Title: Through a Glass Darkly
Author: Ender
Email: jjazman@email.msn.com
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. They belong to Jason Katims and Co.
Category: Other
Author's Notes: Pretty dark and probably a bit disturbing. Max discovers his dark side.
Rating: R, due to subject matter.
Feedback: Good, bad, constructive. I'll take it.
Spoilers: Through the end of Season 2
"You think you know, what's to come. What you are. You haven't even begun..." Tara from BTVS, "Restless"
Growing up, I thought I knew who I was. Sure, there were the questions about why I was here and where I came from, but still, I knew myself. Max Evans, 6 feet tall, brown hair, brown eyes, ears that stick out and got me called "Dumbo" in grade school. I was the quiet one in my family, the kid behind the tree. I was the boy who was hopelessly in love with Liz Parker. I had a beautiful sister who I loved, even though she had a strange habit of changing her clothes five times before she left the house, and a best friend named Michael who I tried to protect. All I wanted was a chance to live a normal life without the fear of being hunted for being different.
Then Tess came. Everything I thought I knew began to fall apart.
Suddenly I had a Destiny. I was a king. I had a wife. I had a responsibility to fight evil aliens and free my enslaved family and people.
I didn't want it, any of it. I tried to close my eyes to it and pretend that life could go on like it did before. That I could still be that boy who only wanted to have a chance to love Liz Parker.
But Tess awakened something inside of me. Something alien. Something cold.
I should have killed Tess when I had the chance. For coming to Roswell. For making me question. I wanted to kill her. If I had remembered everything then, I would have killed her.
I still might, if I get the chance.
Because it was Tess who started the change. If she hadn't come, maybe I could have kept pretending. Maybe I could have been happy with Liz.
It all fell apart. The person I felt closest to in the entire world started to pull away from me. I guess I had taken that closeness for granted. I thought we would always share that bond. But her eyes became dark with secrets. They used to be our secrets, but not anymore. She had never kept secrets from me before. It was like a part of me had been ripped away. And when I tried to talk with her about it, she just looked at me and refused to say anything. She knew she was hurting me and she still refused to say anything.
Sometimes we would talk like old times, and I thought things could go back to the way they were before, but she always pulled back. She never let me all the way in. Maybe she knew deep down inside what I was. Maybe that was one of the secrets she was keeping.
So I started spending more time with Tess, as if Tess could fill the hole she'd left behind. And I started to remember things. But I didn't remember enough.
And then Alex died and I felt her slipping further away from me. I was enraged. I was panicked. I couldn't lose her. I yelled at her and threatened her. I saw her fear and anger and I knew I should stop. That I risked losing her forever. I couldn't stop myself.
So I stopped. Pretending. I stopped pretending. That I was human. That I hadn't changed.
Tess was there and she was waiting for me. Tess opened the door. She meant to help me remember her, and I did. I do.
But I also remember other things. At first those things scared me. Now I'm scared that I'm no longer scared.
I remember why Vilandra betrayed me. The Skins lied when they said it was for love. But what were they going to tell Isabel anyway? If they'd told her the truth, she never would have believed them. So they told her a lie she could believe. Because she trusted me. They all trusted me.
I'm not sure how much they trust me now. They know I've changed, but I think I've hidden from them how much I've changed.
I haven't hidden it from her, though.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I no longer recognize the person who stares back at me. When I'm alone and I know nobody can hear, I raise my hand and shatter the mirror so I don't have to look at that stupid pathetic boy's face. It's easy enough to fix the glass later before anybody gets home.
At night when I'm afraid of waking my parents, I rake my nails down my face. I dig and tear at the skin.
Sometimes I think if I dig deep enough, my true face will emerge.
Then I go to her, under the cover of darkness, with blood oozing down my cheeks. I creep into her room. I pull back the covers and crawl in beside her.
That first night I didn't touch her. I was too scared. I was afraid she'd wake up and ask me what I was doing. I didn't want to think about that. I just wanted to look at her. I stared at her for hours, hardly daring to breathe.
The second night I couldn't help it. I had to touch her. Just a brief caress. She didn't even stir in her sleep.
The third night...
Sometimes when I go to her at night, I leave bruises. Just small ones, but they're there. She still pretends to be asleep when I touch her, but I know better. Sometimes I hurt her on purpose, to see if I can get her to admit that she's awake. Sometimes she flinches, but she never opens her eyes. And she never says my name.
I want her to say my name.
During the day, it's pretty much the same, only her eyes are open. Those brown eyes that used to look at me with such love and admiration. They're shadowed with secrets again, but now they're shadowed with my secrets. She avoids looking at me when she can. She tries to hide her fear from me and from the others. She wears long sleeves and shirts with high necks to hide the bruises.
She hasn't told the others what I'm doing. Even if she did tell them, I think she knows they wouldn't believe her. How could they? She's there and she doesn't want to believe it's happening.
Sometimes I try to reach back inside myself to that boy who only wanted to love her, not to possess her. I want to go back and be human again.
That boy is gone. I know that now.
She is mine. And I will have her.
She is mine. And she will open her eyes and say my name.
If she runs, I will track her down and drag her back. By force if I have to.
I'll destroy her if I have to. I'll destroy all of us. I did it before. I can do it again.
Because she's mine. And no one and nothing will keep her from me.
Not even death. It couldn't separate us the last time. If she dies, I'll bring her back again. I'll bring all of us back again if I have to. The others would help me without question. Even Liz would probably help me.
So tonight, I'll creep into my sister's room and I'll crawl into her bed. And I'll whisper her name and say I'm sorry until she finally gives in and opens her eyes. Until she finally opens her eyes and says my name. And then she'll see the real me and she'll know that she's mine.
Author: Ender
Email: jjazman@email.msn.com
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. They belong to Jason Katims and Co.
Category: Other
Author's Notes: Pretty dark and probably a bit disturbing. Max discovers his dark side.
Rating: R, due to subject matter.
Feedback: Good, bad, constructive. I'll take it.
Spoilers: Through the end of Season 2
"You think you know, what's to come. What you are. You haven't even begun..." Tara from BTVS, "Restless"
Growing up, I thought I knew who I was. Sure, there were the questions about why I was here and where I came from, but still, I knew myself. Max Evans, 6 feet tall, brown hair, brown eyes, ears that stick out and got me called "Dumbo" in grade school. I was the quiet one in my family, the kid behind the tree. I was the boy who was hopelessly in love with Liz Parker. I had a beautiful sister who I loved, even though she had a strange habit of changing her clothes five times before she left the house, and a best friend named Michael who I tried to protect. All I wanted was a chance to live a normal life without the fear of being hunted for being different.
Then Tess came. Everything I thought I knew began to fall apart.
Suddenly I had a Destiny. I was a king. I had a wife. I had a responsibility to fight evil aliens and free my enslaved family and people.
I didn't want it, any of it. I tried to close my eyes to it and pretend that life could go on like it did before. That I could still be that boy who only wanted to have a chance to love Liz Parker.
But Tess awakened something inside of me. Something alien. Something cold.
I should have killed Tess when I had the chance. For coming to Roswell. For making me question. I wanted to kill her. If I had remembered everything then, I would have killed her.
I still might, if I get the chance.
Because it was Tess who started the change. If she hadn't come, maybe I could have kept pretending. Maybe I could have been happy with Liz.
It all fell apart. The person I felt closest to in the entire world started to pull away from me. I guess I had taken that closeness for granted. I thought we would always share that bond. But her eyes became dark with secrets. They used to be our secrets, but not anymore. She had never kept secrets from me before. It was like a part of me had been ripped away. And when I tried to talk with her about it, she just looked at me and refused to say anything. She knew she was hurting me and she still refused to say anything.
Sometimes we would talk like old times, and I thought things could go back to the way they were before, but she always pulled back. She never let me all the way in. Maybe she knew deep down inside what I was. Maybe that was one of the secrets she was keeping.
So I started spending more time with Tess, as if Tess could fill the hole she'd left behind. And I started to remember things. But I didn't remember enough.
And then Alex died and I felt her slipping further away from me. I was enraged. I was panicked. I couldn't lose her. I yelled at her and threatened her. I saw her fear and anger and I knew I should stop. That I risked losing her forever. I couldn't stop myself.
So I stopped. Pretending. I stopped pretending. That I was human. That I hadn't changed.
Tess was there and she was waiting for me. Tess opened the door. She meant to help me remember her, and I did. I do.
But I also remember other things. At first those things scared me. Now I'm scared that I'm no longer scared.
I remember why Vilandra betrayed me. The Skins lied when they said it was for love. But what were they going to tell Isabel anyway? If they'd told her the truth, she never would have believed them. So they told her a lie she could believe. Because she trusted me. They all trusted me.
I'm not sure how much they trust me now. They know I've changed, but I think I've hidden from them how much I've changed.
I haven't hidden it from her, though.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I no longer recognize the person who stares back at me. When I'm alone and I know nobody can hear, I raise my hand and shatter the mirror so I don't have to look at that stupid pathetic boy's face. It's easy enough to fix the glass later before anybody gets home.
At night when I'm afraid of waking my parents, I rake my nails down my face. I dig and tear at the skin.
Sometimes I think if I dig deep enough, my true face will emerge.
Then I go to her, under the cover of darkness, with blood oozing down my cheeks. I creep into her room. I pull back the covers and crawl in beside her.
That first night I didn't touch her. I was too scared. I was afraid she'd wake up and ask me what I was doing. I didn't want to think about that. I just wanted to look at her. I stared at her for hours, hardly daring to breathe.
The second night I couldn't help it. I had to touch her. Just a brief caress. She didn't even stir in her sleep.
The third night...
Sometimes when I go to her at night, I leave bruises. Just small ones, but they're there. She still pretends to be asleep when I touch her, but I know better. Sometimes I hurt her on purpose, to see if I can get her to admit that she's awake. Sometimes she flinches, but she never opens her eyes. And she never says my name.
I want her to say my name.
During the day, it's pretty much the same, only her eyes are open. Those brown eyes that used to look at me with such love and admiration. They're shadowed with secrets again, but now they're shadowed with my secrets. She avoids looking at me when she can. She tries to hide her fear from me and from the others. She wears long sleeves and shirts with high necks to hide the bruises.
She hasn't told the others what I'm doing. Even if she did tell them, I think she knows they wouldn't believe her. How could they? She's there and she doesn't want to believe it's happening.
Sometimes I try to reach back inside myself to that boy who only wanted to love her, not to possess her. I want to go back and be human again.
That boy is gone. I know that now.
She is mine. And I will have her.
She is mine. And she will open her eyes and say my name.
If she runs, I will track her down and drag her back. By force if I have to.
I'll destroy her if I have to. I'll destroy all of us. I did it before. I can do it again.
Because she's mine. And no one and nothing will keep her from me.
Not even death. It couldn't separate us the last time. If she dies, I'll bring her back again. I'll bring all of us back again if I have to. The others would help me without question. Even Liz would probably help me.
So tonight, I'll creep into my sister's room and I'll crawl into her bed. And I'll whisper her name and say I'm sorry until she finally gives in and opens her eyes. Until she finally opens her eyes and says my name. And then she'll see the real me and she'll know that she's mine.