The Giant Korean Killer Spider

(Author's Note: Pre-slash? Established relationship? I kind of like the fact that it's ambiguous.)

Hawkeye and B.J. laughed their way back to the Swamp after the Halloween party in the mess tent. It'd been a terrifically fun night but it was late and they were partied out, and their cots looked very inviting for a change.

"You know, Beej," Hawkeye said as he flung himself onto his bed, "amidst all the fun and games and laughter tonight, we've managed to overlook the big, scary threat that looms on this night of All Hallows' Eve."

"Yeah? What's that, Hawk?"

"The Giant Korean Killer Spider." Hawkeye looked over at B.J., who was sprawled spread-eagle on his own cot. "Haven't you heard about it?"

"Enlighten me," B.J. said, smiling, very much in the mood for a Hawkeye Pierce bedtime story.

"It's huge, Beej, this killer spider. As big as a jeep. And it has a mouth filled with razor-sharp teeth."

"Spiders don't have teeth."

"Well this one does," Hawkeye replied in an annoyed tone.

"OK, OK. I believe you," B.J. played along. "So it's this huge spider with lots of teeth."

"That's right. And he only comes out of hiding once a year. On Halloween night, after everyone's asleep. And here comes the weirdest part of all. Are you ready?"

"I'm all a-tingle. Lay it on me."

"He only preys on men with cheesy moustaches. Everyone else—absolutely everyone—is safe."

B.J. propped himself up on his elbows and sent a patented B.J. Hunnicutt smirk in Hawkeye's direction. He didn't even have to say anything; the look on his face spoke volumes.

Hawkeye raised his hand in a Scout's Honor gesture. "I swear to God, Beej, it's true. The Giant Korean Killer Spider will wander from tent to tent, seeking out men with cheesy moustaches. And when he finds them, he'll rip them from limb to limb, eat them with his razor-sharp teeth, and leave absolutely nothing behind. Poof! Those people are just gone the next day. Pretty scary, huh?"

B.J. tried to swallow the smile that had, against his better judgment, formed on his face. He settled back down on his cot and contemplated the ceiling for a minute. "I wonder, then…"

"Yeah?"

B.J. said slowly, deliberately, "Well, you know… I'm just thinking out loud here. But I wonder if I should shave off my moustache."

After a beat: "Well that's up to you, Beej. But I will say that it's the only way to absolutely guarantee your safety tonight."

"Hmmm." B.J. pretended to think it over seriously and at length. Eventually he said, "Nah. I'm pretty attached to this thing. I think I'll keep it after all."

"Oh." Hawkeye sounded genuinely disappointed. B.J.'s smile grew. After a long moment, Hawk continued, "Well, if you're not here in the morning, I just want to tell you that you've been a great friend."

"Hold on a second, there, Hawk. I have another thought. Let me know what you think about this idea."

"Shoot."

"I wonder if I'd be safer sharing somebody else's bed. You know, safety in numbers and all that. A moustached person taking refuge with a non-moustached person. Might throw the spider off. You follow me?"

There was a pause from the other side of the room. But a brief one. "Yeah, I see what you're saying. You know, I think that could work. I'll bet he'd never find you if you were with… somebody else."

B.J. heard Hawkeye shifting on his bed. Making room. He got up and took the three steps over there, then lay down on the cot next to his best friend. His arms circled around Hawkeye, pulling him close, and he felt instantly warm and content and sleepy.

"Terrific idea, Beej. You'll be safe here."

"Thanks, Hawk," he murmured into the other man's shoulder. "Good night."

"G'night."

They drifted off to sleep in each other's arms, smiles on their faces. Halloween night passed peacefully, and the Giant Korean Killer Spider didn't come calling.