A/N: Soooooo, I just watched AoU and I was heartbroken by the film, sure it was amazing on many aspects, however, ship-wise it was devastating for me (Romanogers being my ultimate OTP). That way, I decided I'd write a small drabble on Natasha and Steve's friendship after the film. It's 4 am here, so I don't know how good (or bad) it is.
I would also like to remind you that Natasha is not a machine, that she can fall in love and that sometimes, she breaks down, just as the rest of us who aren't part of a Superhero team.
That being said – Enjoy the story.
~X~
Anguish. If she had to choose one word to describe what she felt, it would be anguish. No, anguish and remorse. When he hung up on her, she felt all of the air in her lungs vanish. She could no longer breathe. All Natasha wanted was for it to be over, that awful pain on her chest. That was what being in love felt like and she knew it. She fell and she fell hard. She couldn't stop that, that pain, the taste that his lips left in her mouth, she found it unable to survive without him.
And then Clint left, the one thing that made her stable went away. And she was left all alone there, with a bunch of strangers, people who she didn't know, people with whom she shared nothing but a common interest, the desire to save the world.
Everyone could see it, the effects that the absence of him on her, everyone watched as Agent Romanov decayed before their eyes, but no one dared to say a thing, too scared of what they might find out. She couldn't even say his name without feeling like tearing up. The thin wall that kept her from breaking down was slowly fading.
Every night, she sat on her room on that bunker and drank, and drowned in vodka trying to forget, trying to build that wall back up, but she ended up drowning on her own tears. And she hated that. She hated feeling weak.
It was all that girl's fault, she had messed with Natasha's mind, her worse fears were back, and she had nightmares every night, she couldn't sleep and her life was spiralling out of control and she knew it.
~X~
"Please, Nat," Steve's voice sounded from the outside of the door, "Let me in, we need to talk."
Natasha finally gave up and opened the door, not before wiping her eyes with the back of her hands and try to seem that she hadn't been crying.
"What is it, Steve?" She asked bitterly as she stepped aside to let him in.
There were empty bottles of vodka and files scattered all around the floor. She shattered her phone on the wall on one of her fits of rage, she was a mess and her room showed just how much of a mess there was inside of her.
"Nat... You need to let him go? You need to let all of this go." He touched her arm.
"How can I, Steve?" Natasha looked into his eyes, tears forming in the corner of hers, "How can you expect me to be okay and let it go all of a sudden?"
"I know what you're going through, I went through the same."
"No, Steve, you didn't, you don't have any idea of how I'm feeling. You might think it's the same because we've both lost something we cared about, but you made a choice, you sacrificed, but I've never had a chance to do that and it seems that everyone I care about goes away, I'm a killer, I'm an assassin, I'm a monster. You better leave before I hurt you too."
"No, Nat, you are not a monster, you are human, you bleed and you get hurt, it's okay to cry and it's okay to be upset. But you must forgive. Not only Wanda, but also yourself?"
"How can I?" Tears spilled down her cheeks, "How can I forgive her when she caused all of this, when she is the reason for my suffering."
"Forgiveness is the most important part of being human. You must forgive yourself and Wanda and your enemies too. Forgiving does not mean you're going to go through all of the pain again, forgiving doesn't mean that you think a wrong action is okay, forgiving means acknowledging that someone fucked up and, sometimes, it means that they deserve a second chance." Steve said, "Wanda changed, just as you changed, both of you changed and both of you deserve forgiveness. We work on a team, Natasha, if you can't do it for her or for yourself, do it for the team."
Natasha sighed, he was right. "I-I'll try."
Steve hugged her tight and she bit her lower lip and took a deep breath, "I'm here for you, Natasha. Anything you need, don't hesitate to call me."
"I won't." She assured him. She did feel better, it was true. Talking to someone about it, someone she felt like she could trust, someone who could be just as much as a friend to her as Bruce and Clint had been. "Thank you Steve."
Natasha blinked, it was the first time in a long while that someone had cared about her and that made her cry, she felt as if she wasn't worthy of all that, she felt as if she was a monster and, therefore, not a single soul should worry about her.
Throughout all her life, she had gone through hard moments by herself, she had drowned on her tears by herself, it was the first time that someone was there for her. And, in that moment, when she was wrapped tight in Steve's embrace she felt safe, all of her fears were gone. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight. She heard him gasp in surprise as she dug her nails in his back and sobbed against his chest.
"It will be all right, Nat, I promise." Steve said softly and, slowly, she let go. Natasha ran a hand through her hair.
"I'm sorry about that, Steve." She recomposed, "If you tell anyone about this, consider yourself a dead man." She laughed
He laughed as well, "Not a word." He flashed her a smile.
Steve left and she was all alone again.
Natasha knew that Bruce had to do what he did, and she knew that she had to accept that, because, above all, she wanted Bruce to be happy, she loved him and she wanted him to be happy. That was what love was all about and the hardest part of it was letting go. And she had to let him go, just as he let her go.
The red head walked to the mirror and looked at her reflection, she looked awful. She placed one of her hands on the cold glass.
"I forgive you." She whispered looking into her own eyes and for the first time in a long while she was able to breathe right again.