8 years ago

'Now class, settle down!' the teacher instructed. 'We have a new student joining us today. His name is Dan. Introduce yourself.' She turned to me, smiling.

'Ummm, hi. My name is Dan and ummm, I'm 14. I've just moved here and, that's about it.' I choked out nervously.

'Right then, you can go and sit next to Phil. Raise your hand please' She pointed to the back of the room, where a hand shot up. I walked over and saw who the hand belonged to. This boy had jet black hair, and the bluest eyes I've seen.

'Hi, my name is Phil. It's nice to meet you Dan!' He grinned at me.

'Nice to meet you too.' I replied, sitting down. We spent the rest of the day together. Just talking about our favourite shows and what kind of music we listened to. It was nice. I focused less on the people around me, and didn't panic as much when it came to the rushing corridors.

At the end of the day we started walking home in the same direction. 'Seems like we'll have to talk for a bit longer' He said to me, coyly.

'Oh, what a shame' I replied laughing. We walked all the way home together.

'Well, this is my house.' I said staring at the blue eyed boy.

'Maybe, I could call for you tomorrow and we could walk to school together?'

'Sure, that sounds good. See you tomorrow Phil!'

'See you Dan.' He smiled and walked away.

For once I was actually looking forward to school. Maybe this could be the start of a friendship. Maybe even something more.

Present day

It's been 1 month since the accident. It's been quite a blur, everyone ringing me and checking I'm OK. What does that even mean? OK? Of course I'm not OK.

The funeral is tomorrow, and I really don't want to go. I know I should, but I still haven't accepted what's happened. If I go, it's like admitting he's gone, and I'm not ready for that yet.

. . . . . . . .

I woke up this morning feeling numb. I got ready like it was any other day. Only it wasn't. I put on my suit and stood, staring at myself in the mirror. It was the first time I had truly looked at myself, since it had happened. My hair was dirty and unwashed, my eyes looked hollow, like all the love had been stolen from them. I wasn't ready for the day. I needed more time.

My mum came for me later that day. She was wearing that expression, the 'I know you're hurting and that's OK' look. People have been looking at me like that for a while now. The car journey was uncomfortable and uneasy.

'You know, it's OK.' My mum said out loud, breaking the silence. 'It's OK to cry and be sad and to miss him, Dan' She was looking me in the eyes now. 'You don't have to act so strong'

I looked out the window, and stared at the trees and people whizzing by. They're lives were normal, happy even. I haven't cried yet. That's what she's talking about. It happened a month ago and I haven't cried yet. I do care, I really do, but it all happened so fast, it was hard to process.

'Come on Dan, we need to get to there TODAY.'

The car stopped. We're here. It's time, it's actually happening. My mum led me to the graveyard, like I was a child. 'Are you sure you can do this?' She asked, holding onto me as if I might run away any second.

'I'm coming Phil, calm down. And don't forget to look both ways.'

'Who are you, my mother?'

'I'm fine' I quickly snapped back to reality.

I hate funerals. Everyone is looking at me. Like, they're waiting for me to brake down at any moment. People you don't even know come up and shake your hand. I can't so this. I just can't.

. . . . .

When everyone had gathered around, waiting for him to be lowered in, I stood back, not wanting to see anything. The vicar started, but I couldn't hear anything. It was too much. I looked around and everyone was crying silently. What's wrong with me. Why can't I cry? Why aren't I feeling anything. I've got to get out, I can't watch this, I can't see him go.

I ran. I didn't know where I was going, but I ran.

I ended up in a nearby park. We used to come here a lot. There was a small lake in the middle, and trees in random spots. It's usually filled with families on picnics, or couples, lying down and sharing secrets.

I sat under our favourite tree, and just listened to the silence.

'Phil, WATCH OUT, there's a ca...'

. . . . . . .

'DAN?! DAN, WHERE ARE YOU?' I opened my eyes, I didn't realise I had fallen asleep.

I jumped to my feet, That sounded like..

'PHIL. PHIL, IS THAT YOU?' I ran towards the voice calling me. 'Phil, I'm over here' I turned a corner.

'Dan, thank God you're OK. We were so worried' My mum was looking at me, with wet eyes. She'd been crying.

'Yeah, I'm fine.'

'Look, the funeral finished. They thought it best to carry on. You clearly aren't in a fit state to deal with this.' She put her arm around me, but I pushed her away.

'Look mum. I know you're trying to help but just leave me alone. Please.' I started to walk away.

'Look Dan, I know this is hard for you. But you need to accept it. It may take a while, but he is gone, and there's nothing we can do about it. So, I really think you should visit his grave. Maybe not today, but defiantly soon.' And with that, she walked away.

I know she's right. But I can't do it, not yet.

2 years later

'Hi Phil, It's been a while. Two years to be exact.' I stood staring down at the headstone. I looked around to making sure no one could hear me. 'I'm sorry I haven't come to visit you. I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye.'

I knelt down and put some flowers on the ground. 'I don't want this to take long, so I'm just going to say it, OK?'

I ran my fingers through my hair and looked to the sky, as if looking to him would make this any easier. I don't even believe in heaven, but it seems to be a comfort.

'Look, we met 9 years ago, and you were the only one who spoke to me. Maybe because I was forced upon you, but you still accepted me. You helped me in so many ways, you don't even know.' I put my face in my hands, and noticed that I was crying. Finally.

'I never really thanked you for being there for me, and now I'll never have the chance. But just know this, I loved you with all my heart, and if you were here, If I could just hold you one more time, talk to you one more time. Just to see you one more time. But I can't and I finally accept that. I'm sorry I made you go to that party. If we had just stayed at home them maybe..'

The tears were streaming down my face now, and I'd somehow ended up with my hands and head leaning on the floor. 'I think that's it now. One final goodbye. I miss you.'

I slowly got up and walked towards the gate. I took one last look back and wiped my tears away. I looked up and the rain started falling down, slowly and peacefully.

It's taken me two years, but I've finally let go. I'll never forget him. He was my friend, but he'll always mean something more to me.

. . . . . . .