This is a… "parody" two of my best friends, MT and Gina wrote during study hall. They read my songfic, and thought it was missing something. So they spiced it up. Lol just read it! (none of us own anything in this story so don't try and sue us.)
A Breath Away: What REALLY Happened
He was laying on the riverbank, in the calming stillness of the night. He was feeling kind of horny, being that his only love had died and…. Well he hadn't gotten to do her yet!
He lay in the grass, the flowers touched him and he shouted, "I know I'm dead sexy, but that's no reason to rape me!" Then he heard the wind blow and the river flowing, and heard her voice. He screamed "AHH! I'm hearing voices!!!" And he ran out of the field, shouting "HERMIONE, SAVE ME!! I'M GOING SCHITZOPHRENIC!!!"
This next paragraph had nothing funny in it…so…Moving on!
Ron's having a flashback! *Dun dun dunnnnnn* Yes, Hermione's sweet 16 party..oh yeah, it was sweet all right, if you know what I mean. Ron finally asked her out! Even though everyone knew they wanted to do…I mean, wanted to date each other.
Ron turned in his sleep…he felt a flower petal brush his lips. He bolted up and yelled "YOU FLOWERS JUST CAN'T STAY OFF ME CAN YOU?!?!?!" And then he remembered the day Voldemort decided he was gonna frickin blow the place up. He and Hermione were so close to getting it on "Stupid butt Voldemort, I'll get him for that one," he thought.
That day…he and Hermione were sharing a kiss…ewww…much tongue too….and then Voldemort came and was like "DIE you stupid yellow bas***s!" Him and his fellow "Death Eaters"… Hold up…you can't eat death. Dude, that's really retarded. Ok back to the story. No hold up again, this is the last time, I swear! Let's replace the word wand with the word wang!!!! Ok so the Death Eaters were pointing their *wangs* at every thing they could and then their *wangs* broke so they decided just to spank anything and everything. And right on cue, the wizards of the Order come to blow the crap our of the "eaters of death."
It sucked balls for both sides. Engaged in *wang to wang combat* good guys and naughty guys dropped like Michael Jackson and little boys pants. The Order was like "SHIT WITH THIS, IM RETREATING" But the love birds didn't see pothead…I mean Potter and Voldemort anywhere. Till Harry emerged from a gangster filled alley. "I gave Voldemort a pot so he's like…stoned… but I need Hermione's *wang*" Then Ron yelled "WHAT?" Then Harry said "Oops, I meant wand, to finally kick Voldemort's arse!" So they went in the gangster filled alley but no sign of that fruitcake of a pansy anywhere.
Out of nowhere, Voldemort tried to take Hermione to the shadows to *you know what*. But he didn't grab her by the hair like the rapist intended to. He grabbed her by the neck and strangled the greasy poop out of her. Harry tried to get Voldemort to smoke some pot but he couldn't and then out of nowhere, Voldemort saw some hoes and chased after them, leaving Hermione to drop to the ground. Ron ran to her and yelled "BLIMEY" then Hermione looked at him and said "Ron, with these last few breaths…I need to tell you something…I've been hitting it off with Draco for the past two months…" And then she died. At this Ron cried "I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT ONE DRACO YOU STUPID PANSY!"
And then he woke up from the flash back thingy and…he started to laugh and then…he started to sing. "I'm too sexy for the flowers, too sexy for Hermione, too sexy for Voldemort, but not sexy enough for Harry!"