I don't trust myself, a csi fanfic

Hey again! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season.

The song doesn't belong to me. "I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)" belongs to John Mayer and it is off of his Continuum CD. The song belongs to him. And the characters don't belong to me either (too bad)… I am sure you know who they belong to by now. General spoilers through season six.

No I'm not the man I used to be lately

See you met me at an interesting time

If my past is any sign of your future

You should be warned before I let you inside

He realized that he had changed. He acknowledged that fact. But why didn't she seem to get it? He wasn't the same man he was when they had first met all those years ago. Why didn't she see that?

When they had first met, he was captivated by her. She was unlike any other woman he had ever met. Hell, she was unlike anyone he had ever met period.

They spent so many evenings chatting over coffee or dinner. She would ask question after question, and he would attempt to answer them. She challenged him. He enjoyed their time together. A lot.

After a few days, he knew she wanted more. And, to be honest, so did he. But there was always that nagging voice in the back of his head. It would never work. He was leaving for Vegas soon and she would remain in San Francisco. Plus, she was young. A lot younger than him. Plus, he could never truly be what she needed… what she deserved. If his past was any indication of his future, he knew that she deserved better. He was a hard man to get to know and he enjoyed his time to himself, and that combination frustrated most of his past lovers.

So, when the time came, he boarded that plane. As they said their good-byes, he told her that she was a great friend, and he hoped they could keep in touch. And for years, he told himself that he didn't regret that decision. And then, one day, he called her and asked for her help… he asked her to come to Las Vegas. And she had. And she stayed. It was easy to convince himself that he didn't love her when she was hundreds of miles away. But now, he saw her every day. And that scared him. So he pushed her away, in an attempt to stop himself from loving her.

But, that didn't work. So he came to the same conclusions he had come to all those years ago in San Francisco. He resorted to the same rationalizations that kept him from falling too hard, and added some more. She was too young for him. He didn't want to jeopardize their careers. He could never be what she needed. She deserved more than he could give her.

So, why did she insist on pursuing "this"?

Hold on to whatever you find baby

Hold on to whatever will get you through

Hold on to whatever you find baby

I don't trust myself with loving you

I will beg my way into your garden

I will break my way out when it rains

Just to get back to the place where I started

So I can want you back all over again

He knew it wasn't fair, but he couldn't stop himself from playing this emotional game with her. And he hated himself for it. He would allow her to get close to him, and then push her away. He made comments like "since I met you" and called her "honey" and then not talk to her for weeks. He would find his way into her heart, and then want out.

And as much as he wanted to, he couldn't stop loving her.

Hold on to whatever you find baby

Hold on to whatever will get you through

Hold on to whatever you find baby

I don't trust myself with loving you

Who do you love?

Who do you love me or the thought of me? me or the thought of me?

When she continued to pursue him after coming to Las Vegas, he had to question her heart. Did she love him? Or did she love some idealized version of him? Would she be like all the others, who fell for him and then ran when he didn't meet their expectations? It had happened on numerous occasions… Terri Miller was not the first woman to walk out on a date when his cell phone rang.

Hold on to whatever you find baby

Hold on to whatever will get you through

Hold on to whatever you find baby

I don't trust myself with loving you

He wanted so badly to stop loving her. He knew that, given the chance, she could destroy him. He loved her more than anyone he had ever loved, and they weren't even together. He knew that if he fully opened his heart to her, he would never get it back. When he had found out she was dating that paramedic, it broke his heart. He thought he had lost his chance. He was ecstatic when he found out they had broken up. But he never told her that. Because then she would know he cared. He never looked her in the eyes. He was afraid that she would see the love in them.

Hold on to whatever you find baby

Hold on to whatever gets you through

Hold on to whatever you find baby

I don't trust myself with loving you

Despite all his attempts to rationalize away his feelings, it ultimately came down to one thing: he couldn't trust himself with loving her. There was far too much at stake.

Sorry it's so short guys… it was another one am inspiration, and it was a LONG day at work. Let me know what you think! If I see interest (and if I can find a suitable John Mayer song), I may write a sequel.