A/N: One-shot. Unedited. Written quickly on a plane, so. All mistakes, mine.
A/N 2: This ended up being much longer than I intended and I really struggled to not make it a multi-chap, considering that I don't want so many WIPs. But I am seriously considering continuing this.
Rachel should've known something was wrong. That something was… off.
It's hard to find good word choice when looking to describe something involving Quinn Fabray. (Even harder when looking to describe Quinn Fabray herself.)
And it really began more than a month ago, but Rachel hadn't even noticed until now.
Two months ago, Shelby came back from New York.
Shelby Corcoran.
Her mom.
Again, her surrogate parent had found a way into her life unexpected.
It caught her off guard when Jesse came into her room, hands in his pockets. He looked distracted, nervous – which was completely unlike Jesse. It was enough to put her on high alert and prepared herself for the news that she knew was coming. But out of all the possibilities in her head, "Shelby's back." wasn't one of them.
He didn't even have it in him to look her in the eyes when he said. He preferred to keep in plastered to her yellow paint.
She didn't have anything to hold onto when she heard the news. She was standing in front of her bed. She silently tried to grasp the air in front of her before holding her center closely and taking a seat.
She took deep breaths. In and out. That's what she was supposed to do. She wasn't going to have a panic attack. Not now. Not when life was actually good.
Because it was her senior year. She was going to be in New York after she graduated. And she had Finn. (However long that would be didn't matter.) Quinn and her were… something. They at least talked. And though she wasn't exactly her friend – it was something.
And it felt alright.
And now Shelby had come in and began the tremors in a life that had perhaps been too good to be true. At least too good to last for long.
Jesse finally took his hands out of his pockets and moved to sit on her bed. Alongside her – but he still kept a certain distance. It was like he was scared to get too close, like she was too delicate and if he created contact, she would break. Maybe she would.
"I'm so sorry Rachel. I'm sorry I had to tell you. But I found out. And I didn't want you to just run into her. Not like last time. I wanted you to be prepared."
She can hear that he's trying to speak in that manly voice he puts up sometimes. He does it whenever he has a smug grin on his face. But his voice was broken. It came out in more of a whisper.
"Rachel? Are you okay?"
She wasn't sure. Was she okay? Was this just a test? Was this really happening right now? Or was this one of her nightmares? Like the ones of getting stuck in Lima, getting pregnant early from Finn and getting stuck in Lima, not getting accepted to Julliard and getting stuck in Lima, failing on Broadway and getting stuck in Lima, Quinn getting stuck in Lima.
It didn't feel real enough.
She felt like she was in between places. Like that feeling when you've just woken up. You don't know whether you're still asleep or if you're awake. And you can't really do anything. You're just stuck there. And everything just feels uncertain and your eyesight is foggy.
She finally feels Jesse wrap his arms around her, pulling her out of her state.
But she's awake.
And it's all too real as Jesse squeezes her softly and she can't help but cry into his arms. And he had to softly rub her back until her daddy comes up with a glass of water, telling Jesse to go home.
Her daddy tries to make her talk, but she won't. She stops crying after her fourth glass of water. And she still won't.
She lies on her bed, staring at the ceiling until he finally gives up and goes away, leaving a glass of water on her bedside table – just in case. And he stays in the doorway for a while just watching her until he finally has no choice but to go.
Rachel has no idea how long she just laid there.
At some point, Finn comes into her bedroom. And he's sitting beside her, saying something. But she can't really hear him. But she can tell that he's trying to be comforting and trying to understand, but how can he? He has no idea what it's like. He wasn't there for anything that happened with Shelby last time. And he never listened to the few times that she actually spoke about her.
But he takes her hand and holds it in his. And the way his giant, football- callused hands engulf her tiny ones, makes her wish that he could do that completely to her. Just completely surround her. And keep her safe.
And she wants to say it, what she wants. But her mouth is too dry and she doesn't know how to ask for that sort of thing. To ask for someone to protect her, to watch over her. Because what if they say no?
So she doesn't. And eventually he just shakes his head at her and goes away.
She has a day until she goes back to school. And she just stays in bed for the entire time. Except to get up and eat and go to the bathroom. Her daddy isn't home anyways, he has to work.
When she goes back to school on Monday, the whole glee club knows. She ends up being late to glee practice and everyone hushes immediately as she enters the choir room. She guesses it was Finn who told everyone considering he has the guilty look on his face.
He saved a seat for her, right next to him, but she sits instead on the far right corner of the room, away from everyone. Finn gives a sort of pleading look with his eyes, but does nothing more. The room remains quiet, even as Mr. Schue comes in clapping his hands, but stops as soon as he feels the tension.
"Guys? What's going on?"
After a few moments, Rachel finally stands up.
"Shelby Corcoran is back."
It takes him a few seconds to remember the name, but he immediately turns sympathetic and wants to say an apology to Rachel but she's already out of the choir room.
He looks around at the rest of the glee club members, who are a mix of emotions. He waves them off, dismissing them; they're not going to have glee practice today. Not that they need Rachel, they're used to her storming out and having to practice without her. But they're usually all unaffected.
He fails to notice that a certain blonde never even showed up to practice.
When Rachel finally gets home, both of her parents are home, at the same time. A rare sight. They don't allow her to go to her room and immediately make her sit down at the dinner table.
Rachel has no idea what they're planning to say. They already had a discussion about Shelby; she eventually told them about meeting her mother during her sophomore year. Her dad was furious while her daddy was just shocked.
She finally got the sense that they had no idea when they were sitting there for half an hour in just plain silence.
"Rachel." Her dad finally spoke up. The smaller man between the two of her fathers, Hiram. She looked up and met his eyes. But he wasn't angry this time. He just looks confused and scared.
"I know," was all she replied before getting up and going to her room.
It was okay for a while. The tension slowly went away; instead the glee club surrounded her with songs and dancing. It was a good distraction. And it worked. Things soon went back to normal.
If only Rachel wasn't distracted with her thoughts of Shelby, she would've noticed Quinn frequently missing practices and meetings.
After a month of nothing really happening, Rachel was okay for the most part. Distracted with thoughts daily, but she wasn't catatonic. And the rest of the glee club had pretty much lost the rest of the tension.
It wasn't until Jesse came into one of their practices, pale-faced, that the tremors began again.
He didn't even have to say anything. She knew that she was here.
She nodded before leaving the choir room and coming face to face with what looked to be herself, just worn with experience.
"Mom."
"Hi Rachel."
Words failed to come to Rachel, so Shelby took over most of the conversation. But Rachel could barely hear what she was saying.
There was a buzzing in her ears that seemed to be just growing louder and the hallways of McKinley were soon filled with the noise.
The lockers that surrounded them seemed to be pressing in towards them. The air in the hall became stuffy and hard to swallow.
"Rachel? Rachel?"
Shelby yelled at her as she fell to the ground, her lungs still attempting to suck in air.
The last thing she saw was Noah above her, but she couldn't really see his face. She felt his large arms wrap around her tiny body and then that was it.
When she woke up, she was in her own bed.
For a second, she believed that the whole thing was just a dream. The past month was just a horrible and terribly vivid dream.
But when she managed to finally sit up, Shelby was there at her bedside.
They had a conversation. About nothing. It was just small talk. Random, nonsense things. Rachel didn't feel like she had enough strength to talk about anything that was important and Shelby was just too afraid to push.
It went on like that for a week.
Rachel just stayed in bed; her meals were brought to her. Shelby came every day and just sat next to her. And they would attempt to speak to each other. And slowly, it became easier.
When Rachel finally got out of bed, she found that her fathers had taken a leave of absence from both of their jobs. They were home all the time now.
She went down when Shelby wasn't there, but she knew that her mom was going to come soon.
She waited on the couch for her mother. Both of her dads were in the kitchen, trying to silently speak to each other, while occasionally poking out their heads to check on her.
Finally the doorbell rang and both her dads ran for it. But Rachel was closer than and reached it first.
When she opened the door, her eyes couldn't meet Shelby's. They were met instead by light, hazel ones. She only let out a soft gasp before slamming the front door and running off to her room.
She heard the conversation ongoing downstairs between all of her parents.
She wrapped herself in her bed sheets and stared at the door, waiting for whoever it was next that would dare to walk though.
It was Shelby, of course. Somehow winning out an argument against the two of her fathers. But considering it is her mom, it's not too hard to believe. Even when the odds are against her.
"Rachel? Honey?"
She wants to gag at the sweet name. If she had the gag reflex to do it, she would.
"Rachel?"
"Don't."
"But you already knew."
Rachel wraps herself more tightly.
Of course she knew. It wasn't a secret adoption. It was made very clear to her. It was the last nail to peg in as Shelby came in and ruined all of her dreams of one day being reunited with her mother. All that she got was a woman who claimed that she could no longer be her mother, but instead was fit to nurture another.
It was okay to ignore. Rachel found herself slightly justified when ignoring it. Because everyone else was ignoring. The bare existence of her.
When the one person who should remember her, chose to ignore her as well, Rachel found it okay for her to do it as well. And he seemed to do the same, so it was only more set in stone. When the two people who cared for her the most seemed to forget about her, Rachel did as well.
But now she was here. And Rachel had seen her. And she couldn't ignore it.
Shelby waited there, looking for some sort of reply from Rachel. But she wasn't going to get one. Rachel couldn't even look at her now and eventually she heard a sigh, some footsteps, and her door silently shutting.
A week passed again, she went to school, but didn't participate in glee club. And she missed various practices. Though, she wasn't the only one, but it went unnoticed.
Shelby still came every day, but they no longer spoke. And now Rachel listened carefully for any sounds downstairs, occasionally hearing cries. It hurt even more that her fathers were down there watching over her while Shelby was up there with her.
One day, when Shelby was upstairs with her, she got up and went downstairs. Her mother carefully followed behind her.
She caught her fathers playing with her, stopping immediately once they spotted Rachel.
Looking carefully at the little girl, she had dirty blonde hair – a mix of both of her parents. She also had a Jewish nose, obviously from her father. Her lips were her own. But her eyes were hazel. They were so like the ones that she knew too well. But they were soft, never piercing.
Before Rachel knew what she was doing, she was picking the small girl up in her arms and rocking her back and forth.
She wasn't sure what had possessed her. But she felt like she needed to hold the small girl. Maybe it was just to prove even more to herself that she was real. What had been a repressed memory was now flesh and bone, smiling at her.
Beth Corcoran.
Rachel never saw the little girl, unlike the rest of her glee club members. She was the one who stayed behind and watched Vocal Adrenaline perform instead of waiting for her birth.
Holding her, she regretted it deeply now.
Around her were both her fathers and her surrogate mother all standing in the Berry living room. She was holding her mother's adopted child, who just happened to be the child of her classmates. The scene itself seemed like something from a soap on television.
The thought of it and just her situation made Rachel laugh. Truly laugh, which she hadn't done in so long. Eventually the entire room laughed along with her and surrounded her. And Beth was smiling up at her. And it felt alright.
Her family was completely messed up, but they were slowly trying to repair themselves. Her fathers became less hostile to Shelby. And Shelby and Rachel found it easier to talk and eventually began talking about the things that mattered.
And it was all because of Beth really.
Every single one of them loved her. And it brought them together.
You couldn't be mad when the little girl was in the room. Her fathers were in awe of her and Rachel wasn't even jealous, because she was as well.
But when things were good, it was only a matter of time before they got bad again.
Going back to glee practice, she finally noticed that she wasn't the only one who had been frequently missing practice. Quinn wasn't there.
The first few practices were fine, it didn't really bother Rachel. She was busy getting caught up on what she had missed – which really was barely anything; they could barely get anything done without her.
But after a week of not even seeing Quinn once, Rachel began to worry.
Not even in the hallways would she spot the blonde. And she knew the times of the day when they were supposed to pass each other going to class. And she knew that Quinn was in school because everyone else had seen her.
They all figured that Quinn was finally quitting glee club after her many threats of quitting.
But Rachel wasn't so easily fooled.
Glee club meant something to Quinn, whether she would admit it or not. And it wasn't like her to be missing practice. And now she couldn't even confront the girl about it because she never saw her.
She finally had enough of the blonde avoiding her and one day when she went to school, she went to Quinn's locker and sat there.
"Berry, what the hell are you doing?"
Rachel looked up to see Santana standing above her, arms crossed.
She quickly got to her feet, in order to not feel so small under Santana's glare.
"I was waiting for Quinn."
Santana rolled her eyes at her. "You're not going to find her if you wait right there."
"But-"
"She's probably already spotted you there and went off somewhere else."
"Why is she avoiding me?"
Santana tilted her head to the side and gave her a look that just said 'really?'
"You tell me."
Rachel crossed her arms defensively.
"If you don't even know what's wrong, how do you plan on talking to her?"
"I don't-"
"Look. I care about her as much as you do. But you can't help her."
"Why not?"
"Me and Brit both tried already. She isn't talking to anyone."
Rachel frowned at this news. How long had Quinn been like this?
"It's been like this for like two months now." Santana said, as if reading her mind.
Two months ago.
"Where is she?"
"Did you not hear anything I just said?"
"Santana, please."
"My guess would be the astronomy room."
Rachel nodded at her before heading off in that direction.
"Wait!" Santana called after her and ran to catch up to her. Rachel turned to face her, eyebrow raised.
"I just wanted to say good luck."
"Thank you Santana."
"Yeah, well don't get used it."
Santana sneered a little, but then her demeanor softened again before hugging Rachel tightly. "Please help her," was whispered into Rachel's ear and she could only nod dumbly back as Santana let her go. "Now go."
Quinn was in there just as Santana guessed.
Rachel saw her through the window on the door. The girl was seated in one of the desks, busy reading one of her textbooks.
She took a deep breath before entering and silently shutting the door behind her.
Quinn spoke with a monotone voice, "Sam, I told you to stop coming in-" Quinn had finally looked up to see that it was not Sam, but Rachel who was standing in front of the door – the only exit.
"What are you doing here Rachel?"
"I could ask you the same."
The two stared at each other for a moment. Rachel saw that the girl seemed vulnerable. The look in her eyes, she couldn't pinpoint it, but it was oddly familiar.
"Quinn."
"What do you want, Rachel?"
"I know."
Quinn only shook her head. "Know what?"
"I know what's going on with you."
"No you don't."
Rachel moved swiftly across the room to in front of Quinn's who quickly backed up and stood out of her chair.
"Just get out. Stay away from me."
"I know what you're going through."
"No you don't. Now leave."
Quinn refused to look at Rachel, instead focusing on the planet models floating above them.
Rachel wanted to reach out towards the girl, but she knew that she would only flinch again and further retreat.
"I'm not leaving."
"Fine. Then get out of my way, so I can."
"It's okay to be scared."
Quinn stopped at this. "I'm not scared."
Rachel heard Quinn's own voice betray her, coming out soft and strangled. "You don't have to pretend with me. I know what's wrong."
"Stop talking. Please stop talking." Quinn was pleading, still not looking at her.
"We can just talk about it." Rachel held out a hand for Quinn to take. But Quinn shook her head at it and backed away once more.
"There's nothing to talk about."
"You don't have to lie to me." She wants to tell her to not lie to herself either, but Quinn's already fighting back tears and gripping tightly onto the wooden shelf behind her.
"Quinn…"
"Rachel, I know you're trying to help. But please."
Rachel shook her head and stepped around the desk.
"She has your eyes."
Quinn's breath stopped at that. She finally looked at Rachel. She could clearly see the tears threatening to spill from her eyes. Eyes that were passed down.
"What?"
"Your eyes. She has them."
Quinn let out a sob and her tears silently fell afterwards. Her grip loosened from the shelves and instead her arms hung limply from her sides.
"She's so beautiful Quinn."
"No. Don't tell me anymore."
Rachel took a chance and moved forward again, wrapping her arms around the taller girl.
Quinn hesitated, but eventually returned the hug. She allowed herself to cry into the crook of Rachel's neck.
They stayed like that for a while. Quinn cried into Rachel and Rachel soothed her. Both never letting each other go.
When Quinn finally seemed out of tears she lifted up her head slowly and looked into Rachel's eyes.
"I can't Rachel."
Rachel wasn't sure what she was referring to anymore. Because it could be a multitude of things and perhaps she was speaking about all of them at once.
"Yes, you can."
Quinn tilted her head slightly forward, resting her forehead against Rachel's.
"Not now." When she spoke, their lips slightly brushed against each other.
"But you will."
Quinn didn't have a reply for her, but Rachel didn't really need one.
But she wanted one. She wanted one that didn't even need words. It was a reply that only required an inch of movement.
Their eyes were locked and they knew they were having the same thought.
Rachel took another chance and moved that inch, finally breaking the barrier between the two. One they had been building ever since they had met.
It was soft, in contrast to everyone else and in itself.
And then it ended. It was unsure whether it had lasted a few hours or a few seconds.
But that didn't matter.
They were still holding each other.
And it felt alright.