Confused feelings

The sun shined brightly. It was the hottest day for a while now. I looked over at my best friend. He had his gaze at the water below us and carefully licked his ice cream. I couldn't help feeling a little envious. My ice cream was long away eaten and Ken still had about half of it left. His lips softly touched the ice cream and I quickly looked away. I didn't want to be caught staring at my friends lips, again.

"What's wrong Davis?"

Obviously, I had been caught up with my own thoughts again. I rushed my head, quickly faking a smile.

"It's a real hot day today, isn't it?" I said changing the subject.

"Want to find a less sunny place?" Ken asked.

I shrugged and stood up on the bridge over the water.

"We could always bath?"

"Here?"

"If you want to?"

Ken looked back at the river.

"I'm not sure if you're supposed to bath here." He said finally.

I just smiled at that. Ken was always like this. Always doing what was right. Maybe that was what made us compliment each other so perfectly. I never thought too much about things, I mostly did what I felt for. And that's what I did now.

I took his soft hand in mine and started running down the stairs with him next to me. I didn't stop until we were inches from the water.

"Davis, I really don't think.."

His next words were lost when I without warning jumped into the river. The water was pretty low but still covered me up to the waist. I could feel the water cooling my body.

"Davis, your clothes?.."

I just laughed at that and hold my hand out to him.

"It'll dry in seconds in this heat. Come on Ken, are you really going to let me bath alone?"

Ken looked at me sceptically and I could see no intentions of coming into the water with me. Again, I did not think. Instead of respecting my best friends decision, I started splashing water at him until I heard a bounce right next to me in the water. I looked up and saw Ken next to me, just as soaked as I was myself. With a grin he pushed me down and I got below the surface.

"Now we're even" He said with a kind smile when I rose up. I couldn't help but return the smile.

Ken is the best friend you could ask for. He's kind, caring and always finds a way to be with you. We hang out all the time, before school, after school, in school, at soccer practice, always. Still it isn't enough. Nothing is enough. No matter how much time we spend together it is never enough. I always have this hard feeling when it is time to say good bye. I always watch him walk away with a sting in my chest.

"What's wrong?"

He looked worried. I must have showed some of the feelings I had. Once again I faked a smile.

"Just a bit tired. Should go to bed early, haven't gotten too much sleep lately."

That was actually true. Every time I tried to sleep I just got lost in thoughts. Or rather feelings. It wasn't like me to think that much. But I just couldn't help it. I used to go over the day, what had happened, and what could have happened..

His beautiful blue eyes were now eying me worriedly. He put his slender, cold fingers at my forehead.

"You're warm Davis, you're sure you're okay?"

With this I only got warmer, and I knew why. It was only weeks ago I'd started to suspect that my oddly behavior the past months had something to do with the beautiful boy in front of me. And even though I was not yet convinced that I was really in love, I could not but help blush when I felt his touch.

"I'm fine." I said moving his hand away from my face and looking away from him. Not meeting his eyes I added. "It's probably time for you to head back home, don't you think?"

"Probably." He answered but didn't took his eyes away from me. I could feel his gaze but did not answer it. I needn't be more flustered than I already was.

"Good bye Davis, sleep well." He said finally giving me the usual good bye smile that always filled my belly with butterflies.

"Bye." I answered trying to respond his smile but failed. Luckily this must have missed Ken as he just turned around and left, making me feel even worse.

I bounced at my bed. My hair still a bit wet from before. As usual I went over the things that had happened. I smiled faintly as I remembered taking Ken home to my place to change. There was no way I would take off my clothes in front of him and going here was the only option if I wanted to change into some dry clothes. He on the other hand seemed perfectly fine with walking around the empty apartment with only a towel wrapped around his waistline until his own clothes dried. Luckily he was too focused on the TV-game we were playing to notice my hungry look after him.

Okay, I know it's pretty silly of me to not admit I like him. But what am I supposed to do about it anyway? He is a guy, and he is my best friend, not really the best qualifications. Sure, the "guy thing" is probably just for me to get used to. I thought I'd liked Kari back then, but that was probably just an excuse for me to focus on something else. I'd never really found any interest in girls, and the first person I've ever loved was most definitely a guy. The biggest problem was the best friend thing. I wouldn't risk this friendship for anything, not anything. He means the world to me and I wouldn't want to scare him away. I've not even been able to tell him I'm gay. Even though I want to and need to. Every time I try to say it the image of us together pops up which makes me flustered and nervous. I'm scared he will find out about my feelings for him if I tell him.

A door slammed. It was probably Jun, my older sister. Sometimes I thought I should talk to her, maybe she, who is older, could offer any advice. This thought always disappeared when I caught her eyes and she immediately starts teasing me. She could not be trusted. I've got to solve this on my own. And soon, very soon. I could not hide my feelings for much longer. I changed to my pajamas and went to bed. I'd thought this over and over, never finding a good solution. Therefore, I should stick with "I'm not at all in love with my best friend"-lie, it wasn't easy – but what choice did I have?

I walked in to the empty apartment, not expecting to find it otherwise. Officially, I lived with my parents, unofficially I did not. They were never at home, always staying the night someplace else, only daring to show up in rare special occasions. I didn't mind though. I know they only mean well and if being away from me makes it easier for them to get over it, it's all fine by me.

Actually, I quite like being alone. Or rather, I quite like them being away. I don't mind company, if it's good company. My mind immediately runs off to a certain guy. I lay back at my bed. This is why it's good not having parents around. It's hard enough hiding my feelings all day, I wouldn't make it trying to hiding them at home as well.

My hand unconscionably wanders over to phone. I find it immediately. The picture of us two, and our way too cute digimons. It was during that time when I was happy enough just being his friend. When I still lived with my parents, even unofficially. During the time wormmon was the only one to know the real me. I sighed as I gave him a sleepy smile.

"Is something bothering you Ken?" He answered.

"I'm just tired." That sounded familiar. My mind returned to the brunette. It was lucky he was so oblivous, today I was really close to reveal everything. Being in the water with him, going to his house to change.. It could've been worse I guess. He changed alone in his room when I could wrap myself up in the bathroom. He had offered me to borrow clothes but I declined. His clothes look good at "him" but on me.. I'd just looked plain stupid. I don't want that. Luckily I got to chose and he didn't seem to think anything about it. '

It was tiring hiding my feelings all day. I was glad that when it came to love, wormmon seemed to be blind. I know I was talking in my sleep and I could openly talk about Davis in front of him, but he never suspected anything. What if Davis could be like that? What if I could hold his hand without him feeling me getting warmer, if I could hug him without him feeling my heartbeat or kissing him without him knowing I like him.

It was digiworld day. I truly, truly loved digiworld day. It was much, much easier to hide my feelings there, or at least it used to be.

All the chosen children tried to at least met once a week here so their digimons could play. I looked at V-mon. It must be hard for him to be away of his home all week only coming here once a week, not that I'd ever heard him complain.

"Davis?"

It was Ken. He sat next to me with his head leaned against the tree. He looked especially cool today. His blue hair lay over his closed eyes. He opened them slowly looking directly at me.

"Did you bring your swimming trunks today?"

I nodded. I knew why he asked. Everyone around us had already changed leaving me and Ken the only one still in regular clothes. Miyako had begged us to join them a while ago when I could still say I didn't want to. Now, with sweat all over me, that wasn't an excuse. I wanted nothing more than to jump into that beatiful blue ocean. The problem was that I was nervous. I felt like Ken was watching my very step and I was afraid if I changed in this state I might as well drop the towel while changing. Therefore I had to calm my nerves first.

"I thought you were going to challenge Takeru in swimming?"

"Yeah.. I guess I could wait a bit for that."

"You can't, he looks like he's about to get up."

"Well then, maybe I could compete against you?" I said without thinking. Was there someone who could definitely beat me in swimming it was Ken, since he practically beat me in everything. Still, it didn't look like Ken was having any interest whatsoever in bathing so this might be the only chance to see him in swimming trunks. I blushed at that thought, turning around to wait for his answer.

"Well, why not?"

He took his bag and left. This was my chance. I found my swimming trunks in no time and changed faster than I've ever done before. It was lucky I was fast 'cause Ken was just returning wearing dark blue trunks in the same shade as his hair. He looked absolutely stunning. His body was so white and thin. He looked so fragile and at the same time so hot.. Time to get into the water! I outrunned him and jumped without hesitation into the water splashing at Takeru who was just getting up.

"Hey Davis, finally joining us?" Miyako teased.

"Yeah, I'm about to have a competition with Ken."I answered smiling brightly.

"Come on then Davis." Ken said with a cute smile.

"Ay."

I got up from the water standing next to Ken on the cliff.

"Okay, first to the isle over there?"

"Sure."

We stood next to each other both focused on the goal. Kari had offered to count for us and as she screamed "go" I felt my feet lifting and diving into the sea with Ken right behind me. When we started swimming I could feel him by my side. He was getting ahead. I am stronger, I know it. But as usual, he got way better technique and since that's mostly what swimming is about I was falling behind. I didn't want to lose. I really wanted to show off. Both for him and for myself. I closed my eyes and started swimming like my life depended on it. I kicked my legs harder and harder. I was now next to Ken. I kicked a little harder, skipped breathing to win time and without a warning I felt a huge pain spreading through my body as I bounced my head hard against the cliff and everything went blank.

He was getting ahead of me. I knew he would. He's much stronger than me and in swimming you really need your strength. I put my hand on the cliff and looked up to see where Davis was. To my horror he was nowhere to be seen. I put my swimming glasses back on and looked down in the water. The sight truly made my heart skip a beat. His body were slowly falling down through the water. I dived down with no thinking. I had rescued a doll once, in PE. But it was lots different with a human. My heart beated faster than ever and I stopped thinking. I don't really know how, probably all thanks to the adrenaline pumping in me, I got him up on the cliff. I crawled up myself and sat next to him. He wasn't breathing. He still wasn't breathing. I felt panic dwelling up in me. The others were too far away to know what was happening, it was all up to me. I clearly knew what to do and my body just seemed to do it for me.

"Phu!" I had my lips pressed against his when Davis finally spit out the water filling his lungs. The sudden movement almost made me shout in surprise. I put an arm around his shoulders holding him up as he coughed. I didn't else know what to do. He had his eyes half open and I felt a shiver through his body.

"Davis. Are you alright?" I asked with trembling voice. He rubbed his forehead slowly.

"Think so." His voice was shaky.

"What happened?"

"Must've hit my head." He said trying to open his eyes.

"Lay down, I'll swim back and tell the others what happened so we can help you get home."

I stood up ready to head back when I felt a hand taking mine, dragging me back.

"Don't go." Davis looked at me pleadingly. His brown eyes looked a bit scared. I sat next to him again.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't feel good. Don't leave me here."

He cuddled up next to me. I could feel his breathing at my neck when he leaned his head carefully at my shoulder. If it wasn't for what happened earlier I would've blushed. Now I just froze. I was scared and relieved at the same time. I would've felt a lot better if I could get him in bed at home, but I knew I couldn't leave him. It could take a while before they got over here, they might just think we rested here for a while or something.

"Ken.."

"Hmm."

"What did you.. do?"

His voice was questioning and I couldn't help but blush when I understand what he meant.

"I was just giving you CPR. You weren't breathing!" I said flustered.

He sat up looking at me. Looking a bit.. disappointed?.

"Oh."

He looked at the ground not saying anything more. I didn't know what to say either. We sat like that for a long time before he finally opened his mouth again.

"Thank you".

At this I couldn't help looking up at his face and meet his eyes. He was so serious. He was nothing like the Davis I used to know. Maybe the nearly death accident really made an impact on him.

"You don't have to thank me. You've saved my life endless of times in the past.."

Davis didn't really seem happy.

"But how did you make sure I wasn't going to drag you down the water with you?"

"You were unconscious." I answered not exactly sure what this was leading up to.

"You saved my life. And it was all because I wanted to win so badly I didn't watch where I was going. I feel ashamed.."

This caught me completely by surprise. Davis was looking at the ground cheeks red and looking very guilty.

"Davis, it's not like I'm hurt or anything.."

"You had to perform CPR on me!"

I immediately felt my cheeks turning a shade of red and my heart beating faster.

"As I said before.. you were not breathing.. you wouldn't have made it.. I was afraid.."

I cursed my nerves. My voice wouldn't listen to me and I fell silent. I could feel the fright from before getting to me. I was so scared then and I did not know if I was about to laugh or cry now that the feeling was slowly releasing, hopefully neither since both would just make me look stupid.

"Anyway, we're best friends, right? Of course I'll save you." I said mostly to fill the awkward silence, which wasn't like me at all.

Davis looked at me but said nothing. Maybe we were both exhausted from what happened and just needed some rest for everything to go back to normal. Maybe..

It had now been a week since I almost drowned. I could still feel his lips on mine and every night I dreamed of him rescuing me. It drove me crazy. How could I have been that stupid?! I ran faster, looking like I'm just trying to catch the ball but really trying to run away from my own thoughts. Soccer used to make me forget about my problems, yeah it used to, not working any more. Especially not when the center of my thoughts is the one running next to me trying to get the ball from me.

Ever since that day everything has felt weird. We had not once talked about what happened to the isle again. Well, truthfully nothing had happened, but still it felt like something had. Before that I had been completely content with the relationship we had. Sure, I wouldn't mind being even closer but I had never wanted him as much as I did now.

Looking at him was I pain. Seeing the beautiful body, the waving dark blue hair, his irresistible lavender colored eyes.. All that could not be mine. He could not be mine. The thought felt like pain in my chest and I closed my eyes.

"Motomiya?! What are you doing?!"

I stopped and opened my eyes. My trainer didn't look too happy. Well, neither was I.

The changing room was empty but me and Davis. I always changed into my regular cloths really fast and showered at home instead of trying to catch a shower from a bunch of sweaty guys, let's say I'd rather stink than shower with all of them. Anyhow I always ended up waiting for Davis who was very slow in both showering and changing. Today he seemed even slower, a bit distant.

"Do you want me to go ahead?" I asked him.

He nodded. It was a suprise. Ever since we became friends I'd always waited for him.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, if you go home and shower I'll catch up with you in a while."

He didn't look at me and I felt slightly confused and unsure of what to do. In the end I did as he asked me and left.

He had been acting strange ever since that day at the digital world. It was like something had changed. It must have been a "nearly death exprerience" that shocked him, that's what made him act strange. But somewhere in my mind I had the feeling it wasn't that at all. Something told me it had anything to do with me. I kept recalling that day to figure out what was wrong.

I kept thinking about how he had asked me about the CPR, how anxious he had sounded. Then it hit me. That was it. He felt uncomfortable by me doing that to him. I can still remember his eyes open just as my lips touched his. They were frozen with shock.

I put on the water and let it flow over my body. It didn't matter how warm the water was, I was freezing, and it had nothing to do with the water. He felt intimidated by me doing that to him, that's what it was all about. But I only did it to save his life, I had been so scared that day. Scared of losing him, my best friend, my secret love. And in the end, I'm still losing him as my friend.

I walked out of the shower slowly. He should have been here by now. It didn't take that long for him to walk here and he'd been almost finished when I left. Maybe, the thought hit me as a lightning ball, maybe he wasn't coming.

I stood at his apartment door not sure what to do. I wanted to win time. Time to do what? Think? I'd thought this over way to many times now. I knew I couldn't go on like this, not after "almost kiss" as I used to call it. It was impossible for me to be near him, he was starting to get suspicous. He kept looking at me with that weird look, like something was wrong. He probably knew what it was all about, but didn't want to hurt me by telling his feelings.

Still, not being near him was even worse. It felt like something was missing. Something big, important. My friend. My best friend. Ken.

Therefore I was now standing still in the hallway, unsure of what to do. If I knocked on the door I would either have to try to pretend nothing was wrong which was almost impossible or I would tell him how I felt and my friendship with him was most likely to end today. I could also head home, leaving him here and never talk to him again. That way I wouldn't have to make a fool about myself neither would I have to tell him I like him. But in that way I would've also already lost.

I was just in the middle of a new speculation which wasn't any better than the past when the door suddenly opened. It caught me completely of shock and instead of running away (as I wanted) I could only stand still and look at the boy in front of me, terrified of what was going to happen next.

"Davis? What are you doing here?"

Davis only looked at me, looking totally terrified. I felt a knot in my stomach as he looked away.

"Are you going to come in?" I asked trying to keep my voice clear.

He didn't respond and was still not looking at me.

"If you're not going to come in I want you to leave. I can't have you standing here with no purpose."

I sounded irritated but I was scared. I was scared he would leave at my words, so scared I could feel my hands shaking and I started to feel dizzy.

"I don't want to leave." He said suddenly.

"Then come on in." I said almost pleading.

He didn't rush to the fridge like he always used to. He just.. stood there. I didn't know if I should feel scared or angry of his behaviour at me. I wanted to know what was going on, and I also didn't. But the way he looked at the floor, I could feel I had already lost him. And as tears starting heating up in my eyes I didn't worry about him not returning my feelings, but me losing my best friend.

"I'm sor..ry." I said, my voice broke. I didn't know what to say. I didn't intend to cry in front of him. I didn't intend to do anything. But the silence, the silence just killed me. I felt like I couldn't breath, like there was nothing good left to live for.

Then he looked at me. I knew I was crying now and I couldn't stand meeting his eyes. I took a step back not knowing what to do or say.

"Why are you crying?" He asked quietly. I could feel him getting closer. I felt the smell of his newly washed hair, the warmth of his body and the closeness of him when he stood just inches away from me.

"I didn't thought you would mind.. I was only trying to save your life.. I was afraid you were dying. I was so afraid.." My voice broke again.

"What are you talking about?"

"You are angry about me doing CPR on you! You feel disgusted by me touching your lips!"

When I said that I couldn't help looking at him. My cheeks a bit red and my face wet from crying. His gaze totally surprised me.

"No I'm not. Not at all." He answered quietly. Our eyes met and I saw nothing of the disguist I'd expected. The only thing I saw was love.

Before I could respond to that I felt his hand on my cheek. He leaned in slowly and before I could register what was happening he kissed me.

The kiss was shy. I had never kissed anyone before in my life and I simply put my lips against his, feeling his soft lips pressing against mine. He didn't push me away neither did he say anything when I looked him in the eyes again. Those beautiful blue eyes. I couldn't help but blush.

I took him in my arms and hugged him. He didn't push me away and since I had lost my voice ever since I came here I thought it might be better to try and show him I loved him by my actions.

"Davis?.."

"Mm.." I managed to answer. He smelled so good. I put my nose in his hair wanting more.

"Davis I think I love you."