These two will be the end of me, I swear. Now they're having a baby in my head and I can't function unless I get it out, so of course I'm going to do that here. Each chapter will be like a snapshot in the lives of Vauseman as moms and it'll be mostly funny and fluffy (god I miss them so fucking much T_T).

This first is the beginning of it all, but the following installments might not be in chronological order because each can be taken as a stand-alone story. I'll make sure the read is obvious or at least leave a note to tell you where we're at with them if it's not:)

…And Baby Makes Three

Piper walked into the front room to find Alex halfway through a slice of pizza and nose deep in What To Expect When You're Expecting. She'd given her wife an extensive reading list when she was in her first trimester, but in true Alex fashion, she'd spent the past few months putting it off and making excuses about how there was over enough time, and picked up the first of the books three days ago. Well, their time was pretty much up.

She bit her bottom lip as she watched the brunette, a slight crease in her brow showing the extent of her concentration as she read. Piper was grateful for the pause the moment was given because while Alex wasn't noticing her standing there, she could try and figure out a way to break the news. It would have to be plain and simple and to the point. The closer they got to the due date, the more freaked out Alex had become and Piper didn't need that now. More than ever, she needed Alex to keep her shit together.

"Al?"

"Mm?" Alex hummed through closed lips without looking up – her mouth still chewing.

"It's time."

"Sure, I'll be right there," she mumbled without looking up.

"Alex…"

"Ha! Have you seen the pictures in this thing? How old is this book?"

"Alex!"

"What?" She finally lifted her eyes from the book to look at Piper.

"I'm in labor." Plain. Simple. To the point.

"What do you mean?" Apparently not plain and simple enough. Alex looked like she really had no idea what Piper was talking about.

"Well, let's take some time to talk about the various meanings I'm in labor could have, shall we?" Really, her patience was growing thin.

"I don't get it." Alex took another bite of pizza, watching Piper with mild interest.

"You don't get it. Okay…" Piper walked over to her, standing with her considerable baby bump right in Alex's face. "You know the baby that's been inside of me for the past few months? It's coming out."

"Bullshit." And then she laughed.

Of all the ways Piper imagined this moment playing out, this was not one of them. She figured Alex might freak out, lose her shit, be a nervous wreck… but to check out completely? She watched as Alex went back to the book in her hand and after a few seconds, when her wife realized she wasn't moving, she looked up again.

"What?"

Piper sat down beside her and took her face in both her hands. "Alex, can you hear me?"

"What are you talking about? Of course I can hear you." She tried to pull her face free but Piper tightened her grip to keep her in place.

"Okay, so hear this: Alex, the baby's coming."

"That's impossible." It came out muffled because of the way Piper was squeezing down on her cheeks. "You're 37. The book said 40."

"Yeah well, you can write them an angry email after you get me to the hospital." She dropped her hands and grabbed for her lower back, grimacing as a nauseating wave of pain signaled the start of a contraction.

"This can't be happening." And now that the penny seemed to have dropped, the actual reaction Piper was expecting started growing in intensity. "I haven't finished my reading list. She can't be coming, Pipes. Do something! She can't be-"

"Are you kidding me right now? Do something? Like what, Alex? Tell her to wait three weeks because you're not ready? Aaaaghhh..." The pain was intensifying and Piper tried to breathe and massage her way through it. While comforting Alex into some kind of state where she'd be of some help to her. "I'll talk to her about how important it is to keep to a schedule when she gets here okay? But right now I need you. So snap out of it!" She watched Alex stare at her belly as if in a trance, not moving a muscle.

And then she took another bite of pizza.

"Alex! For god's sake!"

"What? What am I supposed to do?"

"The plan! Get the plan!"

"I'm not ready for this. This can't be happening."

"Get the fucking plan!" she bellowed and fell into another moan as a new spasm started up, stronger than the last.

Alex jumped up, the sight of Piper in pain sending her into a frenzy. "The plan. The plan. The refrigerator!" She ran to the kitchen, disappearing from Piper's sight in a flurry of hair and nervous mumbling. She was back a few seconds later, a piece of paper gripped in her trembling hands. "Okay, bag… check. Check, right? You packed the bag?"

"I asked you to do it two weeks ago!" Piper was on her knees, leaning over the coffee table and practicing controlled breathing.

"No you didn't. I distinctly remember you saying that you were going to-"

"Change of clothes for me, change of clothes for baby, soap, toothbrush, just… go!" It came through gritted teeth.

Alex disappeared again. For much longer this time and Piper was just starting to think that she'd gone to the bedroom to assume the fetal position when the brunette stormed back into the front room, suitcase in hand.

"You should see what I picked out for her. You know the cute little onesie with the-"

"Alex!… Car!" Piper was struggling to lift herself to her feet, taking the rare opportunity for normal movement that occurred between contractions.

"Right. Got it. I'll show you later."

Piper held out her hand to Alex for some help but she fled by without so much as a passing glance. Piper heard the front door open, footsteps hurry across the porch, fade down the steps… and then nothing.

A roll of the eyes, a tired shake of the head and "One… two… three… really? four… five…" The sound of an engine starting up filtered in through the front door that was left open. "I'm going to fucking kill her…" Piper breathed through tight lips as the waves of pain started up again.

She listened as the car rolled out of the driveway and then heard a sudden screech of brakes. Car door slamming, hurried footsteps coming up the steps, across the porch and then:

"I thought you were right behind me I swear."

Oitnb

"Pregnant lady coming through!"

"Honestly, Alex, you don't have to keep saying that and are you… are you riding the back of this wheelchair?!" Piper felt a jerk that told her she was right and the ride suddenly smoothed out and became a lot slower.

"Killjoy," was mumbled above her and Piper rolled her eyes. In a few hours she was going to have a new baby to go with her fully grown one.

Admissions, bed, labor ward. Nurses breezed in and out of the room, offering Piper pieces of ice as they came and words of encouragement as they left. An entire hand went inside her and the doctor attached to it declared that she was fully dilated and the baby was crowning.

"She's wearing a crown? No wonder it hurts."

"Can you stop with the saying of stupid things? You're not helping. I need you to help me!"

"I'm just trying to lighten the mood. I don't know how else to help."

"Just… hold my hand… say nice things." Piper threw her head back as she was gripped by another strong contraction.

"Nice things," Alex said and tried to bite back laughter as she stroked the hair from Piper's forehead that had become matted in the sweat there.

"I swear to god, Alex…"

"Okay, okay, I'm done."

"I should've taken the drugs." Piper tightened her vice-like grip on Alex's hand. "It feels like it's coming out of my ass!"

"Oh my god, that's so gross. Is that normal? That can't be normal. Is she lost?" Alex ripped her hand from Piper's and ran out of the ward.

"Alex, where are you-"

"Help!" She heard her wife calling out in the hallway. "We need help! The baby's coming out of her ass!"

Alex reappeared with a nurse by her side and she rushed to take Piper's hand again, while the nurse checked the monitor hooked up to her bump.

"Don't worry, sweetheart. The pressure from the head moving down the birth canal makes it feel that way. You're going to want to push, but don't. The doctor will be with you soon and he'll walk you through it."

"I have to push." Piper lifted herself up on her elbows. "I have to push now!"

Strong hands on her shoulders guided her back down again. "Right now is when being a mom really starts. Now you do what's best for baby, whether it hurts you or not. Okay? Can you do that?"

Piper nodded and spent the next few minutes trying to focus on anything else but the urgent need to rip the baby out of her and have it over and done with. And then the doctor was there and her legs were being hoisted into stirrups and surprisingly, the smart-ass commentary from Alex came to an end, as they both became entirely consumed by the moment and she was finally allowed to push...

"Good job, Mommy. Here, look what your hard work got you." The nurse opened Piper's gown and gently placed a naked, gooey bundle on her exposed chest.

"Oh my god." The tears came without warning and without any sign of stopping. "I can't believe you're here. Welcome to the world, my sweet," she whispered against the soft, smudgy head beneath her chin.

"She smells kinda funky," Alex tried to joke, but her tone was one of utter bewilderment. She rested her head against Piper's and kept her eyes fixed on the tiny human that was somehow making her eyes water and her heart burn.

"She's beautiful."

"You're beautiful. And I love you." No jokes. No smart-mouthed one-liners. The moment was pure and Alex was pure in it.

Piper felt a lingering kiss on her temple and closed her eyes to the feeling – the feeling of being loved from all sides. She did it. Her heart was successfully ripped in two now. And she couldn't be happier.