Disclaimer: I don't own jackshit. No profit is made, no character infringement intended. Just read and enjoy!
The Wasteland was a cold, unforgiving stretch of dirt that most people would rather stick hot tongs down there pants than risk wandering out in it's endless desert. Jak (not the brightest bulb in the bunch) stood peering over the tallest sand dune of the Wasteland next to his dune buggy that he affectionately named The Bitchin'est Ride. The big BR was providing excellent wind coverage as Jak scoured the earth for those evil wastelanders that had no respect for the great Wasteland.
"My Wasteland, I can not deny her. My Wasteland screams. She is my mother. She is my lover, and I am her Spirit." Jak exclaimed. His devotion to the desert was unparalleled, as no one had yet gone far enough to become the Wasteland's…lover. He was willing to go that far. Anything for his Wasteland.
Jak still needed to take care of that crusty king and his dumb requests, so he departed for the city of Spargus. "Wasteland, soon no one will be in the way of our love, and we can live on in a non-discriminating lovey dovey life! I will stop at nothing to prove I am worthy of your almighty love!" This one-sided sweet talk continued for the remainder of the trip until Jak was safe inside the city walls. He had business to take care of with the king of this city, Damos. His deep seated grudge for the man was fueled by the fact that the city was an eyesore on his otherwise perfectly sculpted lover. It was like the cellulite on the ass of the desert. If only he could destroy the city…but wastelanders can be pretty vengeful. Best to just answer his summons to the palace and be done with it.
"Jak, I need you to-"
"NO YOU CRUSTY OLD DEMON! YOU AND YOUR HORNY SKULL CAN SHOVE YOUR REQUEST UP YOUR HAIRY-"
" I ONLY TRIED TO MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL MANWHORE-"
"I ONLY WANTED LOVE! THE LOVE OF A FATHER!"
Damas' eyes got wide and watery. He knew his baby boy would come back to him, no matter how defiled his body had become. He would accept him in all shapes in forms, for that was the love of a father. Unless he was a metal head. Or a krimzon guard. Or Russian.
"Oh Jak, you have finally realized the real kind of love you need! Come back to my loving, albeit metaphorical, womb and you will never have to search for love in your questionable friends again!"
"No father! I can not 'return to your womb"' Jak said as making the necessary air quotes. "I can't go back to the childish needy boy that I was. I am a man now. I eat meat and grunt at people. I can't be your little boy anymore."
His exit from the palace was echoed by the great distressed howling that was coming from Damos's chambers. That man could give King Lear a run for his money. There was only one more thing that Jak had to take care of before he returned to the loving caress of the desert. His current side-relationship with Torn would have to be severed if he ever truly wished to worship the Wasteland as his one and only. So he hitched a ride to Haven City from the transport units and off he was.
The Underground was no longer located in the crevices of the city, but Torn still liked to use the building as his personal home. With Daxter back at the base in the Naughty Ottsel, he could be pretty sure that the place wouldn't burn down for the next couple of hours. He really needed to catch up on his shrine worshiping. As he prepared his body with the necessary oils and shimmied on the unsacred loin covers he heard a knock at the door. Cursing all that was holy because of his interruption, he trudged to the door. He didn't even get to light his favorite candle, the one that was shaped like Princess Peach, the virginal bitch. Oh how he loved to watch her burn, almost as much as he loved to watch Jak's face burn. Jak was bright red after Torn opened the door, because glistening skin just had that effect on him. Torn shifted his weight to lean on the doorway as he attempted to screw Jak with his eyes. Jak was convinced that this was some sort of eco sucking maneuver that involved sucking out his indentured soul (it still belongs to the prince of darkness) because his denseness for perceiving seduction techniques were still only at the little boy level. He could barely ever tell when Torn was trying to hit on him, so Torn wasn't surprised when he became intimate with the hard wall in his home.
" Look Torn, you may have heard that I have started to settle down and think about my future."
"Jak, just because you're the hero of the city doesn't mean you're our only topic of conversation. Sweet darkness, you are so conceited!"
"Well anyway I have decided that it would be best if I settled down with my one true love."
"Uh….your right hand?"
"No you fool! The Wasteland! She is the only one who satisfies me!"
"That's not what you said last night-"
"Well screw you Torn!"
"You should."
"…Maybe one last time wouldn't hurt…"
"Good. I'll get the steaming pancakes and the lawn mower."
Jak sleepily made his way back to the desert. There were patches of his manly chest hair that were suspiciously missing. Most blamed this on Torn's unholy griddle. That thing made pancakes so hot that you could singe the hair right off your body. His zoomer swerved as he neared the outskirts of Spargus. He only managed to hit a couple of the citizens, so no new high scores tonight. He decided to stay outside the city walls so he could be closer to the meaning of his life, his one, his Wasteland. He was reaching that blissful state of sleep when the ground started to rumble beneath him. At first he thought it was an earthquake, but when the Wasteland created a rift beneath him he knew he had done wrong.
"Don't worry baby! These marks are only from fighting those that oppose our love."
The desert was silent.
"No sweety don't do it! I thought you truly loved me! You said you would be my forever…"
The Wasteland proceeded to swallow Jak whole as he continually screamed for mercy from his dark lord. It just goes to show that the woman in the relationship can be a real unforgiving, cold-hearted bitch.