Disclaimer: I still don't own Persona… Such a depressing thought…
I hope you enjoy it!
-- -- --
Hatred
-- -- --
I hate Strega.
You may think that's a given. Their scumbag leader killed my best friend, and caused us a boatload and a half of trouble. But that's not it. I'm furious with them, sure, and I'd love to right-hook Takaya, but I don't really care enough about him and Jin to really hate them. I just want them gone.
I hate them because of Chidori.
If it weren't for Strega, we'd never have met her. We'd be blissfully ignorant of her existence. More specifically, Junpei would be. And if Junpei had never met her, never fallen for her, I wouldn't feel so damn weak.
He's oblivious to it, I think. But I've actually been watching Minato ever since he first arrived. Out of suspicion and curiosity at first, but even after I realized I could trust him I didn't stop. I kept telling myself it was out of admiration for his skill – not only in battle, as you'd expect, but also his skill in dealing with people. It was Shinji who finally pulled me up on it. Told me that if nothing else, I should at least be honest with myself about it.
-- -- --
"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"C'mon, Aki, even you're not that hard headed. Quit being such a damn coward and just admit it. If you're going to be a fag, at least be an honest fag. I don't know if it goes deeper, but I do know you at least want the guy."
"The hell?!That's what you think? Shinji, I'm just curious about the guy. He's different, and he's bloody strong."
"You ain't just after his strength. I've seen you around people you wanna learn from before, Aki, and this is different."
"Shin-"
"Whatever, man. You don't wanna talk about this, fine. It's not my problem. Just do me a favour and stop starin' at the poor guy so much before he gets freaked."
-- -- --
It took until after his death for me to admit it. Longer for me to accept it. Partly because of what I already knew.
When I did acknowledge how I felt, my heart broke.
Minato was hopelessly in love with Junpei. I had known this for months. I also knew that no matter what he did, Junpei wouldn't allow himself to feel the same, whether or not he could. He had the lovely red-haired girl who seemingly hated him, and at best tolerated him. He had no use for the mesmerising blue-haired enigma. He didn't see the heartbreaking longing in those silver eyes, soft lips forming a bittersweet smile as they murmured quiet encouragements, or his softening, submissive stance when Junpei approached – even when he was shouting and spoiling for a fight.
I did. And it effing well killed me.
I wanted him to treat me that way. I wanted him to speak to me as much as he did Junpei. I wanted him to love me, not the childish, bad-tempered idiot who'd never appreciate him. Junpei would never want him. I spend every morning cleaning up evidence of my dreams about him. I spent hours wondering whether his lips were firm or pliable, trying to surreptitiously gain some kind of physical contact from him, trying to identify exactly what the scent of his hair reminded me of (strangely, it was avocado and lemon).
As Chidori warmed to Junpei, those silver eyes turned to icy shields. Congratulating and encouraging, while I watched Junpei unknowingly stamp on his heart's shards and tried to refrain from punching him. His darling Chidori had broken my Minato's heart by entrancing him, and I could hardly bear the weight of how much I hated her for it.
When the midnight haired teen disappeared to his room, having heard his latest gushing report, I followed only a couple of minutes behind. When he didn't answer his door, I crept inside, hoping guiltily that I would have the chance to see his sleeping face – so cutely childlike, and a welcome change from the inscrutable mask he was typically hidden behind.
I didn't know you could lose control of your emotions (and your traitorous tongue) so much in a mere two minutes.
-- -- --
"Minato…"
"I'd like some time to myself if you don't mind, Akihiko-senpai."
"No. Look, I know you love him. And I'm sorry."
"Appreciated. Please, Akihiko-san, I just want some time. Lets talk about this later."
"You'll avoid it later. You shouldn't pine. Find someone else, you know? I mean, giving up would be better – he'll never want you when he has Chidori, so…"
"… Out. Now, please."
"Please, I can he—"
"You can what, senpai? I neither need nor desire help. Leave."
"Minato—"
"I said leave. I meant it as an order, Sanada-san."
"Fuck! This isn't Tartarus, you little brat. Don't be an arse to me because you're not worth Junpei's ti—"
-- -- --
I had a bruise for weeks – luckily he had been merciful and hit me in the stomach, so I didn't have to explain to the others how much of a viciously temperamental bastard I was.
Not much of a consolation considering the boy I Ioved - love - now thought I was an insensitive twat and wanted nothing more to do with me outside the necessary "Save The World" deal.
More than that though, I knew that I had lost any chance of him confiding in me when – as I knew would happen – he finally couldn't stand it, and I knew that that meant he had noone to confide in at all. I was relegated to the sidelines, and watched him close in on himself, to an even further extent than when he first arrived at the dorm. I wanted desperately to help him, to console him… Shamefully, I dreamed of holding him while he cried, and then him realizing that, actually, it was me he wanted all along. But I had already had my shot, and I had fucked it up spectacularly. I should have walked away, or thought about how my words sounded, or offered some small reassurance, or just stayed effing calm… Anything other than shouting those words that undoubtedly caused more damage than any shadow ever had. It was enough to make me almost glad Shinji wasn't around to see it – he would have been thoroughly ashamed of me, and I would undoubtedly have had two bruises instead of just the one.
-- -- --
It was almost the next full moon before I managed to get him alone to apologise, catching him just before he went to bed after another foray into Tartarus. He answered the door in only pyjama bottoms, and I stumbled through an apology that was so much less than the one I had planned, new-found nerves making me stutter and my hands shoved firmly into my pockets to hide my body's reaction to the object of my affection's half naked, moonlit body. Lucky really – had I had a hand free, I know I would have reached for him.
As it was, he accepted my apology, with a calm – if tired – nod and a slight, reassuring smile. Perhaps I had not blown my chance after all.
The next day, he spoke to me as he used to. Standing beside me while I ate my favourite cup ramen, asking without words how my day was, giving one short but meaningful sentence in return for my verbalised musings. His eyes were still a little distant, but friendly, and I received a whisper of a smile when I looked at him.
If ever there was a time for my heart to burst from my chest, that was it. Only Shinji's safe return to the world of the living could have made me happier.
-- -- --
We spoke often from then, and I found myself hanging out with him after school as often as twice a week. We became close friends, comfortable, letting the other in on small secrets, refraining from holding back quirks. I heard him laugh and just once – but, oh, what a once – sing. His eyes smiled for me almost constantly, and his reassurances progressed to a cool hand on my shoulder as well as the murmured words and small smile.
It was far from what I wished, but it was good.
The subject of his love for Junpei was never broached. I had resolved not to mention it before Minato did, and he remained as silent as ever.
-- -- --
Junpei returned as normal, and Minato went across to see him as normal. But instead of the usual half hour, it took him only five minutes to head upstairs.
I was the only one who recognized the heart-wrenching agony in those silver eyes, but this time the others could at least tell there was something wrong from his rapid disappearance.
Takeba was already querying what he had done to upset my boy when I crossed the room to them. His answer was confused, wondering himself what had caused his friend to leave in such a hurry. He turned to me, ready to respond to whatever probe I threw into the conversation, and my eyes caught the faintest gleam of pale lipstick smudged over the left edge of his bottom lip.
I didn't need to ask anything, and ignored their calls for me as I turned and headed after the boy.
-- -- --
I didn't bother knocking – he wouldn't have answered anyway – and was faced with a distraught and surprised Minato as I hurried across the threshold of his room. It seemed hard evidence of a kiss had been the final straw, triggering thoughts of more and – to him – far worse.
For a moment he sat frozen on his bed, and I had learned my lesson well. Before his cold fury at being intruded on could show, my arms were around him, my voice shush-ing and apologising. When he struggled, his strength surprised me, but I was larger than he and in a better position to make use of my strength, and I gripped him tighter until he went limp, dissolving into sobs.
-- -- --
After the third time one of the girls knocked to see if he was okay, I carried his still trembling form quickly across to my room, knowing that they wouldn't think to bother me, having each have been on the receiving end of one of my snarling reprimands when they had woken me or interrupted a difficult study session.
I sat holding him on my bed, leaning us back against the wall, hoping against hope that his scent would be caught and held by the duvet he rested on.
Once he calmed, he talked with me for a while, letting me in in such a way I don't think he had anyone else in years. To hear him speak so much all at once would have been wonderful if not for the subject.
Talk had turned to Chidori, Minato telling me how he felt so inadequate compared to her, how he wished he could hate her, but couldn't, because she made Junpei happy. Besides, how could he hate someone for loving the one he himself loved? I responded that I would hate her for both of us.
"You hate her?"
"Of course. She broke your heart."
I froze. The words had flowed out without me even thinking them, and now he was certain to… I wasn't sure. I did, however, know that he didn't love me, so the response to such an obvious admission could never be a good one.
He jerked back, and though I avoided meeting his eyes he caught my chin between pale fingers and forced me to do so. Those silver orbs were questioning, searching, and I felt so vulnerable I could hardly stand it. A long moment later he seemed satisfied and looked away, and I felt a rush of pride that I had at least succeeded in making him blush.
Then he took my hand, and I froze.
Minutes later, his lips on mine shocked me out of it. By this time he was draped over me, his hands reaching for every inch of me, pressing close, torturing me with firm but skittish movements of his hips against my own.
It was the thought of being dominated, not of the who, what and why that had me moving, lifting him as I stood, slamming him roughly against the wall as I thrust my tongue into his mouth and growled low in the back of my throat at the feel of him.
When I found I could no longer ignore my lungs screaming for oxygen I pulled back, but kept him pinned.
"You don't know what you're getting into, Minato. There's only so much I'll take, and this is the line." I released him, shoving him roughly towards the door, trying to ignore every cell of my body screaming for me to tug him back.
"Get out."
He walked, but it only made me panic. My mind shrieked and my body sang as his steps brought him closer to me instead of the handsome mahogany door behind him.
I was frozen. Part of me wishes I could say it was from fear, but lies don't suit me. I froze the way a predator would, full of anticipation as my delicate prey came forwards, waiting for the right moment. I had waited so fucking long for this, fought it, dreamed it, fantasised about it, and now, God-dammit, I was going to be rewarded at least once with this lovely creature for my patience.
When he pressed his body against mine, pushing his thigh firmly between my own, I could barely breathe. But his boldness had shocked me out of my predatory thoughts of trapping him, for which I was grateful.
"Make-believe, Aki," was breathed into the shell of my ear, making my heart stutter.
My voice followed suit as I whimpered a weak protest, more for my sake than his now, knowing that if this happened I still wouldn't have him, that I would wake alone and that it would shred my carefully held-together heart.
His answer was a soft nip of my throat, and a slight, psudeo-innocent grind of his hips into mine. In involuntary mix of a groan and a growl bubbled from me and my arms came up around him, my body acting without my consent in response to the orders of the fallen angel against it.
"I can't make you happy, I'm nothing like Ju-Uh!"
His hold turned tender, his tone warm as he hummed, "You do, Aki. You're my best friend – you make me very happy."
I felt sick. "Minato, please…"
"I know I can't have Junpei. But I can have you, and I do love you. Maybe not enough, but the world isn't perfect. I know it's me you want. I can make us both at least a little happy." He nuzzled against the join between my shoulder and neck, "Let's play pretend, Aki."
It was useless. Never mind smitten, I was thoroughly smote. I had been for months, and I knew it was hopeless saying no now – no matter what protest I came up with, Minato was more than enough to counter it.
"Be here in the morning." It was meant as a request, but it came out as a whimpered prayer, before I let the full weight of my feelings descend upon him, before I crushed my lips to his, smoothing and nibbling and licking, grinding my hips against his, making him gasp. Before I clutched him so hard I left bruises in my wake, making him cry out in those soft, low tones. Before I filled his body, if not his heart.
It was my name that passed through those lips as broken shards.
-- -- --
I was too rough, I knew. I hurt him, hoping he would run, and I would have a cold, lonely bed, a broken heart, and the opportunity to move on.
The cowards way out.
But when I slowly came back to myself the next morning I felt his cool flesh pressed against my side. Foolish, loyal boy.
"Be here tomorrow. Every tomorrow," I whispered to his sleeping self. "I can't mend your heart, but give me the pieces."
--
Thanks for reading! If you have time to click the pretty review button, please let me know what you thought!