A/N: Hi guys, this OB fanfic contains only one of the clones: Cosima. We don't know a lot about her background and I thought it would be cool to write a few oneshots about her, so it's mostly headcanon. It was supposed to be a one-chapter fic, but it became too long and I made the decision to cut it into two parts. English isn't my first language and there will be a few mistakes, so if this bothers you, please don't read this story. It's rated M just to be safe, nothing (too) graphic. Some oneshots are fluffy, some a little angsty, some a little weird, but I hope you'll like it anyway :)
PS: for those who enjoyed my Vauseman fic and asked me to write another one, I probably will, but I needed a little Vauseman break after finishing Moments and want to watch S6 first (still haven't seen it. I'm terrible I know).
Maturation
The ways in which we grow and develop throughout the lifespan
I took a deep breath as I curled my trembling fingers around the door handle, secretly hoping thewaiting room wouldn't be packed with pregnant women, babies and screaming toddlers. I've been here so many times, but I still get nervous. I slowly opened the door and let out a sigh of relief as I focused on my surroundings, thank God it wasn't too busy. A young couple sat in the right corner, holding their newborn twins in their arms.
"Goodmorning."
A warm voice caught my attention and I turned my head to the left to see a blonde young woman smiling at me.
"Goodmorning," I replied politely and sat down next to her.
"Are you here to see doctor Wilson too?" she continued, painfully reminding me of the sonographer I would probably never meet.
"No, I'm not expecting yet."
Her face turned a light shade of pink as she looked down at her fingers fumbling in her lap. The awkward silence that followed was slightly uncomfortable.
"I'm three weeks along," the woman tried again, rubbing her still flat belly as if she could feel something.I don't know how I did it, but I managed to suppress a very obvious and exasperated eye-roll.
"Congratulations," I mumbled, trying my best to sound happy for her.
"I'm Ruth, and this is my mother, Elizabeth," she said, pointing to the older woman sitting next to her and that's when I noticed a few purple bruises staining her delicate pale wrists. Abusive husband? That's probably why she brought her mother with her.
"Nice to meet you," I replied flatly, not even bothering to tell her my name.
"Are you alone?"
"Yes," I nodded. "My husband is in England at the moment, attending some kind of conference. He'll be home next week."
Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought of him, my husband… my rock. My everything. It was during the war that my father-in-law fled Germany and ended up in Greece, where he met a beautiful Greek goddess. They fell in love, married quickly, and my mother-in-law gave birth to a son nine months later. I, the youngest of six children, grew up in a small village just outside of Patras and have always dreamed of becoming a scientist. I had just turned nineteen when I met him at the University of Athens, where we both studied astrophysics. I still remember the first day I walked into the classroom and my eyes locked on his… a handsome young man with brown eyes and the cockiest grin I had ever seen. It was love at first sight and we became the most popular couple on campus. After our graduation, we decided to move to San Francisco and continue our studies at the University of Berkeley. America… the land of opportunities. We love California, but we still miss our family in Greece.
"Don't you want him to be by your side on a day like this?" she asked, bringing me back to the present.
"Not really," I sighed, shaking my head. "This will be our tenth attempt, it's not like we're expecting to get pregnant this time."
"I'm sorry," she whispered, reaching for my hand to give it a soft reassuring squeeze. "It will happen someday. You and your husband chose the best IVF clinic in the world."
Someday? I seriously doubt it. I'm forty already and we've been trying for a baby for almost eight years now. I bet we've seen every fertility clinic in the USA, tried every hormone therapy and even discussed the option of donors or adoption. We were about to give up, when one of our colleagues told me about the DYAD Institute. My husband was a little apprehensive at first, but after a few emotional conversations, he gave in. We both took a sabbatical and decided to move to Toronto for a year. We're going home by the end of summer and agreed to stop trying if I'm still not pregnant by then. I love my husband, but I'm not looking forward to a childless life.
"So, are you from around here? Maybe we can meet up for coffee this weekend and share our pregnancy issues?" she asked, a little too eager.
"No, my husband and I are both professors at Berekely and we're moving back at the end of August."
"Professors? You must be really smart then. You're husband isn't intimidated by your intelligence?"
My eyes widened in surprise and I tried my best to form a response, when an old looking doctor opened the door to his office, calling in his next patient.
"Ruth Childs?"
The young woman and her mother stood up from their seats and made their way towards the examination room.
"Oh well, it was nice meeting you," Ruth said and I nodded before I closed my eyes.
I don't like to admit it, but I disliked Ruth… I dislike every woman who has the honor of carrying a baby inside her womb. It's so unfair, why me? Why us? Eugene and I have so much love to give, so much love to raise a child, to help him or her grow and discover everything the world has to offer. We even turned one of the guestrooms into a nursery a few years ago. It's beautiful, so absolutely perfect. The only thing that's missing is the child itself. The child that probably will never be born. I'm sure all of our friends and family think we're completely insane, but I guess it helps the raw grieving process that has already started.
"Salome Niehaus?" a low voice reached my ears, interrupting my daydream. "You can come in."
I smiled at the young man standing in front of me, probably still a student, and followed him into the examination room.
"Hi Sally, it's good to see you again," a woman with a familiar face smiled at me, placing a few medical instruments on the table and sliding a pair of gloves over her hands.
"Hi Susan, how are you?"
"I'm fine, thank you," she replied. "You already know this routine don't you? Just undress from the waist down and get comfortable my dear."
I did what I was told, positioned myself on the examination table and put my feet up in the stirrups, opening my legs wide as I closed my eyes and took a deep, shaky breath.
"So, Gene is in London isn't he?" she asked, gently pushing the speculum inside of me.
"Yes, he immediately left after he dropped off his sperm three days ago. He'll be home next week."
She looked me in the eye and smiled again as she inserted a tube through my cervix, causing a familiar cramping in my belly.
"Do you have kids Susan?" I asked, suddenly feeling the urge to know.
"No not yet, Ethan and I are currently into the adoption process. I'm sure it won't take very long anymore."
"That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you guys," I managed to whisper in a cracked voice.
I looked up to the clincal white ceiling while she placed my now fertilized egg back into my uturus. My thumb started to stroke the warm skin of my lower adobmen and my heart began to race, hoping for a successful insemination this time. I felt Susan's hand squeeze my knee when she pulled the speculum out of me.
"It's done sweetheart. You can go home now," her gentle voice filled my ears.
I brought my hand up to my mouth, trying to stifle the gasps that escaped from my throat as my whole body shook with sobs, intensely longing for the child I would probably never have.
It was quiet when we walked into the empty colorful waiting room that I hadn't seen in nearly three years. I sat down in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs while my daughter ran towards the play corner and began sorting the little Lego bricks by color. My lips curled into an encouraging smile as she locked her brown eyes on mine.
"It's okay Coco, you can play."
She nodded and focused her attention back on the Lego. I didn't want to be here and I inwardly cursed my husband for not being there with us. I hate this hospital so much.
Our baby girl was born here four years ago and four weeks before the due date. Apparently, she couldn't wait any longer and was ready to explore the world with her curious mind, but the doctors wanted to keep an eye on her growth and forced us to visit this place on a monthly basis. Gene and I grew suspicious, but couldn't put our finger on it. After a year of strange doctor's appoinments, we decided to sell the house and began to travel the world with our toddler. We've seen a lot of countries, met some very inspiring people and explored a variation of different cultures, but we didn't want our daughter to be home-schooled and traveled back to San Francisco, where we bought ourselves a houseboat and went back to work.
I glanced at my little girl, who was still sitting on the ground, sorting her Lego bricks, her brows furrowed in concentration. It was her kindergarten teacher who had adviced us to get our daughter tested on autism and recommended doctor Brown. We were shocked at first. Autism? Our precious Cosima? Gene and I discussed it for a couple days and agreed to schedule an appointment with doctor Brown, because we only want what's best for our daughter.
Suddenly, the door opened, bringing me back to the present as a young father walked in, holding his daughter's hand.
"Oh look Bella, that girl over there is already playing with the Lego, maybe you can play together," he suggested, encouraging her to approach Cosima. I sucked in a breath, hoping the girl wouldn't pull my daughter out of her concentration and interrupt her playing routine.
Bella shuffled towards her, carrying two dolls under her tiny arm.
"Wanna play?" she asked softly, causing Cosima to snap her head up. "You can be the princess," the girl continued, offering my daughter one of her dolls. I could see Cosima's cheeks reddening as her curious eyes took in the girl before her and I already knew how this was going to end. Cosima stood up, and I couldn't help but notice how small she was compared to the other girl. Her short legs ran towards me and she crawled into my lap, burrying her flushed face into my chest.
"What's your name?" the girl tried again, placing her hand on my daughter's leg and I could feel Cosima stiffen against me as she did so.
"This is Cosima, but she's a little shy," I lied, kissing the top of my daughter's head to comfort her. Cosima isn't shy at all, at least not when she's talking to adults, but she just doesn't know how to interact with kids her own age. The girl merely shrugged, walked away and began to create something with Cosima's perfectly sorted Lego bricks. I desperately hoped Cosima wouldn't notice that the girl was messing up her work, because that would definitely send her into a screaming fit and I couldn't deal with one of her tantrums right now.
"Do you want your Mr. Cuddles?" I offered quickly, already reaching inside my handbag to grab her stuffed dinosaur and trying to distract her. One of my brothers gave it to her for her third birthday, which we celebrated in Greece, and Cosima has developed a huge obsession with dinosaurs ever since. It's basically the only thing she wants to talk about.
"Niehaus?"
I looked up to see a friendly looking man standing in front of us and stood up to shake is hand.
"Nathan Brown," he introduced himself before we walked into his office. I sat down in a chair that was a lot more comfortable than those plastic ones from the waiting room. Cosima crawled into my lap once again, still clutching Mr. Cuddles against her chest.
"And what's your name darling?" he asked her, trying to make eye contact, which my daughter expertly avoided.
"Cosima," she whispered.
"That's a very pretty name Cosima."
"It's Greek," she explained, finally looking him in the eye.
Cosima. Eugene and I fell in love with the name the first time we heard it. We've always wanted to give our children Greek names, because of our origin. We're both astrophysicists and the name also reminded us of the word cosmos… a shared passion of ours.
"A very special name for a very special young lady. And how old are you Cosima?"
"Four," she answered proudly, sticking four tiny fingers in the air.
"Four? You're a big girl already."
She nodded, flashing him a toothy grin, the one that always reminds me of a young Gene.
"Did you bring her favorite toy, Sally?" Nathan asked, shifting his attention back to me.
"Of course, that's what you asked right?"
I picked up my handbag from the floor, pulled out ten plastic miniature dinosaurs and placed them on his desk.
"Shall we play together?" he asked my daughter, picking up one of the beasts.
"Okay."
Cosima grabbed two dinosaurs and positioned them next to each other on Nathan's desk before picking up a third. Suddenly, Nathan made a fake growling sound and let his dinosaur jump the one in Cosima's hand. She retrieved her arm and raised her eyebrows sarcastically.
"What are you doing?" she asked softly.
"Pretending to eat your dino with the one I chose."
"Why?"
"Because we're pretending to be dinosaurs right?"
She ignored his question and continued sorting her plastic animals.
"You don't like my game Cosima?"
"No."
"Why is that?"
"Because it's fake?" she explained, clicking her tongue in disapproval and waving her hand through the air dismissively. I had to suppress a snort of amusement… cheeky girl.
"Okay, explain to me how you normally play and I'll do whatever you want me to."
"Just place them in a row like I do," my daughter instructed. "Look, the first one is a Plateosaurus. He's the oldest, because he is from the Triassic. The second one is a Diplodocus. He's from the Jurassic period, you see?"
Nathan nodded, scribbling something on his paper at the same time.
"The one you chose is a Triceratops. He's from the Cretaceous, so he's one of the youngest and we'll put him at the end of this row. Get it?"
"Yes, I understand. This is a very cool game, but I think it's better if you play by yourself allright? I don't know anything about dinosaurs and I need to talk to your mom for a while okay?"
Cosima didn't respond, already too caught up in her unusual play. I took a sip of my coffee and felt my heart swell with love at the sight of her.
"So, Sally," he began. "Your daughter is conceived through IVF? At the Dyad Institute?"
"Yes," I whispered, eyes wide. "You know them?"
"I used to work for them when I was in my twenties, but I quit after I met my girlfriend, who lives here in San Fran."
A strange feeling of suspicion unfolded in my stomach as I looked him in the eye, trying to detect a lie.
"That's a funny… coincidence."
"Yes, it certainly is," he agreed. "Cosima had an IQ-test at school a few weeks ago, am I right?"
I nodded, not trusting my own voice at this point.
"The results came back this morning." He handed me a piece of paper. I quickly scanned the letters and numbers.
"147?"
"Yes, congratulations. You and your husband created a little genius."
I wasn't sure how I was suppose to feel about this new piece of information. Of course I knew Cosima was very intelligent, but I didn't expect her to be that smart.
"Let's talk about Cosima's development right now, so I can rule out the possibility of autism."
"Okay."
"Does Cosima interact with her peers?"
"No, she mostly ignores them."
He nodded and wrote my answer down on his notebook.
"Does she have friends at school?"
"I don't think so. She has never mentioned a friend. I don't think she's very interested in friendships at this age."
"Does she ever play with other children?"
"Sometimes, but she's very picky."
"She doesn't seem the type of kid who likes to play house?"
"No, Cosima doesn't have a huge imagination like most kids. She prefers facts to fiction. Games like playing house are very difficult for her to understand. She doesn't really engage."
He looked at my daughter, observing her and taking notes as she continued to categorize her dinosaurs with great precision.
"Does she interact with adults?"
"Yes, she loves talking to them. Asks a thousand questions a day. She has an insatiable hunger for knowledge."
"What about her motor skills? Can she run for example? Or trow a ball? Tie her own shoelaces?"
"I think her motor skill are still developing. I mean she's only four right? But to answer your question, yes, she can throw a ball, but she can't catch one and she can't ride her bike yet. She also still needs help getting dressed. She's a little clumsy."
Nathan leaned back into his chair as Cosima began to wander around his room, opening a few drawers to find out what's inside.
"Cos, sweetheart, that's not…" I started, but Nathan cut me off by telling me it was okay.
"Is she still in diapers?" he continued while his hand wrote down his own question.
"Yes," I whispered. "Is that abnormal?"
"Most kids are potty trained by the age of two or three." He took a sip of his coffee and glanced at my daughter again, who was intently studying one of his biology books, transfixed by a picture of different bugs.
"Can Cosima read?"
"Yes, very well actually. She likes to read us stories at bedtime."
He asked me question after question and after two and a half hours, he finally had his conclusion.
"Okay Sally, I think it's safe to say that Cosima has Asperger's Syndrome, a high functioning type of autism. She shows a lot of symptoms, so I'm going to add the diagnosis to her medical record."
"Are you serious?" I asked in disbelieve, rubbing my daughter's back. She fell asleep in my lap an hour ago, using my breast as a pillow, sucking her thumb and clutching her stuffed dinosaur in her tiny fist.
"Yes. I know it's a lot to process, but we can guarantee you that we'll help Cosima. I think you should let us see your daughter every month so that we can keep an eye on her development ."
I swallowed hard as I stood up from my seat. "Yes, thank you Nathan."
"You're welcome Sally. I'll see you two next month."
We said our goodbyes and I walked to the elevator, carrying a sleeping Cosima on my hip. I felt her soft and steady breathing tickle my neck while the first of many tears trickled down my cheek. I wonder what Gene has to say about this and pressed a kiss to the skin of Cosima's little shoulder, breathing in her scent. I've never worried about her future, but that just changed in the blink of an eye. My daughter is autistic. How in the world do you raise an autistic child? Will she be able to live a normal life? Make friends? Will the other kids accept her? Will they bully her? Will she ever fall in love? Is she even capable of loving someone or… feel loved? My stomach turned and a disgusting taste started to form on my tongue while a few horror scenarios invaded my mind. There's a high possibility that Gene and I will have to take care of Cosima her entire life, it's not natural. What if she can't live on her own? What will happen to her, when Gene and I are becoming too old to take care of her? Children are supposed to grow more and more independent as they get older. What if Cosima's development comes to a standstill within the next two years or so? Do we have to quit our jobs?
"Mom?" she asked, her voice thick with exhaustion, as she lifted her head from my shoulder to look at me with a confused expression on her face. "Please don't cry."
I quickly wiped my tears away and gave her a loving smile before I kissed her warm cheek.
"Don't worry Cos, I love you," I whispered. "No matter what."
"Mom?"
"Yes sweetheart?"
"This dress is pretty isn't it?"
"Yes, very pretty, just like you," I answered, glancing into the rearview mirror to wink at her. She looked absolutely adorable in her pink ballet dress and sparkling fairy wings.
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"Did you know birds evolved from dinosaurs? That's cool right?"
"That's very cool indeed," I agreed as I parked the car in front of the small building. "Ready Coco?"
"Yes!" she squealed in excitement, flashing me a bright smile, sticking her tongue through missing front teeth.
She took my hand as we walked inside, making me nervous all of a sudden. Cosima is having a hard time at school at the moment. She has reached a certain age where kids are starting to develop friendships and I can tell Cosima tries her best to make friends, but the kids in her class call her 'weird' or 'strange'. She doesn't click with them emotionally, socially and intellectually. So, Cosima spends a lot of time alone and loves to read books or sort her dinosaur collection. It was only recently that Cosima discovered that she likes to dance when Gene puts on the radio. My husband and I thought it would be a good idea to sign her up for improvisation dance classes. I guess it can help her make friends when she shares a mutual interest with other kids.
"Hi girls, my name is Ellen," a young eccentric woman introduced herself, shaking my hand.
"Sally," I said. "And this is Cosima."
"Are you ready to dance with the other girls Cosima?"
Cosima shrugged her little shoulders and pressed her body against my side.
"Let's go inside, follow me," Ellen continued as Cosima snatched Mr. Cuddles from my handbag, clearly needing its comfort.
Ten seven year old little girls, dressed in similar pink ballet dresses as the one Cosima was wearing, were running through the dancing area, screaming and laughing in excitement, and I instantly knew my daughter wouldn't appreciate our decision to bring her into this chaos.
"Mom?"
"Yes, honey?"
"Let's go home."
I kneeled before her and looked her straight in the eye. She was scared, nervous, insecure, but I could also see a hint of curiosity in those beautiful brown orbs and I quickly pushed back to urge to pick her up and take my baby home.
"No Cos, you can do this sweetheart," I said in a gentle voice. "I'll stay with you for a few minutes."
Ellen started the music and I sat down in one of the chairs with Cosima in my lap as all the girls began to move their tiny bodies, twirling around and jumping up and down. After a few minutes, I felt Cosima slide off my lap, but she didn't walk over the the group. I watched her carefully as she took my hand in hers and started to bounce lightly on the balls of her feet, watching the girls with great curiosity, Mr. Cuddles still pressed against her chest.
When I felt her let go of my hand a little while later, I stood up slowly, almost tiptoeing towards the door. My hand reached for the handle and a millisecond later, an agonizing wail filled my ears.
"MOMMY," she screamed. "NOOOO."
My heart broke into a million pieces and I turned around, catching her into my arms as Ellen stopped the music and walked towards us.
"Cosima," she whispered, rubbing my daughter's back. "You're mom will pick you up when the class is over okay?"
"Nooo," she cried, grabbing a fistful of my dark hair, holding on for dear life.
"Maddie, sweetheart, come here please," Ellen said and a little blonde girl stood up, tapping Cosima's shoulder.
"You have pretty pigtails and pretty wings," she whispered and I could tell this girl exactly knew how to make friends. I instantly envied her.
"Cosima, this is Maddie. She's my daughter and she's your friend from now on. She likes to dance with you. Right Maddie?" Ellen whispered, still rubbing Cosima's back.
"Yes."
I could feel Cosima turn around in my embrace as her curiosity took over. The little girl took my daughter's hand and pulled her towards the group of tiny dancers.
"Don't be scared," she told her.
I thanked Ellen quickly and made my way towards the exit, wiping away a few tears of my own.
Letting go is never easy.
I was supposed to pick her up at four, but got stuck in traffic and cursed myself for always being late.
"I'm so sorry," I apologized, a little out of breath as I entered the almost empty dancing area. "I got st…." but the words died in my throat as I watched the scene in front of me. Ellen sat in one of the chairs, eating a sandwhich, Maddie was curled up in a corner, fast asleep, while my daughter danced around the room, her tiny arms flying around in fluid motions. Her eyes were closed, as if she could physically feel the beat of the music while she let her whole body move around gracefully.
"She's in her element," Ellen said, smiling at me.
"She sure is," I chuckled, still looking at Cosima. I couldn't take my eyes off her.
"She's very expressive in her dancing Sally, it's beautiful to watch actually."
I nodded and walked towards my dancing daughter, kneeling in front of her as I curled my fingers around her upper arm. She gasped and her eyes flew open, obviously startled by the fact that there were other people in the room.
"Hi honey," I whispered, but she didn't respond, yanked her arm loose and closed her eyes again as she twirled away from me.
"Cosima," I tried again, reaching out to grab her by the shoulders. "We're going home baby, class is over."
She looked at me with a shocked expression on her face and in a matter of seconds, her bottom lip began to tremble and tears started the roll down her rosy cheeks. It always pains me to see her so upset. Cosima is a very emotional and sensitive little girl, but she doesn't know how to express it just yet.
"No, I wanna stay."
"You like it here?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I can dance at this place and I can express my inner feelings better when I dance."
"Express your inner feelings?" I asked, a little confused by her choice of words. She's only seven after all.
"Yes, I can be myself when I dance."
"That's great Coco," I whispered, my voice trembling with emotion. "Do you wanna come back next week and dance a little more?"
A huge grin formed on her sad face and she squealed in excitement, clapping her little hands before she said her goodbyes to Ellen and ran towards the car.
"Mom?" she asked, when I drove off the parking lot.
"Yes?"
"I stayed didn't I?"
"You certainly did and I'm so proud of you."
"I'm a big girl right?"
"Yes you are."
"Big girls get to eat Eskimo Pies when they did something new and scary right? You said so yourself."
I let out a hard laugh and reached back to squeeze her little leg.
"You're very cheeky."
It was around five in the afternoon when I heard the front door slam shut, making me jump out of my chair in surprise. The sound of stomping feet came closer as my daughter approached the kitchen.
"Hey baby, how did it go?" I asked, probably a little too optimistic for her liking, because she began to cry the second the question left my mouth.
"Fine," she growled, clenching her fists and pushing her new glasses on the top of her head to wipe away the tears that were already flowing down her cheeks. Cosima has started wearing glasses only two weeks ago, and I'm still not used to it. She looks older somehow, more grown up.
"Did something happen Cos?"
"Why don't you ask your husband?" she spat, storming off to her bedroom just as he shuffled into the kitchen.
"What happened Gene?"
"They asked her some private stuff," he shrugged, grabbing a beer from the fridge. "While I was in the room with her. I guess she's embarrassed or something."
"Private stuff? Like what?"
"Oh you know, girly stuff… things… I don't know."
"You're being incredibly vague Gene," I stated, irritation seeping through my tone.
"Doctor Evans asked her if she already started her period," he mumbled, his cheeks flushing a deep shade of red.
"That explains a lot," I sighed, rubbing my temples. My daughter started menstruating only three months ago and I wasn't there when she discovered the first few drops of blood in her underwear. I was visiting my family in Patras at the time, and Cosima begged me over the phone to take the first flight home. It took me nearly an hour to convince her to tell her dad and ask him to buy her pads. And now this… she must be so humiliated.
"He looked surprised by her answer though. It was kinda strange to be honest," he continued, finally looking me in the eye.
"Surprised?"
"Yeah, as if she's not supposed to be menstruating yet. She's not too young right? I don't know a lot about stuff like that."
"Of course not Gene, she turned twelve four months ago."
"Yeah, I'm not sure Sally, he seemed worried and wants her to have an internal ultrasound to check if everything is okay and if she's fertile or not."
"WHAT!" I practically shouted.
"Yeah, you know… because there's a high chance that you've passsed down your fertility problems to her. "
"You didn't agree to this right?"
"No, I wanted to discuss it with you first."
"Discuss is with me? What about your daughter? Doe she have a say in this?"
"Sally…" he sighed, taking another sip of his beer.
"NO GENE!" I shouted, losing my patience. "No one is going to put something inside our daughter's vagina for no valid reason at all, you hear me! She's way too young."
I heard him groan in akwardness, clearly uncomfortable with the subject of our conversation and my detailed description of the invasive examination.
"It's not like she's going to die when she doesn't get the ultrasound right?"
"No."
"She can always get one when she's older and she and her husband are going to try for a baby," I said, trying to calm myself down. "God, maybe Cosima doesn't even want to be a mom."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart," he whispered as he stood up from his seat, taking me into his arms.
"This is getting strange don't you think? I mean, I'm glad they're helping us deal with her autism, but those physical examinations, the ECG tests, monthly blood and urine samples … it doesn't seem very logical to me."
"I don't know Sal, they always seem to have a good reason for those tests. Cosima could have fertility issues right? I mean… we had to wait eight years for her to show up," he chuckled, trying to lighten the heavy mood.
"Your daughter is showing absolutely no signs of infertility Gene. She's twelve years old and menstruating regularly. That's good enough for now okay? I had to take hormone injections at seventeen, because I still didn't have my period at that age. That's a big difference."
"You're right Sal," he whispered before pressing a gentle kiss to my lips.
"I think she needs me right now," I said, turning around and bracing myself for another teenage hormonal outburst, which wasn't uncommon those days.
"Cos?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I come in?"
"Okay."
She was sitting on her bed, her back resting against the headboard while she kept her eyes focused on the book she was reading.
"Dad told me what happened sweetheart. You wanna talk about it?"
She didn't respond as I sat down next to her. I reached out to rub her back and let out a sigh of relief when she placed her head on my shoulder.
"I just started reading The Origin of Species and it's very interesting so far."
"Is it?"
"Yes," she nodded. "I think I wanna study history or biology after high school."
"That's a great choice sweetheart," I whispered, kissing her temple, "but you're avoiding my question."
"I don't know what to say mom. I just…"
"Yes?" I asked after a few seconds, encouraging her to keep talking.
"Nothing."
"Cos, you don't have to do the vaginal ultrasound if you don't want to honey. It's your body, your decision."
"I know," she sighed, turning the page of her book. "I don't want it."
"No problem, I'll call doctor Evans in the morning okay?"
"He's not gonna be happy about it. He was kinda pushy, like his job depended on it," she chuckled, causing me to smile too.
"I don't fucking care Cos. Like I said, it's your body and nobody is allowed to touch it without your consent."
"I think this is the first time you cursed in front of me," she giggled, pushing her glasses further up the bridge of her nose.
"I guess you're right," I laughed, stroking her long dark braid.
She began to talk about her book, about the evolution of dinosaurs and the evolution of humankind, talking with her hands in enthusiasm. I'm not sure what she was saying, because I didn't really pay attention.
"Hey Cos?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you like to go to Barcelona with me? Just the two of us?"
She snapped her head to the side, studying my face for a second before she opened her mouth to answer my question.
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, I'd love to spend some time with you before you'll start seventh grade after summer," I said as a feeling of sadness unfolded in my stomach.
Seventh grade… she's getting big now, a young lady. Cosima has always been a curious kid and I always had the feeling that she wasn't going to stay at one place her whole life, too curious to explore the world. I just know that there will be a time where Cosima will move to another city, another state or another country perhaps, and we won't speak to each other very often… and that's okay, but until then… I'm going to keep my precious daughter close for as long as I can.
"Get in the car," I hissed, my voice dripping with anger as we approached the vehicle. Never ever in my life have I seen the inside of a police station… until an hour ago.
"Mom, please," she begged, tying her hair up into a messy bun. "I'm sorry."
"I can't believe you and Maddie did this, Cosima. What's the matter with you two?"
"I…"
"Last week you pierced each other's noses with a needle and smoked pot in your bedroom... and now this?"
"Sor..."
"What's going on in that head of yours Cos? Is this a cry for attention? Are you lonely?"
"No, I'm just…"
"What's next? Arms full of tattoos and a bank robbery?" I spat, digging my nails into the steering wheel. "Do you wanna end up in jail? Waste your bright future?"
She didn't say anything and stared out the window, fumbling with the buttons of her navy coat.
"Are you gonna ignore me now? Answer the question goddamnit!" I shouted, making her cringe in the passenger seat.
"I'm trying, but you keep cutting me off!" she said, raising her voice as well.
"Just tell me why you did it Cos. If you're feeling lonely, just tell me okay?" I whispered, trying to soften my tone. "Because if that's the case … you should tell us so we can help you. I know it's hard for you to express your feelings, but stealing from Macy's is not the right way to make friends sweetheart."
"I'm not lonely anymore mom. I have friends at this school."
I knew she was speaking the truth. Cosima had always been a lonely child, but that all changed when she started middle school and found herself some people who shared her interests. She knows Maddie and Selena from her improv dance classes, and Jack, Nick and Hannah from school. I got the feeling that she likes Jack the most. Jack… a tall awkward boy with autism who is also very obsessed with dinosaurs and evolution, just like her.
"So why did you do it then?"
I could see a furious flush creeping up her neck as she took a deep breath.
"It was Maddie's idea. Michael asked her on a date and she wanted to look nice tonight, so we went to Macy's to find her a cute dress, but the one she liked… well, it was a little expensive and we didn't have enough money, " she explained, hands flying through the air with every word. "That's when she suggested to steal it and I agreed."
"Why?" I sighed, not fully understanding why my highly intelligent child would do such a dumb thing.
"Thrill? Adrenaline? I don't even know mom. I won't do it again."
"Coco, honey, I know you're fifteen and that boys are probably the most important thing in your life right now, but no man is worth stealing over okay?"
"Boys are not…"
"Sweetheart," I chuckled, curling my fingers around the back of her neck to give it a loving squeeze. "I'm not stupid. It's Jack right? I can tell by the way you look at him. Your father used to look at me like that when we were young."
"No, I have no romantic interest in him," she laughed, rolling her eyes.
"Have you already kissed a boy?"
"NO! WHAT THE…" she stopped herself right in time and buried her face in her hands, clearly mortified by my nosy question.
"You can be honest Cos, I've been fifteen once," I smiled.
"Whatever," she mumbled, shrugging her shoulders.
"Anyway, you're grounded and your dad is going to take you to the labs every Saturday so you can help clean them."
"Noooo," she whined as I parked the car in front of our houseboat. "I didn't steal anything."
"You didn't stop her either, in fact, you only spurred her on. You need to face the consequences of your unacceptable behavior."
"God," she groaned, rolling her eyes before she stepped out of the car. "There's Jack."
I waved at the tall boy standing in front of our door, obviously very excited to see my beautiful daughter. Cosima left the car and walked into his direction, still a little wobbly in first heels. She gave him a hug and began to talk passionately about something, possibly about the events of this morning, and I couldn't help but smile at the sight of them.
I put down the bag of groceries and took off my sandals before I made my way towards the bathroom to say hi to my daughter. It's a little after six and she was probably taking a bath, just like she always does before dinner. I've had such a rough and long day at work, students being too rude or too lazy, and I haven't seen Cosima since last night… seeing her pretty smile always makes me feel better.
My ears picked up a strange noise as I approached the bathroom, a sound that kept me from knocking the door enthusiastically.
"Oh god," I heard her moan softly. The breathy voice made me freeze on the spot and I pressed my ear against the door to confirm my suspicions.
"Hmmm," she hummed, before crying out a little more loudly.
Oh.
I quickly turned around, almost tripping over my own feet as I ran into the kitchen where I hastily began to prepare dinner. I'm not sure why this shocks me so much. I could have known, because Cosima is eighteen, she's a young woman now, and healthy young women have needs.
"She's discovering her own body Sally, that's completely normal," I whispered to myself. "Just exploring her sexual feelings. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's perfectly natural."
I started to cut the broccoli into small pieces while my mind kept reliving the moment my prudish mother caught me in the middle of self-pleasure when I was Cosima's age. God, I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
"Just act like you didn't hear anything," I thought as I heard Gene coming home. "Act normal and don't mention it to him or Cosima herself."
It took me another thirty minutes to finish cooking and just when I put the food on the table, Cosima stepped into the kitchen.
"Oh hi guys! You're home already?," she asked in a surprised voice, walking over to her father to press a kiss against his cheek.
"Hi Mr. and Mrs. Niehaus," a low, raspy voice greeted us, causing me to turn around with great speed.
Marley?! What the hell?!
Cosima has met Marley a year ago at the restaurant they both work at. Marley is a beautiful eighteen-year-old girl and I can tell Cosima looks up to her. She's from a hippie family, her parents are very open, eccentric and laid-back, and there are no rules in their household whatsoever. Cosima especially likes Marley's dad who wears dreads and promised to teach her how to make them. I'm not sure how I feel about that to be honest.
"Come on Marley, it's Sally and Gene. How many times do we have to tell you?" Gene joked as Cosima shifted her eyes from Marley to me.
My daughter? And Marley? In the bathroom? Together? Naked? She's a little too old for that…
I could feel my heartbeat quicken and my stomach turn as the realization started to sink in.
"Mom?" she asked nervously and I immediately knew she had sensed something changing in my demeanor, because I kept staring at Marley with wide eyes.
"You can stay for dinner if you like," my husband offered kindly as he chewed on his broccoli.
"Oh thank you Gene, but I really have to go," Marley answered, already making her way out of the kitchen. "I'll see you tomorrow Cos."
I shifted my attention to my daughter, who gave Marley a little wave, a huge grin plastered on her face.
"Cosima?" I sighed, a little unsure of how to confront her as she sat down in one of the chairs.
"Yeah?" she answered while keeping her eyes focused on her plate, probing the broccoli with her fork.
"Did you and Marley just took a bath together?"
I could see her body tense in her seat as Gene spit out his vegetables.
"Sally! Don't be stupid."
"SHUT UP GENE!" I screamed unexpectedly, my emotions getting the better of me. "I heard… things… Cosima."
"What are you implying, Sal!"
I ignored him, trying my best to soften my features as I kept staring at my child, who did her best to avoid my intense gaze. My mouth felt dry and I took a sip of my wine to moisten my dried out lips.
"Cos," I tried again, a bit gentler this time and decided that it would be best to just voice my thoughts. "Did you and Marley have sex in the bathtub?"
"SALLY!"
"EUGENE, FOR GOD'S SAKE LET HER SPEAK!"
"YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND! OUR DAUGHTER IS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!"
"THEN TELL ME WHY…" but I quickly closed my lips as a faint whisper reached my ears.
"What did you say honey?" I asked sweetly.
"I… I …. I think I am," she stuttered in a soft voice, barely audible.
"Oh my God," I let out a deep breath and leaned back in my seat as Cosima's bottom lip began to tremble and tears started to roll down her face.
"Are you in love with her?" I asked, taking a huge gulp of my wine before I glanced at Gene, who sat in his chair like a statue, his face white as a sheet.
"Yes, she is my girlfriend. We're in love," she answered truthfully, pushing her glasses on the top of her head.
This is not how I had imagined Cosima's first experience with love. I always thought it would be a nice boy, who would come to meet us over dinner. Not like this…. a girl, one of her friends we've known for over a year now. Have we missed the signs? Why our daughter? Could we have prevent this from happening? The shock and disappointment I'm feeling right now is undeniable, surging through my body like angry ocean waves and I sincerely hope Cosima wouldn't notice.
"For how long have you two been together?" Gene asked, finally participating in the conversation.
"Two months."
"Why didn't you tell us?"
She buried her face in her hands, openly sobbing at this point. I hate to see her so upset, but I couldn't bring myself to stand up and console her. Gene didn't move either and kept biting the inside of his cheek out of… frustration? Anger?
"Because I didn't want to disappoint you," she cried. "You've waited so long for a child and you ended up with me. I'm weird and I only caused you worries, and… and I'm not only weird, but I'm a dyke too."
"Please don't call yourself that," my husband said, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "That's vulgar."
"Well, it's true isn't it? It's what I am."
"Cos, you can't know that for sure. You're only eighteen honey, you're still discovering your sexuality. Maybe you like boys more," I said optimistically.
"Please," she groaned, looking me straight in the eye. "I like women, I like women's bodies, I like kissing girls since I was fourteen, and I love having sex with Marley, okay? I'm gay mom."
The tears that were stinging behind my eyes were finally rolling down my cheeks as I covered my mouth with my hand, causing Gene to reach out and stroke my arm while Cosima began to cry again.
"I'm so sorry," she wailed. "So incredibly sorry."
Her apologies crushed my heart and I jumped out of my seat, finally feeling the motherly urge to take my sobbing child into my arms. I practically ran towards her, hugging her tightly as I pressed a kiss to her salty cheek, before I knelt in front of her.
"Never ever apologize for your heart Cosima," I told her firmly, placing my hand just above her left breast. "We've always encouraged you to approach sex without shame, but with curiosity, and that's exactly what you're doing honey. You're allowed to explore your sexual feelings with a girl, I mean, you can't really choose your sexual orientation right?"
"No," she whispered, shaking her head.
"Your dad and I are just shocked Cos, we didn't see this coming, but I'm sure we'll get used to it. Just give us a little time, so we can adapt to this unexpected situation okay? This isn't easy for us sweetheart. Your dad and I both grew up in the fifties in narrow-minded towns, we don't know any homosexual people, but we don't have a problem with it. This is all new to us, we hope you can understand that."
She nodded, giving me a weak smile through her tears.
"We love you so much Cos, and there's nothing you can say or do that will change that."