A/N - Hi everybody! So it's finally time for that sequel I've been talking about, and I'm super excited to share it with you. This story is about cancer, and I'm not going to lie, I don't know a whole lot about it. I'm only 17, but my mother did have breast cancer three years ago. The medical stuff might not be spot on, so please don't bash me if anything sounds unrealistic. I'll be focusing on the emotional level of cancer more than the physical, something I worked and interviewed my mom a lot about.
Note: Mentions of New York (and the whole leaving thing) is where I'm considering writing a third story (a sort of interquel between When I Saw You and That's How Strong My Love Is). You won't understand it yet so don't worry about being confused.
IMPORTANT! – This is the sequel to P&B: When I Saw You. Although it is not necessary to read the first, it will give away stuff that happens in the first story. You should read that one first if you don't want to ruin anything.
That's How Strong My Love Is C1
(Noah)
There are only a handful of moments that will stay with a person forever. And I mean stay, as in you can remember every single detail so minute and so clearly you can literally see it run through your mind's eye as if you were watching a movie. Can you recall any of those moments?
I can, but only a few.
The moment I saw Blaine. That will stay with me till I die. It was the first day of Senior year, in my fifth hour English class, and I was looking around the classroom. I remember seeing Kurt first, and then looking past him to Blaine. It was in that instant, when I saw him, that I just knew. I knew I would be with him forever. From those red skinny jeans to that perfectly fitting shirt, he would be mine. I remember how we played eye tag for awhile, both afraid of how the other would react to our stares. I remember every feeling I had, every thought that ran through my head.
When Beth was born. I remember everything that Quinn screamed, everything the nurse ordered, and every detail of her face as I looked at her as Quinn held her. I remember the feeling I had when they took her away without letting me hold her, and the anger and pain that soon followed.
The day my father raped me. How he punched my mother cold onto the floor, how he walked me up to my room, and how he took my clothes off my body. I remember the exact feeling I felt as he pushed inside of me, both physically and mentally. I remember the song Finn and I sang on the way to the event, and I can still taste his breath in my mouth if I try hard enough.
The night Blaine and I first made love. Every touch between us, every sound, every kiss and every word muttered. I remember the face he made as I filled him, and I can literally feel how his skin felt on mine, how his mouth felt around me. I can hear the pain in his voice when I freaked out afterword, and I can remember how scared I was laying there, memories washing over me.
The day Blaine left for New York. It broke my heart, I felt like giving up. I can recall every tear that fell down my face, and I can remember the exact lines in the door, the one I stared at for about an hour. I can remember what I was wearing, and what show was playing on our TV in the background.
Our wedding. The day I killed my father. The time when Blaine broke his leg.
I can remember each one of those scenes perfectly. Ask me what smell was in the air? I could tell you. Ask me what I felt? Easy. Ask me what thoughts were running through my mind? Really, I could tell you everything.
And it's not little moments that these moments are. No, notice that each one of those were bigger than the last, each one held a huge milestone in my life. Yes, those moments are usually life changing, and it's really not hard to wonder why they would stay with me forever.
I never knew, though, as I lived through those moments that they would stay with me forever. I had never really paid it much attention. I never purposely looked around, examined the scene, and realized that it would stay with me until I die.
I did now.
The smell. I registered the strong smell of, I'd say, bleach? A strong cleanser filled the air, and it was almost enough to make someone gag. Really, did they think the smell would be comforting? If they did, then they failed miserably.
The lighting. It was dim, and mostly dark. You could make out everybody just find, but it seemed to cast a mysterious aura, the way everything seemed to be in the shadows.
The room. It wasn't too big, but I memorized the diameters instantly. I memorized the lines in the wall and the way there was only one door. This is the room. The room where everything changes.
And then Blaine. My hand around his hand and his face. His face will most likely haunt my dreams for a long time now. It was peer shock, but you can tell the shock wasn't keeping away the pain and fear. He was staring at the doctor as if he had a gun to our faces (which I guess he kind of did). His hand was cold. I would remember that. Because it was very odd that Blaine's skin would be cold. And it was stock still. No movement. No squeeze. No twitch. He couldn't take his eyes off of the doctor in the room, and he couldn't take that god awful look off of his face.
My own feelings. Yes I was shocked, but I instantly registered everything it meant. I will remember this moment for a long time, the moment when a wall is built back up around myself, protecting me from the emotions of the world. I could die. There's a strong chance of it. But I had no fear. At least for myself. No, only one thought ran through my head during this conversation. It wasn't about my survival. It wasn't about all the pain I was about to be put through. It wasn't the fact that this next year was going to be one of my worst.
No, it was how the hell is Blaine going to deal with this?
And then there was the words themselves. It was just a simple, eight word sentence.
"The test results came back…and it's cancer."
And I wanted to go on a date tonight.… But what the fuck ever.
"What kind?" I ask, clearing my throat and gripping Blaine's hand, just trying to get him to realize that he really shouldn't be wearing that face. He glances down to our hands, but doesn't remove that look. His eyes slide into mine and locks in place. If only I could take away his emotions. Then he would be set.
"You have stage two pancreatic cancer."
Stage two? I know enough about cancer to know that that at least sounds relatively good. I glance over at Blaine again to see if this news is doing anything to him. Nope.
"Stage two? That's not very far," I begin, turning back to the doctor. "I mean, it sounds like we caught it relatively early, right?"
"Yes!" He seems to cling to the sentence and the fact like it's a lifejacket. "We caught it early, so chances are better than they usually are. The best route I want to take-"
I glance over at Blaine.
"Okay stop," I command, and the doctor looks slightly taken aback. He doesn't realize that I wasn't talking to him.
"Blaine, you need to stop." Blaine shifts his eyes from the doctor to mine, and his face is finally changed. He's looking at me like I just punched him.
"Stop what?" His voice is shaky and close to cracking, and my heart aches hearing it.
"Can we have a few minutes?" I tell more than ask the doctor, and he mumbles something that sounds like "sure, of course" as he leaves the room.
"You need to stop. I can't take that fucking look on your face."
"The look on my face? Noah, you have cancer!" His face forms a new look, one that's far from shock, just pain and fear and anger. "How can you even yell at me for reacting like this!"
"Because I don't want to fucking see you like it," I reach for his other hand, and grip it, bringing them both to the table. "It's not the end of the world Blaine. It's just one more thing for us to work through."
"You have cancer! Don't even try to tell me it's all going to be alright Noah, because we both know it's not!" His first tear falls down his face, and my hand instinctively goes to wipe it away. He doesn't do anything but close his eyes as I brush my thumb down the track the tear left, and then he sniffles a little. "I'm not going to cry."
"This isn't a death sentence. I just can't bear to see that look on your face. Like I'm dying, and don't say I am because I'm not! Stage two, Babe! They caught it early! There's a chance surgery can get this out of me forever!"
"You're happy that you only have stage two? How optimistic Noah! How about you focus on that and not at yelling at me for being in shock! You have fucking cancer!"
I don't say anything. He opens his eyes and looks at me. I look back at him, refusing to break eye contact. A billion things are said through it all. It's intense, and it's meaningful. He's shaking slightly, but then I realize so am I. He finally breaks the silence by mumbling something that literally just hurts me. Nothing but pain.
"I'm allowed to react like that Noah," he murmurs softly. "You could die…"
I take a deep breath, unsure of how I want to continue. This is all wrong. I shouldn't have gotten mad. I shouldn't have yelled at him. Couples are supposed to comfort each other when they find shit like this out, not push them away because their angry. But isn't that one of my biggest downfalls? My inability to control my anger? Like I've always said, my defense is really just a hard, tough offense.
"I'm never going to leave you Blaine," I murmur standing up and pulling him with me.
"I don't believe you," he whispers back, hands going to my biceps and griping them for good measure; I don't necessarily think he can stand very well right now.
"You've always trusted me before," I state as I trace my lips against his forehead, squeezing him close into my body. This feels right. This is how it should be. I shouldn't be reprimanding him for reacting exactly how Blaine does. Shame on me for trying to control his feelings. Of course he's going to be scared, fuck, I'm sure I'm scared too, if I didn't already place that wall over my emotions.
"You can't control this," He chokes out, his emotions coming through his voice instead of tears down his face.
"But I will fight," I say, pushing him back slightly so I can rest my forehead against his, looking directly into those scared little eyes. The beauty they hold is unbeleiveable, it's indescribable and it transcends everything. The amount of memories they held. The amount of times I've looked into them. The amount of emotions and feelings that have been portyrated there openly for the world to see. Yeah, they took my breath away. They stopped me mid sentence, I literally couldn't go on.
The man that I was holding meant everything to me. I was hurting him. My reaction was hurting him. My condition was hurting him. I just wanted to make him feel safe again, wipe away that fear from his face and those eyes that were looking up at me.
"I'm going to fight Baby. I'm going to fight harder than I've ever fought for something before. And I'm going to do it for you. And you're going to do it for me. Together Blaine," I say as I grip his hands in mine, and he leans up and takes my mouth.
I wasn't done with my speech. I wanted to say more, something along the lines of "nothing can beat us if we stand by each other" or "I'll be with you forever," but I guess Blaine's idea feels more appropriate. What we're both feeling right now? Yep, no words. They just can't portray everything I'm feeling. The want I feel, of wanting to make it all okay for Blaine. Show him that we will beat this, that there is a way, and that I will be with him.
Our lips say it all though. It's heated, it's passionate, its everything that a "I just found out I have cancer, I'm going to fight like hell to stay with you and I will always love you" kiss would be. Though he initiated, I take full charge. I soon walk him backwards and push him against the wall. His hands curl around the Mohawk that I've kept, and then around my neck, pushing me down farther into the kiss.
He shakes as my tongue wipes against his bottom lip, and he opens his mouth while moaning something that sounds an awful a lot like "Noah."
"I fucking love you," I finally gasp out, feeling like I might faint from the lack of oxygen. "I'm not going to leave you!"
"Promise?"
And then he does that. Asks for a promise I can't give. Though I may fight like hell to stay by his side, I'm not dumb. I know I can't promise shit like that in my newfound state.
But I clearly said "I'm never going to leave you," and that actually is something I can promise. Though Blaine will take it as I promise to stay with him on this earthly plane, I'm going to promise it as something else. Because I will always be with him. Even if I die, and I'm buried six feet under the ground. I will be by his side always, I will watch him and care for him and yeah, pretty much be his guardian fucking angel.
"I promise…" I breath out, and he sighs against my lips, before moving his lips against mine slowly and deliberately. He then drops from his tiptoes and leans fully back against the wall.
"I believe you…" He tells me as he puts his hand over my heart. "I do.."
A soft knocking on the door has us both turning around, and the doctor gives us a sad look as he walks back into the conference room office thingie. God I hate when I can't label simple things like a room.
"I'm so sorry that I'm bringing you this news, Mr. and Mr. Puckerman," He apologizes as he walks further into the room and takes his seat on one of the chairs at the conference table. I retake Blaine's hand in mine, and lead him back to the table, on the opposite side of the doctor. I place him on one chair and then I take the one next to him, making sure we're touching as much as possible.
"It's fine. We're ready to talk about what this means." I declare, holding Blaine close. I look over and I see a determined, set face. I feel guilty looking back, but it's easier seeing this face than the one he was wearing before.
"Noah, you have stage two pancreatic cancer." The doctor starts, looking down at his papers. His eyes shift up to mine just in time for me to ask my question; "Pancreas?"
"Your pancreas is located next to your liver, and it aids digestion and the regulation of your metabolism."
Blaine and I nod our heads.
"Now I said stage two, but it's late stage two, give it a few month and it will be in the third stage, and we definitely don't want that. Now as far as treatment goes, I recommend that we start by hitting the cancer hard with a pancreaticoduodenectomy, or surgery to remove the cancer. It should be early enough that we can remove all of it and not most of it. From there, we'll decide if we want to start up rounds of chemotherapy and radiation."
"What's the survival rate?" Blaine murmurs, and my skin crawls. It's these kinds of facts that you are dying to hear, but at the same time scared as fuck to find out.
"Well, in a good percent of patients that are in Noah's situation, where removal by surgery is possible, a complete cure is possible. If the cancer has already spread, or the surgery doesn't work, well than survival rate is very low. I'm not going to lie to you. Pancreatic cancer is the fourth most common cause of cancer death across the globe."
We both suck in air and Blaine shakes violently. I slide my hand away from his and around his waist pulling him close. "I promised," I whisper into his hair, and he nods a shaky nod, letting out the breath he was holding.
"But!" The doctor starts, trying to keep us on the "it's going to be OK" train. "That's usually because diagnosis is so late, usually too late. Like I said, you are lucky. There is a possibility we could remove this whole thing with the surgery."
"When is the surgery?" I ask through gritted teeth.
"As soon as possible. We are looking at two weeks from now, at 8 a.m. We're having a specialist flown in, and that's the soonest time she's free."
"In two weeks…." Blaine murmurs. I know where he was going to go before he starts speaking, I mean I was thinking it too. "That's two more weeks for the cancer to spread. Don't we want to do it sooner?"
"We would if we could, but Dr. Allor is the most skilled person at this procedure, and it would be a safer bet to wait."
"It's only two weeks babe," I tell him, squeezing him (for what feels like the zillionth time) closer to me.
He looks sideways at me with determined eyes.
"Then we'll have to make those the best two weeks of our lives."
A/N – Rereading this I feel like this is just okay. Wahhh. What do you guys think?