The Super Pervert Strikes Again!
A/N: Hey hey, just a lil one-shot here. Not really my thing to do those, this will be my first Naruto-one shot actually but if you're looking for a good longterm story you check out Re-Alignment. First 8chapters I'm a bit rusty but believe me it picks up from there big time. Anko the primary character.
But anyways… Not here to self endorse :P I'm here to share what I hope is amusing! I'll just assume everyone read the story summary and get on with this.. Enjoy
Hiruzen Sarutobi let out a drag from his pipe and took in a familiar sight. One of his students, a legendary Sannin was in his office unexpectedly. Orochimaru to be more specific and he looked pissed. The Snake genius was generally a clam and collected individual, albeit strange, twisted and creepy. When Lord Third caught sight of this facial expression one immediate thought came to mind.
Jiraiya, what did you do this time?
"Afternoon Sarutobi-sensei…" The angry Sannin greeted, at least managing to sound polite.
"Orochimaru," He greeted, a slight smile on his lips. "A pleasant surprise."
"Yes well… I'm afraid I'm not here on a social call sensei."
"I suspected as much when you walked in," The Hokage assured. "So, what is your trouble?"
"Technically, it isn't my trouble, but Anko's," He explained, revealing the latest Icha Icha book and slamming in on his sensei's desk.
Seeing the Hokage's questioning look the Sannin elaborated. "That fool has created a character that is akin to my student in almost every way!"
Hiruzen grabbed the book, pretending that he'd never read it before. Orochimaru doesn't need to know I read Jiraiya's… novels. Sarutobi assured himself. If he did, word might make it back to Tsunade and I value my testicals old as they may be.
The Snake Sannin's face crinkled into suspicion suddenly. "Sensei, you seem awfully comfortable with this."
The old man wiped a nose bleed away pretending to scratch an itch as he flipped the page. "Are you implying something? I am merely searching for this… character you speak of. Some directions would be nice," He chided. "How bout a page number or something? It's your book after all, not mine."
Orochimaru grit his teeth in irritation, forgetting about his momentary suspicions to defend himself. "This is not my book! I don't read Jiraiya's trash I have far too much work to do for something so worthless to take up my time!"
"Orochimaru… There's nothing to be ashamed of," Hiruzen coughed. "I may be old but I'm not senile, I can keep a secret."
The Sannin's eye twitched as he narrowed his Genjutsu slanted pupils down on the active Hokage. "There is no secret, because it's not my book."
The Hokage sighed. "As you say."
"Quit doubting me, sensei! When do I ever deceive you?" He demanded. Other than two… or three experiments.
"Ah, I think I've found her," The Hokage declared and began reading aloud.
"The seat beside the sexiest of them all was vacant, and I could picture millions of men around the world trying to get a reservation for their ass to be in that chair…" He began.
"That is the most moronic thing to ever be written in literature," Orochimaru spat.
The Hokage continued. "She was thin, young and firm! A mere glance at her curves could make my legs the equivalent of jello!"
"I can sense that the fool had a nosebleed while WRITING that sentence alone!"
"After I found the courage to take the seat… I DRANK her beauty."
Sarutobi paused expecting an interruption but the Sannin just shook his head so the Hokage continued further. "She had many assets! The most interesting one was her exotic but intoxicating hair. It was neatly styled in multiple directions and tied up but what was truly intriguing was the purple hue so seldom seen."
"I nearly DIED when she took her trench jacket off, now giving me a complete view of the curves in her skin tight chainmail outfit."
The fact that the character sounded so much like a description of Anko made Orochimaru want to laugh so hard at the idea of Jiraiya dying over seeing a twelve year old in a skin tight outfit but he made no comment, he'd come up with a creative way of throwing that ammunition in his teammate's face later.
"It was then that I recognized her to be a kunoichi. This of course turned me on even more! FIESTY WOMAN YEAH"
Orochimaru facepalmed at the both writer and the character's insolence. Oh hell, it must've been a self-insert.
"So then I hit her with my punch line… Hey babe, you a kunoichi? Well you can twirl my kunai any-"
"Enough!" Orochimaru intervened before that got any worse. "You get the point."
Sarutobi scratched his chin. "I don't know Orochimaru… I see the resemblance, sure. But I can't say it's supposed to be Anko."
The Sannin's eyes widened. "What!? You read it did you not?"
"Well yes, but look at the first sentence… He called her the sexiest one in the room. Anko is twelve."
"So? Jiraiya's standards are low. What does this prove? Perhaps he envisioned a seventeen year old Anko… I wouldn't put it past him."
Hiruzen chuckled. "And what of Tsunade? Jiraiya would never declare another women sexier than that of your teammate."
Orochimaru snorted. "Jiraiya doesn't have the balls to base a character off of Tsunade. If he did, he wouldn't have any balls soon after."
Hiruzen sweatdropped. "Point taken."
"So, we can both agree that is based off of Anko?"
"I suppose…" The Hokage gave in. "What do you want me to do about it?"
"Suspend his writing license!" The Sannin decreed, smirking deviously.
What!? No! My porn! Hiruzen panicked inwardly. "I'm afraid that is outside of my power." Yeah right.
He raised an eyebrow. "So I have to go through the civilian council for this? That could take months! Can't you pull some strings on my behalf?"
The Hokage shrugged. "It would be a waste of resources to discuss Jiraiya's… work. Also I'm pretty sure half of the civilian council reads his work in private. I've seen him deliver to them personally before the official release date." After Kakashi and I received ours of course. He added in his head.
Orochimaru sighed, crossing his arms. "So because our village is full of perverted fools… My preteen student has to go through life with a slutty Icha Icha character based on her appearance?" He asked, deadpanned.
"Yes…" Lord Third replied.
"Whatever, I guess I'll resort to plan B and inform Tsunade at what he's done."
Hiruzen winced, that would not go over well. "Remind her not to kill him…"
"No promises Sarutobi-sensei…" He chuckled darkly, and bid his farewell with a shunshin out of the tower.
With a sigh the Hokage brushed the paperwork he'd been working on aside and opened the drawer, pulling his own copy of that magazine now. Suddenly in a reading mood.