The Totally Awesome Faceoff Between Sirius Black and Snape
By Anita Skeeter
Sirius stepped towards the Great Hall. He remembered the stench of pumpkin juice, well, as Remus would say, aroma. And then he saw Snape. Snape started to think. One of the thoughts growing in his mind flowed carefully out of his wand… Expelliarmus! "Ouch," said Sirius. "I thought we were going to have more of a heart-to-heart… or did you leave yours on a dusty old shelf somewhere?" "Why are we making this so intense, even? This is just a totally intense faceoff between secondary school enemies." "Ah, Sevvy, no idea you had a sense of humor." BOOM. Sirius laughed. Snape cried, "GRED AND FORGE WEASEL! TO MY OFFICE NO…" Silencio! Went Sirius' wand. "I do like those Weasley twins, remind me a bit of me." "So let's duel," intoned Snape, in his considerably quieter, silky voice. ZOOM. "Hey, who's there?" wondered Sirius. Then, "Ha, ha, ha. Sev, you are starting to look kind of… let's just say I now know why you never smile." For Snape's teeth had begun to grow. "This is so much like that spell Draco didn't use on that horrid Miss Granger!" observed Snape. "What now?" said Sirius. ! Was, what now. Why was Sirius inflating? Meanwhile, Snape's fangs had started to look a bit pointier and were steadily dripping tomato juice. Sirius was beginning to seem as if he was a hot air balloon. "Oh dear," they said, then "Jinx!" "What happens when you're a wizard and say jinks?" "JINX." Insisted Severus. "Then the magical monster from the great unknown comes and does that." "What?" "That." "Whatev, Sevvy." "Well then!" The two frenemies (not) waited. And they waited. "LOOM!" cried Sirius, with a faint Green Mountain twang. Snape started, then rolled his eyes. Probably just those stinking schoolkids. Just because something big and pink was looming over them didn't mean that Itq was going to happen. No, Itq was much too dangerous. Just to be safe, Snape tried to magic Snape out cold and send him to Mexico. In response, Sirius punched Snape out cold and sent him to the midst of the meeting Dumbly-door was having in Mexico. Haha, Sev, he thought. Can't win 'em all. But he hadn't had the last laugh. 'Cuz then he found out that the Big Pink Thing, his new BFFL because it had frightened Snape was not to be. It was actually a giant ministry warship like in Star Trek, and the Auror-Klingons started a fusillade of shots. Bangbangbangbangbang! So Sirius went to Hogsmeade and listened to some random muggle's recording of Shakira. And all was at peace, as the faint bangbangbang of ministry shots were heard- evidently the real Klingons were trying to sue the ministry for impersonation, but the ministry just wanted to bangbangbang their brand-new muggle guns, but anyway that's another story.