Disclaimer: Not mine. I only wish it was.
This was written a few months ago, while I was watching the final season. It is one attempt to justify the why of Neal's departure to some degree in the context of Neal and Peter's friendship falling apart, how it came back together again, and everything they had been through in the course of the six seasons.
The truth is, as much as Neal loved his life in New York once upon a time, he is not happy anymore. The charm of working for the FBI has long since worn off. If he is honest with himself, he can pinpoint exactly when it hit him. He can tell exactly who is responsible and it tinges everything in retrospect.
I've made mistakes because I let my emotions cloud my judgment and I can't let my next handler make those same mistakes.
He thought they were friends. He thought Peter believed in him. It turns out that whatever Peter believed about him either does not matter or was not what Neal always thought it was. Now that he sees it he wonders how he never noticed before. Peter has been pulling away from him since the U-boat incident.
First it was with the intent to prove that Neal had taken the treasure. Then it was because Keller kidnapped Elizabeth. Then James. The entire situation with James seems to be what undid the great Burke-Caffrey partnership. Peter has changed since his arrest. He has changed since Neal made sure that he was free.
Someone with the right perspective. Someone who will see you as you are.
He can see it in Peter's eyes – even if Peter keeps the thought from himself, Neal can tell. He has always been good at reading people. That was part of what made him so good at conning people. The lies rolled off his tongue as naturally as breathing. He has always prided himself in being able to find the right words – but words won't fix this problem.
The problem is that Peter does not believe he can be anything more than what he was. What he is. Neal is a liar. He is a thief. He is a forger.
You're a part of that family. You're also a criminal. That's exactly what you are.
Neal can still remember the sting where they took down the head of the Irish mob. He still remembers what Peter said when they were in character – and he wonders how much of it was really an act. Because you're a con. It's who you are. And it's all you'll ever be.
He is tired of living with that. He is tired of trying to go straight and seeing the disappointment in Peter's eyes. Nothing he does ever changes that look anymore. Peter expects him to relapse every time he turns around, even through he has tried so hard to stop and to live up to his friend's expectations of him. Because you're a criminal. And you can't help yourself. Shame on me for expecting anything else. He is tired of all of it.
The reality that he sees is that Peter does not trust him. He never has. Not really. Neal is a useful tool, one that is well versed in exactly what Peter has built his career at the FBI on. That was what got him into this mess to start with. He's too useful and he knows that the FBI will never let him go. He almost believes that Peter does want him to be free. Almost. He wants to believe in Peter, but he has put too much faith in a man who has no faith in him.
He can still hear Adler's words from the day the U-boat exploded. There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself. He curses Adler for being right. He curses Rachel, too, for the truths she told him before she died.
He feels less and less like he belongs in New York. He has always loved the city – New York has been his home since he was eighteen years old and defining Neal Caffrey for the first time after shedding Danny Brooks.
Contrary to what Peter believes, Neal knows exactly what he is doing. He told Mozzie that he is tired of being everyone's puppet and he is. He also knows exactly how dangerous the Pink Panthers are. He knows that if he wants to get out of there alive, Neal Caffrey has to die. He has to burn the only name he has kept for himself if he wants to survive. Otherwise the Panthers will reach through prison bars with their vast network of contacts and he will end up with a bullet in his brain. Worse, they will go after everyone he loves – Peter and El, Sara, June, Mozzie, everyone. He knows the kind of men they are. They will leave nothing but carnage in their wake and it will be his fault
He will not have that blood on his hands.
Peter does not understand. Nor will he understand what Neal knows he has to do next. The law has always been black and white for him. He might have bent the rules to keep Neal safe, but he never broke them.
The thought of leaving makes Neal's throat tight. He needs a new start – a new place and a new identity. Beyond that – beyond that, he has no idea what he will do. He does not even know who he will be.
However, he does know one thing: he does not want to go. Not really. He wants things to go back to how they were. But he knows they won't. The anklet is chaffing and he is not going to spend the rest of his life as the FBI's lapdog. They do not expect him to change. Peter does not. There is no point in trying to prove them wrong anymore. He can still hear Mara Summers' words right alongside Adler's.
You'll never be anything more than what you are.
He is a conman. Neal accepted that long ago.
He has one last con to pull. All he has to do is set his plan in motion. It is a simple domino effect.
The hardest part is going to be saying goodbye to everything that he is and everyone that he loves without doing so. He has to let Neal Caffrey die. He has to let go of Peter and El and Sara and Mozzie – well, probably not Mozzie. He has to say goodbye to June. (If anyone understands, it will be June.)
His time in New York is over and it kills him a little inside.