Disclaimer: I don't own the Keys to the Kingdom. I just want to increase the number of fanfiction it has. I've noticed that fanfics for the Keys to the Kingdom are going slow and there aren't many new releases, so I wrote this.
The Far Reaches. The top of the Pit. It was three hundred years before the Heir would show up. Not that Grim Tuesday knew that.
"Welcome everyone!" he shouted. Not that there was anyone to clap besides his Grotesques, Yan, Tan, Thethera, Mehtera, Pits, Azer, and Sethera. All of them clapped, except Pits, but they all knew that Pits was a bit slow.
Grim Tuesday had invited them to witness the unveiling of the new train. He had only charged each of the seven a nominal fee of a three thousand years' worth of wages to witness it and sit in the front, and of course attendance was compulsory.
Now, this is the part where someone usually cuts a red ribbon, but Tuesday wasn't really one to stand for these ceremonies. He led them all up to the front. The front part of the engine, was, for some reason designed like the interior of a car. The train could also be worked with a steering wheel. Tuesday had made it like that for some reason.
"What's that?" Azer asked, pointing to a scarlet-red cube fixed to the center of the room. Grim Tuesday seemed to have expected that question (as he had ordered Azer to ask him in private earlier) and answered with a dramatic air that he was usually not known for,
"That is something I copi, I mean a design I borrowed from the Secondary Realms. It's called a navigator, and humans use it to guide them while they're traveling. Of course, I modified it using my amazing powers."
"But why-" Pits began to ask when everyone told him to shut up. Everyone knew Pits never said anything sensible.
They all sat down on the hard seats.
"Shouldn't we have seat belts?" Pits asked.
"Seat belts? Do you have money for seat belts?" Grim Tuesday asked and everyone except Pits laughed, who just looked confused. After all, Pits was a bit slow.
"Navigator, begin checking your systems for errors," Grim Tuesday said.
"Yes Master," the cube said in a robotic voice. "Checking systems now. Two plus two is five. The capital of Italy is pizza. The fourth president of the United States was Michael Jackson. Conclusive report: All systems are perfectly fine."
"Good," Tuesday replied.
"But sir, those answers are wr-" Pits began.
"Shut up, Pits!" Sethera shrieked. She knew Pits could never say anything sensible.
"Let's begin then!" Tuesday said and the train rocketed forward. Tuesday was driving pretty good. Meanwhile, the navigator was spewing out directions.
"At the next right turn, turn left," it said. It also added, "After driving for five hundred light years and two centuries, go five miles forward while driving in reverse."
"How is that even pos-" Pits began, but was interrupted by Tethera,
"Shut up Pits! You're ruining the ride!" Why couldn't Pits say anything sensible?
"Parallel park your car perpendicular to the sidewalk," the navigator said.
"If we parallel park-" Pits began, but Yan punched him before he could finish his sentence. While Pits was recoiling in pain, the navigator was chiming more directions.
"You will be arriving at the first station in sixty seconds, fifty seconds, forty seconds," it said. Pits looked hopeful, until it began talking more, "Thirty seconds, twenty seconds, one minute."
"That's not-" Pits began, but Azer told him to shut up. What use were Pits' useless comments?
Then, the navigator stopped working. The navigator said,
"Please insert three gold pieces." Grim Tuesday explained.
"I made it run on gold pieces," he said.
"But Master, why not something more economical, like coal or bat-" Pits began, but Tan said,
"Keep quiet Pits, do not disturb our Master with your useless comments."
"The problem is that I don't have three gold pieces," Grim Tuesday said. "I only have nineteen."
"Don't worry, that will do," the navigator said.
"But nineteen is big-" Pits began, but he was cut off by Yan. Tuesday entered nineteen gold pieces into the navigator, and after a while they stopped at the first station.
"Please slow down. You are going to cross the speed limit," the navigator said, even though they had stopped moving.
"But we've stopped mov-" Pits began, but this time Grim Tuesday spoke over him and so no one heard him.
"Now, all we have to do is find the next McDonald's. I want a Happy Meal," he said. "Navigator, tell us the location of the nearest one."
"There are no McDonald's in the Pit," the navigator said. Everyone except Pits gasped.
"This navigator is clearly broken," Grim Tuesday said. "I will have to replace it."
"But Master, there are no Mc-" Pits said before Methera told him to shut up. When would he learn that stupid people shouldn't interfere in things?
Finally, when everyone was quiet for a while, Pits asked, and for once he was not interrupted,
"Why do we even need a navigator? This is a train and it only runs on one track, and we can spot the stations easily enough. That's what I wanted to ask in the beginning." Everyone stared dumbly at Pits. Clearly, they were astonished that Pits had actually said something meaningful.
"Since when did you become so smart?" Tuesday asked.
The only thing that Pits did was a facepalm.
The End