And does he sing to you incessantly from the place between your bed and wall?
Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes?
Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you."
Summary: Girls frighten Remus, and in close enough proximity can make him turn various shades of red. Surprisingly, his inner bookworm and a misplaced paperback cause his first tragic venture into romance. Marauders Era, RL/OC/SS, not in that order. MARY SUE!
Author's note: JK Rowling owns everything, and no harm is meant. This is just another hopeless attempt at fanfiction by a rather bored fan girl.
Remus. Remus J. Lupin. Moony. Remus John Lupin.
Oh, he hadn't intended Snape to hate him. It just happened. During his first week at Hogwarts, they had tolerated each other. Severus had no reason to hate him, beside the fact he messed up the first potion they had been assigned to work on together.
Sirius and James decided they hated him. His greasy hair, his hooked nose, and the fact that he was a pretentious bastard. He was a pureblood snob. Once Sirius had pointed these things out, it was very, very easy to hate Snape.
Remus has never intended to take the guy's love interest, either. Never girlfriend. Not Remus's girlfriend. Girls frightened Remus, and in close enough proximity made him turn various shades of red. They were just friends, and they both liked Steinbeck.
So why was it such a catastrophe?
Professor Burroughs, head of Slytherin house, was a nutcase, to say the least. Ambitious and conniving, but certainly not evil, even if that's what his students thought. Once every week or two, he would decide to pair up students from the separate houses. Some days were more disastrous than others. Like that time Regulus and Sirius had been paired up one cauldron blown up, three projects ruined and five students in the hospital wing.
"Snape and Evans, Potter and Lestrange, Regulus Black and McKinnon, Lupin and Daunais."
There was the occasional mutter of complaint, which Burroughs paid no attention to. After six years, they had learned the man would always ignore their protests, or he was just deaf. Slowly, the students shifted chairs and took their seats, while the directions for the potion appeared on the board.
Remus set his head down, and looked over at James. His face was a cross between jealousy and sadness, which happened to make him look like a puppy that had been kicked between the eyes. As Snape grudgingly took a seat next to Lily, he could hear James soft whine, "Liiiilllly!"
Daunais sat next to him, and set her books on the table. "Hello," she said awkwardly.
Lupin thought nothing of the glare Snape gave him.
"Hi," he replied, watching her carelessly spill the ingredients onto the cutting board. While she read up on the potion for a moment in the textbook, he found neatly arranging the plant roots. The perfection he insisted on with his work had become subconscious now, and he did these things automatically.
"You like Steinbeck?" he asked, reading the titles of the books she had been carrying.
"Huh?" She looked up at him. "Oh, Steinbeck. Yes."
Remus briefly wondered what a Slytherin was doing reading Muggle literature, and if one had ever been exiled from the house for doing so. Most Slytherins were pure-bloods, he had read, in Hogwarts: A History, so he assumed she was half-blood. Or crazy.
"Lupin? Lupin? Remus!"
"What?" he asked hurriedly.
"Could you at least try to pay attention? Shrivelfigs, please!"
His face turned red as he murmured something under his breath, and began to carefully slice the plant. Antonia Daunais was rather serious about her academics. She was in the top five of their year. Lupin was one himself, along with Snape.
"Wait," he interrupted her adding some other ingredient. Possibly beetle shells. "You need to powder them, not crush them."
She looked at him sceptically. "What's the difference?"
Remus felt his face go red, again. She was challenging him. "If the beetle shells are powdered, the potion will better absorb them. When they're crushed, the potion boils longer and can sometimes burn which is bad." A million synonyms for bad ran through his mind, but it was too late to use them. It was a pity, really; he could've come off so much more intelligent.
Antonia smiled at him strangely, her brown eyes rimmed in black. "Not bad for a Gryffindor."
It was the closest thing to a compliment he had ever received from a Slytherin.
They had finished the assignment fifteen minutes ahead of the class, and it was a lot less painful than Remus had anticipated. James had gotten into a shouting match over the potion with one of the Lestrange brothers, which had ultimately resulted in a melted cauldron and a failing grade.
It was very awkward, sitting there without having any conversation to make. Conversation had usually been easy for Remus. He could be polite and talk about the weather, but how strange was it to talk about the weather? How strange was it to make casual conversation with a Slytherin? A girl Slytherin?
Girls had always confused him, the way they walked around in their cliques. It was like a pack of animals. They were always attached at the hip, talking in what seemed like a foreign language. He didn't understand the code words, the way they giggled behind their hands when the Ravenclaw Quidditch captain walked by, or what was so great about passing notes during Charms even though they were sitting at the same desk.
Burroughs stopped in front of the cauldron, and looked down at the potion. He glanced at the two students, and simply gave them a 98 an Outstanding.
Antonia gave a dry laugh. "Where did our two points go? The potion is effing perfect."
Remus wasn't witty, so he didn't have an answer. The bell rang, and Antonia gathered her books soundlessly. He watched her fall into the Slytherin clique, as she took place between Regulus Black, Rosalind Notaro, and Severus Snape.
It was funny to think Snape had friends but more funny-pathetic, than funny-ha-ha.
Remus had been halfway through his Charms reading assignment when he realized that the copy of Steinbeck in his bag wasn't his.
He pulled out a quill, along with the book, and gave an exasperated sigh. "Damn."
They were sitting under a tree by the lake, Remus actually doing his homework, while James and Sirius cast showy charms on each other, and Peter watched admiringly.
"Yes, Mssr. Moony?" Sirius asked. "What are we damning?"
"A book."
Sirius looked at him curiously, and a spell from James barely missed knocking him backwards. They had been practicing disarming charms. "A book?" Sirius repeated. "You love books. Think of the books! Why would you do such a thing?"
"It's that Slytherin girl's," he said, quietly. "I grabbed the wrong book."
"Oh." Sirius walked over, and flopped down onto the grass next to him. "So what do we do?"
"Burn it?" suggested Peter.
"No, we take the obvious course of action and return it. It's common courtesy."
"That's like chivalry, right?" Peter asked. "Do we need top hats?"
"No, chivalry is where you have a knight in shining armour who whisks the girl away on a white stallion into the sunset," Sirius said, very animatedly.
"Where are we going to get a stallion?"
"I could be a knight!"
"No, no," Remus groaned. "No knights, no stallions." Sometimes he had trouble believing that his friends really were sixteen and seventeen. Stallions. Knights. Shiny armour. Really, that was the illustrated version of King Arthur. Maybe one of these days Sirius would move up from picture books to ones with chapters. Who knows, he could even learn what a textbook was.
Remus looked around the grounds, hoping Daunais would be outside. He didn't want to bother going into the castle to look for her. Seeing her at dinner was always an option, but the entire house of Slytherin would be watching him. Remus would say, 'why, hello there, this is your book, I believe?' and she would laugh and say, 'oh, you silly Gryffindor, come closer so I may slap you, and my noble Slytherin court can maul you. We will roast you over our common room fire and eat your brains for breakfast with a cup of Earl Grey.'
Wow. Usually, he didn't create such vivid images, and unrealistic ones, at that.
"I'm bored," Sirius complained, rolling onto his stomach so his face was buried in the grass, "and Quidditch practice isn't for another three hours. James, make a suggestion."
"Do you have any dungbombs?"
"No."
"Fireworks?"
"All out."
"Then we know what we're doing at Hogsmeade this weekend."
"Too far away. I want to do something now, like punch Snivellus in the nose. Did you see him with Evans today?"
James made his Small Noise of Death. He was always making various little cries and whimpers, which Sirius had gotten used to decoding. There was the Pout of Jealousy and Sadness, the Victory Scream (reserved for Quidditch matches), Vindictive Snicker, and especially the Impressive Deep Voice accompanied by the Hair Ruffle.
"I should kill him," James sneered. "I should chop him into tiny little pieces and bury them in the forest. No one will ever know! And we can blame Regulus!"
"Yes!" Sirius chorused. "We can blame Regulus and get him expelled and bring shame. Oh, it's bloody brilliant, I love you, mate. And then we can dispose of Regulus's body, too!"
Remus couldn't help but become slightly frightened when Sirius spoke in italics. Emphasising words like kill and expelled and shame, ending with brilliant had more than once gotten them house points deducted in the hundreds. Sirius had been feeling particularly malicious after moving out over the summer. Regulus had taken every possession he left behind before he could do anything, among these a collection of swords he had gotten for his thirteenth birthday.
"Oh, Moony, look," Peter said, pointed towards the entrance to the castle. "There's your damsel, which you must bring chivalry upon."
"What?" Remus repeated. "What kind of sentence is that? Bring chivalry upon?"
"Look who she's standing with," James added. Daunais had walked outside for a moment, and looked over the school grounds while Snape stood behind her. After a moment of waving into the open, a fifth year Ravenclaw girl walked over. She talked with Daunais for a moment, before the two of them went inside. Daunais waved good-bye to Snape, who sat down on the bottom of the steps and took out an assignment to work on.
"They waved. She's probably going to get warts now," Sirius said.
"How do you get warts from waving?" Peter asked.
"Easily," Sirius said. "When you wave, you are exchanging air with the person you are waving at. Obviously, the air around Snivellus is contaminated with billions of diseases, including one that prevents him from washing his hair. These diseases wafted over towards Doooo-naiys so she will break out in warts before dinner."
"Padfoot, that's bullshit."
Sirius grinned.
Remus had to try very hard to suppress a laugh, "and how," he said, "do you plan on passing Auror training with answers like that?"
Sirius sat up, dusting grass off of his uniform. "Very carefully. I mean, it got me through Divination."
At dinner, James casually took a seat near Lily. This arrangement remained for about thirty seconds, until Lily realised he was next to her. She promptly got up and walked to the other side of the table. James's face fell, and Sirius slipped into her seat. "It's okay," he said, throwing an arm around James's shoulder. "You'll always have me, and we all know that I'm the sexiest male in this school. Well, next to Flitwick, of course."
James rolled his eyes, and piled more food than usual onto his plate, as Peter sat down across from them. Remus remained standing, looking across the hall at the Slytherin table.
"You should just get it over with," James said. "Quick and painless."
He gave a dry laugh. "Right, painless. I'll try."
Remus wandered over to the Slytherin table, unusually nervous, clutching the book in his hands. He felt eyes turn to him as he crossed the hall, and finally stopped next to Daunais. She was sitting towards the back of the hall, with Rosalind. Rosalind was a large, intimidating girl, who was at least six feet tall and had an upturned nose. Daunais looked very demure next to her, and smiled at him at him awkwardly.
"Uh, hi, Daunais," he said. "I grabbed the wrong book during Potions here." He handed it to her. She looked at him with a raised eyebrow as she took it, and exchanged a look with Rosalind.
"Thank you very much, Lupin. Have a seat?"
Remus sat down across from her only because it was the polite thing. His gold and scarlet tie really set him apart from everybody else at the table. Many of the Slytherins were looking at him curiously, and he really wanted to leave.
"That was quite the courteous thing you did, returning my book. You said you liked Steinbeck? What're some of your favourite authors?"
"Kerouac, Austen I like Robert Browning."
A huge smile spread across her pink lips, as if she was suppressing a laugh. "Browning, really? That's very cute."
"Steinbeck is a Muggle," he said suddenly. "I was kind of surprised you were reading that, being in Slytherin. What else do you read?" Remus was more interested in finding out why a Slytherin was reading Muggle literature, than finding out who she liked. It wasn't completely outrageous, just highly unusual.
"Well, it's easier to find well-written Muggle literature, because they focus on human qualities more than magical theory and history, which is really cliché in our world." She paused, brushing a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. "I like Anthony Burgess Kerouac is very good. I was especially fond of that one Golding wrote the one that agreed with Rousseau's theories. Terribly confusing and barbaric but it did make you think."
He stared at her blankly. She knew what she was talking about, sort of, and it almost made sense, which was almost impressive. And why wasn't she in Ravenclaw?
She was snickering behind her hand at something, which brought him back to reality. "You have that fish face one again, the same one you had in Potions. It's funny-we should hang out sometime."
"What?"
"We should hang out sometime," she repeated. "You know you like books, I like books, we're nerds."
"Thanks, I think?"
"It was a compliment."
"All right." He managed a small laugh, but looking around at the people she hung out with ruined any potential for further intelligent conversation. Rosalind looked as though she was evaluating him, and he wasn't winning.
"Well, look who finally showed up," Daunais said, looking towards the doorway. Remus looked to his left, to see Severus walking in with Regulus at his heels. They both stopped at the table, with looks of such surprise on their faces you'd think they had been shot.
"Hello, Lupin," Snape sneered. "May I ask why you're joining us tonight?" he asked, in mock-politeness.
Lupin sat up so suddenly, he slammed his knee into the table painfully, rattling the silverware. He laughed nervously, clutching his leg. He wished briefly that Sirius or James were there to say something clever, but all he could come up with was, "I think I'll spare myself," which sounded incredibly stupid.
"What are you doing here, anyway?" Regulus asked.
"Remus and I were engaged in an intelligent conversation, if you must know," Daunais said tilting her head at him. "And thank you," she added, turning back to him, "for returning my book, and the lovely discussion on literature. I look forward to seeing you again."
Remus didn't know if she was being sarcastic or not, and muttered a quick good-bye before hurrying back over to the Gryffindor table. He practically collapsed into the seat next to Peter. Sirius was laughing uncontrollably, along with James.
"You should've seen your face-you bolted when Snivelly walked over," Sirius laughed.
"You're so red! What happened? Why'd you sit and talk?" James asked.
"She wanted to talk," he said, "about books. And she said some face I make is funny."
"The fish face?" Sirius asked.
"What now, you too? I don't make a fish face!"
"Yes, you do. You do it when you don't know what to say. It's like this." Sirius let his lips part, as if in a pause of thought, and his eyes stared blankly ahead.
Remus sighed in defeat. "Have any of you heard of Burgess?"
All three of them stared at him, dumbfounded.
"Fish face, mates," he said, smiling to himself. "You're all doing it."
"But you have gills," Peter said.
Oh, yes, his gills. Remus ran a hand over the faint scars along the side of his neck. They were scratches from a particularly bad transformation.
"It's okay, you have beautiful gills," Sirius said.
"Evans has lovely gills," James added.
They looked at him strangely, and James blinked, as if just realizing what he had just said. "Neck!" he continued. "She has a lovely neck. Gills are in no way referring to anything else that we shall not speak of."
"Sirius speaks of it," Peter chimed in, "all the time."
"Oh, shut up."
Beloved canon Nazis: do not crucify me, for I know this is a Mary Sue, and I know it's punishable by death. Think of it as a sort mindless indulgence that at least tries to consider canon (read: no makeovers, no curves in all the right places, and love doesn't really strike until third sight). It'd be an honour to appear on Potter Sue of the Day or Deleterius, so please leave a comment. Why is it an honour? Because I am a sick, crazy nerd with a warped sense of humour. And now, go spork-happy :D
And just for spite: omfg their love iz so platonic loolz I luv t3h moony!!!1/aevn/?