Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh and don't profit from this story. Used all the funny juice in the story, didn't leave anything for the disclaimer, sorry.
January 25th, Joey's birthday. Bet lots of new fics'll come out today. Hopefully most of them will be Kaiba related. Hmm. Using my incredible Photoshop skillz I made a birthday card for October 25th, but this time I thought about cooking up something different. If you're addicted, here's your fix for crack. But it's laced with rainbow.
Warning: Use of the word 'shit'. If the word 'shit' offends you, don't read it. Oh, and yaoi. And, you know, mentions of drugs. But no drugs actually taken. I still don't fully understand the rating system so I rated this T just to be safe.
The World and Some Cake
"Sir, Mr. Wheeler is here."
Seto Kaiba sighed. "Send him in." He looked at the papers in front of him as if they had kicked him in the nuts. Tired of looking at them, he threw them in the trash. Screw it. The world can wait another few years for card games on motorcycles. The door opened and Joey Wheeler waltzed into his office like he owned the place. "What do you want, loser?"
"Loser I am not, Kaiba. The lottery I have won."
"Spare me the Star Wars bullshit, I'm busy."
"I'm here to buy your company and relieve you of your duties."
"Right. You gonna beat me in a duel while you're at it as well?"
"I'm serious, Kaiba! I've got all the money right here."
Only then did Kaiba notice the suitcase Joey was carrying. For a moment he imagined it was full of cards, and Joey wanted to trade them for his company. Hm, memories. "Oh? You think you really have what it takes? And I mean this in every possible way."
"I, uh… of course I have! I'll just have to sit there and, you know, control the world and stuff."
"Well, I guess you're all set then." He got up, went around his desk and gestured towards his chair. "By all means."
Not really expecting that reaction, Joey faltered for a bit but quickly regained his bearings. "Right then." He sat down. The phone rang immediately. Kaiba stared at him with his arms crossed. Expressionless and silent. Joey tried to remember why this felt like such a great idea earlier when he was talking to his friends. They even encouraged him.
"What? It's a prank! It's gonna be so funny! He's gonna be all "oh no, I lost my company to a dog, what am I gonna do?" and I'll laugh at his face. It's brilliant!"
"Sure, moron. If by 'brilliant' you mean 'shit that'll never work'." Tristan was barely paying attention, but still gave his two cents.
"Um, Joey. Don't you think that maybe you should think this through? I mean, your plan seems a little bit too… simple."
"But Yugi, the beauty is in the simple things. Look at our hair for instance. Mine is much simpler than yours and so, it looks much nicer!"
"Okay, Joey. Have fun with Kaiba then."
And now… what was the plan again? He stared at the ringing phone.
"No, I haven't invented telepathic phones yet. You have to actually touch it."
"I know that!" He answered the phone. "Uh… Kaiba Company. How may I help you?"
Kaiba face-palmed.
"Um, no. He's… I'm the new boss. Yeah, that's right. Oh, very important, eh? Well, pal. It's like I said. I'm the man here. Yeah. Man with a plan, that's me. Joey 'Plan Man' Wheeler. New king of the world. Bow before your—" the line went dead.
Kaiba was a little surprised to find out Joey thought so much of him. But then he realized that coming from a nincompoop like that, it wasn't much of a compliment.
"Okay then. Now I think I'll take my Blue-Eyes jet for a ride and later—"
"In your dreams, dog. I'd sooner let Mokuba dye his hair pink."
"Mokuba wanna dye his hair pink?"
"He thinks he'd be making a 'statement'. Of what? Ponies and Barbies?"
Joey laughed out loud, and after a few seconds they both realized they were… doing something. Bonding, warming up to one another, whatever that shit was, it needed halting.
"Right. You played your little game, probably pissed off some very rich business man and now it's time to go. I have the world to run, as you put."
But now that he had gotten a taste, Joey wouldn't go so easily. "Wait! What does this do?" He pressed a button next to the phone. Two seconds later the door opened and the secretary that announced him came through the door.
"What is it, Mr. Ka—what is the meaning of this?"
"Man, you're fast! My finger's still in the button! How did you do that?"
"Sir? Care to explain?"
"Oh, he bought the company and now he's your new boss. Say hello."
She passed out. Really. She just fell through the open door, possibly getting a concussion when her head hit the floor.
"Great. Now you've killed someone. When will you start treating us like human beings, Mr. Wheeler?"
Joey was torn between being concerned for the secretary or bursting out laughing from what Kaiba had just said. He stood up laughing, wondering what the hell had gotten into Kaiba but when he glanced at the door, the woman had disappeared.
"Where is she?"
"You know in games, when you kill a zombie, and the next time you pass by that place they're gone? I have that technology here, only it's much more effective."
Oooh I get it. He's high. He probably took something when I wasn't looking. That's got to be it. "Hey, sharing would be nice."
"Excuse me?"
"You know. It."
"You're making less sense than usual."
"Hah! Look who's talking. Though I can't say it isn't fun. You know, gimme a hit. Pass the blunt. Show me Lucy in the sky with diamonds."
"If you're suggesting that I'm high, you're deep in the doghouse. I'd never do such thing."
Oh my god, he said 'in the doghouse'! I definitely shouldn't find this puntastic but I do!
"At least not in the office."
What.
"Now do leave before the security robots arrive and disintegrate you."
Picking up his briefcase full of nothing, Joey walked to the door. Looking outside, he saw the secretary talking on the phone as if nothing happened. Did I just dream all that? Am I the one who's high? He left without another word, perplexed and kinda happy.
Kaiba returned to his chair, unaware that he was smiling. He opened a drawer and picked up a candy bar, unwrapped it and ate it in ten seconds. This was something he only did when he was pleased. The drawer was full.
On the way home, he passed by a hair products store and bought pink hair dye. Returning to the car, something else picked his interest in the next store window. He bought that as well and decided to make a detour before going home.
Consulting a program designed by himself, Stalkly, he found the address he was looking for and drove, half dazed, half confused.
As soon as he rang the door bell, his mind seemed to clear up, and he wondered what he was doing there. Oh. Gift. Right.
Joey answered the door in nothing but a birthday party hat. And clothes. Shaking his head, Kaiba noticed he was also wearing clothes.
"Day was boring. You made it interesting. Here." He presented the package to Joey, who still couldn't stop looking at his face as if he was seeing Slender Man or Cthulhu. Since Kaiba wasn't saying anything else, he decided to reach for the package. He opened, half-expecting snakes to explode in his face.
It was a snow globe. Of a globe. It was a snow globe with the Earth inside. Kaiba was feeling like the girl who wants to know since sperm is 80% sugar why does it taste so salty. And then Joey had a huge smile on his face.
"Wicked sense of humour! Come on in, I'll give you some cake."
Without even considering anything else, Kaiba entered the house and joined him in the kitchen. Suddenly he wanted Joey to turn around, say "The cake is a lie" and kiss him.
What?
Joey turned around. "It's vanilla, 'cause it's my favourite. And, well, I think I deserve it. At least today." They sat in a little table, one facing the other.
"What do you mean?"
"Nobody ever celebrates these things anymore but... it's my birthday."
"Oh. Mine is on the 25th too."
"Really? Today?"
"No, October."
"Oh."
Silence. Kaiba just knew if he took the cake knife, he could cut the tension with it. Instead, he cut another slice for himself.
Joey stared at him for a few seconds and cut another slice for himself too. "Thanks. For, you know, the world." For some reason that sounded very intimate and a little romantic to his ears. Kaiba just nodded and kept on eating. He stared again, just thinking of the sheer lunacy this day had been.
He invaded Kaiba's office for no reason other than... well, fun; Kaiba didn't kill him for doing so; they made jokes; Kaiba shared his cake, and now he was contemplating crawling over the table and lick his face clean. Seriously, he was getting cake all over himself.
He started getting up, thinking about doing just that but Kaiba got up before him, with no cake whatsoever on his face. "I should go. Mokuba is waiting."
"Oh yeah, yeah. Sure. I'll walk you out."
They looked at each other. Both looked utterly and wildly hungry. Despite having just stuffed themselves with cake. Joey reached for Kaiba's coat at the same time Kaiba reached for his head. Never anything vanilla tasted so delicious. Kissing evolved to kissing and groping, and then some moaning too. And a drunken grunt. They stopped and stared.
"Father. Woke up."
"Oh. I should go."
"Yeah." Joey looked like someone had stolen his candy. Well, it kinda was like that.
"You should come."
"Yeah." Now he looked like Willy Wonka. Or something.
Kaiba took his hand and they ran across the small apartment.
"Joooey. Feed meee."
"Um, there's cake in the kitchen, dad."
Kaiba smiled and whispered, "No there isn't. We ate everything."
Joey giggled. "The cake is a lie then." Kaiba's smile broadened and he opened the door, pulling Joey with him.
Inside the car, neither could stop laughing. After a while, Kaiba asked why he was laughing.
"I don't know!" That made both start all over again. Joey was mesmerized by the sight of Kaiba laughing. That seemed more impossible to happen than him winning a duel against Yugi. Yeah, he should probably keep that thought to himself.
Mokuba was asleep on the couch. Kaiba let the hair dye bag in front of him and pulled Joey to his room.
"Come on, then. It's your birthday."
The End (but most probably To Be Continued)
Lame ending, sorry. I kinda… made this up as I went along, so that's my excuse if things don't make sense. Also, written in less than a day. By a person who usually takes months (and sometimes years) to finish a fan-fiction. No smut. Yeah. That was already too much for me. Maybe I'll write another chapter later just for the sake of smuttiness. For the record, I'd never screw up with Kaiba. I adore him. As much as one can adore a fictitious character. If you loved me and wanna follow me, my Twitter is on my profile. I'm making a F.A.Q., be sure to check it out later. Don't know when, just…later. And love my other story too. Be kind, review. Ta.