Stef stared into the bathroom mirror, her eyes scanning her face intently as if she were expecting to see someone else looking back at her. Instead of the person she half-expected, she saw the ever present blonde strands of hair, the intense–if not a little cloudy blue eyes, pink lips pressed into a thin line and pale flesh.
The blonde's eyes widened as her gaze started to travel downwards, her fingers lifting the hem of her tank top upwards only to reveal the mass of scarred flesh that would forever showcase the bullet that pierced her body. With steady fingers, she ran them gently over the raised scar tissue, idly wondering if she would ever be able to look at the wound without hearing the gunshots echo in her ears, feel the phantom pain of the bullet ripping through her skin and lodging itself in her body.
She poked and prodded at the wound site, glad to have come out of it relatively healthy but knowing that for as healed at the physical wound was, the mental one wouldn't be so easily vanquished.
That bullet had torn more than just her flesh apart and she was helpless to solve the many problems that had arisen. Lena could barely stand to look at the wound, her face always twisting into one of agonized realization; something that Stef hated to see and moreover hated to know she couldn't do a damn thing to prevent it.
Her job was eighty percent danger and twenty percent paperwork. Most days, the threat level was minimum, it was why she had lasted so long on the force with nothing more than a few stitches and bruises but that didn't mean that one day she wouldn't be faced with a gun again or might not come home at all.
Staring at the cicatrix, Stef only barely registered how close she had come to not coming home at all. She wanted to be fearful of the risks, to be able to say that, yeah, sometimes her job scared the hell out of her. But she was a cop and if she let that first sliver of fear and doubt into her mind she had no illusions that it would multiply and spread until she was fearful of every perp and every assignment.
So as much as she wanted to admit to the fear that hovered just above her like a haunting spirit, she couldn't quite manage it. Fear was just as debilitating as the wound that had put her job on hiatus. It could freeze her in her tracks and push the final nail into her coffin before she even realized it.
Stef knew on the most basic of levels that her lack of fear was a choice, a stark realization that she couldn't avoid, but it also meant that Lena and her would never quite see eye to eye on this matter.
From the moment they had gotten home Stef knew that Lena was filled with a fear that only those who were in relationships with someone in law enforcement knew. It was the fear of knowing that when their loved ones left for work in the morning, there was a strong possibility that they might not make it home.
Up until just a few weeks ago, Stef hadn't realized how ignorant to these risks Lena had been. It was as though Lena believed the blonde had spent most of her days behind a desk or handing out speeding tickets, maybe even acting as a meter maid.
But now that Stef's body was adorned with the pink buildup of scar tissue, a small bullet fragment lodged within her, Lena couldn't ignore what had been staring her in the face for years.
Stef was a cop and there would always be a chance that this situation could occur again; that Stef could be shot or stabbed and Lena would be spending days in the hospital waiting to see if she made it out alive.
Just as Stef started to re-inspect the healed wound, Lena came into the bathroom, causing the blonde to immediately drop the hem of her top.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you self-conscious" Lena muttered as she stared at her wife through the mirror.
"Well, I'm fine," the blonde responded, "I'm not the one who's bothered by it." Her tone coming out slightly more accusing that she would have liked. She knew that it was illogical to expect Lena to be okay with things, but the two were looking at this situation from different perspectives and had yet to see the other's side in things.
For Stef it was solely about acknowledging the result of the shooting and moving on. Hesitation and fear did her nor her job any good so she pushed those unwanted feelings to the back of her mind and resigned herself to the risks of her job. She wanted to protect people and in order to do that she had to come to grips with the fact that she may get hurt in the process.
"I'm not bothered by it, it's just..." Lena trailed off, busying herself with fixing her hair as she tried to voice what had been bothering her since she first set eyes on Stef in that hospital bed, "it's a constant reminder, you know?"
And it was. No matter how vehemently Lena told herself that Stef was okay, she couldn't see that scar and not flash back to the moment where she almost lost the woman she loved. To go from seeing Stef as this strong and resilient woman to a pale and weak looking one with a gunshot in her abdomen was nothing short of earth shattering.
Her world was suddenly off its axis and she had no idea how to right it. Lena had always known, somewhere in the back of her mind, that Stef's job wasn't as safe as hers was; that there were risks. But up until recently it had never really hit her; it was almost like there had been blinders on her eyes that had only just been removed. Now, she couldn't help but feel the fear that seized her heart when she saw that bright scar tissue, she couldn't help but cringe a little and want to tie Stef to the bed to keep her from going to work—to keep her safe and alive for as long as possible.
"I do," Stef said softly, still not meeting Lena's eyes as she continued her nightly routine.
"It's not just that, it's..." Lena continued to fiddle with her hair, struggling to voice the many fears that seemed to plague her. "You'll probably be going back to work soon and it makes me..."
"I know," the blonde said quickly, cutting off the words she knew would tumble from her partner's lips. "I can't stay home forever, love," she said definitively, only meeting Lena's eyes through the mirror for a moment before leaving the bathroom; unable to have this conversation again.
Lena stood in the bathroom, staring despondently at Stef's retreating figure in the mirror, wondering if they would ever be able to move past this bump–albeit large bump–any time soon.
"All I know is I'm glad she's coming back to work next week," Stef overheard being said to Lena as she walked into the room, a look of pure shock on her face as she readied herself for her soon-to-be wife's anger.
A moment of silence settled between the three women before Stef decided to bite the metaphorical bullet and try to explain herself, "I was waiting until after the wedding to tell you."
Lena could only stare at the blonde before excusing them and dragging her fiancée away, a look of mild determination on her face as she did so.
The door slammed shut and Stef was backed up against the wall, her shock only magnifying as her partner started to unbutton her shirt hastily. "Wh-what are you doing? Lena, what are you…" the blonde questioned urgently, completely bewildered as to what was happening.
Sure, she had expected some backlash about going back to work but in no way did she expect Lena to pull her into a room and start ripping her shirt open.
And then Lena's hand was gently, hesitantly, moving towards Stef's scar. Her fingers covered the marred flesh, a shuddering breath leaving the darker woman's lips as she let the weight that had been settled on her shoulders finally lift.
Today, she was going to marry the woman before her. By doing so, she needed to come to terms with everything that encompassed Stef. Her brass attitude, her sometimes filterless mouth, her faults, her job, the bullet wound and the dangers of her work.
It wasn't easy to accept but Lena didn't have many options. Stef was a cop through and through and asking her to give it up would have been like asking the blonde's heart to stop beating; it just wasn't a feasible request. Because while Lena was sure that Stef loved her more than her job, she couldn't be selfish and ask her to give it up and instead work a job that made her miserable all so Lena could sleep easy at night.
No, Lena was going to marry Stef and that meant coming to terms with the fact that Stef might not always come home unharmed, and in the worst case scenarios, the ones she didn't like to think about but had been floating around her mind constantly as of late, that her fiancée might not come home at all.
But love and marriage means accepting your partner for who they are; faults and all. And while it still scared the hell out of her to think of something bad happening to Stef, she could make her peace with things and hope that she would have the forever she was being promised today.
Stef might be coming home a little battered and beaten, but at least she would be coming home to Lena.
So if marrying Stef meant marrying the uniform, Lena could do that because no matter how much the fear nagged her subconscious, no matter the nightmares that had her snapping out of sleep and breathing raggedly, Stef would be there to wrap her in a tight embrace and soothe her fears.
One day, Stef might not be there to offer comfort, but it would be a cold day in hell when Lena let that happen. Today, they would be saying their vows and setting in stone their unity and promise of forever and Lena had no doubt that she would be holding Stef to that promise.
So Lena could make peace with the reminder of how close she got to losing Stef, she could see the scar tissue and remember not only that she nearly lost the only person who seemed to complete her, but it was also a reminder of how resilient the blonde was and also that Stef was still alive. Her heart still beat soundly beneath her breast, her skin was still warm to the touch and her place was still by Lena's side.
"I'm making my peace with it," Lena said proudly, almost defiantly as she stared Stef in the eye. "If I'm going to marry you, I'm going to marry all of you."
"The scar, the bullet, and the cop," her voice cracked as she muttered the words but her gaze never left Stef's, silently reinforcing that she was in this no matter what.
And Stef could only stare at Lena, tears clouding her blue eyes as she let the words wash over her; offering an absolution she didn't quite know she was desperately craving.
For Stef, her job was a large part of who she was but Lena was her world. She could function without her job or the uniform, but without Lena her world was off kilter and blanketed in darkness. So to have Lena accept that part of her, despite the risks it carried, was nothing short of heart stopping. It only solidified what Stef had long ago realized; that she was head over heels in love with Lena.
"I love you," Stef whispered, emotion dripping from the three words as she tried to convey just how much she loved the woman before her.
"I love you, too," Lena responded just as earnestly, their problems long forgotten in favor of their declarations and the momentous occasion that was soon to follow.
"Forever," Stef whispered genuinely as she held out her hand for her fiancée to grab, her other hand grasping the doorknob of the closed door.
Lena nodded slightly and placed her hand into Stef's awaiting one, "Forever," she repeated before following the blonde out the door and towards the ceremony that would cement their promise.