A/N: Yes, I've seen this done several times. But I decided to have my own take. I'm not even sure this is funny: but just bear with me. Also, if you feel like I'm bashing your phanfic, please don't think it's the case. I'm just pointing out some clichés that come back a bit too often in phanfiction in general. See it more as a "What Not to Do" thing. It might just help. ;) I show here my phanfic peeves at the same time. ;)

This story is rating T for some language, and content. It won't be too bad though to deserve an M rating. I think.

The one and only disclaimer: I do not own Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera nor Love Never Dies. Anything coming from Gaston Leroux's Fantôme de l'Opéra belongs to the public domain.

Chapter 1

Where Christine realizes quite suddenly her one true love is Erik, and Raoul goes psycho.

Or to phrase shortly: The Ultimate Raoul-bashing

Christine started to sing (as if it was perfectly normal to just sing like that, especially in such a dramatic situation, we're in a freaking musical, anyway, and omgz, the authoress's like too lazy to put it in real dialog.):

"Pitiful creature of darkness,

What kind of life have you known?

God give me courage to show you,

You are not alone!"

Christine soared towards Erik, her white wedding dress spreading around her in the water, her chocolate eyes so wide she truly looked like an angel.

And she smooched Erik. Hard. For five, long minutes that seemed like forever. Hollywood-fashion, kinda.

It felt good. Erik was such a good kisser, even if he never kissed anyone in his entire life! Well, poo, he's dah king of sex-appeal, after all!

She finally pulled off, but with regret. Oh gawd, she never felt so satisfied! Her hormones just spread all around like wow! She knew that her Angel was her one true love.

But Erik, being an emo, told Christine and Roul/Raul/Rool/Roual/Roaul/Roal/Rawl/Ginobilli/whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is to leave, because he felt totally unsafe because he forgot to take his chill pills again and didn't want to condemn Christine to stay with him in the darkness forever and ever and ever and ever, because she was way too pretty and peachy and perfect, and he had so tragically forgotten in his despairingly awful despair he had just bought a nice cottage for them both somewhere in the country.

"GO NOW AND LEAVE ME!" He cried so tragically and so sexily Christine wanted to go back to him and hug him and stay with him forever and ever and ever and ever.

But /Raul/Rool/Roual/Roaul/Roal/Rawl/Ginobilli (A/N: okay, I'm tired of this guyz, I'll just call him the fop. What's a fop anyway?) was whimpering like a total bitch, and Christine, since she's such an angel and had the biggest heart in the whole wide ginormous world, went to untie him. "He should calm down," she thought. "My Angel was only trying to strangle him!"

And suddenly, the fop, since he was also some sort of supervillain (A/N: Oh no! I said a spoiler!), showed some inhuman strength and dragged Christine away from Erik's lair, leaving poor Phantom to whimper all alone and singing some Greenday song to cheer himself up.

Christine and the fop got married the next day, since you could get weddings prepared in a flash back then. Christine cried, but oh so prettily, wanting to be back with her Angel but, being a helpless damsel in distress not able to take care of herself for three fucking seconds of her fucking life, she just hoped that Erik would come in and swoop her away.

But he didn't.

Erik was still busy singing I Dreamed a Dream.

It was then that Christine saw that the fop was totally evil. He would wear pink ribbons in his hair, force Christine to comb his hair when he woke up, after breakfast, lunch and dinner, and before going to sleep, force her to listen to Miley Cyrus on repeat, make nice old ladies trip, torture innocent baby opossums, play Barbie Dream House, forbid Christine from watching Game of Thrones, Doctor Who and Breaking Bad, make himself a big giganto glass of vodka, rhum, wine, beer, champagne, booze oil, and other stuff like that, and being drunk and vomiting everywhere (and of course, it was Christine who had to clean it up, since the servants had magically disappeared when such a thing happened, and oh, she did it while sighing, singing Taylor Swift/Adele songs and crying ever so prettily while she was thinking of her Erik and more especially his muscles), force Christine to wear the same color as he wore to match with him (and that was pink most of the time), bang Cosette Fauchelevent and a bunch of other bitches everyone hates for like no reason at all, make Christine clean his socks with her tongue and eat only his toenails, and most especially, he would not allow her to sing, because he was very, very jealous. He was afraid that the Phantom had a Christine-radar or something working thanks to her singing and would hear her singing at a ten-kilometer distance and take her away.

It was one night the fop was so drunk he raped Christine that she (FINALLY) decided she had enough. She ran away, despite the evil, big, fat bodyguards that were chasing her everywhere. One finally caught her, and was just about to abuse of her, but Erik magically swooped in and saved her by Punjabing the ruffian. Christine starred lovingly at Erik as he killed the bodyguard, his eyes literally popping out and his skin getting all purple then grey.

"Oh, Angel!" she cried. She swooned in his arms, vomited because of all the extra emotion (and of course, Erik didn't freak out. He just found it totally adorable) and fainted, the feeling of his muscles being a bit too much for her to bear.

Erik swooped her away to his lair, and placed her lovingly in his bird bed. She suddenly woke up, and ripped his mask off.

"You BEEP you just BEEPING ripped my BEEPING mask!"

But Christine just stared at him with loving eyes.

"You are the most handsome dude I've ever seen, Angel. Don't ever, ever say you're ugly again, because you're not. Anyway, you're either Gerard Butler or Ramin Karimloo, so you can't be ugly."

(Insert here nice Disney song about looking with your heart and inner beauty and other shit like that.)

"And of course," Christine continued, "I like totally forgot about the fact you constantly lied to me and said you were my dad or my Angel of Music. I have to forget that, because you saying you were my dad is actually kind of gross, but anyway. Everything's okay, because you loved me so much, and stalking is romantic. Edward Cullen did that with Bella, in Twilight, and I found it so cute."

Erik looked at her very intensly, with a big emo, sexy, gaze.

"Really? But I'm a monster! I killed Buquet and Piangi!"

"Oh, I know it was an accident for Piangi. You would never hurt a fly! And Buquet tried to rape me anyway. That's why you killed him!"

"Oh yeah!" Erik said. "I like totally forgot."

Christine smiled and leaned towards him and gave him a big damn ten-minute-length-kiss. And…

(Insert here sex-scene, regardless of Christine having been only recently raped by Raoul and therefore probably experiencing some trauma after that, but I guess that since she's with her soulmate, it doesn't count.)

"Oh babay girl," Erik said after their very hot and totally awesome sex scene, "I love you so much."

"I love you even more, honeymuffin."

"I love you most."

"Oh but I love you more than…"

And from that day, Erik and Christine spent all their time playing music, eating, playing music, sleeping, playing music, having sex, playing music, eating waffles with Nutella, since Erik was so awesome he had electricity down in his lair (well, actually, his sexiness made the electricity work. Kinda like his sexiness lit up the candles popping out of the water), and playing music. And of course, Christine was totally okay with living underground. She found it totally awesome.

But the Evil Fop wasn't too far away. Thanks to his superpowers and his secret Barbie army, he knew that Christine had gone back to Erik. Well, d'huh with that. He went back to the lair, to get Christine back. And he had a big bazooka so he could be taken a bit more seriously despite his foppy hair.

"YOU MONSTER!" he yelled when he arrived. "GIVE MAH CHICK BACK TO ME!"

"NEVER!" Erik yelled back, his Punjab lasso in one hand and his sword in the other.

But suddenly, the fop shooted.

Erik got touched.

Christine screamed.

The fop gloated. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOW CHRISTINE IS MINE! ALL MINE!"

But then Christine, not knowing what to do, fell on her knees and starting praying her Daddy very very fucking hard.

And God and all the Angels, seeing her weep so prettily, with her eyes that looked like a calf's but that were so pretty you didn't mind in the end, decided to intervene. And so, the doors of Hell opened, and the Evil Fop fell in it.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! I'M TOO PRETTY TO GO TO HELL! I'LL BE GOOOOOOOOOD!" he whimpered like a spoiled kid.

"Hurray!" Christine cried. But then, she saw how severely wounded Erik was, and so, she rushed to him, vomited as she saw that she could see his guts, and, since she had gained super strength or something, she put him in the bed, bandaged his wound, cried prettily again, and fell asleep.

The next day, Erik felt all better, but it still hurt a lot. He saw that Christine was asleep, so he took morphine to calm the pain down. Of course, Erik taking drugs is totally okay: he's a tortured misunderstood character, after all.

But Christine woke up, saw Erik totally passed out and crazy and dancing around with the doll of herself (yeah, she couldn't convince him of getting rid of it. In the end, she found it even kinda cute). And she found the needle.

She threw it away, and when Erik was back to normal, she cried and told him to never take drugs again. Erik promised, but then he went to a big fever since he was experiencing withdrawal symptoms, but Christine just gave him stew and lots of Nutella (because Nutella always works) and he felt all better.

Erik and Christine, after that, since Raoul was gone, lived happily ever after. They had quadruplets they called Angelique, Belle, Faust and Don Juan. The Fop came back from Hell, since in the end the authoress think it wasn't really realistic after all that he just went there, and he just changed his mind about Christine because he fell across Meg and instantly fell in love with her since she was pretty much the only chick left around anyway and Mme Giry being a bit too old and way too smart and awesome for him. Though, now that the authoress thinks of it, Raoul and Carlotta would have been a good match.

So Erik, Christine, their kids and their dozen kittens lived happily ever after, never arguing and stuff, all peacefully, except maybe that time where Erik punjabed Faust because it was the third time he was interrupting Erik while he was composing. But Christine forgave him because

Love Never Dies.

The End.

A/N: As I said, I'm not even sure this really is funny. So leave a review, good or bad. It'll just encourage me to continue… or convince me to stop and make me try to get my dignity back.

So if there is a next time, I announce it will be: Erik paired with the Cinderella girl.