Title: Take A Look In The Mirror
Rating: PG-13 (robotic violence, suicide, self-mutilation, some profanity)
Summary: Exactly 18 years after a terrible accident occurs in Cyberspace, the Cybersquad reflect on the events on that day and the years afterwards...
TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR
By Final Fantasy
Chapter 1: Disconnected
I stared at my reflection in the cracked mirror lying on the dirty carpet of the room, unable to connect with what had happened 18 years ago. There was no words to explain how I felt, no way to express... except for one.
I turned away from the mirror I had thrown in frustration on the floor, treading on some loose shards as I went. The sharp pieces pricked into my bare feet, almost drawing blood, but I barely flinched. It was nothing compared to what I was about to do.
Walking over to a scratched set of drawers, I pulled one open with a quick flick of my wrist and began rummaging through the contents. My red fringe strove to cover my vision, but I brushed it away and continued looking. At last, I found what I was seeking and drew it out, taking pleasure in seeing the cold beauty of the object.
It was a knife, black leather binding the handle. Though the blade was chipped, I knew it was still sharp. I knew. Pulling up the sleeves of my black jacket, I studied my wrist and forearm with a steady gaze. What was etched there would have made anyone wince....anyone but me. Long, deep cuts had been inflicted there, there on the inside of my forearm. I know what you're thinking. No, I never slit my actual wrist. That would mean death, and I don't want death just yet.
It was the only way I could have release from the pain, the fear and knowledge that I killed her. The only way. Taking in a breath, and slumping onto the unmade bed, I ran the knife blade down the middle of my forearm, next to the other scars. Blood beaded at the edges, even spilled over to trickle down my arm, but I felt no pain. To me, it was a little release of the impending flood. Sighing, and wiping the blade clean on the bed sheets, I placed the knife back in the drawer and proceeded to pull on a pair of shoes.
Once outside, I surveyed the cold winter landscape, there in the streets of the place where I live. Grass was edged in silver ice; the sidewalk was slippery and covered in snow. Trees were frosted. Like my heart. Like my soul...
A couple of children skipped past me as I walked down the street, laughing happily in the winter world. I barely noticed the laughter. Nothing happy got to me ever since that terrible day. It was exactly 18 years ago. Exactly. Every year I had mourned, but this year the pain seemed more intense than ever. The pain had never gone away. And it never would.... not entirely, anyway. I had been only eleven when it happened, and now I was twenty-nine. Where had the time gone? Life was passing me by, and I could only clutch desperately at its swift beauty. Not that I wanted to clutch at it.
I never denied that fact. The fact I am talking about is that event, when I was eleven. I killed one of my best friends...no, wait. My lover. Jackie.
Her name still hurt to say after all these years. We always thought about each other in that special way, but never admitted it until that fateful day. Why was young love so forbidden?! Why did it have to be taken away from us so soon?!
I never loved again. It's as if someone locked it away in my heart, along with my happy emotions, and threw away the key. And it wasn't just Jackie. My other best friend from Earth died with her. She was only nine, for God's sake. She was so young...so young. Yet when she was alive, she seemed older than what she truly was. She was so smart; it was part of her personality.
I still can't admit it to myself, what Inez did when she saw Jackie die. I won't say it now, probably won't ever say it. It'll be up to someone else to tell you.
The age of the Cybersquad ended that day, too. There was no need to go into Cyberspace anymore, as I was the only member from earth left. Oh, I could have helped. But I didn't want to. If I did, it would bring back painful memories, that would torment me every second I spent there. Not that I'm already tormented.
Continuing on my way down the street, I reminisced about Cyberspace. God, how I loved that place. I still do love it. But I also hate it, hate it with every fibre of my being. It caused the pain that resides in me now. It caused the death of my lover and friend. People who had been close to me had died, thanks to that fucking place.
I came to a small park, with a pond that was frozen over. Oh yes, it was a winter wonderland. But it was not something I marveled at. Right next to the pond sat a park bench, and as I lowered myself down on it, I could feel the icy coldness of the wood biting into my skin. It should have hurt, but it didn't. Maybe I was impervious to physical pain. It was just mental pain that ate at my soul with awful accuracy.
Taking in a breath, and letting out slowly, I decided that enough was enough. It was time to relive the past, to show you why I had killed Jackie. How I had killed Jackie...
Putting my face in my hands, and closing my eyes, I gripped my red hair with white hands and began to enter a flashback...
...FLASHBACK...
The Cybersquad found themselves underground, where Hacker's torture chamber was located. It was where he found out information on cybersites to use against them...however; it was a sick, twisted man who was behind the events. The things done to the people in there were horrific, and to witness it was to be the person being tortured.
As the trio crept past the cellblock, they looked inside each of them, eyes ever searching the darkest sections. Why were they here, in this place that stank of death and fear and pain? Of blood and bone? To find their friend, who had been taken into the depths of this Hell on Earth...one who did not deserve to be there.
I stepped quietly past another cell, where a thin, white-skinned woman stared hopelessly through the bars. Her eyes, those beautiful eyes, cried out to me, but I resisted. I could not help. I could never help. My friend was further on...further on...and if I could not help her...?
Oh, I was angry. Very angry. Hacker had sunk to a new low...I could actually feel myself shaking with half-fear, half-rage as I continued, into the torture chambers. Occasionally, high, piercing screams would issue from within, making the hair on my neck stand up with the eerie sound. Shouts echoed through the stone hallway, hysterical with pain and fear. Fear of death.
I halted suddenly, Inez knocking slightly into me, and Digit into her. "Quiet..." I whispered, my voice raspy, my lips cracked and dry. 'Listen." It was one particular set of shouts...of screams...that I took in. They were familiar to me, and by that I knew.
"It's coming from there. She's in there!" I pointed at a door slightly to our left, and turned to face the other two, eyes wild, heart beating madly beneath my ribcage. Was it trying to escape from its prison of bone? Was it pumping fit to burst? Ignoring my frightened heart, I faced the door again. "I've had enough of this sneaking around. I'm going in there."
Inez grabbed my arm, her steady gaze holding my unstable one. "You can't do it alone." Her voice was steel-edged, hard as diamonds. Wrenching the appendage out of her grasp, I began to walk towards the metal-studded door. "I don't care." The words were thrown over my shoulder like a discarded piece of garbage. I never heard her angry reply.
Bursting through the door as if it were made like a regular household one rather than a heavy hardwood entrance, I was horrified at what I saw. Jackie – for she was the one that was captured - was strapped to a metal surgeon's table, set up on a flight of steps in the middle of the room. Many wounds made in her arms, legs and body...some were festering, infected, and it was no wonder, considering the state of this hellhole. The beautiful girl's eyes were closed, and the hand I could see was clenched, most likely in pain...her face was set, expression blank as an empty sheet of paper.
"Ah, at last you come." Through a haze of shock and rage, I finally registered a voice echoing from a shadowed corner. It was a very familiar voice – evil, black as the darkest night, cold as the coldest moon. I was so angry, so very angry, that I could barely stand to hear it. Clutching my hands to my head, I shouted, through tightly clenched teeth, "Come here, Hacker. Come here and say that."
The green cyborg revealed himself, stepping out from the shadows with a swish of cape and tap of boot. "It is unfortunate," he smirked, striding ever closer. "I had hoped there would at least be a chase...but look." He gestured behind me, and I realized, at last, that Inez and Digit had followed me in.
"Why have you done this to her?" I asked, glaring at him through my red fringe. Annoyed, I shook my head, clearing my vision. From the expression in Hacker's eyes, I could see that he read my stare as easily as you would a book. I could see the fear in his eyes, and I reveled in it!
"Well?" Unconsciously, my voice grew louder as I pressed the question on him.
"I needed at least one of you," the cyborg finally answered. "Someone to get information off...to tell me about your world, and what makes you humans so hard to defeat!" He grinned suddenly, maliciously, coming to a stop directly in front of me, looking down at me. "Things are about to change, my dear boy."
I pushed my face up to his, mad with anger. He could see it in my eyes...I could see the fear in his, stronger than before. The stench of fear rose up around me, and I drank it in like you would breathe the air. "Don't ever call me that," I choked through my anger. "Ever."
We were interrupted by a soft moan coming from the metal table. "Jackie!" My eyes slid past Hacker, and I ran up the steps to her side, placing a trembling hand on her forehead. Her eyes fluttered open, and she stared up at me, stare unrecognizing. I took my hand off her forehead and placed both on her shoulders, shaking her gently. 'Jackie!" She closed her eyes again. "Jax!" My voice was coming close to breaking. When I called her name a third time, the African-American opened her eyes again, and then seemed to register who I was. "Matt?" Her voice was weak; I could barely hear it. Sliding my hand once more to her forehead again, I could feel incredible heat emanating from her. She was running a high fever...
"Matt?" This time her voice was stronger, and she looked as if she was about to say something else, but then a strong, vice-like hand clamped upon my shoulder. "Enough of this." Three guesses who it was.
I threw his hand off my shoulder, cringing at the touch. "Get off me." My voice was filled with hatred. But nothing I ever said would be able to describe the hatred I felt for the disgusting creature.
"I've already got your friends, and unless you want them to come to harm before due, I suggest you surrender now." Hacker hissed this at me, moving in an attempt to grip me again. I dodged, and directed my gaze over to where Inez and Digit were standing. However, this time they were not alone. Buzz held Digit; Delete held Inez. But the taller android had a look of great discomfort on his face; every time Inez moved, he would flinch, a look of great pain as his expression. Who knew what was wrong with him? Who cared...? Still, I wondered, my mind drifting for a few seconds.
Turning my gaze back to Jackie, I could see that she was jerking in pain...in a flash I knew that Hacker had stabbed her. An unadorned handle protruded from her chest; her eyes were wide open, yet she made no sound. Lips slightly parted, she held her chest with both hands and weakly fell still, blood spilling to the floor in deep red pools. And it was all my fault, for letting my mind wander while he murdered her...
"YOU BASTARD!" I roared, darting up the steps once more, and flinging myself on Jackie. She looked over at me. "Pull it out." Her voice was strong, and rang around the stonewalled room. I shook my head. "But I –"
"PULL IT OUT!" It was a command, something I couldn't ignore. Taking a deep breath, I gripped the knife handle with sweaty palms, and yanked it out of her chest, wincing as it grated against bone on its exit from the ribcage. It came up through flesh and muscle, and as I pulled it out with a grunt, a spray of blood hit me full in the face. It trickled down my cheek, making me retch and wipe it away with a dirty hand.
Jackie stared upwards, at my face...her expression was now one of peace. "Thank you..." she whispered softly. Then – "Come closer..." I leaned forwards, hardly daring to breathe, not daring to speak. "Closer..."
As I came right next to her mouth, I could hear her breathing, sounding like she was trying to breathe through a straw. It was strained, faint...and growing weaker by the second. "What is it?" I questioned, as beneath my hand the blood continued to flow.
"I...love you...Matt..." There was a gasp. Then she was silent. I could no longer hear her breathing. Behind me, I was terribly aware of Hacker sneering at me, feel the shocked stares of Delete, Inez, Buzz and Digit on my back. And still, there was silence. Then, at long last, it dawned on me. Jackie had spoken her last words, had parted from this world.
She was dead.
With no attempt to wipe away the tears that were streaming down my face, I lowered my mouth to hers and gave her one soft, passionate kiss as my last gift to her. "I love you, too..." I whispered to her, so quietly that only I could hear. Then I was consumed by the rage that had been eating at me ever since I heard of her capture, and closed my eyes and wept.
...END FLASHBACK...
"No..." The words I breathed were exhaled in a puff of frosted air. Through my fingers, I could see the winter world once more...it was icy and cold, yet as beautiful and proud as a goddess. Yet why should I revel in this beauty?
Resuming an upright position, I stiffly drew back my sleeve and surveyed my arm. It was scored with the marks of my pain; I would never have release. I accepted that. It was a part of me, something I couldn't get rid of.
I only continued to live because Jackie would have wanted to. To waste a life because hers had ended was not the way. It was never the way. For though I had failed to prevent her death, it wasn't right to cause mine.
Pulling down my black sleeve again, I started to walk down the street once more, a cold smile on my face as I noticed a couple of winter rays coming out from underneath the clouds. For though it was not right to love again, it was to smile.
With that expression still remaining, I slowly made my way down the wintry street, out of sight.
Rating: PG-13 (robotic violence, suicide, self-mutilation, some profanity)
Summary: Exactly 18 years after a terrible accident occurs in Cyberspace, the Cybersquad reflect on the events on that day and the years afterwards...
TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR
By Final Fantasy
Chapter 1: Disconnected
I stared at my reflection in the cracked mirror lying on the dirty carpet of the room, unable to connect with what had happened 18 years ago. There was no words to explain how I felt, no way to express... except for one.
I turned away from the mirror I had thrown in frustration on the floor, treading on some loose shards as I went. The sharp pieces pricked into my bare feet, almost drawing blood, but I barely flinched. It was nothing compared to what I was about to do.
Walking over to a scratched set of drawers, I pulled one open with a quick flick of my wrist and began rummaging through the contents. My red fringe strove to cover my vision, but I brushed it away and continued looking. At last, I found what I was seeking and drew it out, taking pleasure in seeing the cold beauty of the object.
It was a knife, black leather binding the handle. Though the blade was chipped, I knew it was still sharp. I knew. Pulling up the sleeves of my black jacket, I studied my wrist and forearm with a steady gaze. What was etched there would have made anyone wince....anyone but me. Long, deep cuts had been inflicted there, there on the inside of my forearm. I know what you're thinking. No, I never slit my actual wrist. That would mean death, and I don't want death just yet.
It was the only way I could have release from the pain, the fear and knowledge that I killed her. The only way. Taking in a breath, and slumping onto the unmade bed, I ran the knife blade down the middle of my forearm, next to the other scars. Blood beaded at the edges, even spilled over to trickle down my arm, but I felt no pain. To me, it was a little release of the impending flood. Sighing, and wiping the blade clean on the bed sheets, I placed the knife back in the drawer and proceeded to pull on a pair of shoes.
Once outside, I surveyed the cold winter landscape, there in the streets of the place where I live. Grass was edged in silver ice; the sidewalk was slippery and covered in snow. Trees were frosted. Like my heart. Like my soul...
A couple of children skipped past me as I walked down the street, laughing happily in the winter world. I barely noticed the laughter. Nothing happy got to me ever since that terrible day. It was exactly 18 years ago. Exactly. Every year I had mourned, but this year the pain seemed more intense than ever. The pain had never gone away. And it never would.... not entirely, anyway. I had been only eleven when it happened, and now I was twenty-nine. Where had the time gone? Life was passing me by, and I could only clutch desperately at its swift beauty. Not that I wanted to clutch at it.
I never denied that fact. The fact I am talking about is that event, when I was eleven. I killed one of my best friends...no, wait. My lover. Jackie.
Her name still hurt to say after all these years. We always thought about each other in that special way, but never admitted it until that fateful day. Why was young love so forbidden?! Why did it have to be taken away from us so soon?!
I never loved again. It's as if someone locked it away in my heart, along with my happy emotions, and threw away the key. And it wasn't just Jackie. My other best friend from Earth died with her. She was only nine, for God's sake. She was so young...so young. Yet when she was alive, she seemed older than what she truly was. She was so smart; it was part of her personality.
I still can't admit it to myself, what Inez did when she saw Jackie die. I won't say it now, probably won't ever say it. It'll be up to someone else to tell you.
The age of the Cybersquad ended that day, too. There was no need to go into Cyberspace anymore, as I was the only member from earth left. Oh, I could have helped. But I didn't want to. If I did, it would bring back painful memories, that would torment me every second I spent there. Not that I'm already tormented.
Continuing on my way down the street, I reminisced about Cyberspace. God, how I loved that place. I still do love it. But I also hate it, hate it with every fibre of my being. It caused the pain that resides in me now. It caused the death of my lover and friend. People who had been close to me had died, thanks to that fucking place.
I came to a small park, with a pond that was frozen over. Oh yes, it was a winter wonderland. But it was not something I marveled at. Right next to the pond sat a park bench, and as I lowered myself down on it, I could feel the icy coldness of the wood biting into my skin. It should have hurt, but it didn't. Maybe I was impervious to physical pain. It was just mental pain that ate at my soul with awful accuracy.
Taking in a breath, and letting out slowly, I decided that enough was enough. It was time to relive the past, to show you why I had killed Jackie. How I had killed Jackie...
Putting my face in my hands, and closing my eyes, I gripped my red hair with white hands and began to enter a flashback...
...FLASHBACK...
The Cybersquad found themselves underground, where Hacker's torture chamber was located. It was where he found out information on cybersites to use against them...however; it was a sick, twisted man who was behind the events. The things done to the people in there were horrific, and to witness it was to be the person being tortured.
As the trio crept past the cellblock, they looked inside each of them, eyes ever searching the darkest sections. Why were they here, in this place that stank of death and fear and pain? Of blood and bone? To find their friend, who had been taken into the depths of this Hell on Earth...one who did not deserve to be there.
I stepped quietly past another cell, where a thin, white-skinned woman stared hopelessly through the bars. Her eyes, those beautiful eyes, cried out to me, but I resisted. I could not help. I could never help. My friend was further on...further on...and if I could not help her...?
Oh, I was angry. Very angry. Hacker had sunk to a new low...I could actually feel myself shaking with half-fear, half-rage as I continued, into the torture chambers. Occasionally, high, piercing screams would issue from within, making the hair on my neck stand up with the eerie sound. Shouts echoed through the stone hallway, hysterical with pain and fear. Fear of death.
I halted suddenly, Inez knocking slightly into me, and Digit into her. "Quiet..." I whispered, my voice raspy, my lips cracked and dry. 'Listen." It was one particular set of shouts...of screams...that I took in. They were familiar to me, and by that I knew.
"It's coming from there. She's in there!" I pointed at a door slightly to our left, and turned to face the other two, eyes wild, heart beating madly beneath my ribcage. Was it trying to escape from its prison of bone? Was it pumping fit to burst? Ignoring my frightened heart, I faced the door again. "I've had enough of this sneaking around. I'm going in there."
Inez grabbed my arm, her steady gaze holding my unstable one. "You can't do it alone." Her voice was steel-edged, hard as diamonds. Wrenching the appendage out of her grasp, I began to walk towards the metal-studded door. "I don't care." The words were thrown over my shoulder like a discarded piece of garbage. I never heard her angry reply.
Bursting through the door as if it were made like a regular household one rather than a heavy hardwood entrance, I was horrified at what I saw. Jackie – for she was the one that was captured - was strapped to a metal surgeon's table, set up on a flight of steps in the middle of the room. Many wounds made in her arms, legs and body...some were festering, infected, and it was no wonder, considering the state of this hellhole. The beautiful girl's eyes were closed, and the hand I could see was clenched, most likely in pain...her face was set, expression blank as an empty sheet of paper.
"Ah, at last you come." Through a haze of shock and rage, I finally registered a voice echoing from a shadowed corner. It was a very familiar voice – evil, black as the darkest night, cold as the coldest moon. I was so angry, so very angry, that I could barely stand to hear it. Clutching my hands to my head, I shouted, through tightly clenched teeth, "Come here, Hacker. Come here and say that."
The green cyborg revealed himself, stepping out from the shadows with a swish of cape and tap of boot. "It is unfortunate," he smirked, striding ever closer. "I had hoped there would at least be a chase...but look." He gestured behind me, and I realized, at last, that Inez and Digit had followed me in.
"Why have you done this to her?" I asked, glaring at him through my red fringe. Annoyed, I shook my head, clearing my vision. From the expression in Hacker's eyes, I could see that he read my stare as easily as you would a book. I could see the fear in his eyes, and I reveled in it!
"Well?" Unconsciously, my voice grew louder as I pressed the question on him.
"I needed at least one of you," the cyborg finally answered. "Someone to get information off...to tell me about your world, and what makes you humans so hard to defeat!" He grinned suddenly, maliciously, coming to a stop directly in front of me, looking down at me. "Things are about to change, my dear boy."
I pushed my face up to his, mad with anger. He could see it in my eyes...I could see the fear in his, stronger than before. The stench of fear rose up around me, and I drank it in like you would breathe the air. "Don't ever call me that," I choked through my anger. "Ever."
We were interrupted by a soft moan coming from the metal table. "Jackie!" My eyes slid past Hacker, and I ran up the steps to her side, placing a trembling hand on her forehead. Her eyes fluttered open, and she stared up at me, stare unrecognizing. I took my hand off her forehead and placed both on her shoulders, shaking her gently. 'Jackie!" She closed her eyes again. "Jax!" My voice was coming close to breaking. When I called her name a third time, the African-American opened her eyes again, and then seemed to register who I was. "Matt?" Her voice was weak; I could barely hear it. Sliding my hand once more to her forehead again, I could feel incredible heat emanating from her. She was running a high fever...
"Matt?" This time her voice was stronger, and she looked as if she was about to say something else, but then a strong, vice-like hand clamped upon my shoulder. "Enough of this." Three guesses who it was.
I threw his hand off my shoulder, cringing at the touch. "Get off me." My voice was filled with hatred. But nothing I ever said would be able to describe the hatred I felt for the disgusting creature.
"I've already got your friends, and unless you want them to come to harm before due, I suggest you surrender now." Hacker hissed this at me, moving in an attempt to grip me again. I dodged, and directed my gaze over to where Inez and Digit were standing. However, this time they were not alone. Buzz held Digit; Delete held Inez. But the taller android had a look of great discomfort on his face; every time Inez moved, he would flinch, a look of great pain as his expression. Who knew what was wrong with him? Who cared...? Still, I wondered, my mind drifting for a few seconds.
Turning my gaze back to Jackie, I could see that she was jerking in pain...in a flash I knew that Hacker had stabbed her. An unadorned handle protruded from her chest; her eyes were wide open, yet she made no sound. Lips slightly parted, she held her chest with both hands and weakly fell still, blood spilling to the floor in deep red pools. And it was all my fault, for letting my mind wander while he murdered her...
"YOU BASTARD!" I roared, darting up the steps once more, and flinging myself on Jackie. She looked over at me. "Pull it out." Her voice was strong, and rang around the stonewalled room. I shook my head. "But I –"
"PULL IT OUT!" It was a command, something I couldn't ignore. Taking a deep breath, I gripped the knife handle with sweaty palms, and yanked it out of her chest, wincing as it grated against bone on its exit from the ribcage. It came up through flesh and muscle, and as I pulled it out with a grunt, a spray of blood hit me full in the face. It trickled down my cheek, making me retch and wipe it away with a dirty hand.
Jackie stared upwards, at my face...her expression was now one of peace. "Thank you..." she whispered softly. Then – "Come closer..." I leaned forwards, hardly daring to breathe, not daring to speak. "Closer..."
As I came right next to her mouth, I could hear her breathing, sounding like she was trying to breathe through a straw. It was strained, faint...and growing weaker by the second. "What is it?" I questioned, as beneath my hand the blood continued to flow.
"I...love you...Matt..." There was a gasp. Then she was silent. I could no longer hear her breathing. Behind me, I was terribly aware of Hacker sneering at me, feel the shocked stares of Delete, Inez, Buzz and Digit on my back. And still, there was silence. Then, at long last, it dawned on me. Jackie had spoken her last words, had parted from this world.
She was dead.
With no attempt to wipe away the tears that were streaming down my face, I lowered my mouth to hers and gave her one soft, passionate kiss as my last gift to her. "I love you, too..." I whispered to her, so quietly that only I could hear. Then I was consumed by the rage that had been eating at me ever since I heard of her capture, and closed my eyes and wept.
...END FLASHBACK...
"No..." The words I breathed were exhaled in a puff of frosted air. Through my fingers, I could see the winter world once more...it was icy and cold, yet as beautiful and proud as a goddess. Yet why should I revel in this beauty?
Resuming an upright position, I stiffly drew back my sleeve and surveyed my arm. It was scored with the marks of my pain; I would never have release. I accepted that. It was a part of me, something I couldn't get rid of.
I only continued to live because Jackie would have wanted to. To waste a life because hers had ended was not the way. It was never the way. For though I had failed to prevent her death, it wasn't right to cause mine.
Pulling down my black sleeve again, I started to walk down the street once more, a cold smile on my face as I noticed a couple of winter rays coming out from underneath the clouds. For though it was not right to love again, it was to smile.
With that expression still remaining, I slowly made my way down the wintry street, out of sight.