1A/N: New Fanfic. I had to get this out. It's LOST, told through the eyes of Charlie. This is a poem I wrote a while ago, but I'm going to tweak it around until it fits Charlie. I dedicate this to Victoria Lily, and to all the people we can't save...
Love Doesn't Want Me
I don't want them. You just don't understand. This burning desire singes through me with a piercing pain. It won't stop. It just won't stop. I don't want it to though. More than anything else you can imagine. I want the pain, the suffering, the heartbreak to just all fly away into the cold, harsh breeze that blows on this haunting island.
Take them away,
no leave them alone.
I don't want them,
but I can't let them be gone.
This habit I have, it fills me up. And I am so, so empty. Emptier than the bottom of the deepest well. Emptier than the sand that blows through a desert. Emptier than a body that has just been vanished of its soul. I have nothing to fill me up. I don't have any love, hope, or faith. I have nothing else to live for. Claire doesn't love me anymore. There is no hope of escaping this dreaded place. And why would I believe in faith, when faith is what has done this to me. No. No...
I live for these. These beautiful, ful-filling drugs...
There making me cry,
there making me scream!
But please leave them with me,
I'm not as strong as I seem..
And even though they make me sick, even though they drain all energy and life out of me, I still take them. For why do I need energy, when there is nothing for me to do? I'm not like the hero-saving Jack. I'm not like the wonderful Kate. I'm not like the beautiful Claire that takes care of a baby. I'm just Charlie. I have no purpose on this island. I have no purpose in life. So why would anyone care if I just wasted away? Who would care if I just faded into the thick, heavy sand around me?
Take them away,
no leave them alone.
I don't want them,
but I can't let them be gone.
When I take these, I see things. Oh, yes. I see many things that no one else can. I see people and hear voices. I know they aren't there, but inside my clouded mind they are. And while I'm still snorting them, the voices remain. Sometimes they scared me. Last night these voices scared me the most. I wanted them to stop, but they wouldn't. I grabbed my head in agony. Hot tears ran down my face. But still, still, they remained.
I'm addicted,
my feet cringe and I fall to my knees,
stop the voices from taunting and laughing please!
Take them away,
no leave them alone,
I don't want them,
but I can't let them be gone.
I don't think I could live without them. I know you think bad of me, but you don't understand. They are love. Love that I am so much deprived of. When they are gone, I miss them. Without them I go crazy. They make me forget everything. Forget about my pain. Forget about love. Forget about life. When I am taking these, everything in my mind is hazy. And I don't have to think. They think for me.
They are my life,
they're the things I need.
Without them I would die,
with them I won't succeed.
I need help,
no just let me be!
I just want to hold them close,
leave them alone please!
Locke took them away from me for while. But then, everything was okay. I had something else to fill me up. I had Claire. She was my drug. I depended on her. And she let me down, like so many others have done in my life. All I want is love...but love just doesn't want me...
My head is pounding,
help me I'm going to die!
No, just leave me alone,
so I can sit here and cry.
So that is why I take them. That is why I do what I do. Now do you understand? Even though they cause me pain and suffering, they give me more in return. They give me love. And soon, after I take so many, they'll give me ultimate rest. They'll take this life away from me, and I'll be empty of all these horrible, horrible memories. Of all these horrible... horrible... memories. And those who have been trying to save me, won't have to worry about me anymore. All those people who ever cared, will be free. Free of all the problems I cause...
They take my life away,
they're all I can think about.
Can't you see,
what these drugs do to me?
I'm addicted. Without these, I'm empty. Without these, I'm uncomplete. You understand now right? So as I sit here, snorting more and more up my nose, you know why I am. As I sit here, hot tears running down my cheeks, wanting nothing more than to stop, you'll know why I do what I do. I want to stop. But I can't. They're love. And I need love to survive.
My life,
My heart,
My soul,
My mind,
My strength,
My self-confidence,
My love,
My future,
all vanish away and kill,
everytime I pop one of these pills.
All I want is love...
But love just doesn't want me...
A/N: I hope I get my message across. Please Review. This was more for me than to really write a good fanfiction. I just had to get this out. Go check out Victoria Lily's new fanfiction too. It's called MATTHEW. Once again, REVIEW!
Oh, and the last line of the poem
all vanish away and kill,
everytime I pop one of these pills...
I know Charlie isn't popping pills. But it didn't seem right when I tried to change it. Sorry! I did change it to "all vanish away into these breeze, while I sit here, crying, taking these..." Tell me if you liked that better. Well, bye you guys!
Adalee