Sometimes, late at night when I'm all alone, I wonder if anything would be different if I was allowed to
go back to that day and change it. In some weird, incredible reality, a genie would appear in front of me,
and grant me one wish. I would change that day, make it turn out differently.
If the hangar holding our escape plane would not have been destroyed, would Duo still be alive?
Would we have escaped from the base on that blessed plane, heading for home to live the rest of our
lives? If we would have chosen a different base to attack that day, would Duo still be here smiling at me,
enchanting me? If I had not even been born, would Duo be alive today?
It's my fault he's gone now. I should have stayed with him inside that complex instead of attempting to
hack into the database. That stupid information could have waited until we were safely home, away from
that horrid base.
But of course, I had to be the stubborn one, doing whatever I wanted instead of what was important. I
very well killed my best friend, and even would have been dead myself had not Wufei been there to drag
my worthless self to safety. I saw as Duo fell in front of me while we were running to the last mobile suit
on the base, the only chance for our survival. I thought he had tripped.
The events all happened too quickly, and my mind was a blur…why didn't Duo get back up? A strong
arm, surprisingly and comfortably warm, wrapped around my body and lifted me up even as the bullets
were raining down on the metal surrounding me. Still, my only thought was the question of why Wufei
did not rescue Duo as well as myself. Surely Wufei had seen Duo trip. He could get hurt down there, I
thought, struggling to free myself of the gentle iron grip.
As the Gundam turned away from Duo, a searing pain flashed across my forehead, drawing blood and a
weak cry. The pain was nothing compared to the sick feeling I felt in my heart. Logical reason caught up
with my mind, and though I denied the facts with every ounce of my heart, I knew somewhere within
myself that I could not change what had happened. Duo was not getting back up, not in this life.
I often relive that day…the nightmares come predictably every night. I never sleep anymore…and when I
happen to drift off, my dreams pull me right back to that base, the attacks, the what if's.
What if he had lived?
I would have told him that I really did love him. I never told him that, though I did with all my heart. I
was afraid of rejection, perhaps, or maybe just too scared. After all, I could not just walk up to the lad and
start making out with him. That kind of situation only happens in fancy romance novels where both of
the main characters love each other, but are both afraid of telling the other about their feelings. One day,
one of them finally says something, almost dies, or breaks down, and the other realizes their true feelings
for them. Insert a convenient kissing scene.
What if he had loved you back?
That's hard to say…I think that if he ever did say he loved me, I'd faint from pure shock. How could he
be interested in me though? He's a guy, I'm a guy, and that relationship just doesn't work in the real
world. Though, I believe that even if Duo were green, had six eyes, and a tail, I would still love him. He,
on the other hand, never even seemed to notice me or my feelings for him.
How can I blame him? I wouldn't love me either. I just wish sometimes that things could have ended
differently.
What if these questions were to stop?
I think I would realize then that I have used up all of my insanity. I probably would cease to exist. Then,
that could be a blessing, because I would be able to see Duo again, if he wanted to see me. We'd have
eternity to spend together.
But what if he didn't want to spend eternity with you?
Then I'd probably curl up in my little corner of hell, alone, and wonder if I was stupid to believe that true
love and convenient kissing scenes actually exist in the real world.
What if there is no hell?
Trust me. Any life without Duo is hell. Even one in paradise.
This television only offers so much protection from my insane thoughts, my nightmares. If I stare at the
pictures moving in front of me, I don't have to think. I don't have to ask what if, I don't have to answer.
I've become a mindless slave, all because I let Duo die right in front of me. Mindless slave or not, I must
journey to far, unknown lands in search of another battery for the TV remote. It died, just like Duo. It
died right in front of me.
Too bad that I can go find another battery and revive the remote…I don't have any batteries for poor Duo.
He has to stay dead, but at least I can revive the remote.
My hand reaches toward the ache in my forehead, where the wound from the base still haunts me. The
headaches go away eventually, if I try to forget about them, ignoring them for the TV.
I get up from the recliner in front of the TV, haphazardly throw the blanket that I had been wrapped up in
over the back of the chair. His blanket…it smells like him, and it reminds me of the time we had when
we were together, back before that blasted base and the start of the nightmares. I loved his smell…so
unique…but such things fade in time. Like batteries, like life. Like his life, like mine.
Left side, third drawer on the right, open, close, insert new life for remote. Exit old life for Quatre. Walk
into living room, put remote on coffee table. Go back to chair. Wrap up in blanket, smell Duo. Miss Duo. Love Duo.
Turn on TV.
go back to that day and change it. In some weird, incredible reality, a genie would appear in front of me,
and grant me one wish. I would change that day, make it turn out differently.
If the hangar holding our escape plane would not have been destroyed, would Duo still be alive?
Would we have escaped from the base on that blessed plane, heading for home to live the rest of our
lives? If we would have chosen a different base to attack that day, would Duo still be here smiling at me,
enchanting me? If I had not even been born, would Duo be alive today?
It's my fault he's gone now. I should have stayed with him inside that complex instead of attempting to
hack into the database. That stupid information could have waited until we were safely home, away from
that horrid base.
But of course, I had to be the stubborn one, doing whatever I wanted instead of what was important. I
very well killed my best friend, and even would have been dead myself had not Wufei been there to drag
my worthless self to safety. I saw as Duo fell in front of me while we were running to the last mobile suit
on the base, the only chance for our survival. I thought he had tripped.
The events all happened too quickly, and my mind was a blur…why didn't Duo get back up? A strong
arm, surprisingly and comfortably warm, wrapped around my body and lifted me up even as the bullets
were raining down on the metal surrounding me. Still, my only thought was the question of why Wufei
did not rescue Duo as well as myself. Surely Wufei had seen Duo trip. He could get hurt down there, I
thought, struggling to free myself of the gentle iron grip.
As the Gundam turned away from Duo, a searing pain flashed across my forehead, drawing blood and a
weak cry. The pain was nothing compared to the sick feeling I felt in my heart. Logical reason caught up
with my mind, and though I denied the facts with every ounce of my heart, I knew somewhere within
myself that I could not change what had happened. Duo was not getting back up, not in this life.
I often relive that day…the nightmares come predictably every night. I never sleep anymore…and when I
happen to drift off, my dreams pull me right back to that base, the attacks, the what if's.
What if he had lived?
I would have told him that I really did love him. I never told him that, though I did with all my heart. I
was afraid of rejection, perhaps, or maybe just too scared. After all, I could not just walk up to the lad and
start making out with him. That kind of situation only happens in fancy romance novels where both of
the main characters love each other, but are both afraid of telling the other about their feelings. One day,
one of them finally says something, almost dies, or breaks down, and the other realizes their true feelings
for them. Insert a convenient kissing scene.
What if he had loved you back?
That's hard to say…I think that if he ever did say he loved me, I'd faint from pure shock. How could he
be interested in me though? He's a guy, I'm a guy, and that relationship just doesn't work in the real
world. Though, I believe that even if Duo were green, had six eyes, and a tail, I would still love him. He,
on the other hand, never even seemed to notice me or my feelings for him.
How can I blame him? I wouldn't love me either. I just wish sometimes that things could have ended
differently.
What if these questions were to stop?
I think I would realize then that I have used up all of my insanity. I probably would cease to exist. Then,
that could be a blessing, because I would be able to see Duo again, if he wanted to see me. We'd have
eternity to spend together.
But what if he didn't want to spend eternity with you?
Then I'd probably curl up in my little corner of hell, alone, and wonder if I was stupid to believe that true
love and convenient kissing scenes actually exist in the real world.
What if there is no hell?
Trust me. Any life without Duo is hell. Even one in paradise.
This television only offers so much protection from my insane thoughts, my nightmares. If I stare at the
pictures moving in front of me, I don't have to think. I don't have to ask what if, I don't have to answer.
I've become a mindless slave, all because I let Duo die right in front of me. Mindless slave or not, I must
journey to far, unknown lands in search of another battery for the TV remote. It died, just like Duo. It
died right in front of me.
Too bad that I can go find another battery and revive the remote…I don't have any batteries for poor Duo.
He has to stay dead, but at least I can revive the remote.
My hand reaches toward the ache in my forehead, where the wound from the base still haunts me. The
headaches go away eventually, if I try to forget about them, ignoring them for the TV.
I get up from the recliner in front of the TV, haphazardly throw the blanket that I had been wrapped up in
over the back of the chair. His blanket…it smells like him, and it reminds me of the time we had when
we were together, back before that blasted base and the start of the nightmares. I loved his smell…so
unique…but such things fade in time. Like batteries, like life. Like his life, like mine.
Left side, third drawer on the right, open, close, insert new life for remote. Exit old life for Quatre. Walk
into living room, put remote on coffee table. Go back to chair. Wrap up in blanket, smell Duo. Miss Duo. Love Duo.
Turn on TV.