TITLE: Miracle Of Faith
AUTHOR: Helene
RATING: Same as the Show (PG-13)
SPOILERS: Not much spoilage, but everything, just in case.
FEEDBACK: Loved
***
I could see him, standing there, just hovering in the mist, watching me as I watched him back. With each second I could feel something inside me breaking. It was like some internal clock had suddenly gone off, and each stroke of the hand was a low, moaning bang inside my rib cage.
I saw the sadness in his face, though he was trying to keep that pale face passive, under years of learned calm, but I saw through it in an instant. I could do that to him, and the trade off was that he could do that to me. Could he see my sadness? Was I even trying to hide it? I couldn't quite feel anything, and I couldn't tell what kind of expression I bore. An angry one, a sad one, a stoic one, I didn't know, and wouldn't know until the dreams of this night started to plague me. I knew they would come, would seep into my slumber, and make my heart break all over again.
I loved him, and he loved me. How could he be doing this? The strength of gods didn't seem enough, I could feel his soul helplessly entangled in mine. I didn't understand it, but I didn't want to understand. This was something wrong, and understanding would involve accepting and I couldn't abide this. It was tearing at me already, and he hadn't even begun to walk away, just knowing that he was, was enough to make my blood run cold, and break me. What would it do when he started moving. And then I knew, because he turned and walked away.
And then I felt it, I felt what it would do to me. It made me run forward, surge with the stregth of Slayer and lover combined. I could feel the cold wind whipping past me, breaking against my skin, hear the curious shouts of firemen, students. My feet pounded the cement, so hard I thought my bones would break, pounding as hard as my heart. He heard me and turned around, barely realizing before I launched myself into his arms, holding him fiercely, and I thankful he was a Vampire, because I was hugging him so hard, I might have crushed him if he wasn't. It seemed so ironic... I was thankful he was a Vampire, when that was his reasoning for leaving.
"I won't let you go!" It seemed so strange to hear my voice, like it wasn't coming from my body, but around us, enveloping just us, in our little world, the world we usually reached when our eyes locked together. "I won't," I repeated in that disembodied voice.
"Buffy..." Angel began but he was hugging me too, just as tightly, just as fiercely afraid to let go. I could feel him bury his face in my hair, tangling his hands around me, as if he never wanted to let me go, and I prayed he wouldn't. I gripped him even harder, as if I could lock my fingers into him, and then truly he could never leave.
"Angel please," I whispered, and I could feel that he was crying to, could hear the shudder in him, feel the wet drops of salty water against my skin. "Please," I sobbed again, louder this time, terrified when it was quiet.
"Buffy I need to-"
"Stay with me," I cried into his chest. Had many times had I rested my head their, thinking it would always be their, that it would always be there for me, that he would be there, through it all. How many times had we promised eachother always?
"There's nothing for me to give you," Angel whispered defeatedly. His voice was as choked as mine. God, how can that be? How can love hurt so much?
"You can give me this," I whimper, pulling back enough to look into his eyes, and I rest my hand on his heart. "This is all I ask," I whisper, a broken, hurt, and worried, fearing whisper. "Can't you give me that?" I question desperately.
"You'll always have that," he tells me, stroking my cheek. I still havn't released my grip on him, nor him on me. I think we're both afraid of what will happen if we do, if then we'll definitely have to let go forever. I can't, and I won't.
"Then don't go," I reply, the whisper gone, and a forceful, guttaral plea is left behind.
"I-I-I have to-" and he trails away. I close my eyes tight, knowing what he'll say, what will be the next crushing blow. He'll have to leave, I can hear the words now.
"I have to be with you," he whispers, and I gasp, amazed that maybe he just said that, and terrified that I imagined it.
"I have to be with you too," I cry, pulling him ever closer again. We're crushing eachother and neither of us cares because it's only love I can feel, and all he can feel, so it's the best crushing sensation I've ever gotten. And then I realize I can't breath, and I start to say something until I see I can't even do that, and it's not Angel doing the crushing. I'm alone and I cry out for Angel. "Angel!?" Is he okay? Where did he go? Why can't I breath?
It's like the airs been sucked away, and everything else is closing around me, and I'm still being crushed. I sink to the ground and hear a strangled moan. I reach out to the moan, and I know it's Angel but before I can grasp him everything's gone, and I'm standing... in Faith's apartment?
"Hey B." I don't stiffen like I normally would at the greeting. I know where I am. I'm in our sub conciouses. But I'm not alone. I turn around, to find Angel standing beside me, bearing a confused expression.
"What?" he asks, and stiffens as he notices Faith. "Faith," he half growls. I place my hand on his shoulder reassuringly.
"It's all right Angel," I tell him, feeling all knowing and confident in this world Faith and I create. There's more of me here now. It's my bed, not hers, and the music in the background is my favorite song.
"Yeah, down Fang boy," Faith chides, and sidles up to the still broken window. She's watching the sun, and I can see by the smile gracing her face, the contented shrug of her shoulders, she's letting the wind wash over her. It ruffles her hair, and I can feel the breeze brush against me. She turns to me, a expression of complete peace on her face.
"It's over for me Buffy," she tells me, her eyes distant but smiling.
"Over?" I whisper.
"It's my time," she explains simply and sits on my bed, stroking her cat. She chuckles a little then glances back up. "I'm not exactly getting into Heaven this way," she says, gesturing to herself. "But I think I've found my redemption."
"How?" I ask.
"C'mon B, you can guess... why else would I bring the both of you here?" she asks, cocking her head in her smug manner. She crosses her arms and grins.
"I can't guess," I tell her. I reach out and grasp Angel's hand tightly.
"You get my life," Faith says simply, but I can tell by the gaze of her eyes that she's talking to Angel, and not me.
"What do you mean?" Angel asks, stepping ever closer to me. I shudder at the thought that moments before he was walking away from me forever. "What about your life?"
"It's no good for me anymore Angel m'boy. And I need a ticket to Heaven... not that I'm doing this in the purely selfish sense, don't get me wrong... but it's one of many reasons."
I smile softly at her. Faith's just came close to a babble. Human emotion seeping through?
"Heard that B," Faith says tapping her head. I look down sheepishly, realizing in our minds, that we can hear one another's thoughts. "But it's understandable." She turned back to Angel. "I'm giving you my humanity. Why waste it?"
"Faith, if there's a chance that you..."
"Angel, I can't to wake up," Faith practicaclly cries. "So now I'm off to a better place, where I can get helped." She shrugs. "It's my time Dead Boy." She laughed. "Had to get that out that little pet name before it wasn't true anymore."
Before anything else could be said she walked up to Angel and gripped his hand tightly. Her demeanor was challenging, genuine Faith, but her smile was soft. A blueish trail of light seemed to erupt from their bound hands, and Angel started shaking. Faith merely stood their, still tightening her grip. The glow encompassed the two, seemed to electrify and jolt them. It was like a fierce storm had erupted around them. Bolts of energy were like lightening, and the air turned to a beating wind. I was awestruck by the sight.
As suddenly as it had come, it was gone. Faith had vanished with the storming winds, and all that was left was Angel, who lay on the ground, breathing hard, clutching his chest. I ran over to him, terrified, worried, scared of what had happened.
"Angel?" I asked, taking his head into my lap, stroking his cheek. He was still breathing hard. I found that strange. Even though habit had him gasp and sigh, he usually checked the heavy breathing by now, reminding himself he didn't need it. I was startled when his hand gripped mine and placed it slowly over his chest. At first I didn't know what he was doing, then I felt the warmth of his hands. It was such an alien feeling, that it burned into my soft flesh. Then I felt the steady thrumming beneath my fingers, the pounding of his...heart. "Oh my God," I whispered.
Angel's eyes turned to meet mine, wide and shocked, but smiling too. "Buffy I'm-"
"Human," I finish for him, both our voices soft in awe. I helped Angel stand, and once on his feet he gripped my hand even tighter, seizing me in a tight, loving embrace.
"I'm human," he continued to repeat, amazed.
"You are," I repeated back. We stood like that for minutes, maybe hours, saying it over and over, gripping eachother once more, as if pulling back would break his humanity from him, leaving us once more alone.
"Forgive me," Angel whispered, stroking my hair. He pulled back just enough to look into my eyes, and he saw warmth and compassion there, love, not anger.
"Already forgiven," I breathed, and kissed him soundly on the lips. He returned the kiss, and we both knew, this was only the beginning.
***
In Sunnydale hospital one of the latest patients lay quietly in bed. Her physical wounds had healed, leaving her face blank of bruises, her stomach bereft of wounds. The heart monitor next to her began to beep loudly, quickly, almost as if the little box itself could panic. The nurses and doctors, seemingly out of nowhere streamed into the tiny room afforded the comatose girl, and desperately tried to shush the screeching box, settle her heart into a normal rythym.
But her body would have none of it. As she lay unmoving, the high pitched squeals turned to one low, moaning beep. A flat, endless line of steady sound. The room erupted in even more chaos and the lifeless body shook from panels sending jolts through her pale skin, but still the long beep continued. The room settled, and the girl was left in the bed, hope of her survival gone with the whispering footsteps of nurse's shoes, and defeated doctors.
One nurse stayed behind. She was an emotional woman, and it hurt her deeply whenever they lost one, especially one so young. She gently brushed a strand of dark hair out of the girls eyes, now forever closed. She touched her cheek gently, as if trying to offer comfort to the girl, and for the first time, the nurse noticed the change of the girls face. Gone was the scowl that had marred her features, and the nurse could have sworn she saw a soft smile curling her lips, a look of peace on her face.
***
"Well, it's safe to say, your strength's still in tact, not to mention some pretty quick healing," I teased, eyeing the cut on Angels side which had already begun to close as they returned to the mansion.
"I think it's Faith's energy..." Angel began, sitting down on the couch. I took his hand and squeezed it gently. I knew he felt guilty about Faith, torturing himself with thoughts that perhaps she would have made it if she hadn't given her humanity to him. His eyes fixed on mins as our hands met, and he smiled sadly. "She had the powers of a Slayer... I-I think I got them, that's why I'm like this... and not just another man."
I chuckle slightly, sitting down next to him, running my hand across his cheek. His skin is warm now, but it's a pleasent warm, a warmth I could wrap myself in and stay in forever. "You could never be like any other man, strength or no strength," I whisper softly. He smiles at me, something he's been doing more and more, and pulls me into his embrace. I snuggle into his arms, resting my head in it's familiar spot against his chest. I feel like he was built for me, and I for him. It seems strange, people can search their whole lives, and never find their soulmates, theor counterparts, and yet I hold him in my arms, and I'm barely 18.
"I love you, you know that right?" I ask.
Angel's eyes fill with warmth and love, and he returns those words, genuinely. "I love you too, ionuin... and I know."
"Good," I reply teasingly. I tentatively rise from my perch on the couch, allowing myself to reach his lips, gently meeting them with my own. He returns the kiss, just as gently. I feel his hold on me tighten, and I slip my hands around him, pulling him closer, feeling him pull against me. Our kiss turns passionate, hungry, and for once I don't have to warn myself to stop, that this is as far as it can go. I can lose myself in his arms again, in his love, in bliss. I feel his hands against my skin, unbuttoning my blouse, and I do the same with his silk shirt.
His lips tackle the spot at the base of my neck, the spot he knows I love to be kissed. I moan softly, half in contentment, half in relief that this can be happening without fear of consequences. And then I remember... consequences. My breath hitches in my throat, and pull back. He see's the sudden worry in my eyes, and I see his turn to worry as well. He leans back, giving me room, but still holding me reassuringly, sensing the sudden fragility to me.
"Buffy, what's wrong?" he asked gently, thumbing away the tear collecting in my eyes. "Tell me," he begs softly, and I melt at the compassion in his eyes.
"Angel..." I swallow hard, terrified of what will happen once I tell him. Will he leave me? "Angel... I can...I can't....one of the reasons you almost left me... was children..." I flit my gaze back up to him, and take his hand as if afraid he'll let go, and that's all I'll have to pull him back with. I try to keep my eyes meeting his, but I hurt so much, that it's hard. "And... the fact that you couldn't give them to me...well, Angel... I can't have children." The final words were whispered, and again my gaze fell. But he heard me, and I could feel his large, strong hands guiding my face to look at him again. But I don't see anger in his eyes, or pain, or sadness... only gentle compassion, for me.
"Buffy, I'm sorry... that news couldn't have been easy to hear... are you okay?" He's worried, but not for him or our future, only for me. I manage a small smile.
"I'm okay with it... I found out a week ago...but Angel, does this, change things for us? I mean, you were going to leave over it... will you leave now that I'm the one that...can't?"
"Oh God, Buffy, never!" he breathes, and pulls me close. "Never, never," he repeats, rocking me gently. I feel so safe in his arms, so at home. "I'm just worried about you."
"I'm okay," I say. "It's a shock... but... it's not like I had big plans of children to begin with," I explain. I pull back and look at him. "But yes, I'm okay."
He smiles at me, and I see relief, and happiness flare in his eyes. It's amazing that someone can care so much, and that I can care that much back. He settles back into the couch, with me still snuggled tightly in his arms.
Some times passes, and we relish in the simple joy of the others company, watching the fire burn before us. I sigh contentedly, and turn to back to him. "Angel?"
"Hmm?" I stand taking his hand and mine, and pull him up from the couch. I slowly walk backwards, guiding him to the bedroom. We sit on the bed together, and I can feel my desire for him begin to build, and I can see it building itself in his eyes as well. And I remember the words I said to him before. //I thought I lost you.// "I was worried I would lose you," I confided, resting my forehead against his.
"Shh..." he soothes, the same soothing sounds he whispered to me on that fateful night.
"I love you," I whisper again.
"I love you," he returns. Our arms circle one another, and again I feel his sweet kisses against my skin, my lips, and feel myself returning them, full force. We allow ourselves to become lost once more in the other, and I feel the miracle of true happiness once more. Everything for once is perfect, and I have my beloved to share with it. It's truly a miracle.
AUTHOR: Helene
RATING: Same as the Show (PG-13)
SPOILERS: Not much spoilage, but everything, just in case.
FEEDBACK: Loved
***
I could see him, standing there, just hovering in the mist, watching me as I watched him back. With each second I could feel something inside me breaking. It was like some internal clock had suddenly gone off, and each stroke of the hand was a low, moaning bang inside my rib cage.
I saw the sadness in his face, though he was trying to keep that pale face passive, under years of learned calm, but I saw through it in an instant. I could do that to him, and the trade off was that he could do that to me. Could he see my sadness? Was I even trying to hide it? I couldn't quite feel anything, and I couldn't tell what kind of expression I bore. An angry one, a sad one, a stoic one, I didn't know, and wouldn't know until the dreams of this night started to plague me. I knew they would come, would seep into my slumber, and make my heart break all over again.
I loved him, and he loved me. How could he be doing this? The strength of gods didn't seem enough, I could feel his soul helplessly entangled in mine. I didn't understand it, but I didn't want to understand. This was something wrong, and understanding would involve accepting and I couldn't abide this. It was tearing at me already, and he hadn't even begun to walk away, just knowing that he was, was enough to make my blood run cold, and break me. What would it do when he started moving. And then I knew, because he turned and walked away.
And then I felt it, I felt what it would do to me. It made me run forward, surge with the stregth of Slayer and lover combined. I could feel the cold wind whipping past me, breaking against my skin, hear the curious shouts of firemen, students. My feet pounded the cement, so hard I thought my bones would break, pounding as hard as my heart. He heard me and turned around, barely realizing before I launched myself into his arms, holding him fiercely, and I thankful he was a Vampire, because I was hugging him so hard, I might have crushed him if he wasn't. It seemed so ironic... I was thankful he was a Vampire, when that was his reasoning for leaving.
"I won't let you go!" It seemed so strange to hear my voice, like it wasn't coming from my body, but around us, enveloping just us, in our little world, the world we usually reached when our eyes locked together. "I won't," I repeated in that disembodied voice.
"Buffy..." Angel began but he was hugging me too, just as tightly, just as fiercely afraid to let go. I could feel him bury his face in my hair, tangling his hands around me, as if he never wanted to let me go, and I prayed he wouldn't. I gripped him even harder, as if I could lock my fingers into him, and then truly he could never leave.
"Angel please," I whispered, and I could feel that he was crying to, could hear the shudder in him, feel the wet drops of salty water against my skin. "Please," I sobbed again, louder this time, terrified when it was quiet.
"Buffy I need to-"
"Stay with me," I cried into his chest. Had many times had I rested my head their, thinking it would always be their, that it would always be there for me, that he would be there, through it all. How many times had we promised eachother always?
"There's nothing for me to give you," Angel whispered defeatedly. His voice was as choked as mine. God, how can that be? How can love hurt so much?
"You can give me this," I whimper, pulling back enough to look into his eyes, and I rest my hand on his heart. "This is all I ask," I whisper, a broken, hurt, and worried, fearing whisper. "Can't you give me that?" I question desperately.
"You'll always have that," he tells me, stroking my cheek. I still havn't released my grip on him, nor him on me. I think we're both afraid of what will happen if we do, if then we'll definitely have to let go forever. I can't, and I won't.
"Then don't go," I reply, the whisper gone, and a forceful, guttaral plea is left behind.
"I-I-I have to-" and he trails away. I close my eyes tight, knowing what he'll say, what will be the next crushing blow. He'll have to leave, I can hear the words now.
"I have to be with you," he whispers, and I gasp, amazed that maybe he just said that, and terrified that I imagined it.
"I have to be with you too," I cry, pulling him ever closer again. We're crushing eachother and neither of us cares because it's only love I can feel, and all he can feel, so it's the best crushing sensation I've ever gotten. And then I realize I can't breath, and I start to say something until I see I can't even do that, and it's not Angel doing the crushing. I'm alone and I cry out for Angel. "Angel!?" Is he okay? Where did he go? Why can't I breath?
It's like the airs been sucked away, and everything else is closing around me, and I'm still being crushed. I sink to the ground and hear a strangled moan. I reach out to the moan, and I know it's Angel but before I can grasp him everything's gone, and I'm standing... in Faith's apartment?
"Hey B." I don't stiffen like I normally would at the greeting. I know where I am. I'm in our sub conciouses. But I'm not alone. I turn around, to find Angel standing beside me, bearing a confused expression.
"What?" he asks, and stiffens as he notices Faith. "Faith," he half growls. I place my hand on his shoulder reassuringly.
"It's all right Angel," I tell him, feeling all knowing and confident in this world Faith and I create. There's more of me here now. It's my bed, not hers, and the music in the background is my favorite song.
"Yeah, down Fang boy," Faith chides, and sidles up to the still broken window. She's watching the sun, and I can see by the smile gracing her face, the contented shrug of her shoulders, she's letting the wind wash over her. It ruffles her hair, and I can feel the breeze brush against me. She turns to me, a expression of complete peace on her face.
"It's over for me Buffy," she tells me, her eyes distant but smiling.
"Over?" I whisper.
"It's my time," she explains simply and sits on my bed, stroking her cat. She chuckles a little then glances back up. "I'm not exactly getting into Heaven this way," she says, gesturing to herself. "But I think I've found my redemption."
"How?" I ask.
"C'mon B, you can guess... why else would I bring the both of you here?" she asks, cocking her head in her smug manner. She crosses her arms and grins.
"I can't guess," I tell her. I reach out and grasp Angel's hand tightly.
"You get my life," Faith says simply, but I can tell by the gaze of her eyes that she's talking to Angel, and not me.
"What do you mean?" Angel asks, stepping ever closer to me. I shudder at the thought that moments before he was walking away from me forever. "What about your life?"
"It's no good for me anymore Angel m'boy. And I need a ticket to Heaven... not that I'm doing this in the purely selfish sense, don't get me wrong... but it's one of many reasons."
I smile softly at her. Faith's just came close to a babble. Human emotion seeping through?
"Heard that B," Faith says tapping her head. I look down sheepishly, realizing in our minds, that we can hear one another's thoughts. "But it's understandable." She turned back to Angel. "I'm giving you my humanity. Why waste it?"
"Faith, if there's a chance that you..."
"Angel, I can't to wake up," Faith practicaclly cries. "So now I'm off to a better place, where I can get helped." She shrugs. "It's my time Dead Boy." She laughed. "Had to get that out that little pet name before it wasn't true anymore."
Before anything else could be said she walked up to Angel and gripped his hand tightly. Her demeanor was challenging, genuine Faith, but her smile was soft. A blueish trail of light seemed to erupt from their bound hands, and Angel started shaking. Faith merely stood their, still tightening her grip. The glow encompassed the two, seemed to electrify and jolt them. It was like a fierce storm had erupted around them. Bolts of energy were like lightening, and the air turned to a beating wind. I was awestruck by the sight.
As suddenly as it had come, it was gone. Faith had vanished with the storming winds, and all that was left was Angel, who lay on the ground, breathing hard, clutching his chest. I ran over to him, terrified, worried, scared of what had happened.
"Angel?" I asked, taking his head into my lap, stroking his cheek. He was still breathing hard. I found that strange. Even though habit had him gasp and sigh, he usually checked the heavy breathing by now, reminding himself he didn't need it. I was startled when his hand gripped mine and placed it slowly over his chest. At first I didn't know what he was doing, then I felt the warmth of his hands. It was such an alien feeling, that it burned into my soft flesh. Then I felt the steady thrumming beneath my fingers, the pounding of his...heart. "Oh my God," I whispered.
Angel's eyes turned to meet mine, wide and shocked, but smiling too. "Buffy I'm-"
"Human," I finish for him, both our voices soft in awe. I helped Angel stand, and once on his feet he gripped my hand even tighter, seizing me in a tight, loving embrace.
"I'm human," he continued to repeat, amazed.
"You are," I repeated back. We stood like that for minutes, maybe hours, saying it over and over, gripping eachother once more, as if pulling back would break his humanity from him, leaving us once more alone.
"Forgive me," Angel whispered, stroking my hair. He pulled back just enough to look into my eyes, and he saw warmth and compassion there, love, not anger.
"Already forgiven," I breathed, and kissed him soundly on the lips. He returned the kiss, and we both knew, this was only the beginning.
***
In Sunnydale hospital one of the latest patients lay quietly in bed. Her physical wounds had healed, leaving her face blank of bruises, her stomach bereft of wounds. The heart monitor next to her began to beep loudly, quickly, almost as if the little box itself could panic. The nurses and doctors, seemingly out of nowhere streamed into the tiny room afforded the comatose girl, and desperately tried to shush the screeching box, settle her heart into a normal rythym.
But her body would have none of it. As she lay unmoving, the high pitched squeals turned to one low, moaning beep. A flat, endless line of steady sound. The room erupted in even more chaos and the lifeless body shook from panels sending jolts through her pale skin, but still the long beep continued. The room settled, and the girl was left in the bed, hope of her survival gone with the whispering footsteps of nurse's shoes, and defeated doctors.
One nurse stayed behind. She was an emotional woman, and it hurt her deeply whenever they lost one, especially one so young. She gently brushed a strand of dark hair out of the girls eyes, now forever closed. She touched her cheek gently, as if trying to offer comfort to the girl, and for the first time, the nurse noticed the change of the girls face. Gone was the scowl that had marred her features, and the nurse could have sworn she saw a soft smile curling her lips, a look of peace on her face.
***
"Well, it's safe to say, your strength's still in tact, not to mention some pretty quick healing," I teased, eyeing the cut on Angels side which had already begun to close as they returned to the mansion.
"I think it's Faith's energy..." Angel began, sitting down on the couch. I took his hand and squeezed it gently. I knew he felt guilty about Faith, torturing himself with thoughts that perhaps she would have made it if she hadn't given her humanity to him. His eyes fixed on mins as our hands met, and he smiled sadly. "She had the powers of a Slayer... I-I think I got them, that's why I'm like this... and not just another man."
I chuckle slightly, sitting down next to him, running my hand across his cheek. His skin is warm now, but it's a pleasent warm, a warmth I could wrap myself in and stay in forever. "You could never be like any other man, strength or no strength," I whisper softly. He smiles at me, something he's been doing more and more, and pulls me into his embrace. I snuggle into his arms, resting my head in it's familiar spot against his chest. I feel like he was built for me, and I for him. It seems strange, people can search their whole lives, and never find their soulmates, theor counterparts, and yet I hold him in my arms, and I'm barely 18.
"I love you, you know that right?" I ask.
Angel's eyes fill with warmth and love, and he returns those words, genuinely. "I love you too, ionuin... and I know."
"Good," I reply teasingly. I tentatively rise from my perch on the couch, allowing myself to reach his lips, gently meeting them with my own. He returns the kiss, just as gently. I feel his hold on me tighten, and I slip my hands around him, pulling him closer, feeling him pull against me. Our kiss turns passionate, hungry, and for once I don't have to warn myself to stop, that this is as far as it can go. I can lose myself in his arms again, in his love, in bliss. I feel his hands against my skin, unbuttoning my blouse, and I do the same with his silk shirt.
His lips tackle the spot at the base of my neck, the spot he knows I love to be kissed. I moan softly, half in contentment, half in relief that this can be happening without fear of consequences. And then I remember... consequences. My breath hitches in my throat, and pull back. He see's the sudden worry in my eyes, and I see his turn to worry as well. He leans back, giving me room, but still holding me reassuringly, sensing the sudden fragility to me.
"Buffy, what's wrong?" he asked gently, thumbing away the tear collecting in my eyes. "Tell me," he begs softly, and I melt at the compassion in his eyes.
"Angel..." I swallow hard, terrified of what will happen once I tell him. Will he leave me? "Angel... I can...I can't....one of the reasons you almost left me... was children..." I flit my gaze back up to him, and take his hand as if afraid he'll let go, and that's all I'll have to pull him back with. I try to keep my eyes meeting his, but I hurt so much, that it's hard. "And... the fact that you couldn't give them to me...well, Angel... I can't have children." The final words were whispered, and again my gaze fell. But he heard me, and I could feel his large, strong hands guiding my face to look at him again. But I don't see anger in his eyes, or pain, or sadness... only gentle compassion, for me.
"Buffy, I'm sorry... that news couldn't have been easy to hear... are you okay?" He's worried, but not for him or our future, only for me. I manage a small smile.
"I'm okay with it... I found out a week ago...but Angel, does this, change things for us? I mean, you were going to leave over it... will you leave now that I'm the one that...can't?"
"Oh God, Buffy, never!" he breathes, and pulls me close. "Never, never," he repeats, rocking me gently. I feel so safe in his arms, so at home. "I'm just worried about you."
"I'm okay," I say. "It's a shock... but... it's not like I had big plans of children to begin with," I explain. I pull back and look at him. "But yes, I'm okay."
He smiles at me, and I see relief, and happiness flare in his eyes. It's amazing that someone can care so much, and that I can care that much back. He settles back into the couch, with me still snuggled tightly in his arms.
Some times passes, and we relish in the simple joy of the others company, watching the fire burn before us. I sigh contentedly, and turn to back to him. "Angel?"
"Hmm?" I stand taking his hand and mine, and pull him up from the couch. I slowly walk backwards, guiding him to the bedroom. We sit on the bed together, and I can feel my desire for him begin to build, and I can see it building itself in his eyes as well. And I remember the words I said to him before. //I thought I lost you.// "I was worried I would lose you," I confided, resting my forehead against his.
"Shh..." he soothes, the same soothing sounds he whispered to me on that fateful night.
"I love you," I whisper again.
"I love you," he returns. Our arms circle one another, and again I feel his sweet kisses against my skin, my lips, and feel myself returning them, full force. We allow ourselves to become lost once more in the other, and I feel the miracle of true happiness once more. Everything for once is perfect, and I have my beloved to share with it. It's truly a miracle.