I don't know how I got myself in this situation…

I tried to think about how and when it started, and what I could have done to avoid it, but in the end it was pointless. All it did was bring me more questions to ponder on, making my head hurt from overthinking too much. I realized then that I should stop, I slowly learned how to cope with it and accept the outcome, but there's a part of me that wishes to know where and when it began.

It's silly, I know I'm being stupid, even if I knew the answer to my questions, what would have change then? I'd still be stuck like this feeling hopeless all the time, and all I can do is rant and wallow in self-pity. It's such a downer but I'm not usually like this. You can say that even if I've been in this situation for months now, I can still feel the state of shock I was in whenever I think about it.

It's sort of like getting hit with a bus while crossing the same familiar street everyday.

You're out there thinking that nothing like that would ever happen to you, and that it's almost impossible since you've been crossing that street for years now, but then again, even the most impossible thing can happen, and the next thing you know, you're lying in a hospital bed surrounded by the nothingness of white.

That's how sudden it is. I think it's the closest answer why I ended up in this situation, it got me by surprise and I didn't have enough time to process how it happened or when it happened, it just did, and I have to deal with it. I guess I deserved this for not being careful, for being oblivious, for being naive, that I didn't expect the unexpected, and that's why I landed here, but is it really my fault?

If it is… then is it really my fault for falling in love so suddenly to the point of no return?

It's strange because looking back at it, the signs are always there but I chose ignore it. I kept thinking that it was nothing. I simply disregard the red lights and the yellow ones, because I think that it's pointless to give it a thought, and so I carelessly crossed the street, and that's how it got me.

I fell, and I fell hard.

My grandma once told me that love is deceitful, that it latches onto you like a prey. It will feel natural, almost silent, and you wouldn't even think of it, specially when you're always in the same vicinity with that person. You wouldn't have guess that something will develop overtime because it's always been there like some kind of routine. Seeing that person everyday is normal, nothing out of the ordinary, until eventually your stare will linger longer and you'll begin to wonder why you're staring in the first place.

You'll begin to notice the small things even the most minimal ones, like the type of perfume they wear or the bottle of shampoo they use, basically just anything about that person will capture your interest, even the way they smell, the way they smile, move, talk or do small things that not everyone may notice. You'll begin to see all of them without noticing.

They'll become more attractive in your eyes. It's as if you can't believe that they're real and they're made for your eyes to admire and absorb carefully like a fine china, and the sooner you realize this, the faster you'll end up wanting to do anything for them without even asking for something in return.

Hearing all of these from my grandma was weird back then, but now, it sounds like a nightmare that came to life.

She was even quick to remind me that there's nothing wrong with falling in love, and it would be best for me to let it be, and just fall deeper and deeper until it becomes a part of me, but she was wrong, it could be a bad thing, especially when you fall in love with the wrong person which exactly what happened to me…

I fell in love with the wrong person. I know right? Can my life get any worse? The answer to that is, of course it can, because I fell for someone who tormented me since day one.

I don't want to mention her name but a certain Goth with an enigmatic personality should have given my thoughts away. I fell in love with someone who will never be at my arm's reach. The one who until now continues to plague my thoughts every single day.

I fell in love with Jade West and her very name send shivers down my spine.

She was authentic, the kind of darkness I wouldn't mind blending myself in, and all those languid feelings that I've felt for her eventually tire me out from fighting, to the point where I stopped caring and let the magnetic pull that attracts me towards her capture me entirely.

Now you get the idea, I am trapped in this situation. It's a mess really, and I'm tired of looking for a way out. I guess it is my fault after all, and I'm out here thinking deeper and deeper, almost drowning in my own thoughts as if I wasn't performing in front of a raging crowd.

It's the full moon jam which was held in the asphalt cafe. Everyone is bubbling with excitement and energy as I sing my heart out on the stage. They are thrilled and enjoying the life of the party while I stood in front of them, faking my enthusiasm as they scream with praises and cheer.

I wonder how long I can keep this cheerful exterior, pretending that I'm happy and free is a great way of hiding what I truly feel inside, but my thoughts are still present, thoughts of me and her would never leave me, and I almost froze the second that I met her gaze.

She's currently watching Andre and I, sing in front of the crowd, where my eyes are solely focused on her. I couldn't help but be mesmerized at the view of her blue-green eyes.

They always manage to strike me with intensity.

Someone told me that the eyes are the mirror to the soul, and that you can know a person based on just looking at their eyes, but Jade is a different story. Whenever I look into Jade's eyes, it doesn't mirror her soul, it mirrors the entirety of the universe and I could see the galaxy of stars roaming around them, and instead of knowing her she only gets mysterious day by day.

I guess that's how she reeled me in. That smirk of hers, her sarcasm, the insults, and our usual bickering, all of them made sense now.

I saw Beck's arm wrapped possessively around her shoulders and a jolt of pain quickly shot through my veins. They were cuddled up together while sitting on the hood of Beck's car, they look so good together, almost a perfect match, and if I wasn't in love with her I would support them in a heartbeat, but no matter how hard I try to I convince myself I simply can't do it.

Sometimes I think that the world is playing a great joke on me, out of all the people that my heart could probably choose from, it decided to pick a girl with a bitter-twisted soul, and the icing to the cake was, her heart belongs to a guy who actually deserves it and will cherish it with his own.

It's just so unfair, and who am I kidding? Jade wasn't all that twisted.

She's so captivating, that even those who were afraid of her can't take their eyes off when she storms around the hallway walking as if she owns the entire place. She just continue to lure everyone's attention without even trying, and I'm jealous of Beck for noticing how amazing she is before I even came along.

Jade's lucky to be with him too, Beck is the perfect gentleman despite his good looks and gorgeous hair. I know he's the perfect partner for her and it's making me feel guiltier. It's obvious that they're meant for each other and everyone can see that, everyone except for me.

The full moon jam is still packed with students dancing below us as we perform on the stage. We're singing the song Andre wrote for Jade and I'm helping him get rid of his unsure, yet somehow present feelings for Jade, which all began when he called me last night around 3AM.

I know someone who is sane enough wouldn't call me for no reason at a time like that, so I had my suspicions that it must be an emergency and I was right (even though I wish I wasn't). He told me, almost panicking, that he developed feelings for Jade and I was shocked but then again I wasn't, because it's Jade, who wouldn't fall for Jade?

I secretly hoped that the hot chocolate I made for him would change his mind and think that he was only dreaming, but of course, miracles don't happen, at least not to me. I understand Andre and why he was so troubled back then, he was Beck's bestfriend. It must be tough for him knowing that he's crushing or developing feelings for his bestfriend's girlfriend, since I've been in the same dilemma once, which is why even if I'd rather stay home tonight, I helped him perform the song that he composed for Jade instead.

Which bring us back here.

I heard Andre say his thank you's in front of the crowd and that's when I snapped out of my reverie. I zoned out again, great, I should really stop getting lost in my head. I quickly composed myself while flashing a smile at the familiar faces staring up at me. I must be really deep inside my mind that I didn't even notice it was over. I'm glad it is, since tonight's been a blast. I just want to go home and sleep the night away.

Andre and I eventually went down the stage and we soon reached our friends, Jade pulled Andre into a big warm hug which made me slightly jealous. Why can't she hug me like that? Oh that's right, the girl hates me with every fiber of her soul.

It's amusing to think that she hates me because I kissed Beck during our acting improv on the first day of class, but if she only knew that I was after her and not her boyfriend, would she still treat me the same way?

Beck, Jade, Cat, and Robbie eventually went back inside the lobby, leaving Andre and I at the asphalt cafe conversing about his feelings for Jade, he was unsure if he still likes her or not, but by a short lock of surprise, a girl asked him to hang out with her and Andre immediately agreed.

I envy him knowing that he can easily move on from his feelings for Jade, but I can't say the same for me. I tried dating but it didn't work, I tried ignoring her but I can't do it, I tried distancing myself but I decided it's impossible because we're in the same group of friends.

I also know that I can't continue being like this and I know it's not easy but it will always be harder for me to want someone that I'm not supposed to have.

Just what did I do to end up like this? I honestly don't know. I guess this is the time where I have to recall everything, right from the beginning, from how we met, up to here. I don't really know how to move on from Jade West...

Or will I even be able to?

Hi this is haru~

I am currently looking for a beta, I really need one for personal reasons haha, so until then, I wouldn't be able to publish the next chapter. See y'all through the screen and let me know what you guys think so far~