I've had this written for maybe two weeks? But I was so not in the mood. I'm still not entirely, but I've decided it would be a waste to let it collect metaphorical dust in my files so I should probably share and hopefully your reviews will knock me back into a better mood. They always do (thank you for that).
Thank you to my writer bff, Blue, for reading even the words I didn't write (and then getting me to write them).
..
As Harvey approaches his office the first thing he notices is that Donna is not at her desk. Again. She's probably just inside, which he immediately confirms turning to see her bended form behind his desk, her hips greeting him in the air, but dammit, she keeps doing that.
"Donna, how many times have I told you, I want you out front. I'm the only associate with a secretary, it'd be nice if people could see my secretary."
Donna's completely unfazed by his words and doesn't even bother moving until she finishes whatever it is that she's doing. "Well, then maybe your next secretary can figure out where to put this," she throws a basketball in his direction, "without coming into your office."
He rolls the ball in his hand, confused for a second until he sees it.
"You're kidding."
"Not kidding."
"You didn't forge this?"
"I am a lot of things, but am I not a monster. I would do that to neither Michael nor you."
"Ohh, so he's Michael now?" He raises his brows in a light tease, amusement spreading over his features.
"Well, I'm Donna to him, he's Michael to me." She states nonchalantly but in a slightly seductive tone, teasing him back before adding pointedly "Which is what I told His Airness when he called."
"Wait a second. You're not kidding. He signed with me?"
"Well, technically, he signed with me."
Harvey's face lights up in excitement. "Holy shit, Donna. We need to celebrate tonight!"
"Oh, I'm gonna celebrate. You, on the other hand, are having drinks with Louis."
"What? We've been over this. Whenever Louis asks to have drinks with me the answer is always no."
"Listen to the words that I'm saying," she points to her own lips as she slowly moves to lean on the back of his chair and enunciates her next words to make a point. "You're getting drinks with Louis tonight."
The penny drops in his mind. "Fairchild's retiring."
"Fairchild's dead."
It takes him a beat to react. And then he shrugs, good humored. "That's almost as good as the Jordan news."
"Hm, not to Fairchild."
"Who gives a shit about Fairchild? The real tragedy is I have to get drinks with Louis."
"Which is why I got you a secluded restaurant with a table on the back where no one will see you."
"And you'll call a half an hour in and say there's an emergency?"
Donna moves closer and reassures him. "Already in place. And if I can't get through then I'll just have the waiter spill drinks all over Louis."
"You could have that done?"
"Oh please, I could have Louis held captive in a Tibetan monastery if I wanted to."
A petulant smile draws himself on his lips as he tilts his head. "Yeah, I don't think you can really have that—"
"Now get out of your office." She snatches the basketball back from his hands and moves to sit on his chair. "I've got work to do."
He's doing as he's told the second she orders and then he double takes – her and himself – with a confused frown as to why he just does whatever the hell she tells him to. He leaves his office while she pats his ball with a way too self satisfied smile on her lips and he's sure there's a metaphor there he's just not willing to dwell on.
..
A few hours later he's at the weirdest restaurant he's ever been to. He could only describe it as too fancy shmancy. It's the sort of place he would never set foot so of course Louis loves it and once again he catches himself blessing Donna's expertise.
Half an hour. That's all he has to endure. Half an hour, long bathroom breaks and all the scotch he can chug to make the minutes fly by faster. That is until Louis shares his surprisingly good idea of convincing Hardman that two junior partners are worth as much as one new senior partner and that they should team up so they both could get what they want. It's one of those rare moments when Harvey remembers the guy is not actually an idiot.
Pearson, Hardman, Specter, Litt. That's Louis' brilliant idea. Harvey's unexpectedly interested in the conversation when his phone vibrates and they both know it's Donna and her "emergency". He doesn't pick up and in a second Louis is covered in alcohol and he's biting his lips to stop from laughing.
Despite Louis' slightly soaked suit, their night together lasts a little while longer than Harvey had originally intended as they come up with the specifics to their plan of becoming junior partners together.
The plan seems solid enough and he's always his best self when he has a concrete goal to work towards. He feels exhilarated and just the slightest bit inebriated and like he has one more reason to celebrate tonight. And Louis definitely isn't the one he wants to do it with.
It's still early. And she did just call him twenty minutes ago so he knows she's available. Standing outside the restaurant after waving Louis off in a cab, he fishes his phone out of his pocket and returns his one missed call.
"I gather you were having just way too good a time with Louis to leave sooner, huh?" She teases in place of a hello.
"Either that or he's on his way to a Tibetan monastery as we speak."
Donna chuckles and he can hear noises in the background.
"Where are you?"
"I'm celebrating."
"Oh, so you were serious about that?"
"I'm always serious about margaritas."
"The Louis situation is dealt with. You can celebrate with me now."
"Who says I want to?"
"You're celebrating with Michael, aren't you?"
He jokes and she laughs again and he's pissed about the drinks she's had without him tonight.
"Where are you?"
"Atlas, at 24th. Be quick."
He's glad she can't see the grin on his face as he hails a cab.
..
She's perched on a tall bar stool, legs crossed and leaning her side on the bar while she listens to something a blond woman sitting beside her is saying. She notices Harvey walking up to them and the corners of her lips curl slightly. Her company follows her gaze from behind her shoulder and when he makes his way to Donna the woman has already hopped off her stool and is simultaneously saying bye to Donna and hi to him as she leaves them and joins a table nearby with a few other people.
He orders two Macallans, noticing her almost empty margarita glass, but changing her drink order without asking. Donna raises her brows at his action.
"Celebrating means scotch, Don." His expression is way too smug and he knows it.
"Who am I to mess with a ritual?" She shrugs, accepting the tumbler of scotch the bartender places in front of her.
He bites his lips to refrain from pointing out that she has screwed up one rather important ritual for them, making him promise to never mention it again. She reads the words on his face. Of course she does. But she also bites down her response to that, instead opting to raise her glass to him.
"To His Airness?" she asks.
"To me being the best goddamn closer in the city?"
"To your overused ego sustaining you for many years to come?"
He nods in acceptance and they clink their glasses and take simultaneous sips.
She doesn't wince anymore, he notices. He remembers their earlier celebrations a few years back. Stolen scotch from Cameron Dennis' office shared by her desk. Scotch paid with his way more modest DA office salary on bars that weren't as nice as this one when they could find the time to actually go out. She always used to wince to the drink, but not anymore.
"Seriously, Harvey. I know how much you wanted this. I'm happy for you."
"Well, be happy for you, too. I couldn't have done it without you."
She offers a tight lipped smile and he knows she's touched by his words.
"How was it with Louis?"
Harvey tells her everything about Louis' idea, but weirdly she's not as excited about it as he thought she would be.
"And you actually trust him with this?" She has a confused look on her face at the end of his story.
"I… Yes. I mean… Why do you look suspicious?"
"I don't know, Harvey. You two have always had this weird love and hate relationship…"
"No love from me."
"…and now you're trusting him with something this big? What's to say he's not just gonna use you to get what he wants?"
"Okay, first of all, that would imply he could actually fool me and I thought you had me in higher regard than this." He teases with an amused expression and she rolls her eyes. "And secondly, this is a win-win situation. We're on the same side, he doesn't even have any reason to try to screw me over."
"I'm not saying he's trying to screw you over. I'm just saying he wouldn't hesitate to do so should the situation call for it. He doesn't get loyalty like you do."
"Don't worry about it, Donna. If the situation calls for it, I'll crush him."
She nods, accepting he knows what he's doing. "Okay, then. It's your call."
"Now can we drink to that?"
"You already want to celebrate junior partnership? Jeez…"
"Preliminary celebration. We'll do it again once the deal is done."
"Good thing you're getting a raise…"
"A big one." He calls the bartender to refill their drinks. "Were you here with those people?" He nods towards the table her friend had joined earlier.
"Yes, until you hijacked my night."
"Who are they?"
"Do you really care?" Her question is rhetorical. She practically rolls her eyes thinking she knows the answer, but strangely, he does care.
Harvey smirks and averts his eyes. "Not one bit."
He's hungry, she's not, so he orders a big platter he knows she'll inevitably snack on as they keep talking and drinking. As the night progresses, she starts ordering her scotch on the rocks and he knows that means she's literally trying to water down her imminent drunkenness, but he's still going strong with his neat shots.
Live music starts to play at the back of the bar and it gets darker around them, the only bright lights in the place being the ones shining on the band. It's good music, but they don't pay much attention to it.
It's loud and dim lit and suddenly he realizes how close they are. Her knees are placed between his legs as they sit facing each other, leaning forward and talking dangerously close to each other's ears with the innocent excuse of winning over the loudness that surrounds them.
She's giggly and he likes it. Donna's funny and she has a wicked sense of humor, but she's not usually giggly and whenever it happens it's a rare treat Harvey appreciates to no end.
He can smell something vanilly and flowery as he rambles a silly story into her hair and he doesn't know how his hand ends up on the back of her stool, keeping her locked between the bar and his arm, but he can't spend more than a second on the thought when her own hand playfully rests on his knee as she teases him and he loses himself in whatever the hell he was talking about. It doesn't matter, as long as she keeps smiling.
Groups of people watch the band, couples chat at a few tables, people talk loudly through the music. The bar is packed, but they're completely detached from the crowd and it creates more intimacy between them than if they were completely alone in the place.
He doesn't know what's happening and he doesn't think she does either, but he's sure as hell not about to stop it.
She's now telling him something about Janet in bankruptcy making a fool of herself trying to flirt with Jeff from the IT department, who apparently everybody but Janet knows is gay. It would be a really funny story if Donna wasn't playing Janet herself while telling it and using Harvey as her prop Jeff as she mockingly flirts with him. One of her hands rests on his arm and the other runs over his tie as she quotes one of Janet's cheesy lines and Harvey feels his throat run dry and his body go completely stiff before Donna cracks up to her own story. In a second her hands are off him and back at her drink.
He laughs along. It probably really was funny, even though he missed the punchline.
He recovers quickly, but a hand with a mind of its own finds a way to rest casually on her thigh, teasing the limit between the fabric of her dress and her silky skin. He almost loses all of his recent gathered cool when he notices goose bumps spread over her skin at his touch.
That's when his alcohol drenched brain decides to give in. To let whatever is going on between them tonight just happen. Something on the back of his consciousness tells him he might regret it tomorrow. He'll definitely regret it if things go to shit, but right now he can't imagine how they possibly could. Besides, they've manage to go down this road once without screwing everything up…
All he knows is he can't stop staring at her smile and that she looks incredibly hot in that dress and how amazing it is that she hasn't batted his hand away from her leg yet.
"You look weirdly thoughtful." She mentions lightly and he realizes his internal thought process might be showing up on his face, but she's not paying that much attention and instead waving for the bartender to refill their drinks again.
His hand strokes her upper thigh and he starts talking to distract both her and himself from the bold move, though he wonders how bold is it really when that same hand has been resting there for way longer than it would be considered casual. He feels fire combusting inside himself and yet he's paralyzed.
He's never felt this tentative around any woman. If this had been anyone else on the planet they'd be halfway to his bed by now. But it's Donna and the hot feeling low on his groin mixes desire with uncertainty.
"How did you even find this place?" He hears his own voice asking.
"Mark brought us here."
He assumes she means one of the guys on the table with her friends. "Were you on a date?" Amusement spreads over his features as he asks in a teasing tone.
Donna rolls her eyes. "Of course not."
"Why 'of course'? You going on dates is not unheard of." He baits.
"Because if I was, I wouldn't have let you ruin it by showing up here."
"Oh, so you'll only accept my company when you don't have anything better going on?"
"Exactly."
"Well, then, joke's on you, because you won't ever find anything better than what you have right here." He points at himself and nods to emphasize what he's saying in such a silly way she loses that nonchalant expression she uses when she's teasing him and starts to laugh.
"I don't know about that. But either way, I wouldn't give up on a sure thing for you."
"Oh, I'm a sure thing." He winks at her.
"Oh, are you?"
When he jokingly makes these sorts of moves she usually shrugs him off. She laughs and looks the other way and hits him with a smug reply that tells him she's out of his reach. She's laughing now but she's also got a mischievous grin on her rosy lips. She's leaning even closer to him and he doesn't know how he's supposed to not kiss her.
They're so close all he has to do is turn his head the slightest so his lips travel from her ear, barely grazing over her cheek, until he reaches her mouth.
He stops, frozen an inch away from her lips. A second goes by in which he realizes he's not contemplating this might be a mistake or reigning in the courage to give in or give up. He's actually relishing in the moment because the anticipation of kissing Donna feels almost as good as actually doing so.
His gaze goes from her slightly parted lips to her eyes. He watches her staring at his lips until his gaze attracts hers. Her eyes look so bright and slightly hooded from alcohol and lust. She holds his gaze and he smirks.
It's like he's daring her to move, to stop him, to bring up her rule and put an end to this all while knowing she won't. This must be the boldest assumption of his life, but somehow he knows. Something about how she doesn't flinch or how moist her lips look or how her hand is now also resting on his knee as she stays still in her leaned position.
He drops his sight, barely closing his eyes, and drags his lips over hers. It's slow and it's not a kiss yet. It's just enough to test her, but not taste her. Just enough to challenge her.
Donna raises their stakes when her teeth close on his bottom lip. It's as light as his initial touch, but she lets her teeth slowly drag over his lip, tugging on it until it's set free.
His tongue involuntary runs over his own lip and he can't contain his grin over her move. He notices her sighing breathily while watching the course of his tongue. It's his turn again.
He takes her top lip into his mouth and sucks on it. It's not as light as their previous moves, it's way greedier, and when he feels the lightest of moans escape from her lips into his all his self control is gone as he captures her lips and kisses her senseless.
Hands slide up the expanse of her upper thighs and hold her hips, pulling her to the edge of the barstool and as close to him as their current location allows. Donna's legs get locked between his thighs and both of her hands travel up his chest to his neck as she tilts her head, angling their kiss to perfection.
It doesn't even make sense that she would taste this unbelievably good when she's been drinking the exact same thing as him. And yet she does, he notices as her tongue swirls around his own on the inside of his mouth. His hands run up her body, squeezing her waist on the way as she bites his lower lip again, forcefully this time, and it makes him groan.
Fingers tangle beneath her hair and smooth over the soft skin of her neck, thumb lightly sliding its way up her throat until it reaches her jaw line, caressing her there. He's so desperate for her he doesn't understand where this tenderness is coming from.
Donna folds an arm around his neck while she kisses his jaw line on the opposite side. Her other hand runs over his chest down to his stomach, feeling his abs clench beneath her delicate touch.
His breathing runs heavy. Her lips ghost over his ear lobe before dragging over his cheek to meet his mouth again. He can't hear the loudness that surrounds them. He completely loses his awareness of the crowd. He's deaf, except for Donna's breathy moans. He's blind, except for the occasional glimpse of red hair, pale skin and reddened lips before his eyes.
His arm round her waist and his hand fists the hair at the nape of her neck as he pulls her so close to him he almost drags her out of her seat.
He's kissing her neck when it first happens.
One second she's melted against him and in the next one she stiffens. She's still holding onto him so he doesn't pay that much mind to it as he sucks on her skin.
Then her arms untangle from around him and she rests both hands on his shoulders. She doesn't push him, but he knows.
He just wants to drown on the smell of her neck and the softness of her skin, but he reluctantly pulls himself away. Dragging his nose on the crook of her neck as he moves, he steals one last breath of her.
When he meets her eyes he wants to scream at himself for ever touching her, and yet he can't take his hands off her.
She looks… fearful. He wants to punch himself for ever making her look that way. But he doesn't understand why she does. She knows he would never…
In the next second he knows she also saw something in his eyes that made her hate herself because she immediately squeezes his shoulders and trades her expression for a reassuring look.
She's telling him it's okay. It's not okay to go on. But it's okay.
"I just…" Her voice is weak.
It's the first words out of her mouth and he grasps at it like a lifeboat because he desperately needs something to hold on to, anything that would make him understand. She looks down at her own thighs and her silence lasts a second too long to allow Harvey any sort of unrealistic hope that maybe they could…
"We can't, Harvey."
His heavy breathing fails him. He's looking at her but for once she doesn't seem to be able to look back into his eyes. She takes her hands off his shoulders as if she suddenly realizes she shouldn't be doing that either. He lets his own hands slide off her body slowly, until they lay limply over his legs.
"It took us so long to get back to normal, to get back to us after… the other time."
"What if this is us, Donna?" He's worried his voice sounds too much like a plea, but he can't help it.
"I really don't want to screw things up, Harvey."
He doesn't either.
On the back of his mind something screams at him that he should be fighting way harder. Exactly like the time she made him promise to keep her out of his mind and never mention their one night together. The same voice yelled at him then. But it was her condition to go to work for him so he nodded and agreed. And now…
He wants this more than he can remember ever wanting anything, but is it really worth it when it could be risking everything they have? Is it really worth it when Donna's telling him that this will screw things up? And Donna's always right. She doesn't make mistakes. Does she?
Someday in the future she would shred a document and get herself fired and while he would drown himself in scotch and misery in his apartment he'll remember this moment and think that if she does in fact make mistakes, what's to prove that stopping them that one night years in the past wasn't one of them?
Someday in the future she would tell him she's leaving him and he'll watch her walk away and once again he's going to hear that same voice screaming desperately at him to not let her go. Once again he'll ignore it. Paralyzed by shock and by his inability to ever fight for her, because he's never sure of what he can offer her if she stays.
The odd one out would be when she kisses him again, way too far along in the future. Kissing him when it's obviously wrong because he's with someone else. How could she possibly be right in that situation? Does that mean they got everything wrong for twelve years? When she walks away from him every pound of his heart against his chest will beg him to go after her and never let her go. But he won't.
He draws in a sharp breath and signals the waiter to bring the check all the while she still can't look in his eyes.
They walk out of the bar on wobbly legs and the silence outside the place rings in their ears.
He wants to tell her it's okay because he hates this heavy silence between them but he doesn't know if he can honestly say that.
Harvey hails her a cab and opens the door for her.
She leans on the open door and it's the first time she looks in his eyes since she's told him they couldn't.
"Are you okay?" Donna inquires quietly.
She doesn't ask whether they are okay because of course she's not thinking of herself for a second, or about her job, or anything else other than how he is feeling. This realization brings a sad smile to his face as he shakes his head at the thought of how she's always so selfless with him, while he so selfishly wants her.
He reaches for her wrist and smoothes his thumb over her skin.
"We're always okay."
"Is it okay if we hug?" Donna asks softly, the tiniest hint of humor in her eyes at the reality of now asking permission for something as innocent as a hug after having her tongue inside his mouth just five minutes ago.
He rolls his eyes and pulls her by the wrist until she's in his arms again.
His eyes close when he places his face on the crook of her neck, but it's quick. Way too quick for his liking. Not quick enough for his raging desire for her not to sneak its ugly head out, sniffing the air for any sign of hope.
It's not a conscious decision. No sort of well thought out course of action. But someday in the future he'll realize that was the moment he stopped touching her. Not shoulder bumps or accidental brush of hands or impulsively grabbing her arm when he's distracted by circumstance. Really touching her, in a way that makes them both feel it.
Someday in the future, he'll realize they've lost that much of each other. Maybe it will be when she kisses him and that softness has the strength of a punch knocking him into his bitter reality. Maybe it will be even sooner, when the absence of her in his daily life uncovers the fact that he's been feeding off her presence to quench his need for her touch. He'll wonder if maybe they've made this decision together, like so many others in their lives, because though they've never spoken about it, he doesn't remember her touching him either.
She disentangles herself from him again and smiles sweetly.
"No one can say we don't know how to celebrate, huh?"
She tries at her humor and he's grateful as he chuckles lightly.
"Goodnight, Harvey."
The cab is taking her away from him before he can utter his goodbyes.
..
nothing quite makes my bones ache like our almosts
..
I have a huge weakness for fics that preserve what we know to be true but add more layers. I hope you guys like it too. And hopefully this didn't mess up canon too much… Or at all. I mean, where's the proof that this didn't happen? ;)