I actually thought he wouldn't betray me. He was my friend, Canderous."

"He was more to me," I said silently.

Carth looked up, remembering I was there, "Geeze I'm sorry Bastila."

I closed my eyes painfully, and walked out. I felt as if I had failed them all. Hearing Carth vent out his thoughts of losing his friend tore me up inside. I could hear Jolee talking to the others. I couldn't face them, not now. I didn't want to see their faces. See their thoughts of how they wished it was Revan there, not me.

I went to my quarters. What I had brought onboard from Dantooine was still there. I took of my black Sith robes, and changed back into my Jedi tunic. I wanted to burn the robes Malak had entrusted to me. Instead I folded them, and buried them at the bottom of my bag. I didn't want to stay in my room though. There was somewhere else I wanted to be, where I could remember Revan or his false identity Derek, not Darth Revan, but the man I loved.

Revan's room was uncluttered. His clothes were neatly folded, and his bed was made. His scent still lingered in the air. Gingerly I sat down on the bad, and wrapped my arms around his pillow. I couldn't bear this; this room had so many memories. One in particular I would never forget.

I took a shaky breath, and tapped him on the shoulder.

Revan turned his emerald eyes seemed to stare straight into my soul.

"Can I speak with you?" I asked. I needed to tell him what I had decided.

"Sure," He said putting his full attention on me. Carth sitting the pilot's chair leaned in to hear the conversation.

I cleared my throat, "Somewhere private."

"Alright," He said, leaving the cockpit. Carth looked disappointed. Good.

He led me to his quarters. It wasn't exactly where I wanted to talk, but at least no one would interrupt us.

"You wanted to talk to me?" He asked me.

"Yes...I did, I suppose you deserve and answer, but it is hard to say." I sighed, "With all my training, I should be able to control myself better than this. But you're not anything like I expected. You're not like any man I've ever met before." she folded her arms and frowned, "I find myself watching you when I don't mean to. I'm thinking about you when I don't want to."

"You think of anything interesting." He grinned.

Actually I have, but I'm not going to tell you that. I thought, "No what I am meaning is that we, well I have been feeling and thinking...things that a Jedi should not. I guess what I am saying is that the best thing for me would be if I were to return to Dantooine."

He appeared alarmed, almost as if...he didn't want me to go.

"But, this mission is more important and I cannot just abandon it. What I also cannot do is act on what I'm feeling."

"It doesn't have to be this way Bastila."

He actually sounded serious for once. "I don't understand." I told him.

"We don't have to hide our feelings, the council isn't always right."

"You defy the council?"

"On certain issues, I believe that they have the wrong ideas on."

"You've been listening to Jolee to much."

"The old man rubs off on everybody."

"Regardless of what he says, the council is right, we have to continue out this mission, we cannot go into...a relationship or...something."

"Even if I feel something too."

I froze; did he just say that he felt something? "You feel...have feelings for...me?"

He smiled at me and my heart melted, "You know," He said as a finger gently traced my cheek, "You are so cute when you stutter."

He was so close; his face was so near that I could feel his breath on my face. A warning was going of in my head. Remember you're a Jedi, you can't do this.

But all of those thoughts melted away as soon as his lips met mine...

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

For the first time ever, I woke up with a man beside me.

He lay there beside me; I could here his deep even breathing as he slept. And for a while I was content until the Jedi code ran through my head.

There is no emotion there is peace....

There is no passion, there is serenity...

I had defied the code I had spent my entire life living up too. I had given into my emotions and passions. How could I do that?

I drew my knees up to my chest as tears stung my eyes. "What have I done?" I whispered.

Before I could move again, he stirred. "Hey," he said as he sat up and gently brushed my hair away from my shoulders. "What's wrong?" he asked me.

"What's right?" I asked him, "What have we done?"

"What do you mean what have we done?" He asked me, anger edging on his voice, "Bastila, do you regret what we did?"

I couldn't look at him; I don't know what I regretted. "Derek, we're Jedi, we aren't supposed to do things like this. We aren't supposed to feel anything."

His eyes turned dark, and I wanted to take back all of my words, "Are you saying you don't feel anything for me?" He asked.

I looked into his eyes and my words caught in my throat, what could I say? "I do feel something for you Derek, but I...you...we, well...we." I was stuttering again. He smiled at me again.

"Derek...I just don't know what to do." I told him, "I have to think about this...about us."

He sighed, "You're a stickler for the rules, and very stubborn," He smiled... "But you're worth it."

I still remembered what he said, I was worth it. Worth waiting for, worth dieing for, worth loving for. What had changed that? What had made him fall?

"Bastila?" A small voice asked.

I looked up and saw Mission standing in the doorway.

"Mission," I said startled, "are you alright?"

"I'm...fine," she said, "I was worried about you."

"You...you were?"

"Yes," She sat down next to me, "It wasn't like it was a secret around here that you had a...a thing or...crush or something for Revan."

"Oh, Mission," I said smiling a little, "It ...it was so much more than that. I loved him."

She only smiled, "I know."

I looked at her quizzically. I never said anything to anyone; I only told Revan the truth, and that was on the Star Forge.

"Oh you never said anything," She smirked, "Neither did he, I just knew. I wouldn't be surprised if he fell in love with you the minute he saw you."

I laughed a little. It felt strange to laugh, yet it also felt good, "What makes you think that?"

"He was all over you from the beginning. His little jokes, and teasing comments, they were all to get you riled up, because he wanted to distract himself from the truth. He loved you."

"I loved him too," I said sadly.

"I really am sorry, Bastila," Mission said, "He was my friend, but I know it hurts even worse for you."

"I...I just wish I could have saved him," I said, "There was something I should have done."

"There was nothing you could have done," Mission said, "He made the choice, whatever reason it was, he made it. Not you."

I sniffled, and smiled, "Thank you Mission. You may be young, but you are one of the wisest people I know."

"Wow," Her eyes lit up, "Now that's a compliment."

We laughed again, "Come on," She said, "The others want to see you."

I froze, "No...I...I couldn't...what would they say to me?"

"They don't blame you, Bastila; in fact they are worried about you."

"They are?"

"Yes," She said, "We all knew how you felt, and this blow is extremely hard for you. We're here for you Bastila; we're your friends."

I smiled, "Yes, you are."

TBC

So what'd yall think, more to come. Next up Coruscant, what happens there?