I Don't Want You to Hear If I'm Not Talking

by Scaredbeingsinthedark

"Hi, my name is Sam. I'm a bartender at this local joint. You don't know me, but I bet if you came in lookin' to bend someone's ear, I'm your man." And sometimes the barman needs to bend someone else's ear. This is Sam's story of how he met his husband-to-be. *Written entirely in dialogue* Rated T.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Law and Order: SVU. I only own Sam and Sam's the one with the nonexistent drink. I think it's made with rum—it's supposed to mimic a Sex on the Beach only more tropical—go ahead and try it if you want, but I think it'll suck.

Not beta-read. So, I apologize for any mistakes. They are all mine. Mine, do you hear!

ooOoo

Hi, my name is Sam. I'm a bartender at this local joint. You don't know me, but I bet if you came in lookin' to bend someone's ear, I'm your man.

I've got experience. Lots of it. Been a bartender for almost eighteen years now. If you wanna do the math, that makes me forty.

I've still got all my hair, and I wear it short. Last thing I need is a customer complaining they found one of my hairs in their drink. Happened to a friend of mine, he hasn't worked in a bar in almost ten years.

You don't need to know any personal information about me. Just snap your fingers (if you're polite otherwise) and I'll be right with you with a smile and the house special. Don't forget to tip. Manager's a dick and our prices are low. A dollar every three drinks should cover it. First one's on the house anyway, since you're nice enough.

Oh, and don't mind the kid knockin' back beers at the end of the bar. He's havin' a rough night. He won't bother you.

Yeah, he's a regular. Goes to night school three nights a week. Works days somewhere nearby.

Yes. He's cute.

Here's that personal thing you never wanted to know about your bartender: I'm gay.

I see beautiful people all the time. So, I think I'm a little desensitized to them. Maybe that's why with his long face and wide eyes, the kid is cute. Hell, I even like his slicked back hair.

I know a little somethin' about all the people that walk through my door. Well, it's not really my door but I do work five of the seven shifts every week.

Let's talk about the customers now before I weird you out too much.

Okay, here goes: dancin' ladies are the most hypocritical.

Every night, they hang out on the dance floor, callin' for a different dance partner a song and then slappin' a guy who they think is ugly. They're not so hot themselves, but they tip well, so don't you dare tell them I said that.

Oh, I see, you've been blessed to avoid them so far, then. Good luck to the rest of your night.

What about the men, you want to know? Well, as bad as the ladies are, the men are just as bad. They don't take rejection too well. They'll head to the bar and order a drink for every girl in the group except the one who said no. They also tip well.

Here you go, sir. Enjoy your night.

What's that? You wanna talk to the kid? Yeah, he watches me sometimes. Gives me hope. No, don't tell him I said that. Please, just order another drink. On the house.

Quick! Don't look! He's lookin'.

It breaks my heart, it really does. Are you gonna dance with the kid? Let me know if he's a good kisser. Wait, I don't really wanna know.

Thanks anyway.

Comin' right up, ma'am.

Ah, you're back. Hey, kid.

I get off work in about three hours. Gonna wait that long?

Seriously?

Sweet.

What can I get you?

Mmph.

Hey, I'm workin'.

Mmph.

Stop. Now. Seriously, though. I'll see ya around three.

I'm fine. Catch ya later, kid.

Have a good night, sir. See you soon.

Mmph!

Thought I said stop it. Johnny!

ooOoo

Oh, hey. Didn't see you there.

Hi.

No, not botherin' me.

What's up? What can I do for you?

Yeah, I remember you.

Hey, the kid's here again, it's a rough one tonight. Whiskey and beer. Go say hi.

No, don't bring him back to me. I think he's tryin' to get drunk and he's mad 'cause I won't let him.

Thanks for that. Keep an eye on him, will ya?

Here you go, ma'am. Yes, there's pineapple in it. Mango and passion fruit too. No refunds, I'm sorry.

Ah, that was quick. So, is he still mad?

Fuck. No really?

Knock it off, asshole!

Not you. It's that guy at the table. He's been buyin' drinks all night, givin' 'em to pretty ladies. What's he got going on…

I hope it's not what I think it is.

Hey, listen, do me a solid and stay with the kid. Please.

I'm serious. I really like him. I really do.

Yeah, still gay. But, also majorly crushin' on him.

I don't wanna see him hurt. I don't wanna pick up any pieces.

Hey, kid, how ya feelin'?

Dominick, really. Neat name.

Junior, huh? Well I still like your name.

Here, on the house.

Yes, it's virgin. No, I didn't mean you...Oh. Oh! Okay. That's cool.

Seriously. Did you drink all of them? Why?

...idiot.

I meant it affectionately. Please. Please, stay with him. I get off at one tonight. Closin' early. Boss's wife's havin' a baby and he's celebratin'.

Still on the house, still virgin. Okay, yeah, you said that.

Sir, your whiskey on the rocks. With a pink umbrella. No, I'm not laughin' at you.

Does this face look like it's laughin'? Enjoy your drink, sir.

Johnny! Got a live one on three. Take 'em out.

God, I love watchin' him do that. Make sure you stay on his good side, eh?

C'mon, kid, you're not getting' another drink. Johnny, bounce the guy on six too, will ya?

Thanks, bud.

Listen, man, we got about another hour. Just hang on to him, make sure nothin' happens. Here's my cell. We'll get together when I get off.

Work that is. Stop gigglin'.

Okay. Have a good hour now.

Johnny, be a pal and sound the last call.

Hang on, ma'am, I'll be right over.

No, no tips. It was on the house.

Well. Thank you. See ya, kid! Keep a damn close eye on him. Please.

ooOoo

Oh, hi, didn't know I smoked? It's not a problem, is it?

It is?

Well, I'm sure I can quit. I gave up alcohol after all.

Yes, I'm still a bartender. What, you think I'm gonna quit my livelihood?

No, I'm not an alcoholic. What gave you that idea? Oh.

Sorry. No, I'm sorry. It was a bad joke.

What about you, any sins you gave up?

Really? How long ago? Care to pick it back up?

God, what am I sayin'? You must think I'm such a creep.

I'm sorry. I'm not usually this...bad.

I think you caught me on an off day. This is my day off, you know.

I know, another bad joke. Well. Since you found me, is there anythin' you'd like to do?

Yeah, Dom. I'm really okay.

No, I am not calling you "Sonny." That's a ridiculous nickname.

You are your own person, not what someone called you when you were two!

Hey, don't go. I'm sorry! Look, if it'll get you to stay, I'll call you "Sonny."

Don't give me that look.

Fine. Hey, wanna go grab a bite somewhere?

No, I'm not a stranger. You're in my bar every night. Well, it's not my bar. You know me. I'm Sam.

No, you may not call me Samuel. Or a bus. Or a taxi.

See? I can preempt bad jokes. I don't always make 'em. Seriously though, wanna grab a bite?

Sweet. There's this cool joint around the block. Serves the most amazin' sushi.

Whaddya mean, you don't like sushi? How can anyone not like sushi?

Okay, hang onto your hat—cute hat, by the way—we're goin' on an adventure. Hope you like wasabi and ginger.

Nah, it's not a date. Unless you want it be a date, in which case this is totally a date. Oh, so not a date.

You know me. I'm Sam.

Stop laughin'. I am not a taxi.

It's just up here, across the street. Don't get run over. I'd hate to have to pick up a Dom-pancake.

Sorry, a Sonny-pancake.

Yeah, thought so.

So, Dom—hold the door, don't let it slam on you—how's work or school or both goin'?

Good, good. Tell me more about what you do?

Oh, okay. Well, it'll keep. You already know I'm a bartender.

Say, what happened to the guy I asked to keep an eye on you?

Oh really. Really. That's...interestin'.

Did you like it?

No?

Yes, I sound like a kicked puppy. No, I don't wanna tell you why.

So, this is definitely not a date?

Yeah.

Sorry, just sit anywhere. I'll get our waiter. Just relax, and don't duck out on me. It's not a date, but I expect date-worthy conversation.

Hey, Sarah! How's the baby? Good! Say, what can you recommend for a beginner? Oh, yeah, we'll get that. Thanks.

So. I leave you alone for two minutes and you find the most isolated table in the establishment. No, it's not a bad thing. Just surprisin'.

Didn't take you for shy.

Oh.

Well. Would it make a difference if I kissed you? No, not here! Maybe later. Outside. After sushi. Don't make that face. It's highly insulting.

Yes, Sarah, we're still eating here, although you may not want to watch. It could be painful.

Stop laughin', both of you! I feel like you're conspirin' against me.

No, it's not fair.

Hey, whaddya know, you like sushi!

Yes, I will smile like a Goddamn maniac if I feel like it.

Oh, pukin' is definitely not a good sign. Sarah! The check. And a bucket.

Well, isn't this just a bad sign for a date?

What? Oh, that's right. Still not a date. Got it. Hey, look, you're an ambulance! Yes, I'll ride with you. Don't death grip me.

I'll try not to be in the way. Hey. He was speakin' just a moment ago, but he sounded like he was havin' trouble breathin'. Yeah. I'll meet you there. If he wakes up, tell him I'm comin'. Where are you goin' again? Mercy. Got it. Thanks.

ooOoo

Hey, sleepyhead!

Shoulda told me you were allergic to nori. Oh, it's seaweed.

Whaddya mean you didn't know?

Well, someone's been blowin' up your phone. Hmm? Sergeant Benson. No, I didn't answer it. Figured you wouldn't want me to.

Hey, no. You're not leavin' that bed until the doc clears you. Get back here this instant!

Your clothes are vomit stained and—shit. Just. Sit. Down. I'm callin' a nurse. No, I'm not a taxi, and she isn't either.

Good. Made you laugh. Sounds like it hurts though.

Okay, you know what, if Sergeant Benson calls back I'm tellin' her you can't follow orders.

Hey, can you see if he's…Okay, thanks. Hey, lookit, Benson.

Hello, Sergeant.

Uh, I'm Sam Garrett. I'm a friend of Dom's. We're at Mercy. Okay, see you soon.

Well, that's done. Oh, stop lookin' so terrified. It'll be okay. Your boss will understand, right?

What do you mean you don't know? Do you know anythin'?

No, I'm sorry. That came out wrong.

Look, you had a reaction, and now I'm reactin'. I'm sorry. I just got scared.

I really like you. I meant it when I asked if you'd like me to kiss you.

I know. You don't feel well. I'm not gonna force you into anythin' you're uncomfortable with.

Look, I really like you. I'd like it to be somethin' more.

Well, you're the one that sat at my bar every night I've worked for the last seven months. I'm sorry I got jerk-face to kiss you. If it'd been me, it would've been much better.

Oh, hello. I'm Sam.

I'm just gonna be goin' now. Hey, catch you later, Dom. Here's my cell. Call me if you want.

See ya.

ooOoo

So, I'm Sam. But I guess you already knew that.

I'm sorry I called you a jerk-face. But, you knew I liked him and you still kissed him. If that's not a jerk-face, well...

Yeah, so this is an invite.

Yup. We're makin' it legal.

One second, sir, and I'll get you your drink.

He kissed me.

Oh, I almost killed him on our first date.

I promise I won't kill him at our weddin'.

Yeah, I'm still tryin' to wrap my head around the fact that he said yes.

I didn't have to bribe him or anythin'.

Here you are, thanks for your patience.

So, here's one on the house. Thanks for being there even if for a bit I was mad at you.

Comin' right up, ma'am.

Look, neither of us is good at this, so I'll say it fast—be-my-best-man?

You will? Oh, thank God! Dom thought we'd have to ask one of his colleagues. And while they've been supportive, I just don't know them.

There you are. Thanks.

You, you've been in every day since Dom dumped you, and you've been nothin' but kind to us.

Say, do you know a good officiator?

Yeah, life's goin' good. Nothin' but bliss for sixteen months.

Hey, here comes the bride!

Doesn't he blush pretty?

Gimme a kiss, babe.

So, here's my best man, and he knows an officiator too.

We're set!

Yeah, plannin' still. Always plannin', my sweetheart. But, we're headin' to make it two years to the day from the first date—that wasn't a date.

Johnny, bounce on table seven. Two men.

Yeah, so no sushi at the weddin'. And nothin' with seaweed in it.

Gimme another kiss.

God, I love him.

No, I'm not a taxi. Your jokes are still terrible.

Hey, I get off work in about an hour. Wanna grab a movie? We've got that new superhero movie. Dom's been beggin' me to see it for forever.

Last call! Hey, Johnny, give us the old last call song, will ya?

Dance with me, Dom?

Hey, thanks again, man.

~ The End ~

So, this happened. Just working along, trying to entertain myself at work (long hours) and I started a kind of stream of consciousness story.

I invented Sam the bartender a while ago but haven't been able to fully realize him until now. Although, whether he's fully fleshed character or not remains to be seen. I only have five instances of his interaction with an unnamed patron at his bar and Dominick because I'm lazy, wanted to actually finish a story, and have something to post.

I apologize if Sam's rambling gets in the way of the story—heads up, you only get Sam's perspective and only what he says. Everything else has been cut (read: not written) on purpose. If you can't figure out why he said something, send me a message. I'll be more than glad to explain. I think the story would have been bogged down and downright unreadable, so no, I'm not going to add more, and I won't change the style. Hey, got to try everything once.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

Scaredbeingsinthedark aka WalkingDictionary