Credit for the title goes to Violin_0711 (Wattpad). Thanks for looking it over for me!
This type of story has been on my mind for a long time. A recent conversation with Kirimilliganhadlen (Wattpad) solidified me writing this.
Be sure to let me know what you think!
Warning: This story has several triggers including: Self-Harm, Depression, Anxiety, Past Suicide Attempts, Talk of Suicide, Allusions to Eating Disorders, Mentions of Flashbacks, and PTSD.
Please stay safe!
~TH~
The Avengers were sprawled around the "Assemble" area, enjoying their night off. Natasha was having a girls night out with Pepper while the guys hung around the tower. Clint and Thor were watching some sitcom on the ultra-large TV while Bruce was reading a book and Tony was playing on his StarkPad.
Sam and Rhody walked in laughing. The laughing stopped when Sam spoke, "Where's Steve?"
"Dunno," Tony responded not looking up "His room I guess. He got back early this morning and hasn't been out since."
"And you didn't think to go see if he was okay?"
"Steve's a big boy," Clint said loudly.
Sam didn't seem convinced, "What was the mission about?"
"His Winter Buddy. Don't know much other than that. Hasn't left his room." Tony finally looked up.
Sam's eyes widened slightly. "And you didn't check on him!"
Now everyone was looking up. "I'm sure he's fine, Sam." Bruce assured, "Jarvis would have told us if something was wrong."
"Right, " Tony rolled his eyes at Sam's overprotective manner, "Hey J, whats Steve doing right now?"
"Captain Rogers has requested that he not be monitored for the time being."
There was no denying the look of understanding and fear that crossed over the former soldier's face before he sprinted up the stairs.
Tony jumped up, though not completely sure why, and took the elevator to Steve's floor. He arrived at about the same time as Sam.
The newest Avenger began banging on the door that lead to Steve's bedroom. "Open up!" He called, "I'm serious Steve. Open the door right now!"
There was no answer and now Tony was officially beginning to worry. "Jarvis, open the door."
The door clicked unlocked and Sam didn't waste time pushing it open.
The room was empty, and to Tony's surprise, a mess. Not Tony messy, but definitely not what he expected the super soldier's room to look like. The famous red, white, and blue uniform was on the floor, the shield was... stuck in the wall. It had been put there quite violently from the looks of it. The bed was unmade, but there were sheets and pillows on the couch.
"He promised he'd tell me..." Sam started before Tony cut him off.
"The showers on."
Sam was at the bathroom door in an instant. "Steve. I need you to listen to me, it's very important that you open the door right now."
The silence was really starting to unnerve him. Tony knocked. "Steve, stop wasting my water and answer us."
There was still no answer.
"I'm giving you to the count of three to open the door before I break it down!"
"Sam..." Tony started, concerned but unsure.
"One!"
"Sam I don't think..."
"Two!"
"Sam!"
"Three!" He threw himself into the door. It opened with a loud crack of breaking wood.
Tony wasn't sure what he was expecting to see, but Captain America laying in a pool of blood was certainly not it.
Sam immediately knelt down. Tony doubted he noticed the way that the blood soaked into his pants.
"He's alive."
Tony felt himself breathe again.
"He hasn't been out long. Come on Steve," he sighed. Tony watched him intently, not liking the tone Sam had taken on. "We talked about this."
For all of the shock Tony had been in, it was nothing compared to what he felt when Sam turned over Steve's arms revealing the long abrasions.
"They're not even healed yet! How deep did you cut?!" The soldier pinched the bridge of his nose, "Tony, can you get me the first aid kit?"
Tony didn't move. He barely breathed. He was in too much shock for anything else.
"Stark!"
"Huh?" He came back into focus.
"The first aid kit."
"Right."
It only took him a moment to locate the small container of medical supplies and bring them back. Then he went to turn off the shower.
Sam proceeded to bandage the painful looking arms. A few of the deepest cuts were still bleeding, and Steve wasn't waking up.
"Shouldn't he have, you know, woken up by now?"
"Probably doesn't want to."
Tony raised an eyebrow slightly, "You mean he can just make himself stay asleep?"
"No," Sam spun his head around. Tony could practically feel the anger radiating from the other man's body. "He didn't sleep last night, and barely got any sleep today, if he got any at all. On top of that, he hasn't eaten for who knows how long, combine that was the blood loss and his body probably just gave out."
There was awkward silence for the rest of the procedure. When the super soldier's arms had stopped bleeding and were wrapped, Sam attempted to awaken him.
"Steve," Sam said, placing his hands on the unconscious man's face. "Steve, it's Sam. I need you to wake up for me."
Then he turned to Tony, "You should probably go. He's... squeamish about people seeing him like this."
Tony watched for another moment in slight awe as the scene played out. Sam just kept talking, sometimes rubbing, sometimes patting, sometimes just laying his hand gently on Steve's face.
Eventually, the super soldier began to stir.
"There you go, buddy. Now open your eyes."
"Sam?" Steve croaked.
The soldier smiled, "Yeah, it's me."
"What-? Oh." Steve said raising his head slightly.
Tony had strategically moved out of sight. He could still hear and pretty well see what was going on, but Steve didn't have to know that.
Sam helped Steve into a sitting position. "You wanna try for the bed?"
"Not really."
"Okay."
And then several minutes of silence. Steve had closed his eyes, with his head leaning against the wall. Tony thought he might have passed out again until he heard the quiet. "Sorry."
Sam waited a moment before answering, causing the Super Soldier to open his eyes.
"You should have called me."
"You should have left me alone." Steve snapped, then rubbed his eyes making him look like nothing more than a kid. "Sorry." he mumbled again.
Sam nodded slightly, "Bad night?"
"Bad life."
Tony was taken aback by the admission, but Sam just gave him a look.
"Sorry." Came for the third time in less than five minutes. "Just... a rough couple of days."
"You promised you would stop. That you would tell me before it got this bad."
"I didn't want to bother you with my problems..."
"Stop." Sam said forcefully. "Steve, you don't bother me. I'm your friend. I want to help you. If you don't let me do it, we're going to have to go to someone else."
"No, " the super soldier didn't sound commanding or brave, he sounded scared. "Sam, I-I can't..."
"Then talk to me, Steve. Let me help you."
"You're not Bucky." It wasn't said with hatred or anger. It was said in a pleading tone. One born of hurt and pain.
"No," Sam said, "I'm not. I can't be. But I am your friend."
Steve didn't respond.
"Come on man, we've been through this."
More silence.
"Do you want to try the anti-depressant again?"
This time Steve did respond, "No. I barely sleep as it is."
"We could try something new. They don't all work the same way.'
"No more drugs Sam."
Tony felt his jaw literally drop. Captain America was on anti-depression meds? Well, supposed to be at least.
"What about the other thing we talked about."
"It's fine." Even Tony could tell it was a lie. He answered way too quickly.
"Steve-"
"Drop it Sam. I'm okay. It's not that bad."
"No you're not, Steve! You're not okay! And the blood covering the floor proves it."
"I'm not going to kill myself." The quiet response took Tony's breath away.
"But you want to."
Tony was really beginning to hate the silence. It said more than Steve's half-hearted answers.
"If you won't take the medicine, we're going to have to figure something else out."
"It's fine Sam. I'll manage."
The idiot. Sometimes Tony couldn't believe how incredibly stupid Steve was.
"You're not fine Steve." He paused for a moment, "What would Bucky think?"
"Stop. Don't. Just... Don't."
"No Steve. Think about it. What would he say?"
"Stop. I-I don't want to think about him right now."
"Why? Because you know what he would say? Because you know he would be angry? Because you know-"
"Yes! Okay, yes. Because I know what he would say. I know exactly what he would say! And I hate it! I hate that his words get stuck on repeat in my brain. I hate that all this was finally getting better before the stupid war that changed everything. I hate that everything is slowly slipping away again. No matter what I do nothing is ever okay! I hate that I remember everything! Everything! Every little detail from serum 'till now is ingrained in my brain. I hate that I can't sleep. I hate that I can't do anything! I hate the twenty-first century. And I hate myself!" Steve was panting, knees drawn up to his chest.
Tony felt like someone had punched him in the gut. How long had he known Steve? How long had they been living in the same tower without him knowing, or even suspecting, this was going on.
"I'm not crazy." Came the heartbroken whisper.
Sam laid his hand on Steve's shoulder. "No, you're not."
After a moment, Steve leaned into Sam's touch. "Hey, let's get you to bed, okay?"
Steve nodded. Sam helped to pull the captain to his feet, then helped to lead Steve into the bedroom area.
Tony sank back even further into the shadows, unable to pull himself completely away from the scene before him.
"Couch?" Steve whispered, halting the two men's progress towards the bed.
"Of course, " Sam said, changing course, "you don't think I'm gonna sleep on that old thing do you?"
"Sam, you don't have to-"
"Steve, I do."
"Okay."
"Okay," Sam repeated as he eased the super soldier onto the couch.
"Thanks, Sam." The man mumbled in a half asleep state. "And I really am sorry."
"I know, Steve. I know."
Sam stood quietly behind the couch until the super soldier's breathing evened out.
"You can probably come out now. He seems to be asleep."
Tony was startled, thinking he had remained unseen.
"What was that?" Was all he could manage to say as he walked towards the couch.
"How much did you hear?"
"All of it," Tony answers, thankful for the darkness that hid his embarrassment. Normally he wouldn't care, but that conversation had been... personal.
Sam glanced back at the sleeping soldier. "Let's go out into the hall."
His tone said that this was going to be a bit more than a 'friendly chat.'
They headed to the hallway and Sam left the door open a crack.
"How long has that been going on?" Tony asked, trying to break the ice.
It failed. "It started when he was fifteen. It didn't get really bad until his mom died when he was seventeen. It was getting better when the war started and Bucky got drafted, though he didn't realize it was the draft until years later. It's gotten progressively worse since he woke up. He has depression, anxiety, and some of the worst PTSD I've ever seen. And I've known him, what, two months?"
Tony felt an overwhelming amount of guilt at his statement. Sam was angry. And rightfully so.
"I didn't, we-"
"Save it Stark. When I first met Steve, it was obvious. He tries to hide it, sure, but not even he can control flashbacks. Especially when he has an eidetic memory. Are you telling me you've never noticed them?"
Tony's mind immediately shot back to an encounter he had with Steve a few months after the Chitauri Attack.
Steve had agreed to stay in the tower temporarily, wanting to help with the cleanup. Tony had come to the living area to find him staring out the window. Steve had never moved from his spot, regardless of what Tony had said. Then he had turned and walked away, leaving the billionaire confused, but not concerned.
And that wasn't the only thing. How many times had Steve skipped out on stuff, claiming to be tired? How many times had he skipped meals saying he wasn't hungry? Why did no one ever comment on the fact that Steve jumped at loud noises? Or that he was often reckless in battle? Or that he seemed far too tired? Or that he was getting thinner? Or that he had taken to wearing long sleeves around the tower...
"We messed up."
"Yeah, you did!" The fury in Sam's face was painful to look at. "I thought for sure that you guys would have noticed by now! You should have known long before me! You guys were some of the first 'friends' he made when he woke up. I use the term 'friends' loosely in this case. Like, did you know he tried to kill himself when he was eighteen? Did you know when he crashed the plane in the ocean, he was expecting, hoping he would die? Do you even care?"
Tony felt tears coming to his eyes. "Sam, I-"
"You know what, just go." He said waving him away. "And don't even think about telling the others." He added. "If they can't figure it out for themselves, they don't have a right to know."
Sam turned a went back into Steve's room, shutting the door tightly.
Tony couldn't do anything but stare.
~TH~
I'm willing to write a second part if you guys would like. Be sure to let me know!
If anything in this story seems confusing, let me know and I can explain. I tried to drop both subtle and nonsubtle hints about his mental state.
I 100% think that Steve had depression before he became a Super Soldier. (I mean, come on, he jumped on a grenade in basic training.) And "Don't do anything stupid until I get back." Can be interpreted in many ways...
And you all know that I don't hate Tony or the others. I just think they can be really clueless at times.
That's why I sent Natasha away. If there was anyone who would have figured it out, it would have been Nat.
Be sure to let me know what you think and if you want a second part!
If you do, let me know what you would like to :)
God bless,
Jamie
P.S. If someone wanted to make or suggest an image for a Wattpad cover, please message me!