Tell Me Something

by Thyme In Her Eyes

Author's Notes: Another ficlet written for the CxA Forum's 100 Themes contest, set early in the game, and has been written for the theme "Hollow". And I felt like writing something a little more vague and confusing this time, so I'm sorry if it's not your cup of tea. Anyway, enjoy and remember that feedback is appreciated.

-- TELL ME SOMETHING --

He's too old for games. But somehow she brings out a playful side to him, a part of him that might actually have a purpose in life when the time for struggling, fighting, and cleaning out wounds is done. She flirts and teases and her moods change before he can understand them, and he never reacts the way he should, by being cool and giving as good as he gets. But they keep playing this game and win so many different prizes after each round, and he can't help but look forward to the next time they'll speak, or be alone together.

Her giggles don't break through the silence or the dark. They're round and small and couldn't pierce through anything, so they make their impressions in a different way. They bubble, always bubble up, and for the first time he becomes aware that there's more under the surface of this world. That maybe there's more to him. He's never looked to that side of himself before, but it's reaching for him with encouraging smiles and gentle hands.

Her eyes are as intimate and warm as a fireplace, and he wants to sit by that glow for a long time, perhaps until he falls asleep. Or perhaps forever.

His eyes are much colder, he knows. He wonders what she sees in them, and what exactly it is that she doesn't see. There are so many things missing, and sometimes he feels like a room robbed of furniture. She's always there and sifting through bits and pieces of conversation, looking for something, filling in gaps to something Cloud doesn't even realize is only there in bits and pieces. He watches her and catches her making intuitive leaps and noticing crucial details in the flash of someone's eyes or in the turn of their heads.

She's dizzying, and so far ahead of everyone that he thinks he'll never catch up with her. He wonders why he wants to reach her and be where she is so badly. But he doesn't want to dwell on these things, and keeps moving instead. With a spring in her step, she's at his side as he marches forwards, hands behind her back and head tilted so that she can examine all he's hiding away. She's inquisitive and approachable and he wishes he could break away from everything for a minute and let her have her own way.

"So Cloud," she says. "Tell me something."

"What do you want to know?" He counters, not nearly as reluctant to open up as he's trying to sound.

She twirls a lock of her hair around her finger and fixes undemanding green eyes on him as she smiles. "Actually, I was wondering if you could tell me a bit about about you and Tifa."

Maybe another man in his position would bristle at that question, and everything it implies, but Cloud has always been a bit different from the crowd. There's no need to worry about tricky questions about himself, Tifa and Aeris. Everyone knows the story. Officially, they're all nothing to each other. Maybe that's why their eyes never stray very far from each other – to check that they're all still there, or to make sure they don't evaporate completely.

He's still a tad ruffled though, and his confusion is genuine. "Me and Tifa? Why?"

"Does it really matter why?" She says with a laugh, always quick to answer a question with a question. "You're both my friends, so I'm a bit curious about a few things. I want to know more about you."

"...Like what?" His tone is suspicious and he shoots her a questioning look.

"Nothing terrible!" She hams it up, and pretends to be affronted in a way that lets him know she isn't really, and puts her hands up in an innocent gesture. "But...you and Tifa..."

"Yeah?"

She's careful now, her curiosity genuine. "You and Tifa grew up together, right?"

"Yeah," he says, a smile in his tone that doesn't quite reach his face. "We lived next door to each other since we were born."

"So you two were close friends?"

He blinks and sees nothing but white for a moment as he remembers. Then things clear, and out of that white emptiness the answer comes, armed with many affirming details.

"Best friends." He says firmly.

She gives a small nod and speaks softly, eyes and voice full of affection. "That's really nice."

He wants to press her for more, and wonders why she'd be so curious about his childhood. But it's as if he's opened up a floodgate inside himself, and his mind is overwhelmed by a deluge of images, all of them happy ones of him and Tifa. All of them too bright, and searingly painful. Scenes flash before him – he's popular, everyone likes him, he's at the center of a big circle of friends who all think he's just the greatest and the coolest. They all say he'll go far. But out of them all, it's Tifa who likes him the most, who is the closest to him, who has that special best-friends bond with him. He's not the kind who'd ever need to wonder what it's like to have a friend or how it'd feel to be noticed and admired.

But the pictures and memories come too fast and are too fragmented. Cheery and affirming as they are, they feel like crushed glass behind his eyes. Something feels wrong and he almost can't breathe for a second.

"Cloud?" It's Aeris' voice, and the crushed glass' intensity wavers.

Reality is back, and has its own expectations of him. A leader can't act like this – a First Class SOLDIER can't be confused so easily by a funny mishmash of childhood memories and recollections. He shoots her a grin and tries to brush the whole thing off. It's nothing, it's nothing. Everything is fine.

"Why...why'd you ask something like that?" He asks, still feeling choked from inside.

"No special reason, I guess. I just wanted to know more about you. That's okay, right?"

It's nice, that's a very nice thing to say, and it warms him. But there's a familiar ringing inside his mind again and he thinks about Tifa, remembering sad eyes that were always too far away, surrounded by stupid laughing faces. He doesn't know why it's too much, but there's a pressure inside that he can't handle. Something feels missing and ripped from him, but he can't begin to understand.

So many perfect moments disturb Cloud in a way he hasn't questioned till now. He feels like nothing more than an insecure kid, remembering stuff that way. As if it's not memory, but reassurance. He's confused, and when he repeats the term "best friends" again in his mind, he doesn't feel anything but hollow.

Aeris ducks her head a little and catches a glimpse of the troubled frown he's hiding, and hurt colours her face. "You okay, Cloud?"

"Nah, it's nothing," he answers quietly, shaking his head. "My head hurts, that's all."

Then, her hand is on his shoulder, and it's warm. It's light too, and there's no pressure or expectation in her comfort. Just a gentle sympathy, and Cloud can't even begin to understand how he could've provoked it in her. There's an ache inside him, not just his head anymore but somewhere deeper, drowning everything. It's the ache of having wanted something, of hurting for it every day, but never ever being good enough. His back tenses with the strength of the feelings and he grits his teeth, trying to shut it out and keep it away. It doesn't belong to him, doesn't belong to this life.

In his few bad dreams, there are often many questions about Tifa. Again and again, reach out to her, but she's always too far away. He can't ask her anything and she can't tell him anything. Awake, he can't ask her to fill in some of the holes and gaps in his stories, because that would mean acknowledging they were there in the first place. Awake, he can't let himself slow down enough to reach out and worry about what might be going on deep inside his head. It's so much better to keep moving and always follow the trail Sephiroth leaves for him.

The emptiness opens wide in front of him as his headache starts fade and normality reasserts itself, but Aeris' small hand on his shoulder and the look in her eyes that tell him that all her questions are silenced for now make that hollowed emptiness somehow smaller. There are many moments on the road or in battle when he feels so outside of himself, so estranged from his either his mind or body or his own history, with no way tell which. There are nightmares and voices and visions that make the inside of his skull ring, and when it ebbs away he only felt hollowed out

But Aeris is here with him, and the softness of her quiet moments is a soothing balm. And other times, her laughter, anger, teasing jokes and intriguing questions can be so warm and binding, though he tries not to let is show. She takes her hand away from Cloud's body and they walk silently together, but it doesn't feel as though she's drifted away from him. In fact, she seems more within reach than ever before, but he's in no mood to do anything about that except feel and appreciate the sensation.

Things are so confused inside him sometimes, but each time Aeris gives him one of her trademark smiles, that hollowness within fills just a little.

-- FIN --