A/N: I was feeling sad about Robin Hood rumors and this sort of flowed out of me. Robin's a part of this fic in memory only. I should have finished it with Dragon Queen porn and made us all happy but...oh well! Enjoy.
She's fine.
That is how she chooses to respond to the sympathy, the words of love directed at her, the pitying looks that she despises.
She's just fine.
She was an idiot and got her heart broken again, because she had dared to forget that hers was not a life of love, of closeness, of happiness. She was made for a life of pain, she had embraced that far too early in her young life, inflicting pain on others and committing so many sins that this pain, this unbearable loss she must feel yet again, seems perfectly deserving.
She won't ever hope for happiness again. She'll take the care and yes, the love, of her son, her son, for now. Her son, who has a mother he loves more than her (she won't blame him, Emma is good and sweet and emotionally available, and she is the evil queen, the woman who ripped her own father's heart out, why should he love her at all, after everything?) , but he loves her all the same, and she'll take it, take the comfort his attention gives her, but she'll remember that even this is temporary.
She'll take what he offers her, while she has it. Mostly for his benefit, because he truly seems to care, truly seems to want to make her happy, and she won't deny him the chance to try. But she'll never forget that this is temporary. Soon he will grow up, and move on.
Snow's affections and attentions are less well-received. Snow, who could receive a medal for the person most capable of sharing her feelings with the world, Snow, who still, after all this time, still believes Regina can find happiness, and still believes the world is good and pure and forgiving, Snow, who won't stop visiting her, won't stop asking her if she's ready to talk about it.
"There's nothing to talk about" Regina says flippantly, turning her back as she rearranges some spices in her kitchen, "He's dead. People die. We all have to move on. I've lost before. I can handle this. I am handling it."
"But you're not" Snow chirps, and god damn that woman, she's never giving up, "I know you, Regina, you're not dealing with it at all. Why won't you let us help you?"
"Because I. Don't. Need. It." Regina bit back, angry, losing temporary control of her magic and causing a mirror to crack.
Snow raises and eyebrow skeptically. Regina puffs out a breath of air.
"Look just because I'm handling Robin's death better than you suspected doesn't mean I'm any better at handling being nagged" she defends, motioning to the cracked mirror, "Please leave, Snow. Go back home to your perfect husband. And your perfect children. And your perfect family."
Tears sting at the back of her eyes. No. she won't cry. She won't. Not in front of Snow. That would be…undignified. The worst kind of torture, to break down in front of the woman practically begging to comfort and hold her and eat ice cream while watching Beaches. Not now. Not in front of Snow.
"You're my family" Snow says, and Regina finally focuses her eyes on Snow's face, and god damnit, she's in tears. "You're my family, Regina, and you're hurting so I'm hurting with you. I won't leave you."
Regina is steadfast in her refusal for Snow's help, and eventually Snow leaves for the night. She comes back, often, begging for Regina to let her in, but she tells her, over and over, things are fine.
She's used to losing, by now. She sarcastically apologizes that she isn't the type who needs hugs and time on the couch watching bad movies and reminiscing to get over loss. She is a master at handling it. She can do it her own way.
Snow stops trying fairly soon. But Henry, Henry is still there.
He doesn't ask her to talk, doesn't ask her if she's okay. But he is there, always in the mansion, always asking to do things with her, asking for her to make complicated meals for him – and she knows he asks just so she has something to occupy herself with, just to keep her mind and body working. He asks for help with homework, he asks her to teach him how to sew, at one point, earning a raised eyebrow at the absurdity. But he's trying. He's trying, but she won't be a burden to her son. Eventually he'll convince himself that she's alright. And he'll leave.
She convinces him to spend the night with Emma and Killian in their new place one night, telling him it's not fair to Emma. HE goes reluctantly, calling several times that night "just to talk." But then he's back with stories of how nice the house is, how nice Killian made his room, and he's off to stay another night, until he's once again splitting his nights between Regina and Emma, and he's not calling on the nights when he's out of the house.
And then it's a week and he's spent every night with Emma and Killian.
They're engaged now. There's an engagement party. She's invited, but she won't attend. She'll be gone by then.
She has a purpose. She has one last quest.
After Robin's death, Zelena had fled with the baby, the one thing Robin had begged her to protect at all costs. She had failed him in so many ways, but that particular failure resonated.
Snow and Emma begged her to let them help, formulate a plan, but Regina said there had been enough loss on her account, she won't let them risk their lives, their family anymore. What's done is done. The child's father was gone, and the child was now with the only living parent she had, her mother. It was for the best.
That's what she convinced everyone, anyway.
It hadn't taken her long to track down Zelena. Perhaps it was the sheer drive she had to help that child, or the sheer anger she had at herself for once again getting those she loved hurt and killed, but Regina had no trouble locating Zelena's whereabouts, using the mirror to jump through realms, something she couldn't do before.
Of course she was in Oz, in a lavish palace.
Finding a way to oz took work, but Gold had an item from Oz in his shop, and she was able to fashion a portal using that item.
Everything was ready. She just had to wait until she knew Henry would be alright, that he wouldn't miss her, just to prove to herself he didn't need her anymore.
And on the seventh straight night of him being out of the house, she knew it was time. She took with her the magical cuffs, the cuffs that prevented the flow of magic, and then prepared for her journey.
The portal she created was crude, and jumping through it was harsh, leaving her winded and dizzy. The journey to Zelena's palace was brutal, the sun shining brightly and reflecting off of a city seemingly made entirely our of glass, shining so bright it hurt to look at.
She didn't get far. Guards apprehended her before she had even made it into town, bringing her to Zelena, which is perfect, because that's where she intended to go.
"Hello, sis." Zelena said, "I must say I'm a bit disappointed. I thought you'd have this grand plan to get your lover's child back, this was far too easy. A bit boring."
"I'm offering you a trade." Regina said, ignoring the taunts of her sister.
"And that is?" Zelena asked, "Are you really in the position to be offering trades, anyway? Don't I have you already?"
Regina flicked her hand and the guards who had held her flung to opposite ends of the room, flying on their back.
"I still have my dark magic…and my light." She explained. "We both know I can defeat you. But, I will use these" she pulls out the cuffs, "And you can do whatever you want to me, for as long as you want, until you're bored. Just return the baby to Storybrooke."
Zelena's face went from amused to insulted.
"You're…sacrificing yourself?" she asked "The child is well-cared for by me."
"The child belongs in Storybrooke" Regina presses, "and you're not ready for this. I know you're not."
"You're saying you'd rather die than let me raise my child," Zelena says, shocked, "Not just die, be tortured, by me, what are you so afraid of, what do you worry I will do to this child?"
"I believe you will do what you think is best. And I think it won't be what is best. I know what happens when a mother raises a child to suit her own needs. It's our mother all over again. I can't let you do that to the child. Not to Robin's child."
"I won't give her up." Zelena presses.
"So we fight."
"I have guards, I know this city, fighting me is suicide."
Regina shrugged "Never stopped me before."
She raises her hand, ready to fight, before Zelena stops her. She pauses, her face awash with something… a flicker of…defeat. "I give her to the Charmings. I keep you, I visit the child when I want. We take a blood oath that when I visit, I harm no one, and I do not take the child back with me. But you're mine and you do every last thing I say until you die. You agree?"
Of course she agrees.
"She cries entirely too much, anyway" Zelena mutters, "I don't think she actually loves me. All I wanted was for her to love me and…she…perhaps its Robin's blood, preventing her from doing so."
But there's no use in explaining the ways of an infant to Zelena, not now, so Regina doesn't argue with her.
The use a portal to bring the child back, and with Regina's help they are able to actually put the child in the Charming's loft, which will be quite the surprise when Snow and David wakeup. Attached is a note promising the child will always be safe, and that Zelena is to visit her daughter, but that she will be unable to harm anyone, and unable to take the child.
It's a relief to see Robin's daughter there, for a second, watching through the mirror, before everything goes dark. The cuffs are on her then, and she becomes a servant to the sister who never had a servant before, made to wash her feet, make her bed, cook her food…anything demeaning and insulting Regina is called to do.
"The former queen emptying the chamber pot of her poor, neglected half-sister. Fitting, isn't it? That the sister left behind to be a poor peasant is now the person's shit you clean?"
Regina never answers.
Zelena shares with her images of her family, happy and going on without her. Of Henry, snuggling with Emma, of Robin's baby, now living with Emma, it appears she and Killian have adopted it, and it's not what Regina wanted (she thought she made it clear by bringing the child to the Charming's loft that Snow was to raise her), but she understands. Neal is a lot on his own, it's hard to raise two children.
Zelena mocks her with those images, laughing at the concept they ever cared about her, as they are so easily moving on and enjoying life without her.
She doesn't get it, she may never get it. The images of her family happy without her do not torment her, do not cause her suffering. IT is a great peace, a weight off her shoulders. And she is thankful her sister never took the time to understand Regina's psyche, for those moments where she sees her son with his first girlfriend, or spending time with his grandmother and his mother are the happiest moments she can hope for, and she prays Zelena never catches on to that fact.
Zelena dresses her in rags, forces her to sleep on concrete floors of a dungeon where everything is wet and damp. Her hair is clumped, without a brush to use, and she's filthy, having only dishwasher to use to both bathe herself and wash her single article of clothing, a course, ill-fitting linen dress. She's always cold, so cold. She barely eats, has to be force fed at times, and that's a whole other layer of demeaning, she cannot even starve herself to death.
"Fight back" Zelena mutters one day, under her breath, her eyes pleading at Regina.
Regina doesn't answer.
Three months have gone by when Zelena enters the dungeon. "We're visiting Sara" she says plainly. "You go visit her yourself" Regina mutters, and yes, it's finally what Zelena has hoped for, finally she's speaking, saying something wiht a hint of emotion.
"You're coming with me. You're my slave and you'll do what I say" Zelena reminds her.
Because it's not so much about visiting the child. It's about reminding Regina what she no longer has.
The portal opens, and Regina has never felt more weak, less in control, hates that her son will see her as this, hates that he couldn't focus on the last memory he had of her – of someone strong, resilient. Not the weak, shivering form she's been reduced to these past months.
They enter storybrooke and Zelena parades her down Main Street, Regina mustering up the last bit of dignity she has and holding her head up as the crowds of residents stare. They would be laughing and throwing things, she thought, if they weren't so terrified of Zelena.
They are just passing Granny's as she is grabbed from behind, pulled back. This is it, she thinks. Someone will finally take their revenge. And death will come.
But it's not a touch to harm, and she's pulled into a hug.
Henry.
"Mom, I missed you, I missed you so much, what is happening? Please?" He's crying, like a child, like her sweet little prince. But he's tall, taller than he looked when she saw him in those moments inside the mirror. He's growing up fast, far too fast.
"Your mother has no time for you anymore darling" Zelena says, and she attempts to push Henry away, but the blood curse stops her from any harm. Henry continues to cling tightly to Regina, and she lets herself indulge in the warm contact, contact she hasn't had in months and doesn't expect to have ever again.
"I'm fine." She says to no one in particular – maybe herself.
"No you're not, stop saying that! You look sick, I think you're dying." Henry cries, and he starts to shake her, "Don't do this, don't become this! Fight this!"
"I can't" she says, looking in his eyes, "Every time I fight for myself someone I love dies. It's time to stop fighting."
"What about me?" Henry asks, "I can't lose my mom, I need you"
"You have your mother" Regina reminds him "No harm will come to Emma. I've ensured that."
"You're my mom.' He keeps saying, but there's no use 's not his mom anymore. She's barely human anymore.
Emma's house isn't warm and cozy or particularly posh. It's Emma's own style, which isn't too terribly complicated. It suits her and Killian though, and it's a fine place for Henry to live. Everyone is tense, and Regina cannot bear to look anyone in the eyes and meet that pitying, concerned gaze. She looks close to death, and these people assume that she isn't welcoming the death that's coming. They still remember her as the old Regina Mills.
Colic is over, and the child is all smiles when Zelena goes to hold her. "She likes me" she coos.
"She's beautiful". And suddenly Zelena is overwhelmed with questions about her daughter, as Emma nad Killian tell her when she first rolled over, her favorite toys, her mannerisms.
Her daughter has red hair, blue eyes, and it's clear she'll look more like Zelena than Robin. It's a twist to the gut to Regina. She had hoped a part of Robin would live on – and it does – it does, but she had hoped his bright eyes and warm features would grace their daughter, for everyone to see and remember. But it was not to be.
"I shouldn't have left her," Zelena says, staring up at Regina, "You knew this was a mistake and you let me give her away. You tricked me!"
"I was giving her her best chance" Regina said distantly, staring off into the window.
"We're staying" Zelena says bluntly. "We're staying here and I'm visiting her everyday. We never specified how often I could visit, did we?"
Regina continues to be the servant to her sister in Storybrooke.
Oh, the Charmings and Emma try to release her, many times when they sneak into Zelena's farmhouse and beg Regina to go with them. But Regina just shakes her head. "It's a blood oath" she finally explains. "I can't break it, I have to do as she says, I'm prevented from doing anything else. Only she could break the oath and release me."
Emma tries to make a deal with Rumple to find a way to release her, but he assures her Regina is right, there's no way out of a blood oath.
Regina's not allowed contact with family after her humiliating encounter with them, and she doesn't much mind. The pain's a bit too sharp, and they should all move on, anyway.
Day after day Zelena visits her child. She starts to tell Regina stories of her child's growth, what she's doing. There's a warmth in her voice that wasn't there before. Emma and Killian have actually been more welcoming and accepting of her than Regina imagined. Apparently Emma has a weak spot for biological mothers, and wants to give her the chance to be a part of her daughter's life, more than just the occasional visit, and they are trying.
"They want me to release you" Zelena says, "very badly. They say my daughter will grow up to think of me as an evil witch, who tortures her sister. I tell them of my tortured past, of everything you got that I never had, and they say a child won't see this as justice. What do you think? Should I release you?"
There's never an answer.
"Try," Zelena pleads, again. "Come on, try to get your life back."
But she won't.
She notices the subtle changes in Zelena over the next few weeks, but it doesn't seem like much until Jafar comes to town, threatening the lives of everyone.
Regina is in her cell in the farmhouse, never able to help the town. But Zelena comes back with stories of how the Charmings defended her and her daughter, how Emma is a great and powerful sorcerer, and she's not good all the time, but she damn well tries, and she's got respect for her, because Emma saved her child AND saved Zelena at the same time.
"And she says that's what heroes do. I helped, right alongside a hero. But I won't be one of them until we resolve this." She removes Regina's magical bond. "You're free, Regina. I'm so so sorry for everything I've done. I hope one day you can forgive me."
Regina doesn't move.
"You're FREE" she announces again, "Please Regina, move, try to kill me with your magic, run back to your son, go run to Maleficent and sick your dragon on me. GO! Do something, anything!"
She has no fight left in her though, so she just stares at the floor. At least now she won't be force fed. At least now she has the freedom to die.
Zelena gives her a hot bath, her first hot bath in ages. She raided Regina's old wardrobe, and her clothes hang off her now, but if she tightens a belt and cinches the waist, they almost work. Regina remains expressionless. Her fight is over.
"I don't know what to do to fix this" Zelena says in defeat, to Regina, to herself, she's not sure. She looks guilty, so guilty, and Regina wonders when she decided to finally care about her entitled evil sister, anyway.
But then Zelena gets Henry.
"I've missed you so much, I've been so scared. And now that you're here I'm even more scared. Zelena says you won't eat or drink, and it's not fair! I already thought I lost you once before. I was trying so hard to give you space and thought you could heal better on your own and then you left me! Emma doesn't know how to cook, she doesn't know how to take care of me when I get sick. I got pneumonia, you know. It started as the flu but there was no one to tell me I had to rest, and no one to take me to the doctor "just to make sure" it wasn't something worse. Emma's great she's a wonderful mom but she's not you, and she doesn't get these things, and I need you!"
There's a chink in the armor, she feels herself coming alive again at the mention of her son's illness. "She let you get pneumonia?" she asks, anger boiling up in her, and it feels odd, to feel an emotion with any sort of strength or heat to it after so much time.
"She just doesn't know how I act when I'm really sick." Henry says, and it's true, he's good at hiding his illness. But still, his mother should know when an illness goes from bad to worse.
He pauses then. "Roland is back, you know."
Her head snaps at him. "When did he-"
"They all came back, with the latest fight. Jafar was terrorizing the enchanted forest as well. That's how this started."
She nods, "Is he—does he—"
"He misses you. And he is asking for stories of Robin, and there's only so much we can tell him, he's already heard everything from the Merry Men."
"We need you, everyone does. We don't just need you to protect us, or to do magic. We fought this last battle without you. We need you because we love you. We all do."
She agrees to leave Zelena's farmhouse with Henry. She moves in with Emma and Killian at first, no one trusting her to stay in her mansion alone, and frankly, her not really wanting to be alone and admitting it to herself for the first time in forever.
Slowly, things start to crack her hardened heart. Her son's request for help. Roland's hugs. Snow White's jokes (both intended jokes and unintentional jokes). Charming's gentle assurances. And Sara, Robin's daughter, the beautiful, shining eyes of his daughter that warm her heart every time she looks at her. She feels a connection to her almost instantly, cannot help but fall in love with this little girl. Would give her anything, should she only ask.
It happens one night, when she's telling Roland about how she and Robin first met – all the times they first met, actually, and her eyes mist and she feels the tears coming. Holds back, but Snow sees them coming, and distracts Roland, rushes him off to bed. The boy has been pumped full of stories of the afterlife, believes his Papa and Mama watch over him. How they are happy, and it wouldn't make sense to see Regina crying over him. Not after all this time.
When he's off to bed, the dam breaks, and she's a sobbing mess, onto Snow's shoulder. The woman she once tried to kill the last time she lost someone she loved. What would she do without her, now?
"I miss him. I miss him so much." She half whispers, half sobs into the crook of Snow's neck, the anguish too much to bear, too much to pretend she's fine.
"I know, I know you do. We all do. He was a wonderful man." Snow soothes, and Regina finds that's what she needed to hear.
She doesn't stop crying that night. She's weak, so weak. But feeling stronger than she has in months.
She loves her family, loves them all so much it scares her, hates the idea that there may be another battle where they are in danger because of her. But she's starting to realize it's out of her control. They are determined to love her no matter what. She can't shut them out.
Little by little, she finds her happiness again. It's never been just Robin, but it has been understanding that she doesn't exist only to hurt others. That she's capable of bringing happiness to others. That Robin and Daniel may have passed, and may have even passed because of her, but that isn't the end of her story, it doesn't curse her or mark her for pain into eternity. She has a family who loves her, wants her around them, and she wants to be there, to give everything she has back to them.
Roland and Sara move into the mansion. Everyone agrees it's for the best. Roland is happy to once again have a bed and a room, and heat and air conditioning. And Emma and Killian are wonderful parents but neither feel as comfortable with Sara as Regina does. Henry once again splits his time between Emma and Regina.
She has a purpose, once again. These children are her life, her reason for existing, her place in this world is being their mother, their protector. And in return she's offered love, so much love from each of her children she feels it surrounding her, so thick she could swim in it.
It hits her a few years later, as she's rushing the kids off to school and Sara off to daycare.
Robin gave her this.
He didn't even need to be there physically to give her this unimaginable gift, to give her this life, a life of happiness – perhaps not the happiness she had known when he was alive, but it's close, nearly enough. He gave her children, he gave her the ability to believe in second chances. Her life was made whole by him, even from beyond the grave.
And she, too, had something to offer him. Because of her, Robin need not worry about Sara or Roland. He didn't have to worry about the Merry Men, who had her protection now. These pieces of Robin were part of her now, too, even if Robin wasn't physically there anymore.
For once she doesn't curse herself for have ever letting that beautiful man into her heart. For once she accepts that fate took him away too soon, but she was lucky – and even he was lucky – that they both found each other if only for a short while before they were ripped apart.
Once she accepts this, the weight on her shoulders falls off, and she finally embraces happiness without the twinge of guilt she felt before. She's a part of a wonderful family, full of light and love, and she'll never undervalue that again. Never leave it again.
Robin lives on, in the memories they had, and the children he gave her. And when she's reunited with him, she can tell him about how all those parts of him lived on and thrived and made her whole again.
So she moves on, instead of telling herself to move on from Robin, she moves on with him, always with him.
Until the day they meet again.