Author's Note: This is my first foray into the AU Downton scene, so bear with me. There are two main goals I have while writing this. I'm telling them to you so that I keep the goals as a promise both to myself and to you the reader. They are:
1. To write long scenes (2,000 words +)
2. To write as though we're all in the middle of the situation. No exposition or expository parts. If something doesn't make sense please trust that I will explain it as the story progresses.
As always, reviews are the lifeblood of a writer's work. I love them, cherish them, and look forward to them every time I post.
Thanks for reading!
Oh So Many Years
All these many years I've loved you
No one has ever known
No one has ever known but you alone
I've kept it locked inside my heart
And smiled through all my tears
My darling I have loved you
Oh so many years
Each night within my lonely room
I cry dear over you
And pray to God that things will turn out right
But when the dawn of day appears
I brush away my tears
My darling I have loved you
Oh so many years
I'll go on pretending that my life is oh so gay
And happy dear without you by my side
When all the time my heart is longing
Just to having you near
My darling I have loved you
Oh so many years
Maybe fate will lead us down a path
Where we will meet again
And then we'll both be free to love anew
Then one sweet kiss from your dear lips
Will banish all my fears
My darling I have loved you
Oh so many years
-F. Bailes
December 2008
Another pop of champagne cadenced above the laughter. The crowd chatting merrily hid the light ding of the doorbell which Elsie heard only after the third ring.
"I'm coming! I'm coming!" She said.
She drifted slightly once in the hallway, her heels giving her the appearance of drunkenness. It took a second to find where Joe had left the key before finally being able to open the door.
"Anna!" Elsie said, pulling the young woman into a gripping hug.
"Mumzi!" Anna cheered, "Happy Birthday!"
"Thank you, my dear, now come in quick before any more of the cold sweeps in. Every year I try not to invite it, but it hasn't got the message yet."
Anna chuckled, "That's what comes from having a birthday in December."
"One day I'll have my party in the south, but until that day I suppose I shall continue to suffer."
Anna laughed and graciously accepted the flute of champagne from Elsie. The party parted for them as they took their usual seats on the sofa.
"I'm guessing Dad's around here somewhere?" Anna said, looking around the lounge.
"He's not actually. Which I'm surprised about. He's usually the first to arrive." Elsie said, finding herself chewing her lip.
"He's been really down about work lately," Anna said, "He wasn't home when I arrived from the train - completely forgot what day it was."
Elsie allowed herself a hum of appreciation. She was saved from answering by Joe, who plopped down beside her and clinked glasses with Anna.
He smiled, "Anna! Good of you to come!"
"Always glad to join in the Burns' festivities. Did you have your annual tree lighting ceremony?" Anna asked, returning the smile.
"We did," he replied, "Charlie gave us a tip about some new wine he found. Felt like it changed the whole evening, didn't it, dear?"
Elsie nodded, having just sipped some champagne, "It did. What was it called again? Grapes of something -"
Joe frowned, "I thought it was the Something of Grapes -"
"Sounds memorable," said Anna.
Elsie chuckled, "We're getting older, dear, we must be allowed some leniency."
Anna smiled, her grin growing wider as she spoke, "Speaking of, Dad says the two of you will be celebrating thirty years! Will there be a party? I'm starting my internship and want to make sure I'm free for any dates -"
Joe put up his hand, laughing quietly to himself, "We haven't even started planning yet, Anna."
"One party at a time, please," agreed Elsie.
"Besides, we'll make sure you're one of the first to know. You travel the farthest nowadays, being at Uni and all." Joe started to stand, "I'm going to find Beryl, she wanted to know if you tried making that pie crust."
As Joe disappeared into the fray of the party, Elsie turned to Anna in surprise, "Pie crust? You're making a pie crust?"
"Shush, now, it's for dad and it's a surprise," Anna whispered, "He's turning fifty-five this summer and I want it to be special, especially after what happened at his fiftieth."
"Well now that wasn't your fault. We should have just catered with Beryl, you can always be guaranteed of good food arriving on time."
"And she's not likely to accidentally poison her guests either." Anna added grimly.
"No, she's not," Elsie offered a gentle grin, "but we must remember that no one was hurt in the end. Everything turned out just fine. And Charlie loved his gift."
"I suppose so."
The two women fell into an easy silence as they watched the party goers mingle. There had been a time where her birthdays were spent in a small cramped flat with just her and Joe. She had enjoyed those days. He would pretend to bake a cake and they would turn on the radio and dance to whatever the top forty station played. And now that she was successful everyone who knew her seemed to want to partake in the festivities. It made one think heavily about the idea of retirement. Success seemed to bring too many extra people into ones life.
"Maybe next year I'll just have the six of us go out to dinner." Elsie mused.
"You and Joe, me and dad?" Anna asked.
Elsie nodded, "And Beryl and Bert. Something simple."
"Ever since I can remember coming to your parties you've always had tons of people." Anna said astonished, "Sometimes I feel like you picked up on your subjects' tastes -"
"Oh heavens, Anna, don't say that." Elsie feigned a shudder, "As much as I love interviewing the upper class - and winning awards for fantastic documentaries on their sordid lives - I hope I never turn into them."
"You don't want to live like the people in Highclere?" Anna giggled.
"My goodness, no! No proper health care, backstabbing sisters, even simply having servants - can't you do your own washing?" Elsie congenially slapped Anna's knee, "Can you believe Jacqueline turned down Jack! And that ending with everyone wondering about the war!"
"I know! And Elizabeth being turned down without a proper proposal -"
"Are you talking about Highclere without me?" Beryl's voice questioned out of thin air.
"Beryl! Come! Sit!" Elsie patted the space Joe had vacated, "Did you finally catch up?"
"I threw my knitting at the telly I was so mad!" Beryl huffed as she plopped down on the sofa, "That O'Malley woman really cocked things up!"
"I couldn't believe that." Anna agreed, "I had to have Elsie explain it to me, I just couldn't believe it."
"It was -"
Elsie stalled as an older couple came by to wish her a happy birthday and say they were leaving. Joe, Elsie could see, was making his rounds with the final bottles of champagne.
Anna apologized as Elsie returned to the sofa, "I didn't realize I arrived so late."
"It's not a bother dear, I'm glad you came!" She pulled the younger woman in for a half-hug, "I feel like I never see you any more, and when I do - well, you're quite grown up these days."
They shared a knowing look which Elsie hoped Beryl would ignore for the time being.
As the rest of the guests began to depart, Elsie found herself pulled away from the sofa leaving Anna and Beryl to discuss pie crusts and question the use of butter versus shortening.
Isobel caught the birthday girl just as Joe poured the last drops of champagne. "I wanted to see what your schedule was looking like. Rishi and I were planning a trip to visit his mother in India and he said you still haven't sent out the shooting times yet."
Elsie groaned internally. Isobel and Rishi Clarkson, while two of her oldest friends, also had a habit of disappearing to the East whenever it suited them. Though she applauded their loyalty to family, it made things difficult when your best cameraman and his wife were missing during production.
Smiling externally, Elsie replied, "I'll send those out tomorrow. Lady Violet just got back to me - you know how she is."
"Oh my goodness! Are you finally getting the Crawley family on set?" Isobel asked
"Finally." Elsie nodded, "It only took a quarter of a century but here we are at last."
"Anna will be so pleased! Her best friend on camera!" Isobel nearly clapped her hands in excitement.
Elsie shrugged, "We'll see. I think Lady Violet wants us speaking to the older generation, keep the young ones out of the limelight."
"I'm just glad you finally caught them." Isobel downed the last of her beer, "I'm sure Charlie will be pleased too."
"He will! He's been my biggest ally in this whole process. I'll have to buy him some wine."
"Els," Joe jumped in, "I think Gwen and Anna are leaving."
"Oh! I'll leave you to it," Isobel said, "Happy Birthday, dear."
"Thank you! Give my regards to Rishi, I hope he feels better." Elsie hugged her friend then moved around the hallway to say goodbye to the last of the guests.
"Are you really talking about Spin?" Anna was saying as Elsie joined the younger group.
"Yeah, we have a contact there, we can absolutely get in free!" Gwen bounced in excitement.
Elsie, in a vain attempt to keep her nerves at bay, said, "What is Spin?"
Gwen started, "Oh! It's a new club downtown. The DJs actually play records and they have a whole vodka section -"
"- it's a perfectly fine club where we'll be perfectly safe," Anna added.
"And you drink vodka now?" Elsie asked as calmly as she could.
Anna, bless her, managed not to roll her eyes, "You know I don't drink, Mumzi."
"Good girl." Elsie added, "You will tell Charlie you're not coming straight home won't you?"
"Yes, I'll text him, promise." This time Anna did roll her eyes, albeit in jest.
Nodding to show she accepted the terms of their agreement Elsie hugged each of the girls. She resisted the urge to remind them to make good choices, remembering that Anna was now twenty one and completely trustworthy. Or so she hoped. Anna still felt like the little girl she watched take her first steps, fall down on her bicycle, and now she was clubbing and seriously dating. It was overwhelming if she thought about it for too long. And she couldn't imagine how Charlie felt about it.
As the door closed behind them Elsie found herself wondering where Beryl had got to. Walking back into the lounge she found Joe already picking up the left over plates and glasses. He was so focused. She couldn't help but smile as she watched him, such concentration for such a small task. He was never one to do things in half, her Joe.
"Need any help?" She asked
"No, not on your birthday." He smirked, "Beryl said goodbye. She had to run, Daisy wasn't feeling too well."
Swaying her hips more than usual - and concluding she might have had a little too much to drink - she wandered to her husband and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, leaning into him.
"Poor girl," she continued, "She's lucky to have Beryl though."
Joe hummed a response and picked up another glass.
"Leave it, dear," Elsie said pulling the glass from his hand, "come, let's go upstairs."
"But then we'll have to take care of it in the morning. And since it won't be your birthday anymore, you'll have to help."
She smiled into his neck, then kissed his cheek, "I don't mind."
When he turned to face her, she caught his lips with hers. Sighing at the light touch. He pulled away much too quickly.
"Let me finish, Els, I'll meet you up there in twenty." He said, pulling away as he crouched down to retrieve a fallen olive.
The stirring in the pit of her stomach reminded her of the question she had wanted to ask. But she'd been putting it off for weeks now, assuming that, like always, he would simply tell her when he was ready.
But of course, the combination of alcohol and the heady experience of having a party forced the words out of her mouth, "Joe, are you feeling alright?"
He sprung up in surprise. Which didn't shock her. He was looking at her quizzically, "You never..."
"I know, I know." She said, holding a hand to her forehead, "But you most often just say whatever is on your mind, I don't have to ask."
She stalled as her own words hit her. "Unless, that's what the problem is."
He shook his head, "No, no."
He sighed. Then hunched his shoulders as he looked to the ground and scratched the back of his head. Ten stone dropped into the pit of her stomach. She had only seen him in such anxiety twice before: once when he said he wasn't sure he was ready for marriage, and then many years later when he said he didn't want to have children.
"I didn't want to do this today." He said.
She almost didn't hear him, he spoke so quietly. Feeling still and yet dizzy she asked, "Didn't want to do what?"
He shook his head, "It's silly, really, because I'm relieved. I shouldn't be, but I am."
Forcing the dizziness out of the way, her anger started to catch up to her, "Relieved about what? Joe?"
"I didn't want to do this today." He added, "It's your birthday and I thought it would be best to discuss this - to tell you - whatever - because I didn't want to do this today I thought it'd be better after the new year, after Beryl's party -"
"Joe, just say it."
"I think we should get a divorce."
She heard him say it, the sound of his voice. But it also sounded like she had said it. Like her voice had whispered along with it. She understood why. She was watching it now. And the sounds and the scene were not together. She watched herself, her rigid body staring, asking aloud the words he had spoken.
"You think we should get a -"
Her own words came out jumbled. The party leftovers surrounded them, mocked them. Party leftovers remained happy despite the dark hole in the room. The angle changed and for a moment she thought she had fallen into the fireplace.
"I'm in love." He admitted.
She watched herself lean, almost falling over. Then everything came whirring together as a deep seated anger brought her mind and body into cooperation.
"Who?" She demanded.
He shook his head, "You don't know her."
"What's her name?"
He sighed, "Marla."
"Mar -" She couldn't finish. A dawning bubble of realization was bursting within. She replayed a memory from two years ago. Marla. That Marla. Marla who laughed Marla. Marla who told jokes. Stupid Jokes. Stupid Marla. "She sold us our car."
Almost imperceptibly Joe nodded.
"I think I fucking know the woman who sold us our car, Joe!"
"You don't know her know her!" He said, "I handled that whole transaction -"
"I can see you handled it oh so well didn't you!" She couldn't fathom his anger. What the hell did he have to be angry about? "And don't you dare - don't you dare raise your voice - you did this. You! Did this."
"You know what's funny?" Joe started, "Is that you couldn't stand her. And I kept thinking how similar this was to you and Charlie. How I didn't understand how you could be friends with a man who was too blind to know his wife was cheating on him!"
"What does that have to do with -"
"I helped her!" Joe continued, "I helped her. She was going through a divorce and she needed someone to talk to. Like you - you ran off to console poor old Charlie as his wife did more and more drugs -"
"No, Joe, I told you about Charlie. I told you every time I went to see him." She threw her hands up, "And you supported me! You told me to help 'the old boy' out! You never said a thing about Marla - and by the way I never slept with Charlie!"
"I never slept with Marla!"
Silence. Cold firm silence stifled the room. They stood facing each other, further apart than they had ever stood from one another. Silence felt like defeat. Elsie felt her shoulders slump, she felt her anger dissipate into a cold sweat.
"Explain." She said.
It took him a full minute to find the words. "She just needed someone to talk to. I didn't mean for anything to happen. But then, we kept talking, and we kept talking, and it was fun, and interesting, and I - Elsie, we married before either of us ever really dated. We never knew what's out there, and I kept thinking how implausible it seemed to find true love in the same city - let alone the same neighborhood. And maybe I loved you, I thought that I loved you. But I'm finding love here, now, with Marla."
She wasn't going to cry in front of him. Instead, she marched to the staircase. She could feel him following her. She tried desperately not to listen to his meager explanations.
"Elsie, I thought I was doing good. Like we thought you were doing good all those years ago with Charlie and Alice. You helped them! I never put my neck out there for someone other than you, and I thought I was doing a good deed, being kind to a stranger. But then it fell out of control and - where are you going?"
She had pulled out her little red suitcase and started throwing whatever she could reach into it.
"Els, listen, it's late okay, I'll find a hotel. This is my mess, I know. I wanted to get a divorce before Marla and I made anything official. I wanted that for you -"
She laughed. And laughed. It was hard to stop once she started, like hyperventilating. Her suitcase full - of what she didn't know - she marched back down the stairs.
"Elsie, please, don't go!" Joe pleaded, "I'll go. I don't want you getting hurt cause -"
She rounded on him, "You want a divorce. So I'm leaving. That's what you want. Here it is. You get what you want. Lucky you."
Throwing open the door she stepped into the crisp air. No jacket, didn't matter, she was only walking a few blocks. Joe followed her to the end of the driveway and then watched her as she walked away. When she reached the point where she knew he couldn't see her she started a run. The cold air hit her lungs, burned her throat. It kept her mind real. Her only worry now was if Charlie would be home when she knocked on his door.