AN: Okay... my other fanfics are taking a long time. I know. I don't have any real excuses aside from me being lazy and trying to figure out what to do. This is pretty much just me trying to get SOMETHING out and sharing something worthwhile. So, I figured I'd share something I wrote back in 2014, the year I discovered my all-time favorite book, The Catcher in The Rye.
Many people tend to have split opinions about it. Some love it, others hate it. Me, I personally see The Catcher in The Rye as one of the best novels in American Literature and I consider Holden Caulfield to be one of the greatest characters in literacy. I fell in love with the book because at the time, I saw way too much of myself in Holden. I was going through a lot of depression and anxiety. Reading the book gave me solace. However, the ending was slightly disappointing, not giving me the closer I expected. So, I wrote this for a class assignment. As far as I remember, it went pretty well.
Anyways, enough with the prelude.
Well, you demanded to hear what happened after I ended up in the hospital, so fine. You want more? Here's what happened after everything. I was sitting in my room after I closed my notebook. It was that time of year when spring turns to summer, so the sun was shining pretty bright and the weather looked pretty damn good. There were a few clouds in the sky. I remember when me, Allie and old Phoebe would go to large fields up in Maine and stare at the clouds in broad daylight. It wasn't the smartest decision seeing how sometimes we looked directly into the sun. Allie was really good at cloudspotting. He could see almost anything. Allie always liked to point out what he could see in the sky when he looked at the clouds. He'd always say it out loud and describe it so me and Phoebe didn't have to stumble around in the dark. After he died, I couldn't see anything in the clouds. They all looked the same to me after that day, clumps of cotton stuck in the sky.
It made me feel lousy, seeing how lost I was after Allie died, but ever since I ended up in the hospital, things seemed different for me. It's weird. Sometimes I feel like Allie's right there next to me, laughing, reading a book, or just pulling my arm to go golfing with him. It made me feel funny all over. I then pulled out my suitcase out from under my bed and pulled out my red hunting hat. A one dollar "Deer shooting hat" as said by Ackley. I hate to admit it, but I was starting to miss that ugly bastard. I still feel like he's got his nail clippings on my floor. Good thing I don't walk around in my bare feet. I then started to miss Stradlater. I really did. Goddam Stradlater, that self-centered bastard. He might've been a bastard, but he wasn't a bastard twenty four hours a day. I feel bad that we fought before I ran away from Pencey. I was wondering if he felt the same way.
I started digging around and found a crumpled up piece of paper. I folded it open and it read: "The mark of the immature is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." I smiled. Old Mr. Antolini wrote that for me months ago. I couldn't believe I still had it with me. I really liked how he gave this to me. I read it a couple of times after he gave it to me. I then realized what I wanted to do. I started digging even deeper into my luggage and pulled out Allie's mitt. It was still intact. Never used in a game for years and still covered in poetry and grabbed my red pen. I then copied Mr. Antolini's letter onto a spot on the glove that was still blank, right on the center of the palm. This here's for you old Allie. I thought.
Then right out of the back of my head, I started to think of old Jane Gallagher. I couldn't get her out of my goddam head. I still remembered how she and Stradlater went on that date. I couldn't stop thinking about it. It made me feel so goddam lousy. Stradlater didn't know her as long as I did. I knew I wasn't fit to be with her, but neither was Stradlater. She deserves a goddam prince, not a self-absorbed bastard like him. I started going back to everything I did with her. The pool where I first got to talk to her, the checker game, the movies, even when her dog was dropping deuces on my family's lawn. I wished I called her up when I had the chance. I felt guilty all over. I remember reading in a book one time, "It's strange how being in love and being insane are so similar." Whoever wrote that was right. He sure was right.
The next day, the nurses told me that I was having a few visitors. I was certain that Phoebe was probably coming from school to see me. The hospital wasn't that far away. I sat on my bed and waited. I then started to chew the rag. To be honest though, I kind of wanted to take a break from all that smoking for a while. After almost feeling like I had Cancer, I should've stopped right there and then.
It wasn't too long before I heard a knocking on my door. "Come on in." I said. Bursting through the door was old Phoebe.
"Holden," she cried, jumping into my arms.
"Hey Phoebe," I said, giving her a little kiss on the cheek. "How's school?"
"Over," she beamed. "It's summer vacation now!"
"That's great Phoebe. What are you going to do in the mean time?"
"I'm not planning on going anywhere, so maybe I'll visit you on a weekly basis!"
"That's great Phoebe."
"Yeah," she replied smiling. "There's actually someone who wants to see you right now." Then, entering the room was my goddam mom.
I didn't even know what to say. Mom was wearing a black fur coat over a white dress. She looked like a goddam queen. To be honest, she looked a little bit like Sally Hayes. She smiled a little and said, "Hello Holden. I hope your therapy is going well." I couldn't say anything. Mom definitely knew I flunked out of Pencey and ran away by now. I could tell I was in deep trouble. Real deep trouble. "Phoebe," she said, "why don't you wait outside. Holden and I need to talk for a minute." Phoebe nodded and did as she was told. Soon, it was just me and mom in my hospital room.
Mom pulled up a chair and sat across from me while I still sat on my bed. She stared at me with her brown eyes. I was certain she was going to explode any minute, but instead, she looked at me and sighed. "Holden," she said calmly, "I'm sorry." I stopped thinking right then and there. My mother was sorry? What the hell would she be sorry for?
"What?" I asked. "Sorry for what?"
"Everything Holden," Mom replied. "I was never there to comfort you when Allie died."
"Nobody was," I muttered, crossing my arms.
"But there's more," she continued, "I'm sorry about Pencey, and everything before that. I signed you up to all those schools without asking what you wanted to do with your life. I had no idea how you felt. How depressed it got you."
"Why are you saying all this?" I asked. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that for once, my mom was asking for forgiveness. It was like a criminal begging on his knees to be forgiven for his sins. I noticed that mom was starting to get a little teary eyed. I felt a little moisture in my eyes too.
"Because Holden," she finally said, "I've lost one son, I don't want to lose another. There's so many bad things in this world, Holden." That was one of the truest things she had ever said. All the phonies, bullies, and those people who write 'Fuck You' on everything. "You're one of the best things your father and I ever added to it." She then leaned forward and hugged me tight. It felt weird to have her hair up in my face, but this was the hug I've wanted from my mom for almost four years. "I love you Holden. Don't you ever forget that." I started to choke back tears.
"I love you too, mom."
Before mom and Phoebe left, I asked if I could see Phoebe for one minute. Mom agreed and Phoebe came back in.
"Phoebe," I said, "there's one last thing I wanted to give you."
"Your hat?," she asked.
"Nope. Something much more special." I reached into my suitcase and pulled out Allie's mitt. "Do you remember this Phoebe?" She shook her head. "This baseball mitt used to belong to Allie. It's all I have left of him aside from the memories." I gave it to her. She started to read all the poetry that was written on it. "Don't forget what's written in the palm." I said pointing it out with my finger. "Can you read it?"
"Sure I can!," Phoebe exclaimed. "'The mark of the immature is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one'. What's it mean?"
"I can't tell you. But always remember this. Nobody can ever explain everything to you. Sometimes you're the only one to figure it out." It's the truth. "You take care of it, ya hear me?"
"Sure thing Holden." Phoebe smiled. With one last hug, Phoebe and mom left. I couldn't stop smiling. Everything seemed so perfect. I hope Allie agrees up there, wherever the hell that is.
Remember when I wished I had talked to Jane? Just wait till you hear this. A few hours after mom and Phoebe had left, the nurse told me I had another visitor. Before I knew it, there she was: good old Jane Gallagher. She looked exactly how I remembered her. I immediately got up from my bed. "Jane…," I said, almost whispering. I was still trying to recover from shock.
She smiled. "Holden!," she cried. Before I knew it, she had thrown her arms around my neck and hugged real tight. I could feel the heat rising in my face and felt like I just swallowed a light. I slowly wrapped my arms around her back as I returned her hug. She then pulled away and smiled at me. "How've you been?," she asked. I was still trying to believe she was actually here, and also the fact she was with Stradlater.
"Fine," I replied, "yourself?"
"I've been good. How's the hospital treating you?"
"A lot better than all the phonies at Pencey." Jesus. It felt like forever since I last said Pencey and phonies in the same sentence. I was still trying to forget about Stradlater.
"Pencey?," Jane asked, "Oh yeah, now I remember. Stradlater goes there."
The second I heard her bring up his name, I was starting to wish she wasn't here. "Yeah," I muttered, "let's not talk about that." I then turned around and sat on my bed and didn't even look her in the eye.
"He was your roommate, right? He's really handsome, don't you agree?"
"Excuse me," I said kinda rudely, "do I look like some kind of damn flit to you?"
Jane then looked at me in surprise. "Holden," she said, sitting next to me on my bed, "don't swear in front of me please. I'm just saying that I met him and I think he's a nice boy."
"Not when you get to know him," I said, boy was she getting annoying, "once you peel away his pretty boy facade, he's nothing but a lousy, self-absorbed bastard." Jane gasped. She then got up.
"Holden," she said sternly, "if you're going to keep up this attitude, I'll leave." She then stood up.
"Jane, wait," I said, grabbing her arm. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. It's just..." I couldn't spit it out.
She sat down next to me again. "It's just what?"
I sighed. "I heard that you and Stradlater were going on a date and… he did 'the time' with you."
Jane's eyes were wide. "What?," she said, "who told you that?"
I looked at her. "Stradlater. You were going on a date with him. Weren't you?"
"No. He was going on a date with one of my friends." If this was some cheap cartoon, my jaw would be on the floor to how gullible I was. Then again, Stradlater was as big a liar as me. "She introduced me and he told me that you were his dormmate. I was hoping he could take me to Pencey so I could pay you a visit. I've really missed you." I couldn't say anything. Jane then took my hand in hers.
"I've missed you too, Jane. A LOT." She smiled back at me. "I haven't seen you since… I can't even remember."
"What do you remember?," she asked.
"The movies? You put your hand on my neck, remember?"
"Oh yeah.," she chuckled, "and the pool?"
"Oh right," I replied, "that's when I really got to talk to you."
"Really? Didn't you meet me when I took my dog for walks? Your mom was pretty mad."
"That's 'cause your dog was dropping deuces on my lawn." We both started laughing. I don't remember laughing in so long. I don't know how, but I then started crying. I don't know why. Maybe it was because I was feeling happier than I ever had, maybe it was just that I got to speak to Jane in what felt like a goddam eternity.
You won't believe what happened next. Jane scooched closer to me and kissed my cheek. She kissed me all over my goddam face. It felt like I was being baptized into a new world. There was nothing else I could think about except that Jane Gallagher was doing what I did to her when her booze hound step-dad busted in on us. But this was different. This time, she laid one right smack on my goddam lips, and I didn't pull away. We kissed for what felt like forever. I felt like I was with Sally all of a sudden. When she finally pulled away, we looked at each other for the longest time. All of sudden, I just blurted out, "I love you, Jane."
I wanted to slap myself right there and then. What the hell was I thinking? I meant it this time, too. I thought Jane would just walk away, but instead, she just smiled and said, "I love you too, Holden. Don't leave me." She then gave me another hug. I hugged her back. I couldn't stop myself from crying. Everything seemed so perfect.
Before Jane left, I offered her a game of checkers. "You're on," she smiled. She and I played for what felt like forever. She still kept her kings in the back row.
There you have it. I admit, it felt a little corny from time to time and might have been just youthful idealism on my part. But seeing all the shit Holden had to put up with, I think he deserved to have some closure with his mother and especially Jane.
Anyways, I'll try to have my other stories sorted out before the Summer is out. Thanks.
I'll be back.