The Memorial
"Okay. Can I say it? I wanna say it."
Angel looks around at his friends, smiling. Wesley smiles back. "Say what?" he asks.
Angel grins wider, then pushes open the large double doors to his hotel. "There's no place like…" Angel's voice trails off as he sees a familiar face sitting in one of the sofas, looking as though the world has ended. A million thoughts flash through his mind, none of them thoughts he wishes to entertain. "Willow?"
The redhead looks up at him, tears beginning anew in her red rimmed eyes. She says nothing.
"What's…" Cordelia begins, but words fail her as the look on Willow's face deepens with a dark sadness. Slowly Willow stood, as if not sure her legs would hold her. Her eyes stay focused on Angel, a few tears leaking down her cheeks and onto her shirt. In that moment, Angel knew that his deepest fear had come to pass.
"It's Buffy," he said quietly. Wesley and Cordelia cover their mouths, both seeming to be shocked and concerned. Gunn purses his lips, not sure how to react. He has no idea what could have happened, but he knew that whatever it was, it was bad. Fred, her hair a mess and her face dirty, looked confused.
"Willow, uh, give me just a minute to get Fred here settled into a room?" Angel asked, knowing that Willow was about to deliver news he never wanted to hear. If only he could delay it a moment more, he could be strong. Willow nodded. Angel smiled sadly, then took Fred by the arm and led her up the stairs. Cordelia walked over to Willow and hugged her.
"Oh God, Cordy," Willow sobbed, unable to keep herself together any longer. "Oh God, I just… I can't…"
"Shhh," Cordelia comforted her, rubbing her back gently. Wesley walked to the two and embraced them both, knowing that indeed, his ex-charge was…
God, he couldn't even bring himself to think the word, let alone say or hear it. He didn't know that he could truly listen as Willow recounted it, but he would do his damndest.
"Cordy?" Willow sighed.
Cordelia pulled back to look at the grief stricken young woman. "Yes?" she asked sweetly.
"What... what… what are you wearing?"
Cordelia looked down, remembering for the first time that she looked like something out of some Arabian Nights fantasy. She grimaced for a moment. "Oh, yeah… you caught me at a bad time. We actually just got back from this other dimension, and I was a slave at first, and then they realized I had visions, and next thing I knew, I was made a princess," she explained. "That's the condensed version, anyway." She smiled. Willow laughed for a moment, and Wesley felt better for just that moment. Willow turned to him, as if just realizing he was there.
"Wesley," she whispered. He nodded. She looked between the two and saw Gunn, who was still standing by the door. "Who…"
"Oh, this is Gunn, Charles Gunn," Cordelia told her, stepping back so that Willow could get a better view. "He was a vampire hunter before he became a part of our team."
He smiled and walked towards them just as Willow fell against Wesley, crying again.
"I'm gonna go get changed," Cordelia whispered. "I'll be right back." Wesley nodded. He rubbed Willow's back much like Cordelia had, murmuring words of comfort that he knew would not help Willow in the least. But they made him feel better - they made him feel as though he could at least, for once, control himself. He continued whispering to her as her body was racked with sobs, until something caught his eye. He looked up.
Angel stood at the small area that joined the two stairways, leaning against the handrail. His face gave away everything. He already knew what had happened, although he didn't know the details. And yet, he was holding out hope - hope that he was wrong, hope that maybe if he never heard Willow say the words that it would be like a bad dream, and he could wake up knowing that Buffy was safe.
Slowly, he started down the stairs, his face becoming more and more pained with each step, as though he were walking across holy objects in bare feet. Willow looked up to see him, pushing away from Wesley, who let her go without objection. She ran to Angel, who was now off the stairs, and threw herself into his arms. He finally felt it - in his gut, he finally felt what his head had been telling him all along. He fell back onto the stairs, Willow collapsing with him, the two bawling hard on each other's shoulders. Angel pulled Willow into him as hard as he dared, and Willow's arms did the same. Angel cried there on her shoulder for what felt like an entire lifetime.
Cordelia returned, dressed in an old pair of sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt. She had left them here for nights that she ended up sleeping here after too many hours of work. She ran her fingers through her hair to tame it a bit, looking sadly at the two friends as they sobbed, uncontrollably, into each other. She wiped at her face, tears stinging her eyes and suddenly felt Wesley pull her into him, felt his chest heaving with his own grief, until there was nothing holding either of them back. They too, wept into each other, knowing only the awful truth.
Buffy Anne Summers, the Vampire Slayer, was dead.
"It was so hard," Willow said softly, sipping a cup of tea that Wesley had prepared for her. She looked at the corner of the desk, her legs curled up under her in the large armchair that had been moved into the office. Angel sat across from her, his elbows on his knees, fingers intertwined. He looked at the ground, the desk, the walls, anywhere but into another person's face - that he could not do right then. "No one knew what had happened until we saw her there. Tara had to hold me up. I couldn't walk, couldn't think. Xander nearly dropped Anya when he finally realized what had happened. Dawn fell against Giles. He ended up carrying her back to the cars." Angel nodded slowly.
"What I really don't get," Willow said, Angel looking up then. "What I don't get, is how it seemed to hit Spike the hardest."
"Spike?" Angel asked. Willow nodded.
"Yeah. He saw Buffy and that was just it. He broke hardest. Tried at least three times to run to her, but she was in the sunlight. Each time, he'd get about four steps from her before we had to drag him back. Kept shouting at us to let him go, let him die there. In the end, Dawn brought him out if it. She grabbed his hand and pulled him into a hug. He just sobbed the rest of the day. Cried all day, all night. Hasn't spoken a word since. I just don't understand."
Cordelia looked at Angel, who's emotions had changed to outright hatred. "Spike's in love with her," he growled.
"That's what he's been saying for some time now," Willow said. "You don't think it's true?"
"It would be the logical explanation," Wesley said slowly, as though trying to believe it himself. He stood and paced a bit. "It would certainly justify his actions."
"But you don't know what he's done," Willow said quietly, looking up at Wesley. "He's gone to extremes trying to get Buffy to love him in return, and she's always rejected him. So why wouldn't he have given up?"
"Spike would never give up once he set his sights on something," Angel said, the anger flaring. "He'd exhaust every source to get what he wants."
"And now all he wants is to die," Willow said. "But I think he feels that he has to protect Dawn, be there for her - he's been camping out in their basement. I mean," Willow looked down at her hands, still holding the tea cup. "I mean, her basement - Dawn's."
Angel said nothing. He couldn't. He knew that if he tried to talk, his voice would fail him, and he'd only end up crying and moaning incoherent nothings. Cordelia stood up.
"Does anyone want anything else?" she asked, her face tear streaked, her make up ruined. "I'm getting some more tea - can I get anyone a refill?" Willow smiled at her, and held out her empty tea cup. Wesley and Gunn declined. "Angel?" she asked. He said nothing. "Angel?" she asked again, kneeling next to him. "Angel, it won't do any good to deprive yourself of blood. You need to have something - can I please heat up some blood for you?" Finally, he nodded. She squeezed his arm and carefully walked out of the office with the empty cups.
"So, this Spike dude, I'm guessing, is not someone you'd approve of with Buffy?" Gunn asked, looking at Angel. Angel looked up at him, infuriated. "I'm just asking," Gunn said, his hands up in a defensive manor. "I'm just trying to get a better grasp on the situation." Angel nodded, anger still etched in his face.
"Basically," Wesley interjected, "Spike is one of Angel's original group. He, Darla, Drusilla, and Spike roamed the world, killing and hunting. And, unlike Angel, Spike has no soul - only a government chip implanted in his brain that renders him unable to attack a human being. Since realizing he can still fight and kill demons, he has aligned with Buffy and her friends, originally only to get in some fighting and help to quell his inner beast. But now, it would appear that his interest in helping to fight evil is motivated by something else altogether." Wesley looked at Angel, who rubbed his eyes.
"Oh," was all Gunn could think to say. He rubbed a hand over the top of his head and exhaled, hard. "And suddenly, this Spike guy thinks that he loves Buffy?"
"He never thought it," Willow said. "He obsessed about it. He was so determined to win her love he nearly staked Drusilla for her."
"He did what?" Angel asked suddenly, looking up at Willow's face. She nodded.
"Yeah - had them both tied, or chained, or something, and told Buffy he'd stake Drusilla to prove he loved her - Buffy, that is."
"He's positively mad," Wesley said, running a hand through his hair. The other hand went to his pocket. "Howling, barking mad."
"No," Angel said. Everyone looked at him. "No, if he truly believed he could prove something by staking Drusilla, he'd have done it. He'd have done it without a second thought, without so much as flinching." Angel looked at Wesley. "That's how he is. I told you - he'd do anything he could to prove his feelings."
"And he's living with Buffy's sister now?" Gunn asked. "Are we sure that's the best idea? What if he does something to her?"
"Tara and I are staying there too right now," Willow said. "Everyone is, really. We can't stand to be apart right now. Dawn's safe," she added.
"OK, one cup of tea, two sugars for Willow," Cordelia came back in, a small serving tray balanced in her hands. She knelt in front of Willow, who took the cup from the tray.
"Do I tip you?" she asked, smiling slightly. Cordelia grinned.
"No tip needed," she said. "Now, let's see - Angel, I brought you a cup of coffee and a cup of blood - wasn't sure if you'd want anything else." She sat the tray on the desk and took her own cup from it. "If anyone needs anything else, let me know." She sat down again on one of the chairs, and tucked her legs up like Willow. She sipped her tea slowly, breathing in the scent of the leaves.
"Will there be… a… uh…" Angel couldn't bring himself to say it.
"Funeral?" Willow finished. He nodded. "No - just a small memorial service. It'll be in two days - wait, what's today?"
Gunn looked at his watch. "As of 13 minutes ago it was officially Sunday."
"Oh, then it will technically be tomorrow," Willow said. "Giles went out and bought a casket, nothing over the top, just something that we can bury her in. It's nice though. He's been making all the arrangements, mostly outside the area - if anyone really knew that she was… gone…. They'd come to take Dawn away. Not to mention that the little old Scooby Gang is really no match for the forces of evil without Buffy. Sunnydale would be overrun with demons more so than usual."
"If you need anything - anything at all," Angel began. Willow nodded.
"I know," she said. "We all know." She placed her untouched tea on the desk. "I really should be going," she said, standing. Angel followed suit. "It's getting late, and I don't know how everyone else is holding up right now." She hugged Angel tightly, tears leaking out of her eyes again. "God, Angel, I'm so so sorry," her voice broke, a slight squeal emanating with her words as she fought to hold back her emotions. She pulled back from the hug, wiping away his tears. He took her face in his hands and gently brushed her tears with his thumbs.
"So am I," he whispered.
Willow walked to Cordelia and hugged her, then Wesley. She turned to Gunn. "I'm sorry we couldn't meet under better circumstances," she said sadly. He hugged her, and she sighed against him.
The five of them walked to the door in somber silence. Willow opened the door and turned, looking back at Angel.
"The memorial is going to be held in the woods - right after sunset. We thought it would be truly unfair of us to hold it in the daylight, when you couldn't come. So please, please, be there." He nodded, and she looked at the others. "All of you - we really want you there." Cordelia nodded, silently crying. Wesley smiled, the tears held just behind his eyes threatening to jump out at any moment. Willow looked back at Angel, who's tears flowed uncontrollably. "You'll be there, right?" she whispered.
"I would never miss that," Angel told her. "Thank you - for making it something I could attend."
Monday evening seemed to come far too quickly. Angel, Cordelia, and Wesley had traveled to Sunnydale earlier that day, to visit with everyone and spend some much needed grieving time. Gunn had opted to stay at the office, in case anyone called and also to take care of Fred while Angel was gone.
Angel was surprised that he had neither seen nor heard from Spike since he had arrived. Dawn had said he was probably in the basement, crying or trying to stake himself - but most likely crying. Xander had greeted Angel with a sad smile, as had Anya and Tara. Giles had smiled too, but Angel could tell that Buffy's death was hitting him harder than he could ever have imagined. He spent a lot of his time holed up in the kitchen, making last minute arrangements and trying his hardest not to break down. But Angel had heard him many times, when he thought the others were too busy to hear him.
Finally, the sun had set and the group of them was ready to set off. Dawn excused herself for a moment. She came back from the basement with a very clean, yet depressed, Spike. Angel noticed he looked as though he had been beaten badly and had aged rapidly - he blamed Spike's haggard appearance on the grief. Spike noticed him then. His dark blue eyes filled with tears.
"Angelus," he whispered. Angel made his way to Spike and embraced him. Spike sobbed as he hugged Angel, not sure why he deserved this comfort, but reveling in it anyway. They broke apart and walked together, following the group.
The site was not hard to find - for Angel and Spike, at least. They could smell the death, as easily as if it were right in front of them. Fifteen minutes after arriving at the woods, they were all gathered around the grave.
Giles cleared his throat. "I think, that to start, Dawn should say a few words." Dawn stepped forward. Angel looked to his left, just past Spike, to see Dawn. She looked at the headstone.
"Buffy," she began. "Buffy, I love you. I will always love you. You're my sister. You're my family. I'll miss you so much." Dawn began crying. Tara moved around the headstone and held her, rubbing her back.
"Buffy was a true friend," Xander cut in. "She was always someone we could trust. No one can ever replace her."
"She was someone we could talk to when no one else seemed to hear us," Willow said, biting her lip to keep from crying.
"She understood us when it seemed no one else did," Anya said.
"She helped us when we thought we were helpless," Tara said as Dawn regained her composure.
"She was a sister, a daughter, a Slayer. But she was, most importantly, a friend." Angel looked to see Giles speaking. "She was ready to listen when need be, and ready to act when the time was right. She knew us all and loved us - loved us so much that she gave her life for not only us, but everyone on this world - most of whom will never know her or appreciate her as we did. But that does not change the fact that she made that sacrifice. She gave herself to keep the world going." Giles removed his glasses, wiping at his eyes. "Without her, this family of ours would never have come to be." He looked around at the group assembled, replacing his glasses. "Because that is what she did - she brought us all together and made us a family. And, whether we are here in Sunnydale, or in Los Angeles, or halfway across the world, we are family." He smiled at them all. "We are what she wanted us to be - and I for one, cannot thank her enough for showing me just what a family really, truly is."
Angel felt himself break again. His tears came unabashed, unashamed. He felt a hand on his arm, and looked up to see Spike. He could not have believed it before, but seeing Spike this way - his eyes so puffy from crying they looked swollen and beaten, his face red and blotchy, his raw pain - he knew now that Spike did indeed love Buffy. And then, he collapsed onto his knees, not caring who saw him. He beat his fists into the ground. Spike was crouched beside him, sobbing as well.
"Buffy," Angel whispered, "Buffy, oh God, I am so sorry - I didn't protect you. You were probably trying to get a hold of me for help…"
"Hey," Spike said. "Don't blame yourself mate. I couldn't save her either, and I promised I would. Well," he said, swallowing, "I promised I would protect Dawn - and I had kept that promise… if I had… Buffy…"
Angel latched onto Spike then, the two vampires crying with each other. Spike rested his head against Angel's, his tears falling into Angel's hair. Angel screamed against Spike's chest, feeling as helpless as a baby. Angel just screamed as Spike held him, unable to stop.
"I'm sorry," Angel said, sitting in the basement with Spike. Spike was wearing only the black slacks he had worn to the memorial. His feet and chest were bare. Angel was still clothed in his pants and shirt. He sat on the small cot that Spike was using when he stayed with Dawn. Spike looked over at him.
"Sorry?" he asked, looking confused. "For what?"
"For not being able to help," Angel said. "For not protecting her. For everything." He looked over at Spike, who was leaning against the dryer. Spike nodded.
"So am I," he whispered. "Sorry. Sorry you had to go through any of this. I know you love her still. I know you always will. No matter what happens, you'll love her."
"So will you," Angel said, looking back down. Spike's eyes went wide.
"How did - "
"Willow told me," Angel said. He looked at Spike again. "Willow told me a lot."
"I'm not apologizing for loving her," Spike said softly. "Just because she was your girl don't - "
"I don't - " Angel started. "I don't want you to apologize. I know what you did, and I don't agree with any of it. But that's your choice. And the fact that she didn't stake you…" Spike glared at Angel. "That was her choice," Angel finished. Spike nodded.
"So, what's next in the big plan?" Spike asked. Angel looked away from him and towards the door.
"Next?" Angel asked. "I don't even know what I'm going to do now. I can't begin to think about the future."
He stood and walked over to Spike. "Promise me… promise me, you won't do anything to hurt Dawn. She needs you."
Spike looked at him as though he were insane. "I made a promise to Buffy that I would protect Dawn until the end of the world," he said, looking Angel right in the eyes. "I don't care what anyone says about me or what they think - I made a promise. And I intend to keep it."
Angel smiled slightly. "Good," was all he said.
Angel finished packing a small knapsack with some clothes. He looked around the room and sighed. Slowly he lifted the strap over his head and walked to the door.
He stepped out of the room and walked down the hall, pausing outside one of the doors. He knocked lightly.
"I'm okay, don't worry about me," he heard Fred say in her light voice. "I really don't need any more tacos right now."
"It's me, Fred," he called. He heard her scrambling behind the door and the click of the lock, then saw her open it.
"Hey Angel, how are you?" she asked, pushing her glasses up on her nose.
"I'm going away for a while," he said. She looked sad for a moment, but covered it up quickly with a smile.
"Hey, no problem, I mean, you'll be back soon, right?" she asked, hopefully. He smiled sadly.
"I don't know - I could be gone for a long time. But Cordy, and Wesley, and Gunn will still be here," he told her. She nodded. "And whenever you need anything, just let them know, they'll be happy to help you out, okay?" she nodded again, then jumped out of her room and hugged him quickly. She pulled away abruptly, giggling slightly.
"Sorry, I just like hugging you," she said. "And I'll see you soon, it's not like you'll be gone forever, right?"
Angel smiled. "I'll be back," he told her. He turned and walked away, down the steps, to where the rest of the group was. Cordelia noticed him first, as well as his knapsack.
"Going somewhere?" she asked quietly. He nodded, looking at Wesley and Gunn as they turned to him.
"When will you be back?" Wesley asked. He shrugged.
"When I feel I'm ready," was all he replied.
"Godspeed," Wesley said, walking towards him. They shook hands, then embraced for just a moment. Cordelia walked up and hugged him too.
"Come back in one piece," she whispered. He stroked her hair and nodded.
"Of course," he told her.
"I still say you should go to Vegas man - just get drunk, get some strippers, and gamble all night," Gunn told him, shaking his hand. "Always worked for me."
Angel smiled. "I'll keep that in mind." He walked past them, towards the door that led into the basement and then the sewers. He paused at the door, knowing that if he looked back he'd never leave. His resolve set, he opened the door and disappeared.