Soul's Scars
By Calypso
AN: I've never written anything quite like this before, but after last nights episode I couldn't get this out of my head. I'm going to warn you ahead of time that this isn't exactly a great piece of writing and if you flame me I'm not going to blame you. In all honesty, I like White, I would never have written him like this if last nights episode hadn't left this proverbial taste in my mouth. This story is very dark and fairly offensive so read at your own risk. This is all a stream of thoughts floating through White's head so it's not meant to flow in the way stories normally do. Also, I use the word Conclave for the cult b/c I think it's what the senator uses at the end of She Ain't Heavy.
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Damn her! How is that that 452 always find a way to get me? How is it that every time I get this close she'll pull something out of her fucking sleeve? I knew I should have brought back up today - if I had both she and her damn twin would be dead, but she knew I wouldn't - not when my son was on the line. His life matters too much to be left in the hands of some incompetent agent the government leaves for me. I could've called one of the others, but they would've just taken her without ever letting me question her about my son. I can't get my son back, and now I can't even think clearly - how the fuck did I let a transgenic drag me this low?
I need to hurt something - kill something - but the conclave doesn't approve of killing on a whim. Screw them. I know I can't bring attention to myself, but my bloodlust is too strong to fight. When I slam open the door to a cell we use for X5's, its occupant visibly starts, but she's not as weak as she pretends to be - I can see it in her eyes. "Get up!" She does as she's told, and I can tell that she's estimating how far she'd get if she ran now. "If you can knock me unconscious then you can consider yourself free." She looks at me like I'm crazy but then, she doesn't know what I am. With no other warning I punch her across the face and I can feel her reeling with the force of it.
Sadistic Bitch. She wouldn't even tell me if Ray was alive - didn't even seem to care. Like she never even noticed that he was the one thing I gave a damn about. How could she think that I would just let my son's life go?
The X5 gets off the floor and throws a roundhouse kick - too easy for me to duck out of. She's not much of a fighter - every blow she strikes I can avoid, and with one well-aimed swipe both her feet go out from under her, and I hear her head hit the concrete floor. "Get up!" she doesn't move, she won't move - and I can't tell if it's because she refuses to or if she simply can't. I don't care; if she doesn't want to fight then I'll make her fight.
Getting down on one knee I roughly turn her over so that she's on her back, looking her in the eye before tearing her shirt straight down the middle - now there's real fear in her eyes. She starts struggling again - but even desperation doesn't seem to be enough to give her the edge that she needs. I force myself to kiss her, and I feel her bite my lip - I could easily hit her hard enough to stun her, but I want her to fight back, want to feel something for once. But for some reason she just doesn't get it. She begs and pleads with me now - but it isn't enough to stop my anger. Why the hell won't she just fight back? Force me to actually exert some effort?
Sex has never been anything but physical satisfaction with me even when I was married to Ray's mother I didn't involve 'love' with it. The only love I know is devotion to the conclave and my son - no woman ever got close enough to me for the word 'love' to be used with any meaning behind it. For me, that kind of love doesn't exist as anything but a human delusion. I only 'loved' my wife so long as Ray needed me to - after all she was the mother of my son, she deserved some reward for that much. I could have, or rather would have, killed her the moment my son was born, but seeing him stilled my hand and as he grew he learned to love her, and his love began bleeding into my own. I would do anything for Ray, just like I would do anything for the conclave. Just like 452 would do anything for her precious eyes only.
452 - I hate that Bitch now. At first I admired her audacity even though it managed to annoyed the hell out of me, after all it's not everyday someone stands up to me on their own free will. And it's not every day someone other then one of my own kind talks back to me. She amused me, at least until she made our contentions personal by going after the only thing I loved, until she had to take away the only thing I cared about.
The damn X5 is crying now that I'm done with her, and I'm as disgusted with her as I am with myself, I throw her into a wall so that she'll stop crying, and yet even then she won't fight back. All she does is cry, as if I'd taken some vital piece of her soul. Soul I used to think I didn't have one, but then I then I found I had a son, and in my son I found my soul. Since the moment he was born, he became my reason for living, for following the conclave's every order and degrading myself to associate with humans every day of my life.
Why couldn't 452 have just put a bullet through me and let Ray be? I would've died happily knowing that my son was safe in the care of the conclave. Damn her! Damn her for tormenting me like this, for making me rage as if I were just another human. I snap the X5's neck, and I'm wishing it was 452, wishing that is was even mine. If only my son were alive. If only.
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*Calypso ducks out of her bomb shelter* Did anyone actually get this far? And if so would you say it's over rated? God - I can't believe I just wrote that! What the hell was I thinking?