Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto
"Where are Tobirama and Izuna?!" Sage whispered hotly to Mito, slamming his hands onto the desk at the back of the chapel, next to the dressing rooms. Mito, being Ritana's mother, was there too. And before anyone asks; No. Sage and Mito are not, and were never together.
"They're on a date!" Mito whispered back. Both being the parent's of Ritana, they were waiting outside her dressing room to see her, because she wouldn't let anyone, not even her mother, see her before she was ready. The only exception was Kin, who was in there helping her get ready.
"Ugh! Izuna especially asked me to turn Peen into a human, and I did." Sage seethed, "What does he do in return? Miss my daughters' damn wedding!" Sage threw his hands up in exasperation, "You know what?" He began saying as Ritana walked out the door with Kin following, "I'm here and Mito's here, we're starting the wedding!" He declared, strutting off to the backroom of the chapel of wait for his part and entrance.
"Yes! Let's do this shit!" Mito agreed, smiling widely as she began walking after Sage, with Ritana at her side. "I'm going to go see if everything's prepared." Kin informed them, before running off.
"Peencake should be starting soon." Ritana commented, hurriedly walking alongside Mito with a flushed face and a nervous smile. She was finally getting married to Hayate! Butterflies fluttered around her stomach and she could feel joyous tears building up under her eyelids.
"Eek! I'm so excited!" Mito slowed down a bit to walk behind Ritana and make minor adjustments with her hair. Ritana smiled as a tear streamed down her face. "Ah! Ritana, you're going to mess up your makeup!"
"Time for the dress." Yagura glanced at the dress in his arms and bit his lip. "Shota! Let's do this!" Kin kicked her way into Yagura's dressing room wearing a violet, Velcro wedding dress that hugged her torso but flowed down from her waist. A slit from mid-thigh to the end ran down the right side of the dress.
"I-"
"You haven't even put it on yet?!" Kin shouted incredulously. "I-"
Kin interrupted Yagura again by pulling his shirt off with one hand and grabbing his pants edge with the other. "W-What?! Kin, what're you-"
"The wedding's about to start! We can't have your slow ass making us miss things!" She shouted, bending down to grab his pants by the ankles and yank them off, causing Yagura to fall. "Shukaku won't be happy about you doing th-"
"Oh, shush. He's not even here. Besides, he'll understand." Kin grinned, completely jerking the pants off on his, before roughly pulling him back up off the ground by his arm. Yagura caught the unsatisfied glance she gave his boxer shorts. "K-Kin don't-"
Rip.
"KIIIIIIIIIIIIN!"
"I've never married anyone before but I promise to do my best!" Peencake chirped, smiling sweetly at Ritana, who has just arrived in the main room of the chapel. The guests had yet to come.
Mito, who had been with Ritana the whole time leaned over to whisper in Peencake's ear; "You gotta smack their heads together at the end to represent the years of pain to come."
Peencake's smile got a little tighter and she didn't respond. But if you think she should've defiled Mito's wishes you obviously aren't skilled in the art of survival. Uzumaki are not something to take lightly.
A small, orange-haired, girl skipped into the room holding flowers, and her father, Hayate followed after at a much more casual pace, eyes on Moegi the entire time. Ritana and Hayate had adopted a child who'd been staying with Hayate's mother's home on a 'vacation' for the past month. "Who's the flower girl?" She curiously inquired in a high-pitched voice.
Hayate's hand landed lightly on her head and his heart melted at the expression his daughter was wearing, "I honestly don't know," He chuckled, "but if no one else takes it, you can do it." He finished, smiling warmly at his daughter. Before getting a chance to glance at his fiance after realizing she was in the room, Hayate found himself with his eyes being covered by Mito's hands.
"No! It's bad luck for a man to see his bride's dress before the wedding starts." She scolded, glancing at the clock and back at Ritana's shocked face, before doing a double take and realizing it was starting in 5 minutes. "Shoot! Both of you guys get to the back right now! Now!" She pushed Hayate forward and walked behind him, shielding his view from Ritana, in case he decided peeking back was a fabulous idea.
"YEAH!" Teuchi shouted, running into the chapel and closely observing everything that caught his interest.
"Why is Teuchi always yelling when there's a wedding going on?" Yashamaru asked himself from his seat. "There's a wedding going on?" Teuchi asked, as he was right next to Yashamaru at the time, observing the roses by the seats.
"Hush, it's literally going on right now." Yashamaru quietly informed the Ramen Man, glancing at him. "Oh, I should've brought the ner-" Yashamaru interupped Teuchi as he slid the ramen man a nerf gun from his 99 cent fur coat. Teuchi slipped the nerf gun in his own fur coat, hiding it next to the arsenal of cokes.
Kin walk into the chapel's main room and took a in between Yagura and Yashamaru. She quietly scanned the crowd while holding a flick-blade. 'I'll be damned if anyone ruins one of my best friend's wedding.'
Yagura, seeing the flick-blade, silently prayed she wouldn't kill anyone as he smoothed out his dress. Yashamaru completely missed it, as he was occupied with his macaroni-filled gun. Finishing loading the gun, he glanced at Teuchi, who was pretending to adjust his coat as a cover-up for the fact that he was also loading his nerf gun with macaroni.
"Another wedding?" Izuna walked in with a scowling Madara and both took their seats.
They both snapped their heads up when Kiba began a passionate speech.
"RINATA IS A GREAT AND BEAUTIFUL GIRL THING! HAYATE IS HANDSOME BUT DEA- VERY GOOD PROFESSOR THING THO- I MEAN I FAILED BUT-" He cut himself off with a heavy sigh and continued, "I LOVE THEM BOTH VERY MUCH! VERY CUTE COUPLE INDEED! SHIBE APPROVED MARRIAGE! MAY THEY BE TOGETHER MOSTLY PEACEFULLY!" He yelled into the microphone. Then he paused and yelled; "RITANA, I MAY TRY TO HOP ON YOUR MAN'S DICK IN THE FUTURE! I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST BEING HONEST! DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY! I LOVE YOU! KEEP HIM CLOSE!"
In the corner, Kisame, who was filming the wedding, focused his high-tech camera off of Kiba, who was breaking down into tears and running off the stage, and on Peencake as she cleared her throat.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony."
Kin hid her flick-blade and all attention was on the minister.
Ritana excitedly shuffled in the back room with Sage trying to calm her down and Mito trying to contain her sobs of happiness. "Do not shoot guns at my wedding, I will crescent moon the lot of you." Hayate mumbled, peaking in the door to the main room.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony." They heard Peen's voice echo from said room.
"Oh jeez, we're doing this, okay." Hayate tugged at his tie and tried to glance behind him, but caught a watery glare from Mito. "No peeking!" She hissed. He broke out into a loud coughing fit, interrupting what we're all sure was a supposedly amazing response. "Dad!" Moegi chided quickly, before running in to petal up the floor, as the flower-girl of the wedding.
Hayate didn't respond, still coughing. "I'm still surprised Izuna showed up." Sage remarked. They paid him no mind.
"Oh, it's time." Hayate casually informed, after his coughing fit. He walked in the main room's aisle and onto the platform thing. Peencake began a new speech then.
Mito sighed aggressively, sharing an irritated glance with Sage.
"FEARS, HAPPINESS, DREAMS AND LIFE IN UNISON FOREVER." They heard Peencake end her minister speech with a loud ending. "Let's knock 'em dead." Sage whispered, welcoming Ritana on his arm as they strutted into the main room of the chapel with Mito on Ritana's other side.
"The Sage has a daughter?! Man, today is full of surprises!" Teuchi exclaimed from his seat. Yashamaru glared at him for drawing attention to them.. Or at least trying to because the entire chapel was focused on Sage and Mito walking Ritana down the aisle.
Yagura, who was seated at the front with Kin, gave Kisame a look when he noticed said swordsman focusing the camera on his face. Moegi, who was seated right next to them both, glared behind her at everyone who was talking, for the soft buzz of chatter filled the chapel.
"I swear to shit, you faggots better shut up. I'm trying to marry two lovey people here." Peen mumbled, before shouting; "DO YOU, HAYATE, TAKE RITANA TO BE YOUR WIFE?" Peencake looked down at Hayate intently. "I d-" "WILL YOU LOVE HER COMFORT HER HONOR HER? PROTECT HER AND KEEP HER? IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH? FOR RICHER," Everyone in the chapel shared bemused glances, "FOR POORER! FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE! IN SADNESS AND IN JOY! TO CHERISH AND TO CONTINUALLY BESTOW UPON HER YOUR HEARTS DEEPEST DEVOTION FORSAKING ALL OTHERS?!"
Peencake leaned in, narrowing her eyes at Hayate as he seemed to consider all the conditions given. "..I-" A loud coughing fit racked his body and he swiftly leaned away to cough into his elbow. "What does best man do at a wedding?" Kiba whispered, standing near the altar nervously. Several minutes later, Hayate was still coughing, and save for that, the chapel was in dead silence. "I swear to go-" Peencake was interrupted. "I do." Hayate agreed to the conditions, looking at Peen innocently. "Eep." Ritana squeaked.
"...Does this wedding have chicken?" Konohamaru's voice echoed from the back. People focused their attention on him, sans Yagura who was glaring forward, his aura oozing irritation. Kin poked him to get him behaved.
Madara, who was seated a few rows behind Konohamaru, was sipping sake as he glared at Mito. Mito, from her seat on the alter, right behind the standing groom, calmly ignored Madara's aggression.
Yashamaru tapped his gun on his knee, smirking at Teuchi as they aimed at random spectators of the wedding.
Peencake continued, "DO YOU TAKE HAYATE TO BE YOUR HUSBAND?" She shouted at the trembling Ritana, (ignoring the macaroni that pelted her dress, but giving an angry glance to Teuchi), "WILL YOU LOVE AND CHERISH HIM? HONOUR AND KEEP HIM, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH ? FOR RICHER OR FOR POORER, FOR BETTER OR WORSE, IN SADNESS-" Peencake paused, "Though if he makes you sad, you can totally slap him that's cool.."
Sage fixed his tux and straightened the moon flowers in his outside torso pocket, "If I don't get to him first." He grinned at Ritana.
Hayate's jaw dropped, "Wha-" "AND IN JOY, TO CHERISH AND TO CONTINUOUSLY BESTOW UPON HIM YOUR HEARTS DEEPEST DEVOTION, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS?!" Ritana prepared herself to answer Peencake's shouting, "I d-" "KEEPING YOURSELF FOR HIS D FOR AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE?" Peen added passionately, wriggling her eyebrows at Ritana when she said 'D'.
"I do!" Ritana grinned at Hayate. He blushed and glanced down bashfully.
He then glanced at Kin who was whispering with Yagura. 'Why does my wedding have to have so much drama? Why this?' Kiba was pulling on his collar nervously.
Kin had a dark, purple aura appear around her as she glared at the people around her. In the back rows, Teuchi drummed on the seats in front of him with his nerf guns. "If there is any shooting at this wedding, I'll fucking gatsuga your ass into oblivion." Kiba growled.
"I have yet to see one organized wedding here." Yashamaru commented idly, aiming his gun at Kisame. "Ow!" Kisame's shout of pain echoed around the room.
Everyone took the time of wedding-ring confusion as an opportunity to socialize.
"Where's the ring bearer?"
"Madara's double was supposed to be it. The Kid Madara that Tobirama accidentally crea-"
"Well he's not here now!"
"Yagura, go do it!" Kin shoved Yagura off the seat and he.. fell..
"I can't. How did I walk up here in heels without falling?" He mumbled the last part to himself.
Konohamaru looked around in boredom; "Does this wedding have vodka?" Kiba lowered himself into his seat.
"If someone would give them the rings so I can get on with the next part I'd be grateful, to be honest!" Peencake shouted.
Meanwhile, Kisame abandoned his camera to chat with Madara; "Do you plan on getting drunk, sir?"
Madara glanced down at his cup of sake, "It is very possible, to be honest." Kisame smiled, "Hmm.. This is good information. Thank you, sir." He strutted back to his camera with Madara eying his back suspiciously.
"Ew, did anyone hear a snake?" Kin questioned, looking around her. "You would know what a snake sounds like." Yagura snickered. She glared in response.
"I still can't believe Yagura wore some goddamn heels... and at the same time.. I'm totally unsurprised." Yashamaru said.
"OI BITCHES! SOMEONE GIVE THEM THE RINGS ALREADY!" Mito shouted at the crowd. They were stunned into silence.
...
"WAIT! I CAN BE RING BEARER IF NEEDED!" Kiba exclaimed, perking up.
"FEAR NOT!" Fugaku ran into the room, "I HAVE THE RINGS!" He exclaimed. Sasuke's jaw dropped from his seat amongst the spectators. "YOU ALL GET RINGS IN YOUR WEDDING LOOP BAGS! SURPRISE BITCHES!" Fugaku shouted.
"Wait no. It's all good." Kiba drew back.
Hanare lost her shit from the first few rows, "FUGAKU, I'M GON' PISS! I'M LAUGHING SO HARD!" She cackled.
"Where did Ritana go?" Hayate's voice drew order in the chapel and they all looked to see Ritana gone. "Was I just jilted by the bride?" Hayate questioned incredulously. "If Ritana skips out on her wedding, can Hayate and I bang in the pews?" Kiba asked.
"You may not bang my daddy, unworthy one." Moegi answered. "It'd be your daddy banging me, and excuse you, I'm worthy. We almost did it several times."
"No, my daddy's loyal to Ritana and would never bang an unworthy doge like you." Moegi balled her fists. "
"HAYATE, YOUR DAUGHTER IS CALLING ME AN UNWORTHY DOGE!" Kiba shouted out, before turning back to Moegi and saying, "Not an unworthy doge, excuse you."
"Now your just an unworthy mangy mutt." Moegi challenged, Kiba laughed out a 'no'.
"HAYATE, WE NEVER HAD A BACHELOR PARTY!" Kiba suddenly shouted.
Izuna chirping from next to Madara could be heard. Madara stared at his little brother horridly, 'I forgot he has horrible alcohol tolerance!' He thought.
Mito stared at Izuna, wondering why the fuck he's chirping and how she can successfully shut him up discretely without killing him. Kiba straightened his tux and fixed his tie, trying to leave an example of peace and order.
"THE RINGS OF SWAG!" Fugaku screamed, pointing at the alter. Izuna chirped more loudly.
"WHERE THE FUCK DID MY DAUGHTER GO?!" Mito screamed out. Chikushodo walked in with a soda, "W- Hold up, who's wedding right now?" Kiba internally screamed.
She was grabbed by Izuna and shoved into the seat next to him. Fugaku paused and looked around, "Who is the bride though?" He skipped to the alter, "I have the rings but there is nary a finger to put them on!" He shouted at Peencake.
"WHERE DID RITANA GO?!" Hayate shouted at Peencake. "I DON'T KNOW! I'M A PRIEST, NOT A BABYSITTER!"
In the back, Kiba was fighting to shove Yashamaru and Teuchi out the door. "Sorry no. We will still be here.. You can't kick us out; wedding crasher game too raw." Yashamaru objected, pushing against Kiba with unexpected force and sending him rolling.
"Yashamaru, If I summon my gun can I join you?" Kin shouted from the front. Sage looked around with narrowed eyes, "Daughter! Haul your ass back to reality!"
Kiba gave shushed sobs, "It was gonna be fucking awesome."
"Calm your shit!" Everyone paused and looked at Ritana who was running up the aisle barefoot, holding her dress off the ground before jumping back onto the alter. She ran her fingers through her hair like nothing was wrong.
"OKAY! SHE'S HERE! IT'S GOOD!" Hayate shouted.. But Fugaku proved him wrong.
"I WAS DRUNK AT MY OWN WEDDING! OBVIOUSLY I AM CURRENTLY BOOZED!" Fugaku shouted, running back down the aisle. "AT MY WEDDING I FORGOT TO SLIP THE FINGER BUT I SLIPPED THE D!" He exclaimed.
Sasuke sunk into his seat with both hands covering his face. "Still gonna cr-ry.." Kiba whimpered, tears welling.
"HAPPY EASTER!" Fugaku screamed, jumping up and down while ripping his vest to shreds. "N-No. I'm tough." Kiba whispered. "Who shows up to a wedding drunk? That's basic." Moegi arched a brow, kneeling in her chair with both hands firmly on the back of it.
"Omg! ThisisthefirstweddingIcanattend! Thisisveryexcite!" Chiku squealed, finally realizing what was going on.
"I have to pee but my dad is going to call any second, dammit." Yashamaru mumbled, ignoring Kin as she cuddled her gun from her new seat; Beside him.
"DRUNK SINCE YESTERDAY, HOLLER!" Fugaku yelled, unaware that a macaroni bullet whizzed passed him and knocked Izuna out his seat as it nailed him in the face.
"Yashamaru, I shot Izuna. Can I join?" Kin asked sweetly. Yasha rolled his eyes. "Nobody pay attention to Yashamaru n' ramen bro. I threw them out, its all good." Kiba announced.
"OK! RINGS EXCHANGED! LET'S MOVE ON!" Hayate shouted, leading the majority of the crowd to wonder when this had happened.
Peencake placed her hands on the hands of Ritana and Hayate, "I BLESS THESE RING BECAUSE I AM A PRIEST AND THAT'S PRIESTY SHIT!"
Yashamaru lifted his gun and aimed at Kiba.
"THEY ARE BLESSED AS THE SYMBOL OF UNDYING LOVE AND AFFECTION!"
"This wedding is my bitch.. Boozin.." Fugaku muttered..
"A UNITY THESE TWO BEAUTIFUL SOULS ARE JOINED IN!"
Teuchi shot at Kiba.
"ONE FOREVER UNBROKEN CIRCLE!"
"Don't booze n' cruise." Fugaku muttered.
"WHEREVER THEY SHALL GO, MAY THEY ALWAYS RETURN TO ONE ANOTHER!"
"This wedding is taking forever, like, I'm probably just going to shoot myself." Yashamaru groaned.
"MAY THEY FOREVER FALL DEEPER IN LOVE AND MAY THEY FOREVER BE HAPPY TOGETHER!"
Sage bit his lip to hold in the tears while he looked at Ritana's face, which was glowing with happiness. Wiping his eyes, he whispered, "You've grown so well."
"I now pronounce you man and wife. Hayate, kiss your wife. May I be the first to congratulate you two." Peencake ended, finally speaking softly with a warm smile on her face.
Hayate visibly restrained a cough and kissed his wife, enticing their daughter to jump up and start throwing glitter everywhere.
Kisame zoomed his camera in on Sage's face, "Go ahead, you can cry.. Let it out."
Kiba was sobbing by then.
Sage glared at the camera. "Good footage." Kisame chuckled.
"Like, mine didn't even take this long and we spent, like, twenty minutes arguing over a pentagram." Yashamaru mumbled.
"I'm getting my suit wet, ugh." Kiba sniffled.
"I CRYING!" Fugaku shouted, before frowning and saying: "No, ok."
That's when Hotaru ran in giggling.
"Oh my gosh! Wedding! I see wedding!" She shouted, pointing at Ritana and Hayate who were sucking face on the alter.
"I never knew weddings were like this.." Chiku commented. "I AM SORRY IT WAS SO LONG, BUT I WANTED IT TO BE LOVELY AND SPECIAL AND PERFECT FOR THEM AND I THINK I DID OK? DID I MESS UP?" Peencake shouted in a questioning tone.
"If my wedding isn't this perf, I swear, we are stopping and restarting it till it's perfect to the letter." Moegi nodded to herself, crossing her arms.. She was ignored.
"CONGRATULATIONS DAUGHTER!" Sage yelled, trying to get Ritana to stop making out with her husband in front of everyone's faces. Fugaku scribbled, 'MORE BOOZE NEXT TIME!' and placed it in the wedding suggestion box.
"Mommy, daddy, congrats! Don't frickle frackle to hard now please!" Moegi screamed in happiness, jumping in her chair.
"Congratulations Ritana and Hayate! I'm sure you will have a very nice future together!" Hotaru shouted to the front.
"RECEPTION TIME?" Kiba shouted out, "LET'S GET DRUNK!" He was ignored.
"Eeee! May the two of you be showered with love 'n stuff!" Chiku congratulated, running to the front.
Ritana finally broke away from Hayate, who immediately fell into a body-racking coughing fit.
"Congratulations. Hayate and Ritana, I wish you much happiness and great sex." Kisame stated, turning off the camera. "CONGRATS TO THE MARRIED COUPLE! MORE BOOZE PLEASE!" Fugaku ran outside and began to whatever drunk people do.
"Congrats, yo." Kin grinned. Hotaru began crying in self pity, for she missed yet another wedding. "VODKAAAAAAAA!" Kiba shouted.
Mito smacked both their heads together, smiling a predatory smile. "OW!"
Fugaku ran back in and began dancing crazily, "BOOOOOOOZE!"
"Thanks for coming guys," Hayate began, smiling down at the people with a blue bruise forming on his forehead. Sage and Mito were doing a victory dance. Yashamaru eating the macaroni in his gun, Moegi and Kisame throwing glitter at each other, Madara glaring at Mito (and Sage), and Izuna smiling contently, waited for Hayate to continue. "Open bar." Hayate's words brought silence to the people.
Suddenly, Kin fired celebration shots from a cannon. "YEAH!"
Ha! This took me over a week to write! *wipes sweat from face* This is a two-shot. Next chapter is the reception!