Ice Mirrors
By Christine Lennoire
Series: Yu Yu Hakusho
Genre: Romance
Pairing: Kurama/Hiei
Hints of Kurama/Kuronue (past)
The days grow long, but the nights are empty
Memories fade, but the ones that don't, leave me empty
All in all, it's like looking into the cold abyss
I peer into the ice mirrors and I begin to truly see...
Kurama peered out the window from across the room. Eyes never leaving the glassy surface, he moved to sit down on the edge of his bed, as a bird flew past. Spring was in full bloom. The tree outside his window had buds. It was the first time the weather had been nice enough for the flowers to bloom, and now he could see one of the yellow flowers peeking out eagerly. Sun rays filtered through, even at midday. What a lovely sight... but Kurama couldn't seem to focus again. He hadn't been able to focus for weeks...
From his room, he could hear his mother calling him. But he laid down on his bed, and pretended he didn't hear her. He was pushing away... pulling away from his human life for some time now. Just going through the motions was enough to make him want to scream. All he wanted to do was run away from it all – away from it all. And he found himself thinking of the demon world. Sometimes he could hear himself saying that he missed it and he wondered where it came from.
Three weeks ago, it all started. Three weeks ago, he had seen his deceased friend... or at least he thought he had. A demon attacked him, using his dear deceased friend as a disguise and messing with his mind to make him weak so he could kill him. However, Kurama knew that memory all too well, and once his swinging weapon fell – and silence reigned, the truth came back harder than any of the words that demon could have used against him that day. It told him that this was not his friend – that's right, he told himself.
Kuronue... is dead.
And he didn't kill his friend. No, he never could have done that. For all his talk, Youko Kurama was a wimp. He couldn't handle the truth. He didn't kill Kuronue, but he – the Great Youko Kurama, couldn't save him either. Kurama saved himself, knowing that there had to be something he could do... because he was a coward, who was scared of death himself. Kuronue died... alone. And Kurama hadn't done a thing about it, but to continue to live in fear and regret.
That's who Youko was... that's who he really was
That's why Kurama had cast that part of him aside. He hated being the person who would hurt his friends. And that's exactly what he had done... to him, the person that he had cared about the most. Because of him, he had died. Kurama could have done something... anything! Hindsight was most painful for him – knowing what he had done... or not done. And it wasn't just him, it had been Yomi too, whom he had betrayed in such a horrible way. Another terrible memory...
Like he didn't have enough of them already...
"Kuronue..." Kurama said, resting his head on his hands and sighing. Since seeing the imposter, it had been bothering him. Yet, it wasn't Kuronue that bothered him so much. Because, although Kuronue had meant the world to him at one time, that had been so long ago, and time changes everything and everyone. But what did bother him, was the before and after of the entire affair. Youko had tromped all over Kuronue and his feelings.
He had been his best friend, and perhaps a little more...
And then he left him for dead...
Kurama had made a promise. He promised to never hurt a friend like that. So he cast aside a piece of himself to protect the people he cared about... one in particular that kept coming to mind whenever he thought about... well... anything.
'...Hiei...' Would Hiei end up just like his other friends? 'No...' That's why he made the promise to himself in the first place.
His mind was like a mirror, iced over from the cold. You could feel the terrible cold radiating from it. And it was so frozen that you couldn't touch it, for fear of your skin sticking to the terrible cold surface. But you don't stop looking into it's frozen depths. Everything rested there like a terrible burden. All the memories stayed there, just behind the surface of it's cold wall – just beyond Kurama's reach...
When did I become frozen?
So who would've guessed that his heart would melt to the 'forbidden child' of the ice village? No one else meant as much to him. Hiei was his best friend. But that scared him. Look where all his other friends ended up... He curled up in a ball and squeezed his eyes shut – trying to shut out the horrible memories that nagged at him day and night.
He'd be better off... if you'd never met!
'...maybe...' A tear drifted down his check and landed on his pillow soundlessly. There was a presence. But Kurama's mind was so clouded that he didn't think to get up... didn't think to dry his eyes... didn't think to hide his face... his mask of cool, collective-ness was laying forgotten on the floor.
A bit startled – the jaganshi didn't know what to do. Only knew that his friend needed him. With a small 'hm', he climbed in the window that was carelessly left open and hurried over to the bed. Kurama just couldn't stop crying. He could barely feel the hand caressing his hair.
Mirror... you don't define me!
Kurama slowly came back down to earth, and he felt the calming touches of Hiei's soft, yet hesitant hand. It wasn't in his nature to be comforting or kind. But since Kurama didn't seem awake, he figured it wouldn't hurt. Kurama slowly opened his eyes and his emerald eyes met with Hiei's ruby colored ones. Hiei, noticing that Kurama was now fully awake and totally aware, pulled away quickly and scowled.
"Hn."
If you said much more, I don't know what I'd say...
Kurama chuckled. "Thank you, Hiei." he said, forcing the small demon into a hug. Instinctively, Hiei resisted – but the resistance was so small, the Kurama barely noticed, and smiled.
He's... different...
I will protect him...
Because...
"Hiei... you remind me of someone I used to know. Someone... I cared about... a lot." Kurama said, grinning. "We were... close..."
Kuronue is dead.
But Hiei... is still here...