Home Improvement
How many people does it take to change a light bulb?
Joe Hardy stared at the ceiling light thought fully. It was right above the computer desk, and, unfortunately it had burned out. He then walked into the kitchen and grabbed a light bulb. He walked back into his room and then climbed on top of the computer chair.
Home improvement Rule One: Never stand on a chair with wheels to change a light bulb. It does not work.
Joe had not even stood up all the way before the chair rolled out from under him and he ended up on the floor.
"What the hell was that?"
His twin sister, Izzie, who had the room next to his had heard the thump. She had come to see what was up.
"I was trying to change a light bulb… but it didn't go so well."
Joe then pointed to the ceiling. Izzie rolled her eyes.
"Nice. I'll help you. I've got a commercial break."
Izzie had been watching a CSI marathon.
She then took the light bulb from Joe and was about to stand on the chair.
"Uh, Iz, I don't think-"
BOOM
She had fallen off of the chair, only more dramatically. Joe couldn't help but laugh.
"Damned high ceilings. And you fell off the chair yourself!"
Home improvement Rule Two: Payback sucks ass.
Grumbled Izzie as she got to her feet.
"Okay…lift me onto your shoulders."
Joe then promptly stopped laughing.
"What?"
Izzie got to her feet and crossed her arms across her chest.
"Well, since we have high ceilings, and we are both on the short side, we can't reach the ceiling without standing on something. And since your computer desk is covered in crap and we already tried the chair, we are going to try this. Now, get down like you are going to give me a piggy back ride."
Joe simply shrugged and got down. The damned light was annoying him…
"Okay."
Izzie then climbed onto his back and managed to get onto his shoulders, Joe was just getting to his feet when-
"What ARE you two doing?"
Frank had heard Izzie's boom and had come to either help them with their current task or yell at them. Unfortunately he had scared both Joe and Izzie and caused Joe to drop Izzie.
'Damn it, Frank! We were so close that time…"
Frank just shook his head as his two younger siblings got to their feet.
"What were you two trying to do?"
In unison, Joe and Izzie pointed to the burnt out ceiling light and said,
"Change a light bulb."
Frank looked at the twins as if they were crazy.
"It takes two of you to-"
Izzie then angrily cut him off-
"Well since we can't reach the ceiling…"
Frank sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Here, allow me."
He then took the light bulb from Izzie and started to get onto the computer chair.
"NO! Wait, Frank-"
BOOM
Izzie had tried to stop Frank, but unfortunately he also fell off of the computer chair.
Both Izzie and Joe then started laughing.
"God, we tried to warn you…but…spoon."
Both Frank and Joe looked at Izzie as if she was crazy.
"Spoon?"
"Must be the head trauma talking."
The three siblings turned to the doorway to see Joe's girlfriend, Iola Morton, standing there smirking.
"Head trauma?"
Asked Joe in shock.
Iola rolled her eyes.
"Yep. Your twinsie over here has cracked her head open, got a concussion; just plain hurt her head, three times. And counting."
Frank looked at Iola as if she was crazy, while Izzie just smiled sheepishly.
"Where were we when this happened?"
Iola leaned against the doorframe and began to tell them of Izzie's various head accidents.
"Well, the first time was right after Callie, Izzie, and I finished a case in Florida. You guys were wrapping up a case in Chicago. We were going back to our friend Gloria's house, where we were staying. Since Izzie is an insomniac, she hadn't slept for a while and fell asleep in our friend's Summer and Autumn -yea they are sister's-car. They decided to carry Iz in since she hardly ever slept for long periods of time, if she slept at all. So, Autumn got her legs and Summer got her arms. This worked cause Iz is such a hard sleeper. They were doing pretty good, but half way up the driveway our friend Eric asked Summer a question. Summer isn't very bright, and she always talks with her hands, so she let Izzie's arms go to talk with her hands to answer the question. She then hit her head on the pavement. She cracked her head open and our friends and I spent the rest of the night in the ER."
Joe smacked himself on the forehead.
"I remember Summer and Autumn. Autumn was a geniuses, but not as hot as Summer. Summer was hot, but an idiot. Both very nice though."
Iola rolled her eyes. She was used to Joe by now, and wouldn't have loved him as much if he didn't always make comments about various people.
"The second time was just as funny. Callie, Izzie, and I were working on a smuggler case in California. Autumn and Summer were there to, along with our friends Eric, his older brother Anderson, and their little brothers Ryan and Duncan. Gloria was there also. Gloria, Callie, and I were suppose to go to a bar and get dates with some of the younger smugglers while Anderson, Eric, Ryan, Duncan, and Izzie fallowed another lead. We had messed up really bad. Don't ask how or why, and Izzie was letting us have it. We were staying at the brother's house and they had a really old kitchen table made out of cheap wood. Izzie went to bang her hand on the table. But when she did she fell right through the table! She scratched her face while going down, and then banged her head really bad when she tried to get up. That one had a lot of blood…."
Everybody just looked at Izzie in shock. Izzie just smiled a bit.
"Then, the last time was the funniest. Once again, we were investigating a case with Summer, Gloria, and Autumn. We were hunting for treasure in an old mansion, and we were looking for the attic. We were sure the attic had pull down stairs. Izzie was frustrated so she yelled "WHERE THE FUCK IS-" But she never finished her question, because she stopped her foot. She stopped so hard that it shook the house. Apparently Izzie was actually standing under the pull down staircase that leads to the attic. The staircase then came down and hit Izzie in the head. We hadn't even realized that she was hurt until five minutes later when Summer said, "Uh, guys, why is Izzie laying in read paint?" Obviously the paint was her blood."
Frank and Joe just stared at the two girls as Izzie smiled proudly and Iola shook her head.
"Okay…we now know why Iz can be so stupid. But my light bulb still has not been changed."
Izzie rolled her eyes.
"Durrrrrr."
Iola then sighed and silently grabbed the light bulb from Frank. She then went to do what all three had done.
Stand on the goddamn chair and wheels.
The three siblings busted up laughing hysterically. Iola just glared at them.
"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. Come on Iz; let's leave these idiots to be idiots. How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days is on channel 356."
Izzie smiled.
"Alright. Although there is a CSI marathon on…but since Joe and Frank seem to find humor in our mistakes I guess they don't need our help…"
"Nooooooo."
Joe then tackled Iola and Izzie to the ground as they went to leave the room.
"What the heck are you three doing?"
Said Callie Shaw as the three rolled around on the floor, Joe trying to keep Izzie and Iola from leaving.
"Changing a light bulb."
Callie looked to the doorway of Joe's room to see her boyfriend watching his younger siblings and Iola fake fight on the floor.
"They need to roll around on the floor to change a light bulb?"
Frank sighed at Callie's skeptical look.
"Apparently."
The three then stopped fighting.
"Oh, hey Cal. What are ya' doing here?"
Said Izzie as she finally worked her way out of Joe's grip.
"I stopped by cause Iola said that we were invading your house so we could watch T.V. since Chet and Mr. Morton took over Iola's TV for football and my little bro took over ours for the same football game."
Callie helped Iola to her feet and the group headed back into Joe's room.
"So, you four are just trying to change a light bulb?"
Iola, Izzie, Frank, and Joe nodded.
Callie then took the light bulb from Iola, and did the famous action.
"CALLIE! NO DON'T-"
Screamed Izzie, but it was too late.'
DUN DUN DUN!
Callie then-no she did not fall off the chair-the chair broke.
Hysterical laughter filled the room. Even Callie was laughing. After the laughing had died down Frank helped Callie to her feet.
"Well, I guess I was the straw that broke the camels back."
"No kidding, Cal."
Said Iola as she looked down at the chair, which was now in two pieces, with a smile.
"What in the? Why is the computer chair broken?"
Callie, Iola, Frank, Joe, and Izzie turned towards the door to see Chet Morton standing, looking at the broken computer chair.
"Well, you see Joe was-"
" I don't even wanna know, Iz. I don't even wanna know."
Izzie just shrugged her shoulders.
"Whateva. All's I know is that I'm missing CSI, my Mountain Dew is getting flat slash warm, and that this is taking way too long. Let's just change this goddamn light bulb and get on with our lives!!!"
The group stared at Izzie in shock.
"Oh-Kay. Nice motivational speech, Iz-o-la. Since the whole ' Izzie get on my back thingie' didn't go so well, why don't Frank get down on his knees and Chet can get down on his knees next to him. Now, since we have dome-ish ceilings that still don't work. BUT if Callie and I get on top of their backs, and Iz gets on top of ours will we be tall enough. Then Iola can hand the light bulb to me, and I can pass it to Iz and bingo!"
Callie raised her eyebrows.
"So basically you want us to make a human primed, act like cheerleaders, and then change a light bulb?"
Everybody exchanged skeptical glances.
"Gosh, Cal. Must you apply logic…"
"Well somebody has to. And it's obvious we can't let you do it."
Everybody but Joe snickered at Callie's cleverness.
"Whatever, Shaw. Let's just change this goddamn light bulb, and get going."
Callie rolled her eyes.
"Sure, but if we die I'm blaming you."
"How can you blame me if you're dead-"
"WILL YOU TWO QUIT!"
Screamed Izzie in frustration. If you think sibling rivalry is bad, try older brothers girlfriend and younger brother rivalry.
"If you two don't shut up I am going to kidnap Iola and got watch CSI, or, since it takes six of us idiot's to change a light bulb in under two days maybe I'll be forced to watch paid programming since EVERYTHING ELSE WILL BE OVER!"
Rule Number Three of home improvement: Never keep Izzie from her T.V., chocolate, mountain dew, or anything else related.
"OH-Kay, Iz don't kill Joe. Cal, don't confuse Joe. Joe, stop being an idiot."
Joe then innocently batted his eyelashes at Iola.
"But you think I'm a sexy idiot."
She smiled seductively.
"Yeah…A very sexy idiot."
Izzie rolled her eyes.
"God, this is like an episode of that 70's show. All's we need is the weird clothes, music, a foreign guy, a stack of playboy magazines, and pot in our basement. Not to be confused with Iola's basement."
All boys' heads popped up about Izzie's comment about Iola's basement and pot.
"Yep, I can see it now. Chet would be Fez, Joe would be Kelso, Frank would be Forman, Tony who is MIA can be Hyde, Iola would be Jackie, Callie would be Donna, and Izzie would be Laurie."
Iola smiled wickedly as she said this while Callie laughed.
Frank glared at the three girls'.
"So I'm the weak loser-"
"-Who is dating Donna. Who is Callie."
Izzie said with a roll of her eyes. Joe smiled.
" I can deal with being Kelso. He sure as hell ain't bright, but he has a nice love life…"
Joe scooted towards Iola who smiled.
"But in the season finale Jackie ends up with-"
"MY GOD CAN WE CHANGE THE LIGHTBULB?!?!"
"What are you guys doing?"
The group of six looked to the doorway, yet again. There stood Tony.
"Oh, hey…were trying to change a light bulb while discussing what character we are most like from That 70's show."
Answered Izzie with a sweet smile. Chet rolled his eyes. Tony just smiled at Izzie and walked in.
"That's fine with me. Is there anyway I can help you loser's change a light bulb?"
Izzie but her hands on her hips and smiled at Frank.
"See? I'm never wrong. Tony is a perfect Hyde!"
Everybody except Tony sighed. Joe then turned to Tony and said,
"Hand us the light bulb when we make the human primed."
He shrugged.
"Sure. Whatever."
The group then got into the formation said above. Finally, after much work they were in a human pyramid. Tony passed the light bulb to Joe, and Joe passed it to Izzie.
Rule Number Four Of Home Improvement: Never rely on an accident-prone girl to do the actual changing of the light bulb. Izzie, due to her klutziness, slipped and fell backwards, causing the whole primed to tumble down. Izzie had knocked herself out with her fall, but everybody else was staring at the ceiling light angrily.
"Do I want to know?"
The group of seven-well, really six since Izzie was passed out on the floor-turned once again to the doorway. Only this time there stood thirteen year-old Scott Shaw. Callie's younger brother.
"Callie, mom wants you home. She caught the microwave on fire. Again. And while she was trying to put the fire out the washing machine over flowed. Again. Wait, are you guys just trying to change a light bulb? And you are aware that Izzie is bleeding?"
Joe then looked down at his twin and said,
"Iz quit bleeding on the carpet! And Scott, we are aware. We'll call an ambulance as soon as we change this damned light bulb."
Scott gave the group a you-idiots-are-you-that-dumb? Look.
"Why don't you just stand on the computer DESK to change it?"
The six teens felt their mouths drop open and they exchanged damn-why-the-hell-did-we-not-think-of-that? Looks. Scott then took the light bulb from its place on the floor. How it had kept from breaking really was a mystery, and stood on the computer desk. He then changed the light bulb efficiently and quickly.
"Well, that's done. NOW COME ON BEFOE MOM BURNS/FLOODS OUR HOUSE!"
Scott then grabbed Callie by the arm and dragged her out of the room. Callie offered a shrug and a shocked wave as a goodbye. Joe then spoke.
"Well, anybody up for CSI?"
A chorus of 'yeah', 'yes', and in Jackie and Hyde-I mean Iola and Tony's case 'hell yea's!' The group then left the room.
One hour later…
"Damn, I love that episode…the gore…"
Iola, Frank, Joe, Chet, and Tony were hanging out in Izzie's room watching CSI reruns.
"Yeah. Except I feel as though we forgot something…"
Mumbled Frank thoughtfully.
Realization then dawned on all of their faces.
"IZZIE!"
The group then dashed off to call 911.
Let it be said, it takes 8 losers to change a light bulb.
Note: Hope ya'll liked it. It took FOREVER to write. But it was fun to write. I'm going to make it an on going series. All about the gang doing stuff like changing light bulbs, to painting, to wallpaper, to building. Review. WARNING: This is hard to write…so updates will come slow. And with school finishing up...I'm failing two subjects...so I've godda work.
Love and peace,
Casey