Thinking Of You

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

Five years. Five long, sorrowful, painful years. That's how long it's been since Edward was killed. Victoria, Riley, and Benjamin had gotten to him before Jacob and Sam could get to where we were. The wolves, plus Jasper and Emmett, took them down. But too late. Too late for Edward. Too late for my love, my life. My world.

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Jacob was all I had left. He's been trying to fix me all this time. I care about him, I really do. But its nothing like it was with Edward. Jacob isn't my soul mate, the love of my existence like Edward was.

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

I have pictures of him. But that's all. All that's left of the man who meant everything to me. Everything, and then some. I don't know how to get past him. I don't think I can. I'm nothing without him. I'm just an empty shell without him. Life and meaning are gone.

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

I know it was his original plan to stay away from me and let me pick someone else, someone natural for me, as he said. Someone human. Someone healthier for me. So I finally said yes to Jacob. If I can make him happy, that's something, right? Maybe I can start to be a little happier with him too. I really don't know.

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

At first, though, I couldn't even look at Jacob. I couldn't look at anyone, really. Those first three months were bad. Really bad. Charlie almost had to check me into the hospital. I barely ate. I couldn't sleep. Whenever I did, I had horrible nightmares. They would start out wonderful, Edward and I in our meadow, just being together. I can smell his sweet scent, taste his lips on mine. Then the vampires come in, and they kill him, right in front of me. Again and again and again. I hear the metallic screech of my life being ripped apart, smell the thick smoke of my whole world being set on fire. And I wake up screaming like never before. And I can't stop for about 10 minutes every time.

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

When Jacob holds me, I crave a different embrace. A cold, marble-like god holding me. I look into Jacob's warm brown eyes, and I miss the ocher eyes I haven't seen in so long. I feel his softer, hot, dark skin, and I long for the cold, hard, white skin of the one I was going to spend the rest of my life, and several more after that with. I look at Jacob, and I can't breathe right. I look at Jacob and I want to see Edward.

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched and I was burned
Oh I think you should know

I hate myself everyday for not insisting that Edward take me far away from that fight with him. Continents away. I will hate myself everyday of the rest of my life for not making sure my world was safe. My angel. My angel is gone.

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes

I wish I could see Edward's eyes again. The ones that hypnotized me with one glance. The ones that brimmed with love every time he looked at me. The ones I will never, ever see again.

Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

Sometimes, I forget. I think he'll knock on the door, sneak in through my window once again. And then I remember he never will again, and it's that much harder.
I miss you. I love you. Edward…wait for me, wherever you are. We'll be together again, my love.